Takes place after Kairi's rescue; contains spoilers for the end of Kingdom Hearts.

Written from Cloud's perspective.

Dark room - check. Gloomy weather - check. Cup of caffeine - check.

Full playlist of happy hardcore J-pop - check. Oh yeah, I'm ready to angst.

Onward!


~*~


Ephemeral Blossoms

Akai Kitsune

Part 10: Welcome To My Nightmare


~*~*~


Hojo was good to his promise. The next day, he began his experiments with the Heartless... and it never stopped.

With the lab plunged into darkness, he loosed both Heartless on me, sometimes for an entire day, until I was so tired I could scarcely move. He cast spells - slowing them down, slowing me down, testing the limits of my Mako-enhanced body and the strengthened bodies of his newly created monsters. At first I tried to just avoid the attacks, guilty about harming a creature that was once human just like me, but as time passed I came to learn that there were no feelings in the Heartless - they truly did match their names - and they didn't care for my pity. I couldn't even tell them apart.

Of course, who was to say that the first Heartless wasn't human once as well?

I wondered what had happened deep below Ansem's castle that would create such things.

Hojo didn't share any of his discoveries. He gloated, of course - that was his nature, and he was too proud to keep it to himself. But nothing was explained, and my questions were ignored. I had truly become nothing more than a specimen - he did his work as he pleased, and when he was done with me, back to my cell I went. And in the darkest nights, with the Heartless clawing at the glass only a few feet away, I realized how close I was to my breaking point.

I started to hear them speak.

It was quiet at first, not even a whisper. I couldn't understand what was said - I didn't even recognize it as speech. But slowly, gradually, I began to hear it more clearly.

Voices...

Was I crazy?

Sometimes I wished I was. Then I could stop thinking about it; I could live in the mad bliss that Hojo created for himself, ignoring the world around me and pretending everything was going my way.

No... no, I never wanted to live like him.

Never wanted to be like him.

Zack...

"Take care-"

Shut up!

I don't want to hear your voice anymore.

I don't want to hear anything.

There was a darkness growing in my heart. And while I could never admit it, the Heartless... began to listen to me.

They listened to my darkness... and they responded.





"Specimen A begins to show signs of communication to H1 and 2. Whether this is due to the Mako experimentation or a growing ability in the subjects themselves has yet to be proven. Further experimentation will be required."

I listened wearily to Hojo ramble into his recorder, spouting scientific terms and codes in a voice laced with excitement. His enthusiasm worried me - whenever he was like that, it meant his plans were going well. And I really didn't like where the experiments were heading.

Further experimentation usually meant he was changing his tactics, as well...

Earlier that week he had mentioned expecting another shipment from across the continent. I took a wild guess and assumed that meant more Heartless.

Just the last straw on the chocobo's back...

Hojo clicked the Stop button on the recorder, tucking it into one of his many lab coats, and turned back to me, giving me a sharp-eyed smile. "With that out of the way," he announced cheerfully, ignoring my challenging expression, "We can carry on with today's experiments."

I closed my eyes. He was in a good mood. Not a good sign.

Not to say that anything Hojo planned was good...

He tapped an intercom on the side panel, and after a moment, two men in similar garb entered the lab. Once the Heartless multiplied itself and I began to feel the boosting effects of my Mako treatments, Hojo hired two flunkies to help "look after his specimens". They were both adept at using whatever Materia Shinra provided for them, so any escape attempts were pointless on my part as usual. Hojo was meticulous with his experiments, and he never left an opening wide enough to make it worth jumping for. I thought I could bide my time, wait for him to get sloppy, but...

He's too good. He's too damn good at what he does.

The lab assistants immediately went to work inserting the tranquilizer gas into my Mako tank. They were so diligent and helpful, I thought with a scowl. I wondered if they knew what Hojo had done with his other assistant. Maybe they didn't care - maybe they were just as whacked as Hojo.

It was hard to believe anyone could be that twisted.

I closed my eyes, feeling the dull, numbing effect the tranquilizer had on my body, and waited in the far side of my cell for the Heartless to be lured inside. Hojo and his men had become very good at directing the creatures to go where he wanted them to go, from their own cage to mine, using spells to force them to go one way or another. As much as the Heartless hissed and fought, they always ended up where Hojo had planned.

With me, again.

I lifted my head weakly as the tank's door opened, the Heartless scrambling inside as lightning flared at their backs. Hojo punched in the buttons and the door shut behind them. Then the Mako began to drain from the tank. The Heartless seemed to sniff at the blocked exit for a moment, scratching at the edges, then finally turned their attention to me.

Me, who was still frozen in place by the tranquilizer.

My eyes widened, and I struggled against it, trying to get up despite my body's protests. I didn't want pain to be my wake-up call.

The creatures approached, and I staggered to my feet, breathing hard at the strain I was feeling. Glancing at Hojo, I saw his pleased smile and grit my teeth, clenching my fists and turning back to the Heartless.

So now I've made him happy. Just wonderful.

Heart.. need heart...

Shut up.

The creatures curved their heads to look up at me, almost curious. Tifa, I decided, would have called these things cute.

They lunged at me, and I backed up against the glass wall and tried to defend, crossing my arms over my chest. It was my heart they wanted, and we all knew it - but I wasn't about to give it to them.

I was too weak to knock them away this time, so they clung to me, scratching and clawing at my arm in their attempts to reach their goal. I flinched, the pain breaking through the fog of the tranquilizers and somehow giving me the strength to tear them loose, but my left hand - the one that had been on top - was a mess. I tried to ignore it and concentrated on avoiding their attacks.

In the background, I could see Hojo smirking.

Give... give heart-

Shut up!

One of the Heartless clawed at my leg, and I stumbled away from the wall, shaking it off. The other jumped on my back, preying on my already-failing balance and sending me to my knees. I reached up and grabbed it, dragging it away from me, but it latched on with all four limbs, it's claws sinking into my hand. I cried out and instinctively slammed it against the glass, my eyes wild with pain.

Stop it - stop it!

It hurts, dammit-

Heart... need-

Shut up already!

The creature froze, it's sharp fingers still deep in my arm. Blood dripped slowly to the floor of my cell. Behind me, I could feel the other Heartless sway listlessly from side to side.

Breathing hard, I looked around, my eyes startled wide. It was as if the entire world had slowed to a halt.

I had told the Heartless to stop.

And they stopped.

I didn't dare turn around, for I knew I wouldn't like the expression I'd find on Hojo's face.





I must have fainted after that. I couldn't remember what had been done with the Heartless, or if Hojo had spoken... I couldn't remember anything except the cold shadows, frozen beneath my skin; the golden eyes that were staring at me, empty and awaiting their next command.

But... I didn't want to...

I didn't want them to listen to me.

I'm not one of you...

When I awoke, the world was still dark, and I felt too groggy to really recognize my surroundings. In the distant, coherent part of my mind, I assumed it was the drugs I had been given. I couldn't feel a thing.

Except... the dull ache that should have been a great deal of pain... and the chill of hands, forever poking and prodding.

"I told you to watch them more carefully, didn't I?"

"I'm sorry sir... I wasn't paying attention."

"Then you're lucky someone was, aren't you?"

"... Can we fix the damage, sir?"

"Of course we can. Don't be a fool. Didn't you ever see injuries like these in Midgar?"

"Well... not exactly..."

"Alterations can be made. It may actually improve the experiments."

"Sir?"

"Never mind. You - get the restraints in place. And you take care of the drug administration. We can't have him struggling during this procedure."

"Yessir!"

"Don't screw up again."

The voices faded away as I felt a faint prick of a needle in my arm. Past the dull glare of light filtering through my eyelids, I could see shadows, but little else. Soon, there was nothing.

But... the pain... it always came back...





When I woke for the second time - it was days later, I heard from Hojo during his recitations - I had the worst headache of my life. It felt as though I had tried to break out of the glass cell by pounding my head against it, and at first I was tempted to do just that; it was hurting so bad...

I reached up to brush my hair out of my eyes, shivering from a chill I couldn't give a source to, and froze as I felt cold metal touch my forehead.

Metal...?

Staring down, horror welling up in my throat, I saw what Hojo had done to me while the drugs kept me unconscious.

Claws. He'd given me claws. Just like them, like his precious Heartless-

No! I'm not like them! I'm not-

Heart... want it...

Shut up...

The new hand was golden in colour - like their eyes, I couldn't avoid thinking - and barely went past my wrist. I could still feel my hand beneath it; it was more like a metallic glove than a replaced limb, but even as I gazed at it, I knew it would be impossible to just take off. As I moved each finger - claw - I felt the metal grind together beneath my skin, like a new machine that had yet to be used, and was in need of oil to get it working. It wasn't painful - through my shock, I wondered if Hojo had destroyed the very nerves that made me even feel pain in that hand - but it was the most disturbing thing I'd ever felt. I clenched the hand into a fist, and the metal shrieked as claws fell against the palm.

"Isn't it lovely?"

I whirled around, my eyes narrowed as I caught sight of Hojo smiling devilishly from behind the transparent wall. "Are you nuts? What did you do, Hojo?!"

He shrugged. "Your hand was beyond simple repair. Even an advanced Cure spell wouldn't have saved it. You should thank me for letting you keep it - although Sephiroth would hardly have need of a maimed specimen."

I glowered back at him, slamming my fist against the glass. "Thank you?! This is your fault!"

"Hardly," Hojo's smile faded. "That was my idiot assistant's mistake. You were not to be permanently damaged; those were my instructions. I must say I'm grateful, though, that you were able to... remedy the situation yourself."

I felt a sick churning in my stomach, and I fought it back, swallowing hard. He was right. I had fixed it myself - I made the Heartless listen to me.

I let the darkness speak to them... I let them touch my heart enough to hear me.

I was starting to realize what Hojo's experiments were supposed to do.

"You..." My mouth was dry; I swallowed again, closing my eyes. "You wanted this to happen. You wanted me to..."

"To contact them? Of course. Are you simple, boy? That's the whole point of these experiments! The SOLDIER program is meant to create immensely powerful warriors - men prepared for combat in all situations. Men who command lesser men to war - through fear, through power, through pure discipline." Hojo spun away, hands clasped behind his back. "But the Heartless - they have none of those traits. They are a group of mindless beings who have one thing pushing them into action: Instinct. The instinctive need to seek out the one thing they don't - and cannot - have. A heart."

I watched him pace in front of his computer, a sort of wildness flickering in his eyes that I'd never seen before.

"But this... this is true artistry. I have created a being who walks a fine line between the Heartless and human SOLDIERs... a being who has all the abilities and enhancement of a SOLDIER, yet carries the link that allows communication with the Heartless. Communication that works, Strife! You've seen it yourself. The Heartless listened to you!" He halted to look up at me, eyes gleaming with ambition. "Granted, it was only once... but we'll continue. I won't stop until you're kept in the same cell without fear."

"You're nuts," I repeated, unable to say any more. It... it wasn't supposed to be like this! I was supposed to be just a normal SOLDIER - just a grunt in the army, strong enough to fight my own battles.

I didn't want to command the Heartless for Hojo's sake. Not even for Ansem's sake; not anymore.

Heart... give us a heart.

"Shut up..." I whispered, clasping my head with both hands and sinking to my knees. "Get out..."

Share, Master?

We're hungry...

I groaned, squeezing my eyes shut as tightly as I could, but the voices... they wouldn't leave me.

And the clawed hand digging into my scalp wouldn't disappear, as much as I wished it.

Get... get out of my head...





The experiments continued. I disappointed Hojo more than once during those following days, for I was unable to control the Heartless again. I didn't receive any more injuries - nothing compared to my hand, anyway - and I was forced to admit that as repulsive as the metallic attachment was, it helped me fight off the Heartless more than once.

If it helped me to escape, then maybe I'd be grateful.

Hojo was getting frustrated, though; his experiments had been brought to a halt, and he was convinced that I wasn't working hard enough. As if he expected me to cooperate... I knew he was insane, but I didn't think he was stupid.

One day I woke to the sounds of a low table being set up in the middle of the lab, and I watched Hojo's assistants work on it, curiousity and dread vying for attention in my mind. The last time I'd been on that examination table, Hojo had mutilated my left hand.

What's he planning now?

I didn't dare ask him, though; he was standing in the corner, beside his computer as usual, and I preferred to not draw attention to myself when I could. Anything that delayed his procedures was definitely a good thing.

Heart...?

"Shut up," I muttered, unable to help myself. Hojo glanced over, and I cursed under my breath. So much for stealth.

Stupid Heartless.

"Good morning," the scientist greeted, stepping over to my cell. "We're going to try something a little different today."

"I'm thrilled."

Hojo just smiled. "I can tell. Did you know that the Heartless react to the most extreme of emotions, Strife? Anger... hatred... terror... pain. It's as though the more strain one places on the heart, the more the Heartless react to it. It makes sense, doesn't it?"

"Hey, you're the expert," I snapped, rising to my feet, "You tell me."

"Patience, boy. Patience." Hojo turned away, as the assistants finished with the table. He carefully checked each restraint, tugging each one to be certain it was secure.

One of the assistants - Hojo had never deemed it necessary to give them names, at least while I was conscious - gave me a sideways glance. "Should I prepare the drugs, sir?"

Hojo shook his head, eyes narrowed. "If I want you to give the specimen drugs, I'll ask for them, won't I?" He straightened up, giving the other assistant a brief nod to acknowledge that the restraints earned his approval. "To answer your question, no. I want him awake and alert for this procedure."

You've got to be kidding me.

"Awake and alert" generally translated to an experiment involving the Heartless. But what was he going to do then, if I was going to be tied down?

I didn't have much time to think about it; the next thing I knew, the second assistant had cast Stop and I was brought in silence out of my cell, dumped onto the icy table and carefully secured from head to toe. When the spell was removed I could move my head a little, but only an inch or so off the metal beneath me. As much as I struggled, I couldn't move anything else at all.

Hojo leaned over me, a cold smile on his face. "Ready for the day, Strife?"

"What... what are you doing...?"

"You'll see." He waved a hand to the assistants, and they wheeled the table over to the cage containing the Heartless. I swallowed hard, trying to crush the terror bubbling in my throat.

He wasn't going to just let them do as they pleased... was he?

Why keep me alive all this time, just so he could-

... am I going to die?

A rush of cold wind swept past me, and I could only assume they had encased the Heartless in ice while they opened the door. I strained my eyes and lifted my head as much as I could to see, but it was impossible. An icy hand patted my bare shoulder, and I shivered.

"Don't disappoint me, boy. This one is life or death for you."

Life or death?

It was true. He wasn't going to help me this time. I was... I was on my own. The message was clear.

Control them this time, or you'll be one of them.

But... I couldn't...

I can't do it!

I don't want to...

I looked over to my left, and my eyes widened as I met the gaze of one of the frozen Heartless. It's upper body was already free, fingers grasping at the ice holding it in place. By my feet, I could hear the other Heartless doing the same.

I don't want to die here!

I felt something tearing at my skin, an aching lancet of pain ripping through my shoulder. The dark creature bared gleaming white teeth at me, it's golden eyes frigidly inhuman, claws stretching out towards my chest. Within the depths of it's gaze, I could see the raw hunger - I knew how badly it wanted to plunge those fingers into my heart. I could hear the empty voice echoing through my mind.

Zack had golden eyes, I thought vaguely.

The pain surged to a new level, a biting cold spreading down my arm, as if I'd suddenly been dropped into a bucket of ice water. There was no numbing relief for me - if Hojo was experimenting how his perfect soldier reacted to pain, he was pushing it -

I felt like screaming.

Zack wouldn't scream, I bet.

I... I'm not Zack.

I don't want to-

The first creature broke loose from it's mystical chains and leapt towards me, the darkness spreading out from it's body towards mine as sharp fingers forced their way through my skin. As if in reaction to the shadow's freedom, something inside me broke free.

I started screaming.

I don't want to be him...

Glowing golden eyes watched me, almost curious, but when I shut my eyes, it was to block out Hojo's triumphant smile.


~*~

To be continued

~*~

AN: Well, I had planned to keep going, but it turned out to be much longer than I thought, ^^;;

Throughout this entire chapter, I had this terrible urge to make the Heartless talk like Gollum. Aren't I awful? *snicker*

Heartless: We wants it, prrrrecious...

Cloud's claw arm: Reading Nomura-san's notes (I can't remember the exact source, unfortunately), I noticed that he wanted to include Vincent in the game somewhere but wasn't able to. Instead, he gave Cloud certain attributes (the claw, the cape) to replace that. Since Vincent got his arm from Hojo, I thought it was appropriate that the same thing happened with Cloud. Some people might argue that it's just a glove, and maybe it is - but this is my theory, ^_^

So sorry to disappoint, but all you Zack fans will have to wait until next time to see what's up with him. Speaking of which... next chapter: It's high time Cloud went back to the real world! But is he ready for it? And what is Sephiroth's final opinion of what Hojo has done?

Reviewer Responses:

Koorino Megumi: That's some real sad irony. Well, at least I could upload at work, ^^;; I'm not quite sure what to do with Hojo yet... whether he escapes or gets himself killed... ah, your reviews make me laugh. *grin*

Seishin Kibou: It's all good. I find myself saying "oro" randomly these days...

link no miko: That is by far the best nickname I have ever seen for Cloud. Actually, that one and unicorn wonder. *snicker* Squeak, you rock my socks. Thanks for giving this little fic a chance, ^^ However, Zack's not the experiment this time. That's one of the major changes I made.

Jade-Jaganashi: Heh, it's funny that you know Zack from the RP more than from this fic, whereas for me it's the other way around...