"That's just an ordinary book." Said Calvin, simply.
"Oh, really?" Said Calvin, innocently.
"journalists?" Asked one of the white faced women.
"Call it what you want." Said Calvin, still playing for time.
"Why is it, that this book is authored by a Mr Snicket?" snarled Olaf.
"That's my nickname." said Calvin, quickly.
"How is it that you know what has happened before you actually appeared?" said Olaf.
"OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" screamed Calvin, throwing his arms into the air, "I DIDN'T WRITE THE STUPID BOOK! I HAVEN'T EVEN READ IT! THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE IS BECAUSE MOM WANTED ME TO READ IT, AND I DIDN'T WANT TO READ IT, SO I INVENTED THIS MACHINE, TOOK HOBBES WITH ME, AND I'M JUST THE DARN KID STANDING BY, AND WATCHING THE STUPID BOOK, SO I'LL KNOW WHAT TO SAY WHEN MY MOM QUIZZES ME ON IT!"
Calvin finally inhaled, and gave the shocked Olaf and his group an icy glare.
Calvin then blurted out, "AND I SUGGEST TO YOU, MY LITTLE BALD FRIEND, THAT YOU RELINQUISH HOBBES AND GIVE ME BACK THAT STUPID BOOK, THAT OUGHT TO BE BURIED AND NEVER LOOKED AT AGAIN!"
Olaf leaned over to the person who didn't look like a man or a woman and said. "this kid has hyperactive emotions. Quickly gag him, but don't make him angry."
The man-lady instantly leaped into Calvin, and attempted to gag him.
Calvin put up a good fight.
He bit, kicked, punched, and clawed (he hadn't clipped his fingernails in a week) at the fat whatsit.
But at last, Calvin was fought down, and taken to Olaf. Who said, "If you are a journalist as you say, you will..."
Calvin spat the hanky out of his mouth and shrieked, "I'M NOT A JOURNALIST YOU GRAVY BRAIN!"
Olaf's eyes seemed roll into the back of his head.
"That's... just... great. Now I'm going to take you back to your uncle and..."
"HE'S NOT MY UNCLE! THAT STUPID IDIOT WHO CALLS HIMSELF A FARMER OUGHT TO BE SHOVED DOWN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT! THAT BRAINLESS IDIOT WOULDN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BECAUSE . . . "
"THROW HIM IN THE CAR AND SHUT HIM UP!" screamed Olaf, holding his ears.
The incredible man lady threw Calvin in the trunk of their car as he screamed, "AND FURTHER MORE, YOUR MOTHER HAD TWO EYE BROWS! SO THERE!"
The Bald man with the long nose quickly slammed the trunk shut.
"Why don't we set the car off a cliff?" suggested the hook handed man, staring at the trunk that had a hysterical screech coming out of it.
"No." Said Olaf. "We'll take him to his buddies. Then he will know the end of his story!"
"And the book?" asked the bald man.
"We'll burn it." Said Olaf. "In front of him, so he can see."
The crew laughed and got into the car.
On the way, the hook handed man, two white-faced women, and the man lady, who were all in the back seat, were all starting to go deaf.
"Can we switch seats?" Shouted the hook handed man over all the screams and protests coming out of the trunk behind him.
"Deal with it." Said Olaf.
Just then, the seat lurched forward, and one of the white-faced women went crashing into the back of the seat.
"HEY!" she screeched. "He's kicking now! Olaf!"
"We're almost there." Sighed Olaf.
Calvin threw another kick at the hook handed hand.
His seatbelt snapped, and he crashed into the back of the front seat.
At last Calvin stopped screaming and kicking.
The crew thought that Calvin had finally accepted his fate.
HA!
Did they think that Calvin was just going to sit there like a nice little boy, while they locked him up, and threw away the key?
No sir-ee!
Calvin grabbed a bottle of ketchup, and squirted it all over his arms, face, and legs.
He then took a knife, and made a small hole in the back of the trunk that looked like a bullet hole.
Then, he blew up a paper bag, and popped it.
POW!
"AIIEEEE! I'VE BEEN SHOT!" Screamed Calvin.
The car screeched to a stop.
Calvin muffled his insane laughs, as he pretended to be dead.
Calvin heard Olaf say, "my trunk!"
then he opened the trunk up,
"OH NO!" yelled the bald man. "He bled all over the car! My good shirt was in there!"
"Oh, get over it!" said Olaf. "Who's going to get him into a sack?"
"Not me!" Said the two white-faced women.
"I'm not touching him!" said the bald man.
Calvin leaped up.
"I've never been so insulted in all my life!" he screamed. "You should be bending over backwards just to touch me!"
The crew screamed.
"AAA! IT'S THE CURSE OF THE DEAD KID!"
They all ran away screaming.
"MORONS!" Calvin screamed. "ARE YOU BLIND! THE KETCHUP BOTTLE WAS RIGHT OVER THERE IN PLAIN SIGHT! BOZOS!"
Olaf stared at Calvin in terror.
Calvin grabbed a handful of ketchup, and shoved it into his mouth.
"IT'S KETCHUP YOU IDIOT!" Olaf's eyes glazed over, and he bent over ready to throw up.
"Gloat off? Do me a favor! When you throw up, don't eat it, again! Bozo!"
Calvin then walked off, dusting the ketchup off himself.
Calvin grabbed the Unfortunate Events book, and stormed all the way back to Bill's little shelter.
Calvin walked over to Bill's barn. There he saw that the door was warped at the bottom.
Anything could get in.
"That idiot has to fix this door!" He said.
He then spotted a note on the barn door. Calvin read it.
Dear Bill
Hi. It's me, Bill! This door's gonna has to be fixed someday. Them coons are always breaking in! Hmmm. Oh well, I'll get a little trap ready for the varmints! I'll fix them all right!
Love Bill.
"Of corse!" screamed Calvin, throwing his arms in the air. "Ignore the door, and fix the racoon! Genius!"
Calvin then complained his way back to the Book Transport.
Calvin climbed into it, slipped the book into the machine, and watched the machine start.
"GET OVER HERE HOBBES!"
No reply.
"Oh yeah, the barf eater has you. I guess your expecting me to save you now, right?"
No reply.
"Yeah, well, you'll owe me!"
Calvin hit the start button, and flew off in search of his . . . ahem . . . "friends."