Like a freeze-dried rose

You will never be

What you were

What you were to me,

Your memory

Jo just stood there. She couldn't believe that this was happening. She was in a state of shock. It should have been her there, but it wasn't. And so close to everything that PJ was looking forward to, especially the wedding.

She couldn't get over the sight of PJ lying in a coffin, and she just stood over him, sobbing, wishing she could hold him just once more, for just a little longer, feel his love and warmth once again. But he wasn't warm anymore. He would never be warm again, he would always be cold, lying in the hard and harsh ground.

"It shouldn't have turned out like this," she cried, "It should be me there honey, I wish it was me" she added as an afterthought. She shook and shook, absorbed in her own pain, tears dropping down, off her face and onto her blood stained clothes. She couldn't bear to take off the clothes, because that was the last connection she had to PJ, the only way she could be close to what he used to be, instead of being close to what he is now, just a corpse.

That was what it was, just a corpse, it wasn't even PJ anymore. It would never house PJ's spirit, would never be the home to his soul, the body would never again have a working heart or lungs or brain, all the things that make you alive and human. It would never hold love for her anymore either.

And the corpse was just lying there, and as Jo just stared at it, all the memories came flooding back. Jo could remember so little of it, but she kept on having flashbacks, and every time she had another flashback, she would remember one more tiny detail, like what he had smelt like, or what his lips had tasted like.

Eventually Jo had a full recollection of the accident, but she couldn't bear to think about it, and every time she saw it she shuddered more, got even colder, more tears fell down her face, and she always felt alone. She would always be alone from now on, because she knew that she could never be with someone else and feel like she once did for PJ, partly because she would never lose her love for him, but also because she couldn't ever imagine replacing him. No one could be as good as PJ was to her.

She stood there, over the coffin in her blood-stained clothes until Amy, who Jo guessed was PJ's replacement, came and told her to get some sleep.

How thoughtless, Jo thought, Amy was already there, and she was a detective, so Jo guessed that she was PJ's replacement of sorts.

At home it felt so empty, like the house could never be a home again. There would never be her one great true love waiting for her on the couch when she got home, and greeting her with a massive bear hug, or lying next to her in the bed, like a human hot water bottle. PJ could never make her a morning coffee again, just so she could wake up and function properly, or they could never shower together and start making out in the shower and finish it in the bed.

As Jo thought about all this, she just sank into the corner of the room, and sat there, shaking and shivering all night. She didn't worry about getting food from the kitchen, because she would remember PJ's smiling face like it used to greet her early in the morning. She didn't have a shower, because PJ was not there, and the shower all of a sudden just looked too big for one person, and she definitely did not change her clothes, because PJ could still be with her if she was still wearing them.

Then she burst into tears.

Jo didn't sleep all night, all she had were thoughts of PJ, and what he used to be. He was running around her mind all night, like as if he was still there, and was trying to imprint his footprints all over her mind, so he could be everywhere.

But even with that, Jo still felt empty, she still had an empty mind, without PJ to fill it with crazy thoughts, interesting information and amazing anecdotes. She still had an empty house, because Ben had left a month ago, and PJ thought they wouldn't need someone to move in with them, because they would always be together. The house still had PJ's spirit, sure, but he would never be there again. H e wouldn't inhabit it again.

But most of all, Joanna had an empty heart. And it would always be empty, never to be full again. She doubted whether she could ever love or trust anyone again. PJ had left her to fend for herself, she knew that, but he left her without a heart, without all those cherished memories that she could hold dear. Of course, she could still remember PJ, but her heart couldn't. It was like he had been gone for years already.

She just wished she could go back to before he went away, and make it all right again.