Title: Half a World Away
Author: Katieelessar
Rating: G
Time Period: JA Obi-Wan is 18
Category: Angst/RomanceSummary: A little fic that immediately follows the events of Secrets of the Jedi. Obi-Wan/Siri angst.
Author's Note: Little ol' me decided to give some Obi/Siri angst a chance. This story immediately follows the first part in Secrets of the Jedi, right after Obi-Wan and Siri decide to forget about their love. Sappy and no Qui-Gon. :(
Disclaimers: Everything belongs to Lucas (except Siri, I think she belongs to Jude Watson but I'm not making any assumptions here!)
Half A World Away
She was gone.
Forever.
She was gone.
Forever.
The words rang true in my mind, like an unwelcoming thunder during a flood, an indication of more torrents of rain. I felt so cold, so lifeless, so alone. It was as if the very core of my body was being ripped out by a dark, evil hand reaching and squeezing every last drop of love within my heart.
She was gone.
It was as if she had died, over and over again. That her love for me vanished in a heartbeat and our hearts failed. A fool I was to think it would ever work, it could ever happen. I knew this day was coming. I dreaded it. Even before our pledge, I knew that falsehood would swarm around it like flies on dead. The love was pure but dead and only the presence of the flies were enough to put a stop to it.
It was the right thing to do. The right thing? I wondered. Was it really the right thing to do?
NO! My heart screamed. It was wrong, so very, very wrong. It beat against the iron chains that held it from destroying my weak resolve…
…But no avail. My mind was set. We made a pact. An oath. A promise. I would never look back, never regret the decision and let the pain pass in time.
But it was so hard! So terribly hard and why did it have to feel so wrong? Why did the alternative have no hope for me either? Why, why, why!
I felt the warm tears stream down my face but did not wipe them away. My heart was shattered it into million pieces with the hammer of loss. The wielder of that hammer was already gone and yet, within myself. I could have known this wielder better than anybody, the one person I would give anything for…anything…anything but this. I could not; I can't let her leave him like this. But how should she leave then? I wondered bitterly. There was no simple way to choose, but a choice had to be made and as hard and cruel as it was, the choice was made and set in stone.
But it didn't have to be! I cried to even as I turned away and sat down heavily on the bench. But how could it be? I shook his head, frustration boiling up inside of me. I don't know, I don't know!
'I Don't know…' I whispered. How could he make a decision like this? I had before, I reminded myself, leaving the Jedi to help save those in need, but even then, it seemed so much more obvious and right. I knew which path for me was the right one, and even though it had been a serious mistake, indeed the gravest mistake anyone of my life could take, the choice had been clearer than it was now.
I love her, I thought silently. I love her more than anything and I cannot allow her to simply slip out of my life as if nothing had happened. But that is what happened, she slipped like a handful of water out of his grasp. But was she as adamant about her decision as she had just sounded a few moments ago?
Of course not, Kenobi. She's just as heartbroken as you but she would not dare tell anyone. Right now, she is thinking of the same things, the same decisions, the same conclusions as you are. She loves you, she told you, shouldn't that be enough for you? No! I cried. It was not enough…but it had to be. I have to forget about the moments, the way I felt about her and bury the feelings for her deep into a corner of my mind that would be strong enough to keep them at bay.
'But not now, not now.' I whispered as my shoulders continued to shake. It hurts too much to lose her. Let me think about her, one more time before I must forget.
I sat there for a long hour, thinking, contemplating, trying to find a way past the rules, trying to come up with some way that I could still love her and hide it, each as unsuccessful as the other.
With a sigh I stood slowly, like an old animal emerging from a dusty cave after a long winter of thought, and made my way painfully back to his quarters. I barely saw the people I passed. The few who were awake at these hours noticed my red-rimmed eyes and tearstains on my pale skin but they choose not to say anything of it, leaving me to my solitude me alone. For once, their presence was no safeguard for me. It only doubled my loneliness that hallowed in my heart and I quickly found the route that would take me quickest back to my quarters.
When I slid the door open to the shared quarters of my master and I, I found the temperature was raised slightly, indicating that Qui-Gon was inside.
I couldn't face him now. I couldn't. He had offered me every word of advice I needed to hear. I couldn't bear to look into those eyes of pity and sadness right now. I needed to be left alone.
I stepped into the dimly lightened room and walked purposely to my room, not even glancing into the common room to see if he was there. I felt his presence but did not dare even to show I knew. I needed to be alone with my thoughts right now.
I burst into my room and slid the door shut before leaning my warm forehead against it. A great weariness descended upon me. I knew the simple truth and let it willingly enter my mind. It was over. Forever.
And suddenly, as if the sadness had come, the resolve inside myself overcame it with a blinding power and I felt fresh, whole. We had made the right decision. It was the logical choice to make. I let myself smiled lopsidedly. Siri would tease me to incredible lengths if she could hear me now.
Stop it. Let it go. You are a Jedi.
I breathed in deeply and slowly exhaled out.
Breathe in the bitterness, I meditated…feel it…let it out.
I felt the worry, guilt and pain slide away easily with each coming gulp of air. I love her…I breathed, I felt the overwhelming desire and then…let it out.
For more minutes I could count I finally found my center and my resolve and put my distress to rest. I knew Qui-Gon was helping me with this, not directly but his presence in the Force helped me slowly through the pain. I felt a warm wave of gratitude build within me and I sent the emotion over our bond.
/Thank you, Master./ I made my way to my sleep couch and sunk into it. The covers embraced me as I shook off my boots and peeled off my belt. The great weariness tugged at my eyelids and I pulled them shut.
/You are welcome, my Padawan./ The voice was gentle, coxing me towards sleep but not quick enough for me to imagine Siri's face hovering in my mind. I envisioned every curve, every strand of her blonde hair, every way light reflected from those cool blue eyes…everything…but this time, I did not feel it with regret but relief.
She would haunt me for long years to come, but at least, I would not alone in this suffering.
I was not love's only victim….
….But I would never be alone.
A/N: I don't know about you all, but I found Secrets of the Jedi very depressing and…unfulfilling. My poor Obi-Wan never got his girl. :( I love reviews, but please, no flames no matter how tempting they may be (and I know after reading something of mine, it is very tempting :)