Decision, by Shaka

I love ice knights, and Hyoga is just my fave one. This fic is the second of my three one-shot stories, also my only Hyoga-Shun.

Another sad story, another impossible love told on first person. I really hope you enjoy it.

Its structure is based on Placebo's song "My sweet prince".

I did not choose coming to this world, as no one of us do.

Who is able to choose when and how receiving life? After all, we only have an option: finish it.

I couldn't choose belonging to this land, I could not decide to be born where I did it between glaciers and loneliness, nor to receive the blood that runs thought my veins.

The light of the sun is the only thing that makes differences between people all over the world. Every human culture makes its traditions due to the amount of sunshine they receive. It is said that human beings get adapted perfectly to everything, even to the hardest living conditions.

And this is certain. If my eyes are so clear, is just because they're useful to support the reflection of solar rays in the snow on a better way. If my face is so pale, is simply because I am not going to receive more caress from the light.

But this is something that most of people don't understand. My physical appearance let me being alive on the cold North, but in other lands it can be such a big problem.

I did not choose to be born in a far and remote place, where the climate domains your character as another primary form of survival. The northern people use to get suicided more than southern ones. They are warm, but we... I...

I protect myself from the light.

The light intimidates me. It stuns me.

I did not choose, as I already told you, to carry these genes. How could a 7 years old boy know, or at least suppose, that the others children avoided him just for being different?

His father is a foreigner.

I did not choose that this cruel word made me company during my whole life.

Foreigner.

My features are Nordic, but those who know me well can appreciate that my constitution is not as Aryan as it should.

I own Russian and Asian blood.

Even something as simple as my name holds too many meanings. The traditions I was born on, my past, my culture... They're all are written in Cyrillic, but my name is written in diagrams.

Such contradiction is a good summary of what I am. But it didn't matter what the others said, or how the other mothers looked at me, avoiding their children to get closed to me. They were only slaves of that decadent and archaic Soviet Empire, which began to fall to pieces when I was too young to understand.

I had everything, didn't need anything else. But I did not choose that my world changed radically one night. Promises, and more promises...

She told me about another country, another people, another language... She told me about my father, the figure that I did not have, and that I've never had. She told me about the man I've hated the most, over all the misfortunes that both my body and soul have suffered.

Everything started on my father, because I did not choose to be destined from the very moment I was conceived to be tied to my destiny. And the destiny, with its structured script, said that the sea had to steal the few things I held.

The sea took her from my side; she was the only victim of the terrible ocean. My mother, the one I don't know anything about, because... Why should a 7 years old boy being worried about those things, surrounded by his innocent vision?

I will never know it. I will never know if my mother was a good person, if she loved, if she suffered. Her reasons. Her intentions. If she had a family, or if she had the same luck than me.

I did not choose that they took me to that far land. I did not choose that they made me meet my father, and less than he treated me as an object.

A foreign son...

I've never been like the others. I've always known it. I've always felt and suffered too much for everything. And it was only the begging of my torment.

I... I did not choose to live with one hundred more children in that place. Luckily, at that early age it wasn't difficult learning a new language. The years have passed away, and sometimes I forced myself to think on my own idiom, but even nowadays my heart aches when I listen to that word. Its meaning buried deep inside of me.

Tovarish.

Perhaps by my singularity, you got near me. You were so small and full of curiosity... But yours was an affectionate curiosity, not like our other brothers'. Yes, because I already knew at those moments that we all shared that part of blood I detest, and that always will run though my veins, no matter how much I try to empty them.

You also were different. You accepted me without repairs. And they bother you due to your weakness. I didn't want to let it happen, so I participated in as many fights that I can't remember just to defend you.

Those were happy days. But sadly... I did not choose that they separated us and sent us to our training places. Siberia was written in my piece of paper, and I returned to her.

Sibir, which in my native language means "the East". The land that watched me grow called me with a bloody mission that if I've had known it before, I'd had resisted to accept it.

I did not choose to have that master, nor my companion. I shared with them the last phase of my childhood, and my adolescence. In pain, sweat, blood and tears; tears of frustration, loneliness and lack of understanding.

The destiny also wrote that I'd had to be a secondary character on my own history. Secondary of Isaac, that whatsoever, replaced you, turning you on a memory of my ephemeral days in Japan.

Secondary of Camus, the Ice Wizard, the one I was afraid of, the one I'm still, even after his death.

I grew and I grew, full of doubts and inferiority complex, fed by the indifference of the French who put us under a strong training. But Isaac always was friendly to me but in one thing…

I did not have election. It was most important. Her memory. My last evidence of identity.

I grew, my powers also did. I realised that I was stronger than a common man, and I felt I had to use my qualities to get back what the ocean snatched me. If I had been able to choose, I had preferred that Isaac had encouraged me to it. But it didn't happen.

He, a perfect shadow of Camus, reproached me for my intentions. He took my hopes and dreams breaking them across the iced floor.

I'll never be at your level. I'll never be like you.

My only consolation was hundreds of meters under the frozen surface of the sea. I did not choose that Isaac paid with its life by my yearnings. No matter how much it happens, I won't forget myself. That day three things died: the swan knight, my friend and me.

I died for my own master.

Even my sanity died, because I kept on trying it. Every year that passed my power increased, and waters got frozen with the winter arrival, so I broke the crystal walls again and again.

At least, I was able to reach her. I thought my soul would rest in peace when I saw my mother's corpse, but it wasn't that way. Secretly, I visited her whenever it was possible to me without letting my master noticed it.

I should have known that it was impossible. Camus knew everything about my obsession.

Finally, the day of my test arrived, which I surpassed. It was the damn day I became an Athena warrior, I do not know if it was by my own merits, or just because I was the only one who applied for the bronze cloth. Camus disappeared that same night. It was part of the treatment, the last evidence of his lack of interest about me.

I was the other apprentice, the secondary. So I accepted it as I did my the Sanctuary's orders. They told me to look after my iced cloth and finish my brother's lives, due to their condition of treacherous. And there, I saw you.

You were alive. You had changed, possibly as much as I, but you kept on being the same one. That sweet calm still remained in your green eyes.

I could not choose at those moments, and I made my role on that false arrogance fulfilling my part, but I wasn't sure about my imposed objectives. I couldn't believe that all you were Sanctuary's enemies, my enemies. It was impossible. So I decided join all you.

It was the best decision I've ever made.

Talk about everything we have lived together would be a waste of time.

Life.

Death.

Fight.

Desperation.

Conflict.

Blood.

More blood.

Justice.

Hades.

Of all the creatures which have been on this planet, you were designated to incarnate the last one I've never thought about. How it was possible that you were indeed the chosen one to being God of the death's reincarnation from your birth? I'm still trying to get an answer.

After the end of the Holy War, I refused to let it happen. I refused to let you sank in your remorse.

You're not the one the blame.

Sometimes, it is necessary to fight against your own destiny, although it is fiex on your skin like a tattoo. And you survived yours.

We stood in Greece, under the protection of Sanctuary, again like two orphans. I without my teacher, you with nobody but me. They gave us what we deserved, the recognition of being great soldiers and a place where living. Although they were only the ramshackle poor houses destined to trainers, now they were ours.

Four walls to call, paradoxically, a home. Our home.

And in the false calm that reigned after the battle, days went by, then weeks and months did so. It felt a peace I've never known before. Days were limited to train and sharing company, and also on look after the Zodiac Temples, most of them empty. It was a little time to breathe after so much suffering and responsibilities, and we got under the instructions of the new Pope, who told all us to help him on the Athena's legion reconstruction.

I... I did not choose that I happened... I did not choose that one afternoon, while we shared a wonderful view from the hills, you confessed what you really felt for me. My whole world collapsed, because the last thing I wanted was breaking your heart.

I did not choose holding you strongly, with my face supported in your shoulder, without looking you to the eyes and being sincere, telling you that yes, I loved you, but not in the same way.

I'm a liar… Of course I was able to choose in that moment. I chose telling you that I couldn't love you as you did.

Although you were in tears, you put a smile on your lips and told me not to worry, because nothing would change between us. "I only need a little time", you said. I did not choose letting you go, leaving me alone watching the far sign of Athens.

It was the best. I wanted to follow you, but my presence would hurt you even more. I did not choose became your worst misfortune instead your only consolation.

I thought and thought, in those three days I avoided meeting you.

Wasn't I really able to be with you? Or didn't I want to? Were the dogmas that governed my life as strong to impede me accepting my true feelings?

Two basic things of myself didn't let me do it. I am Christian, but not catholic as so much believe. I am orthodox. But it didn't make difference, because none of these religions let me love another man.

Also, I'm an Athena knight. Relationships between warriors are forbidden. Love between battle companions, just what you and I are.

My religion. The only thing that gives me the sensation of belonging to a group. I am Russian. And therefore, orthodox. Prayers help me to keep my mother's flame alive.

My devoted service to this legion which I belong to, the one I have given everything to, the one I've fought for justice and love for. A love that has been prohibited to me.

New contradictions added to the equation that I am. That time I made a decision by my own. I chose giving myself an opportunity, so I looked for you and for your cosmos, and I found you in the Garden of Virgo Temple, that one you have always like as much. I seated by your side without saying a word.

I took your face on my hands and I kissed your lips. What I felt removed doubts from me. I resigned to everything, to my beliefs, just to walk at your side on an unknown route for both of us.

Just to love my comrade-in-arms. My best friend. My... Stepbrother.

Did it matter that we shared the middle of our blood? You corresponded me with the silent words your lips were able to say. They told me that it didn't.

I did not choose that your brother hit me when we let him know. I did not choose to have to spit blood over the ground and get on my knees, just to implore him to make sense of the situation. I did not choose that your own brother disowned from you. Your pain was evident, but you accepted it with harmony, maybe because you knew it wouldn't be possible getting both of us; so you stayed with me, letting Ikki go way from you.

I did not choose to feel the rejection, and had to hide from the others our union. Like two fugitives in Sanctuary, running away of the society that anonymously coexisted there. But you made me want to go ahead, as I suppose I did for you.

Seeing you smiling was enough to surpass my fears. But although being with you deported me happiness, a cruel truth was in my head all the time.

We are soldiers. And as soldiers, we are destined to die.

The perspective of a world without you frightened me. I don't fear death. I do fear my old friend, the solitude.

I never thought that my first time would be with you. Better said, I never thought that it would happen. I'd have already made up my mind: as a warrior, it was very possible for me to die in battle. I'd dying young, and virgin.

But it wasn't that way.

It was raining. It was a dark night, stars had gone from our sign due to the storm. I got to your house, we both were soaked because we had run a long distance to escape from the flood. I sited at your bed, watching you like a figure on the shadows looking for a candle to illuminate us with.

At that moment I realized I was terrified, because nobody had taught me how to react in that situation. I was trained to being an assassin on the action-reaction mode. My mind demanded a reaction for the amount of feelings my body and heart were passing thought. But nobody had showed me how. Neither to you.

Even so, you became the master when, after leaving the small golden light on the ground, you moved my wet hair from my face and kissed me. We lay one by one, and you confessed me your own thoughts and fears. You also knew that sooner or later pain and sacrifice of the battle would return to our lives.

I... I never thought that you would told me that you wanted to become one with me before the false freedom we were enjoying disappeared. I looked you at the eyes. The dark surrounded us, only broken by the candle that illuminated your serenity, and rain, which mitigated all sounds from the outside like a sweet lullaby.

I could not choose. If I had been able to do it, I wouldn't have chosen being so nervous. The contact of your skin and its warm gave me calm. Slowly, and with the complicity that always had been between us, taken to another concept.

Neither the fear nor the embarrassment was able to win against the simple and sweet desire. Your ivory body over mine, my marble body over yours. I gave myself to a rite as old as humanity, writing an episode more in our Greek tragedy. We could heard thousand of ancient voices from other forbidden and forgotten love stories as ours.

I didn't know that it would be the first and last time I'd made love with you. While I was penetrating in your body, while you were doing the same on mine in a mixture of pain and pleasure, I wanted to forget myself, forget who I was, who you were. I wanted to forget the Zodiac Legion. I wanted to forget all the death left behind. My past. My future.

I just wanted the present. And my present was you.

I wasn't able to sleep that night. The rain kept on fall singing for me as you rested. I stayed at the same position with my chin on your head, my chest feeling your presence… I knew I'd have to pay an expensive price for that moment of happiness, it had always been that way. I didn't want to sleep, just looked at you and enjoy every second together, keeping your secret, letting you keep mine. I cried in silence just to not wake up you.

I promised myself those would be my last tears. My promise was not in vain. They were.

I did not choose that the Pope sent me back to the far North in order to look for new ice knights candidates. I did not choose that you suffered a similar fate, because you were sent to the remote island you won your cloth at.

It was the law. When pupils surpass their masters, became masters, although they're young.

A warrior's life is shot, it gets burnet as powder. I did not choose that our farewell were cold and military. We did not have a little time to spend alone, so as we stood by our companions I repeated the same gesture with you. I inclined with respect my head, while our eyes remained anchored… I ignore if the others saw something, but I saw everything that was happening through your mind. I felt your words in my mind, your cosmos surrounding me.

We were not able to win that war, Hyoga… But we won a battle.

Since that moment, whenever I need it, I remember those meaningful words that we only both know.

I did not choose that ephemeral peace disappeared while I was in Siberia, nor the chaos reached us immediately. An internal confrontation was born in Sanctuary between those who wanted to rule and the Pope and his followers. I did not choose arriving too late and founding you in the damned Aquarius Temple next to your enemy. He was destroyed, but I didn't pay attention to it.

I found you in the cold ground, over a puddle of blood. Crossed, as Seiya in Hades.

I did not choose had to leave you there, Shun, just to get on my way until I reached Athena's room and found those four traitors who were still alive. I did not choose freezing them without mercy when all that I wanted was to embrace your lifeless body and cry.

Yes, we won a battle, but we could not face that war we have lost from the day we are born. We can't face death.

After it, I returned to my land, where an ice desert was waiting for me. A frozen eternity, as my own heart.

As I told you at the beginning, we do not have the faculty of choose when and how arriving at life. And in that life, we only have a decision to reach: giving end to it.

My master sank the ship where my mother died in the Eastern Siberia Sea. He made that just for me to not return to see her, and made a cure to my weakness, as he called it. But Camus was mistaken. I was able to see her, but with one condition.

If I go down on the ocean, I won't be back alive.

I swam and I swam on cold water, increasing my cosmos just to not die of hypothermia. It took to me about an hour reaching my objective. Exhausted, and almost without air on my lungs, I entered that room where the body of the young who gave me life almost two decades ago still was.

My mother, the one I do not know anything about. The one I want to think that was a wonderful woman. The one I feel devotion for. The one I return to.

Without breaking her eternal beauty, I lay at her side like the child I once was, looking for her consolation.

This time I've chosen. My life does not finish here, I died that day they separated me from you.

While I use my last forces on freezing myself, I smile. My life has been a collection of sadness and suffering, but there are two images that shine more than the rest. I was born over the ice, and I'm dying over the ice. I'm a warrior, but I choose dying like a man, next to the last piece of humanity I have left. Next to the memory of another man, the only person I have ever loved.

I know that nobody will miss me, but it does not matter to me. I feel satisfied because I've wrote the last page of my story. As I fell on an iced and frozen dream which will last forever, my thoughts go at two persons.

Da cvidandja, mama…

And to you…

Da cvidandja…

At least… I've been able to choose by myself.

The end

Translation notes:

Tovarish means "comrade" in Russian.

Da cvidandja means "See you" or "Bye" in Russian.