I had "Into the West" looping as I wrote this. Fear it.

Ephemeral Blossoms

Akai Kitsune

Part 18: Goodbye Too Many Times

I was never really sure what guided me that night, what gave me the speed and strength to find him. Maybe even the Heartless led me; I couldn't deny that I'd felt their sudden appearance, as soon as Aerith had awakened my memory. I ran without tiring, pushed by the urgency I should have felt hours before, knowing, knowing and hating myself for it.

Zack had known. How could he have known, and yet - like me - not understood at all?

Too late. Too many questions, too late.

"Something's going to change."

My heart ached, but I ignored it, for my shoulder was hurting me even more.

"Why haven't they stopped us?"

Because we've always fought together. Because we were too strong for them.

"We're a team."

But we were both captured when we were alone...

How had I forgotten?

I reached the scattered forest behind the castle before I even realized it - only knowing when I heard an alarmed shout, the screech of metal smashing against wood, the explosion of magic striking an opponent. Above it all, the smothering presence of darkness seemed to linger everywhere.

Impossibly, I ran faster, my breath catching in my throat. Don't let it be too late, please don't let me be late...

And after what seemed an eternity, my chest throbbing from exhaustion, I broke through the trees just as Zack stumbled and fell to the ground.

Shouting his name, shouting incoherent challenges to the Heartless swarming around him, I rushed forward, waving my arms like a fool driving away unwanted birds. The Heartless hissed and scattered, golden eyes fading into the shadows of the trees as they fled. A moment later I stood alone in the grass, watching in disbelief, left breathless by my long run.

... Why? Why would they...

"Cloud? Hey, kid..."

My eyes widened, the Heartless and their strange behaviour forgotten, and I spun around, crouching beside my fallen friend. "Zack? Zack!"

He gave a quiet groan, squeezing his eyes shut. "Thought... you were with Aerith," he murmured after a moment.

I swallowed hard. "I... we're done. I mean... I said I'd come..."

"And I said I'd wait." Zack's lips curved into a smirk. "Well... you can tell her you were fashionably late. She'll... she'll laugh at that." He coughed, trying to clear his throat. "... Maybe."

I ignored his attempted humour. "Zack," I pressed a hand against a wound in his chest, searching for a way to staunch the bleeding, "What happened? Did they ambush you-?"

His eyes crept open, the golden Mako glow faded and weak. "Y-yeah... sort of..." he chuckled softly, brushing a hand against his mouth. I noticed red flecks appearing between his fingers. "I got a little sidetracked."

I bit my lip, knowing exactly what might have distracted his attention. "Zack... I'm-"

"Shut up, Cloud!" he hissed, clenching his hands into fists. "I told you... to drop it. It's her choice. I'm not gonna argue with that. Ever." He smiled again. "Besides, it's a bit moot now..."

"... that's not funny, Zack."

"I didn't mean it to be."

I shook my head, half in anger at my own naiveté and half in disbelief that he could still try to joke in his state. That was... so Zack. I wanted to hate him for it, wanted to understand why I couldn't.

I don't hate you...

His eyes, weary and shining faintly in the darkness, lifted to meet mine. "You took the flower, didn't you? The one I didn't want? Did.. did she tell you that?" I nodded stiffly. "Heh. I told her it wouldn't last. It'd die, and then where would we be? There... would be nothing left. Nothing alive. Nothing to love." He closed his eyes again, smiling. "So she gave me her ribbon."

I didn't know how to respond to that. The flower was sitting in the barracks, abandoned, forgotten on my bunk. My sword was with it, and at that moment, I wasn't certain what I wanted more.

I wish I had them both... I wish I'd -been- here with them when...

... because you wouldn't have been alone...

"You need to get out of here," he spoke up again, his voice a quiet hiss between clenched teeth. "We're... not alone."

I stared at him. "I know that, but the Heartless are-"

"No, Cloud!" he cut in, struggling, trying to force himself to sit up. "After all this time... and you think it was just the Heartless?" His eyes narrowed at my confusion. "Think, just think about it!"

I tried. I wanted to, but before I could even begin I heard the bushes rustling around us, felt the darkness lifting again to cover us.

"Get out of here," Zack repeated quietly. Silently, I shook my head, raising my fists and preparing to fight. We'd been taken alone. I wasn't going to leave him again.

He gave a resigned sigh, slumping back down to the ground, and tapped his hand against my boot to get my attention.

"Here," he managed, grasping at his sword and pulling it over to me as best as he could. "Take this with you." Seeing my hesitation, he narrowed his eyes. "I gave it to you once. Don't... you can't refuse it this time."

I grimaced, unwilling to take his weapon away, even if he himself couldn't lift it, even though I was weaponless myself. "Zack, I-"

"You idiot," he growled, blood trailing down his chin, "Just do it!"

Against my better judgement - and my own feelings on the matter - I wrapped my hand around the hilt, unmoving for a moment.

Zack lifted his head, a weak grin spreading across his lips. "Don't hesitate. You want to protect her, don't you?"

I pursed my lips, my only answer a slow nod. I do, I do...

"Then... that means you've gotta do it. I'm counting on you to do what's right."

My eyes widened. "Zack... you don't-"

"You know what I mean, Cloud," he whispered, placing one hand over his heart. "You know what has to be done."

"I can't!"

"You can and you will," Zack grit his teeth, trying to sit up, "Because it's the only thing that'll save me right now. Don't leave me to the fate they want for me."

I shivered, despite myself. He wanted to die by human hands. He wanted his heart to disappear from their grasp, before the Heartless could steal it from him... before they could change him into one of them.

He wanted to be spared from that fate, in case the Heartless ever took over and destroyed everyone.

Including Aerith.

Have you given up already? You, who always believed we could do this?

His eyes searched mine, waiting for an answer. "Cloud... we're friends, right?"

That question stung, more than anything. Of course we are. We're friends. Friends forever. Don't ask me to do this.

Friends... shouldn't have to do this.

"... so don't leave me hanging like this, okay?"

I can't...

"We're friends, right?"

"... friends, right?"

"We're-"

"NO!" I cried out, drawing the broadsword forward to face the woods, my eyes narrowed sharply as the creatures crept forward. Their yellow eyes glared at me, challenging my strength and my determined gaze.

"Cloud..." Zack objected faintly, but I barely heard him above the growls of the Heartless. I set free a battle cry and charged into their midst, fighting with everything I had within me. Zack was hurt and he needed me for once. I was not going to let him down. There was a strength growing in my body - in my heart - that I'd never known was there.

I defended my friend from the Heartless for who-knows how long - minutes, hours, possibly all night, I couldn't tell - before I heard voices that were not my own or my attackers. There was a loud scream of outrage, the sound of weapons flaring to life around me. Heartless began to shriek and flee, their hissing anger echoing through the trees. The sword drooped to the ground, far too heavy for my exhausted arms to carry any longer. Someone caught me as I stumbled backwards, and I gazed up to see Cid's face, his eyes uncharacteristically concerned.

"You okay, kid?" he asked gently, his words muffled by the cigarette dangling from his lips.

"Hey, kid..."

My eyes widened. "Zu-Zack..." I murmured hoarsely, struggling to get up. Cid held me down, shaking his head.

"Cloud, Cloud! Just hold still. Zack... he's gone."

I froze instantly, my face blank.

Gone.

Zack's gone.

I looked behind me, expecting to find a body, or some part of him there - his clothes, his face, his stupid, relaxed grin...

Gone. Completely and utterly gone.

I realized then that his heart was gone too; gone to the Heartless, gone exactly where he didn't want it to be. And it was my fault... because I refused to kill him myself.

It was my fault, and if he had been a Heartless then, I would have killed him anyway.

"Zack's... gone," I repeated dumbly, staring at the empty space where he had been, my eyes drawn to the drying bloodstains in the grass.

"We're friends, right?"

And though I tried to bury them, as the darkness continued to fall, the words always returned to haunt me.

After that I walked through my duties like a dead man; I had a new partner, one who took his job seriously and spoke very little. He didn't fill the dead quiet of our assignments like Zack always used to... and I'd never been inclined to speak unless spoken to, so the hours passed in agonizing silence. I didn't want to talk to a stranger anyway; not someone who couldn't possibly understand me.

Because Zack was gone.

I repeated that in my head several times a day, trying to steel myself against the emotions it awoke in me. Fear, guilt, anger... loss. If he'd died, maybe it would have been better... there would be a body, a real grave, but also a sense that he was more free than any of us could hope to be. He would've been free from bad memories, pain, perhaps even love, if he were trying to run from that, too. It would have been easier, even if I'd killed him like he'd wanted me to. But I didn't - I couldn't - and so he wasn't dead. Gone, but not dead.

I wondered if the Heartless died. If, once their shadow bodies were destroyed, the lost hearts could finally rest. Maybe they just faded; maybe they didn't care about living anymore.

Why hadn't I cared when he was alive? No... when he was -here-...

He always did, didn't he? And... I wanted so much to be like him...

"You can't just keep thinking about it," Tifa argued with me, even though tears streaked her face. She'd known him longer than I had, I realized belatedly. She'd served him drinks and laughed with him for years before we met on the dark Midgar streets that night.

Are you stronger than me?

"Sooner or later you'll have to think about what he'd want you to do," she continued, her hand shifting at her side as if she wanted to touch me yet was afraid to. "Did you even cry for him? He deserves something, Cloud..."

I lifted haggard eyes to her then, my voice nearly inaudible.

"I should have killed him," I told her. I didn't care if she couldn't understand; I just watched her blankly until she left me alone. I didn't see much of Tifa after that.

I didn't see Aerith at all.

At some point Tifa had sent word to Barrett and the others. He'd given no new instructions in response, and I hadn't expected any sympathy from a man who didn't know us. We kept doing what we'd always done since the mission began... but none of us could find the strength to fill the gap of leadership Zack left behind. Tifa wanted me to, I know. That's what she thought he'd want me to do, I bet.

I wanted to hate him for it. Again. I wanted no part of the role he'd taken.

Didn't he choose? Why couldn't I...?

Because he taught you. Because you have a responsibility.

What did you think all those lessons were -for-?

I didn't care. I didn't care enough to be bothered. It was Zack's job. Zack was gone. That was all.

Cid was as sympathetic towards me now as, I supposed, the gruff man could be. He'd gotten along well enough with Zack, so it was probably out of respect for him, if anything. I never told him, but I was a little grateful for the pilot's grim company.

He'd saved me that day; I had left the library so fast Aerith had worried about me, and Zack as well. When she tried to follow she had ended up meeting Cid and three of his crew members on the way. They'd tracked me down and forced the Heartless away; they hadn't been able to destroy them all, and when I'd heard the report, I was startled at the estimated numbers. Too many, too fast... no wonder we'd been overwhelmed.

If they could multiply this much and travel this far in just a month... The thought left me cold. Still - still - Ansem was doing nothing, and the people of the main city were getting restless. Whispers of the possibility of open rebellion made nearly everyone in the castle edgy, jumping at shadows, walking as if on a bed of nails.

As for me, I simply stopped caring - not much of a stretch for me - which prompted still more arguments with Tifa, most of which I ignored.

I wondered, sometimes, if she was angry with me. I had been the one to abandon Zack, whether it was for the sake of Avalanche or not. I wanted to ask how much Aerith had told her, but talking to Tifa had become a chore, and I adamantly refused to talk to Aerith, for reasons no one understood. I didn't know what they thought, and frankly, I could have cared less.

I didn't want to see her... I couldn't bear it. We'd lost Zack because I had been with her. I wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

I had very nearly gotten a formal reprimand and a dismissal from the castle guard; if Cid hadn't vouched for me, I would likely have been let go for acting against orders. No one had offered information that Zack had been alone at the time of the attack; as protection to both of us - he would have been blamed for letting me leave, and I didn't want his memory tarnished that way. I felt bad enough, lying to save my own skin... but I had to stay in the castle if I wanted the answers we'd been seeking, and to do that, I needed to keep my job.

If I'd been really honest with myself, I might have admitted that I didn't want to be sent back to a bunch of strangers. I seriously doubted I'd get along with Avalanche's casual atmosphere. Even Tifa's miserable temper was better than that. Maybe even the inevitability of having to see Aerith again was better.

By how much, I wasn't sure. But I wasn't going back there alone.

Other than my duties as a guard - intensified because of the increase in Heartless attacks as well as the rising tensions within the city - I had little to keep me busy. I could have read books, as Aerith had often recommended to me in the past, but that required going to a place where I might actually encounter her...

Eventually I would run out of excuses... I knew that. But I refused to worry about it more than I had to.

I was given six days of relative peace from Tifa before she apparently had had enough. Bribing and threatening her way into the guard's quarters, she chased my roommates away and crouched beside my bed where I was trying to take a nap, her eyebrows scrunched together in concentration.

"Get up," she ordered after a moment. I stared at her in disbelief, and she grit her teeth. "Come on, get up! Enough is enough - I feel too much like your mother already!"

At the door, a few of the older guards snickered. As Tifa turned her glare on them though, they mercifully fled. Ignoring them, I reluctantly sat up. "If you hate it so much," I muttered, "Leave me alone."

She shook her head stubbornly. "Your mother probably scolded you because she cared about you. I feel the same."

I rolled my eyes and turned away, trying to lie back down. She didn't even know my mo-

"Hey!" I protested, as she gave my hair a firm yank. "Tifa-!"

"You have to listen to me," she snapped, and I looked over at her again. Her eyes softened a little at my expression, but not by much. "Cloud, you're not helping anyone by acting like this."

I resisted the urge to turn away again. I'd heard this one before. But Tifa would have nothing of it.

"Don't you dare start ignoring me!" she growled. "Gods, Cloud, you're older than me and you're acting like a child! You may think you're the only one hurting, but we proved you wrong last time, didn't we?!"

I flushed, my face heating up with anger and embarrassment. "That was-"

"No different," she cut in. "Just because it's a different kind of pain doesn't mean others can't feel it. Pouting in your room-"

"I wasn't pouting!"

"-And avoiding your friends," she continued, blithely ignoring me, "Won't make you feel any better." She softened her tone. "And you were getting better, Cloud. Didn't you notice? You weren't... so cold. So angry. Now you've gone back to that. It scares me."

I blinked, eyes widening a little. "T... Tifa..."

"Everything scares me, now," she whispered, forcing a small smile. "Knowing what the Heartless can really do... actually knowing someone who-" She halted, unable to speak for a moment. My gaze drifted to the sword leaning against the wall. My sword. Zack's sword.

She noticed it, her eyes watering a little, then she hardened herself and looked back at me. "You have to be careful," she said slowly. "If... if you're not... Cloud, you have to hold on to your friends. There are so few you can trust here..."

I looked away uncomfortably, knowing what she was trying to say, unwilling to acknowledge it. At the same time I was surprised; I hadn't expected her to come to Aerith's defense and not my own. Especially like this...

"You should talk to her." I looked up, giving Tifa an odd look, and she sighed faintly. "I never thought I'd say it, but... talk to Aerith."

"I can't talk to her," I muttered. "If I'd been there... with him, instead of-"

"You think she doesn't know that?" she cut in, her eyes suddenly filled with anger. "You think she doesn't blame herself for what happened to him? Why do you think she hasn't come to you, Cloud?!"

I stared back sullenly, uncertain. She blamed herself? Why was I surprised? In a way, it was our fault. He was gone - lost, hopelessly lost from us - because he loved her, and she loved me, and he accepted that when I couldn't. Because he let me choose.

"We're partners, right?"

"... friends, right?"

And now we were enemies.

"How can I face her?" I finally shrugged. "How can I face any of them? What will I do when I see a Heartless now? When there's always a chance it could be him?"

She leaned back as if I'd struck her. "You believe that?" I was silent. "Cloud... it wouldn't be Zack. They took his heart... maybe they stole who he was, but they can't change him. It's not him."

I closed my eyes. "How can you know?"

"... I have to."

I can't think like you do. I can't believe it so easily...

I should have killed him, Tifa...

I felt a hand on my shoulder; felt her embrace, brief and uncomfortable for both of us.

"Talk to Aerith," she whispered in my ear, and then she was gone, lifting herself away, her footsteps moving quietly to the door. I sat in silence for a long time after she left, staring out at nothing, my eyes vacant. Seeing nothing, trying to think nothing, but hearing only her words echo in my head. Then, slowly, I got to my feet.

And I went to the library.

She was organizing the history books when I found her, hunched over a pile of worn novels, dutifully writing out each title before replacing it in the shelf. Her hair was wound around and braided in her pink ribbon - she'd given Zack the red one. It was gone now, like him, like love. He'd taken it because the yellow flower - the one he'd chosen, his favourite - would die.

She didn't go to the gardens anymore, not unless she had to. The roses were spreading too quickly without her to watch them.

She hadn't been to his grave, either, after the first day. I had buried my sword - Zack's custom sword, the one he wanted to have if I had taken his old one - in the ground where he died, a perfect gravestone for the perfect SOLDIER. Aerith left her flowers beside it, the yellow ones that Zack liked so much. It looked so odd, and yet so right; the couple that should have been, the ones that should have lived.

Not me. Not me.

I betrayed him. I should have died.

You idiot. Then who would protect her?

But Zack would have done a much better job, wouldn't he?

I can't leave it like this, though. Not the way things are now... he wouldn't want this.

"The lillies are dying," I called softly, not knowing why. Not entirely, anyway.

Aerith whirled around, book in hand, eyes full of fear. When she saw it was me, a new kind of fear entered her gaze. "Wh-what?"

"In the garden," I added, taking a hesitant step towards her. "The roses are killing them. You said they would."

She clenched her eyes shut, turning away. "I did, yes. I said that."

"Aren't you going to save them?"

"No," she murmured, "It's too late. The roses are weak, but they can kill. It's best to leave them alone." She paused. "Isn't that what you told me?"

My throat constricted at the words, my own stupid, hasty words that hurt her then and were surely hurting her now. Taking a deep breath, I replied, "I don't know anything about flowers. Why ask me for advice?"

She shivered. "Even silence would have been enough. You didn't have to say anything. Remember? I told you that before."

"I remember," I said quietly. I remember the day you told me that. "But silence is like doing nothing. Silence... can kill." Even faster than your roses. Because silence... hurts more.

I heard her sharp intake of breath. After a moment, she let the book fall from her fingers and stood up.

"Silence could have saved him," she choked out. "If I hadn't told you about the reports - maybe if I'd done it myself-"

"No. No," I cut in, shaking my head. "If we'd told them what we were doing, we could have planned it better. I could have said no. Aerith, we can't keep silent. We can't.." I trailed off. We can't keep secrets, I wanted to say, but I held so many of my own, too many to share.

"I told Tifa," Aerith said softly. "Why Tifa, and not Zack? Were we so frightened by what he felt? He let me go, Cloud. He let me choose."

I nodded. "He always did. He... wanted to protect you. Us." I moved away, standing by the table beneath the winding staircase. My hand brushed along the rail; we'd found a compartment there, an empty file folder. A faint hope.

"I wish he could have protected himself instead."

I shook my head at that. "No. He would never have agreed with that."

"This sword will protect her."

Is that why you gave it to me in the end? Asked me to kill you with it?

To protect her?

And I couldn't do it.

She smiled faintly; it was brief, as brief as the sidelong glance we shared. "I know. But I never understood him, why he could care so much, after what I did. What I said."

I closed my eyes, pained, and sunk into one of the chairs. "He loved you. Blame love, if you have to blame something."

She laughed, quietly, bitterly; I'd never heard her laugh like that. "No," she responded after a pause, "I blame myself, because he went alone for my sake. So you could be with me. Even though he chose me... because he knew I'd chosen you."

The pain reappeared, burning my chest, flaring to life and holding tightly, until I felt like I was going to die from it. I rested my elbow on the table, burying my face in my hand.

Life is pain. I know that. Love is life. Someone said that once, didn't they?

So love is pain.

Is that your answer? a voice questioned within me.

I... don't know.

"Why?" I whispered. "Why is it me?"

I felt her touch my arm, squeezing my hand gently. "Because you had an honest smile."

My confusion must have been obvious on my expression, and she smiled faintly, moving to sit beside me. "Do you remember when you first saw me? You smiled at me. It looked like you'd really needed to, and... I don't know. Something in me wanted to see it again. Then you woke up later, and I kept seeing you, but never that smile..."

I never smiled. How could I smile? What was there to smile about?

I thought of Zack then, of the grin that was always on his face. The stupid grin, the one I hated. The one I missed more than anything.

Her fingers slowly twined themselves around mine. "Zack wasn't like that. He didn't hide his smile, but somehow it didn't seem real. I loved talking to him - he always made me laugh. He made me forget sometimes, too, and I'll always be thankful for that. But... whenever he left, all I could think about was your smile. It was you I wanted to see."

My mouth felt dry, and I had to swallow several times before I could speak. "I... I can't smile like that," I whispered. "Not like he did."

It wasn't really an answer, was it? I didn't see it as one... there were still too many questions. Like... why I wanted to smile, then...

"What's wrong with smiling?"

But for whatever reason, it was enough of an answer for her. She smiled instead, her eyes shining in the light of the sun through the windows, and said softly, "You don't have to be like him; I'd never ask that of you. Just so long as you really mean it when you smile. Don't lie to me, and don't ever force it for me."

"I won't," I answered, and it was the truth. Even for her, a forced smile was too much.

"And..." she hesitated, her gaze lowering again, "Just... smile when you want to, when you feel like it. Don't let the past ruin what you have here, Cloud. It's too much to lose..."

"You have to hold on to your friends..."

Tifa... she was right, wasn't she?

I closed my eyes. "... I won't."

I didn't know what the truth was anymore. But for her... it was enough.

She didn't speak again. Instead she leaned down, resting her head against my shoulder. I felt her silky hair brush against me shoulder, her hand gently squeezing mine. And even when a warm, slow wetness trickled down my arm, an occasional sniffle breaking the silence, I didn't move, didn't open my eyes, didn't touch her. I couldn't. I wasn't sure if I ever could.

But I stayed. I stayed with her for a long time, and at some point, the pain faded a little bit.

Those few moment of peace were the last we were able to enjoy together for a long time. A few hours later, news filtered through the castle and the city streets that had people - already angry and frightened and reaching the breaking point - so close to the edge of sanity or control that the future seemed terrifyingly uncertain.

Ansem was dead.

AN: I think I get more and more evil with each chapter. This is fun...

Okay, to be honest, I apologize. This was a chapter I really didn't want to write; some of you guys out there aren't the only ones who've gotten attached to Zack! Just... remember it's not over, ne? And sorry for any and all teasing (even if I did enjoy it a bit sometimes...) --hides--

Next chapter: Cloud's resigned to his fate as a leader. But can he handle what's coming without anyone to show him the way?

Reviewer Responses:

Koorino Megumi: I did, apparently. But you still love me for it, ne? Ne? --gives a Zacksicle and smiles--

link no miko: I hope your Winamp was nicer to you this time. It does that often, doesn't it...

Seishin Kibou: Hey, I never promised! :P And you have to feel some sympathy for poor Cloud. Five years with Hojo and I'd be feeling pretty sick too. And no, I haven't seen Zack in any AC previews but... I... would so love to... I'm so pathetic. Heh.

Lynn U: YAY for doing Aerith well! I was hoping for that, since I have a tendency to bash characters too easily outside of fics. I'd hate to think I let it slip into the storyline... oi... that would suck. But thank you for your approval - considering it came with such a detailed (and quite intelligible, thank you) reasoning I definitely appreciate it!

Rem-chan: OMG --bows and gibbers-- .... Um. Yeah, that was my basic reaction to you reading this fic. I'm gonna go over here now. --scurries away and goes back to her corner of squealage-- Just... um... don't let this fic make you lose sleep, ne? 'Cause that just sucks. Flattering, but even so... then again, I'm no better. --grins--