A Tormented

The small waves of the ocean washed onto shore, just touching the bottom of his feet. He seemed to glide, not walk, across the sand, his head hung low in despair. We had been friends for a few years now and often I had heard parts of his adventures, but I always heard about Farah; the love of his life, the one that was selfishly torn from him Time seemed to torture him, but he had at one time, been allies with the hourglass. So much regret.

I threw on my cloak and walked out to join him. We walked in silence for a few minutes until we reached the end of the beach. Not a soul for miles around. At the end of the beach there were large rocks that went out into the ocean and rested at the bottom of a high cliff. We sat up there for awhile, again in silence. His torment is what lead me to invite him to stay at my beach house, a place where he would be safe and where he could live out the rest of his days with what little peace he still had. Over the past couple of years we had become good friends.

Often he has told me of Farah, his lost love, a shadow in his lonesome memory. Yet, even after all the times he revealed his painful past, not once did he cry. He had a true hurt deep within, but he had done nothing to release it.

Sitting on those rocks I felt obligated to say or do something but I was able to restrain myself out of fear that trying to help would only cause him more turmoil. He placed his hand on my shoulder and gripped it firmly. He continued to stare out at the moonlit horizon of the ocean. I looked at his hand and after a brief moment I too stared out into the unknown. As his hand rested on my shoulder thoughts circulated through my mind. At that moment, I wanted him more than anything in the world, with more passion than I had ever felt. I found myself wondering what was going through his tormented mind. Undoubtedly he was thinking of Hidaka just as I was thinking of him. But what did these thoughts pertain too? He shifted so his whole body was facing my own. I mimicked him and there we were, sitting, staring at each other. My eyes with a hint of wonder and unknowingness of what was to come, his eyes filled with pain and anguish.

"I miss her so much, if only –" he tried to finish his sentence but the pressure was building up within him. "If only the sands could undo everything. I would never let her die again." And with that he bowed his head again. I turned a little bit more and gave him a compassionate hug. At first, he did nothing but sit there, but then he wrapped his arms around me; his strong, defined and engaging arms wrapped around my own form. He lightly squeezed but with a gentleness. I began to lose control of myself and proceeded to rub my hands up and down his strong back. Heat poured from his body and warmed me up in the breezy night. You could feel all of the definition in his back; he had the physic of a fighter, of a man with power. I moved my hands up to his shoulders and began to caress the broadness of his shoulders. He put his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed me back. I had screwed up. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." I hung my own head in regret. He placed his hand on my chin and lifted up my head, "I have held my head low for a long time, someone with your spirit should never bow their head. Don't worry about it." I smiled and we sat in silence for awhile longer. He began to think of Hidaka again. I was the first physical contact he had had since her death almost five years ago. He wished again that he had done more to prevent her death. I made remark this time.

"Hush, it's not your fault. Nothing can undo what has been done. You mourn those you loved and the regrets will hurt, but you need to let all of your emotions out. Hold nothing back, all it will do is hurt more." After those words I stopped and rose. He continued to sit there and look at the dirt on the particular rock we had been sitting on. He contemplated my words for a moment and I turned to walk away. Just as I was going to jump off, he called out,

"Wait. Don't leave." With those simple words he stood up and walked over to me. Just as he had done before, he placed his hand on my shoulder. This was the most affection he had ever shown to another human being since I had known him. Without warning he embraced me and began to cry heavily into my cloak. Finally, he was letting it all out. All those feelings came out, and they came out as tears. I hugged him back to give him reassurance that I was there for him. He finally settled down but kept his face buried in my shoulder. I put my hand on his cheek and lead his face up. We gazed into each others eyes. His were recovering from his cry and mine had sympathy and a hint of passion in them. He closed his eyes as if to hide his soul and I hugged him only for a moment. Once again, even in only an instant, his warmth overcame me and put me into another uncontrollable spell. I pulled back but it was too late, I was overtaken. My hand back on his face I saw his eyes were still closed. I leaned in and rested my lips on his cheek, lightly. He barely felt them there and then I moved to his lips. I gripped on and kissed him. Engaged in the moment I could feel him kiss me back. After a moments pass he took a step back in obvious shock. My eyes remained closed for a second and after I no longer felt the sweet nectar of his lips and of his kiss I opened them to see him standing there, panting, out of breath. I looked down again, ashamed of myself. I began to apologize profusely. No matter what I said, he just stood there. Eventually his breath returned to its normal pace. By this point I had sat down on the edge of the rock and was letting my legs freely swing. He sat down next to me and with a forgiving look he said with light humor,

"It's okay, any woman would have wanted to do that, I am a very attractive man." We both enjoyed a good laugh and everything was right again. That was the first time in two years I had heard him tell a joke. I felt we had made progress that night. We jumped down and joked the whole way back to the beach house. We went to our own rooms for the night and before we parted I looked into his eyes, they teared up again and I touched his face. Nothing happened this time and I just went into my room and him into his.

That night neither of us could sleep. All through the night I paced, wondering why I had been so stupid. Why I had caressed him, why I had kissed him. What had come over me that night? When he kissed back, was he kissing me, or Hidaka? Questions circulated in my torn head but I was truly concerned about him. What had my actions done to the poor man? My thoughts were occasionally interrupted when I would hear him sob. I wondered what was going through his mind, was it only Farah?

-

What happened? Why did I kiss Callia? How could I have betrayed Farah like that? I sat in my chambers as thoughts of Farah raced through my mind. Even though she was there, I couldn't help but think of how she wanted me. I knew it seemed arrogant but she had made it very apparent that she wanted me. When she had kissed me I kissed her back. I couldn't figure it out. But as I thought about her more, Hidaka began to leave my thoughts and became the less dominant thought. Did I really love as much as I thought I did? My confusion became intense. I finally turned in at around four. That night, my dreams were filled with both women and I had only one choice…

-

I finally fell asleep and only slept for four hours. I hadn't heard anything coming from his room and so I went over and knocked.

"Hey, are you awake? Alright?" I heard nothing and as I placed my hand on the doorknob. I slowly opened the door and it creaked. I called into the room, "Are you okay?" I opened the door and walked in. I went over to his bed. His pillow was tear stained. A breeze blew in from the south over the beach and in through his open balcony door. I walked over onto the balcony and a few birds that had been perched flew off. I saw him there, sitting on the stone bench turning over one piece of driftwood with another piece. I proceeded to go down and join him. We sat on the bench in silence. Thunder rolled off in the distance. We headed inside and I made us some lunch. For the bulk of the day we sat together in the main room, I leaned on him and he wrapped his arms around me. His warmth kept me comfortable and I fell asleep in his grasp. By the time I woke up it was late and I had found that he had made a dinner accompanied with wine. I smiled and joined him at the table.