Disclaimer: For the record (cos i'm a flobberworm and forgot it in chapter 1) I'm not JK Rowling, thought that I'd just mention that. So I don't own any of the characters that you recognise.
Title: Just In Time To See My Heart Still Beating.
Author: Ygraine
Summery: Takes place during HBP, Tonks tells Remus something he doesn't really want to hear.
A/N: We see a different side to Remus in this chapter, which some people might find slightly disturbing or just depressing.
The wrath of Molly Weasley was not a pleasent one.
Normally it was directed at Fred and George, today it was Remus Lupin. He silently thanked Merlin that Fleur was there, because otherwise he would be getting all of the glarring. Harry also was getting a lot of attention from her as well, saying that the poor boy looked starved to death.
His thoughts went back to Tonks, they always did these past few days, it just seemed so unreal... she loved him.
There was nothing they could do about it though. She was a young thing, barely stepping out in the world. What did you know at that age, really?
Pain, loss, betrayal...
Not love, never love. No one ever loved you, loathesome little werewolf.
But she did... didn't that count for something? It shouldn't mean so much to him, but it meant everything at that moment. But he could never be with her.
Too old, too poor, too dangerous... He repeated it in his head like a mantra, he and Tonks could never be together, the end of the world or no. It tore his heart in two, he needed someone despreately...no, not someone, her.
"Gravy Remus?" It was Bill, passing him the gravy boat. He took it, in a trance like state and poured it over his mash potato, not really looking. He noticed that a couple of people looked at him funny, but he didn't care. Molly took the boat from him and placed it back down on the table. Again he didn't say anything. Hermione was staring, concearned, as he picked at his potato. She was a caring girl, she really was, Harry was lucky to a have a friend like that. Anyone was lucky to have a friend like that.
I had friends like that, James, Sirius, Peter...
Not anymore, they left you here to rot, wallow in self pity why don't you?...And now you've just told the woman who loves you to go away, the woman you love, could you be any more pathetic, any more stupid?
I don't love her.
He repeated it along with his mantra round and round in his head, firmly. I don't love her
Oh! When would the guilt stop! She deserved so much more than poor pathetic Remus Lupin, whose friends would rather die than spend another day with him. He knew this wasn't true but he thought it all the same. What did she see in him? What did he fail to see in himself? It was gut renching, something was tearing him apart inside, and he didn't know what to do except run out of the Burrow and hunt Nymphadora down and kiss her like she'd never been kissed before...
No! He couldn't do that, he'd hurt her in the end. The wolf inside, that was ever present telling him horrid things about himself. But deep down he knew most of them to be true already.
"How's Tonks?" He heard Harry say faintly. "She looked awfully depressed when I got here..."
"Yes" Molly muttered, shooting a glare at Remus. "Tonks is feeling a little down at the moment..."
Oh Molly stop it, I feel guilty enough as it is.
Finally he managed to finish his dinner, and he sat down on the grass in the Weasleys garden, he could clearly see Molly spying on him. His face in his hands, he tried desperately not to think about Tonks, but nothing else came to mind. A gnome out for a late nice feast glared at him. Even her gnomes hate me...he thought sullenly. Every time he closed his eyes all he saw was Tonks staring at him with tear filled eyes; "Remus, I think I love you."
He shook his head to get the thoughts out, but they refused to go, that kiss, if only for a moment...it had been years since any one had kissed him like that, and he longed for it again, just to taste her, to hold her, to breathe her in, if only for a moment.
You can't...you know that.
I know.
You'd just end up hurting her, and Merlin does she deserve better than a werewolf for a lover.
I know
He took a deep breath of the summer air, even though he knew these things, they still hurt. He sqeezed his eyes shut and he felt a tear seep down and fall down his cheek.
"Professor?"
He wiped his face clean and turned, there was Hermione, standing there and a light smile on her face. "Remus."
"Pardon?"
"I'm not your teacher any more Hermione, my name's Remus."
She smiled and walked futher into the garden. "Are you alright?"
He swallowed. "Yes, I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" Outright liar!
"Oh it's just you looked a little distant, I was merely concerned." He smiled lightly at her, she came and sat down next to him. "What have you been up to recently?"
Just tearing up a young womans heart.
"Oh, nothing much. Yourself?"
She talked for a while about the summer, the mere week she'd spent with her parents, before she was back here. "I told them that I would be safer here..." How she was slightly disappointed in her 'E' in Defense, and how Harry had got an 'O' and how she knew she could have done better if he'd taught them in their final O.W.L year instead of that awful woman. "She was so biased, and refused to even begin to imagine that Voldemort might be back, well, who's laughing now." She muttered darkly.
He looked at his watch, it was getting late. I really must be off now Hermione, will you tell the others bye for me?" she nodded and Remus jumped over the garden wall (he'd have to speak to them about that, easier for some one to get in) and Apperated to his home in Yorkshire.
As soon as he got there he curled up in his nice warm (well, as warm as he could afford) bed and did something very unmanly.
He cried.
Cried about his friends, loosing James, Peter, Sirius, gaining Siruis only to loose him again. Cried about being the only one left, the only Marauder. Cried how they once thought they were invincible but how they were really cursed from the beginning. Cried, because when he closed his eyes the only thing he saw was Nymphadora Tonks' eyes, tear full, full of hope and love and how he destroyed her. Cried that he would never feel her soft loving lips on his again. Cried that there was some one out there who loved him, when he couldn't even love himself.
His cheeks stung, and he could taste the salty tears when they fell onto his lips.
He wondered briefly whether Tonks was feeling as bad as he was. Probably worse, his heart tore open again with guilt and he wailed softly into his pillow at the thought that he could never be with her. I don't love her, I don't love her. How could he do this to himself, how could he do this to her?
You have to, you can't be with her, if you care about her, break her heart, but let her move on, let her be loved by a man who could bring her happiness, lavish her with gifts and love that a wonderous woman like her deserves. You don't deserve her, no one deserves you, you know this. Stop falling into delusions that you can be loved, all you do is hurt them, get them killed.
That's not true!
Yes it is, even so, you're far too old for her, how old are you? Thirty-six? You look a hundred years old. You can't provide for her, she'll live in squalor with you, with nothing than cabbage soup to eat...
Again he wailed into his pillow. Why was the wolf being like this? It was two weeks until the full moon.
This isn't the wolf, it's yourself. Self loathing.
I don't love her, I don't love her, I don't love her...
But he did. By Merlin he did, loved her so much it hurt. But he could never be with her.
He did the only thing he could do.
He cried into his pillow, like the pathetic little man he was.
TBC
A/N: Continued due to popular support, but i have a feeling that your not going to like that chapter. But it had to be done, and I wanted it early on so it fitted. Please please please review! I'll love you forever!
Thank you to every one who reviewed! I loved them all! And as someone mentioned, I do need a beta, i don't have word and i'm writing this in wordpad, with no spell check! Argh! Any volunteers?