Disclaimer: For the record, I'm not JK Rowling, thought that I'd just mention that. So I don't own any of the characters that you recognise.

Title: Just In Time To See My Heart Still Beating.

Author: Ygraine

Summery: Takes place during HBP, Tonks tells Remus something he doesn't really want to hear.

Chapter 3: Tonk's point of view on the whole situation at hand :)

Nymphadora Tonks was not a happy girl...

Woman, she reminded herself. If Remus was going to see himself as too old for her, she needed to be mature about herself, and the first step of that was recognising herself as a woman, not a girl. But as she looked out her window at the October rain she could feel the tears come. Today brought yet another unsuccessfulattempt at winning Remus Lupin's heart. He barely even looked at her, he said that he wanted to remain friends, but by the looks of things he was merely repeating what people had told him.

There was a knock on her bedroom door and her mother walked in with a tea tray. Tonks' stomach fell, still living at home...what a way to impress him with maturity.

There's a war going on, mum wanted me close that's all...

But she knew that she had to leave, it wasn't right for a twenty-three year old to be at home still, but she couldn't move out now. Her mother was having kittens about her safety, especially after what happened to Sirius...

"I thought that you might like a sandwich Nymphadora."

Tonks gave a small smile and her mother put the tray on the desk and left again, and Tonks' thoughts went back to Remus. She loved him, she knew she did. Well if this was love, then she didn't want to be in love. It just hurt too much.

She brought her knees up so that they nestled under her chin. She was sitting on her bed, feeling tears spill down her cheeks. Why didn't he want her? Was it the way she looked? Did he not find her attractive? No, Remus wasn't shallow. She wiped her eyes, and tried morphing again, again, nothing. Even her hair remained the same lank colour as it was before.

Furrowing her eyebrows she studied herself in the mirror by her bed more closely, trying to look past all the Weird Sister stickers put their in her youth. She didn't remember her hair ever being that colour. No...It was darker than that naturally, she was sure... Lightly, she ran her fingers through it; it was a different texture than hair normally was, like stroking a long haired dog almost...

She snatched her hand away, like her hair had stung her, and bit her lip slightly. Was that even possible? Metamorphmagi transformationsweren't like Anamagi or even werewolf transformations. Could she really be becoming like Remus in a way? Her hair colour was the same colour as Remus's as well, and she guessed it stayed that colour in his wolf form. This was not good. Had anyone else noticed? Molly knew the situation in itsentirety, but as far as she knew that was it, apart from Remus of course...

But that comment that Snape had made. It was true, her Patronus had changed into a wolf, and Remuswas her protector, in her heart body and soul. Oh Merlin, she needed him. She wailed again, rather loudly at that because her mother came in.

"What's wrong, are you hurt?" Then she saw her daughter weeping. "Oh 'Dora, honey bunch..." She sat next to her on the bed, and wrapped her arms around her, Tonks replied to the embrace. "What on earth's wrong?"

"He doesn't love me!" She wailed. She sounded just like a little girl…

"Who?"

"Remus..."

"Lupin? The werewolf who taught at Hogwarts a few years ago?" Tonks nodded, her mothers blouse getting wet with tears. "What about him, what do you mean, he doesn't love you?"

She sniffed, "I love him, and I told him, and he said that he's too old for me..."

"Well...he must be pressing on forty..."

"He's only thirty-six mother!" She snapped harshly in his defence,pressing a fierce glance at her mother.

"Okay, but he is a werewolf..."

"What?" Her mother was against werewolves? She'd thought better from her...

"Oh, honey, I'm not a bigot...I don't care that he's a werewolf. I'm sure he's lovely; he must be if he's found a special place in your heart. But there are safety aspects to think about...as well as other things."

Tonks looked up again, glaring and pouting, "What other things?" She asked slowly...

"Well..." Andromeda repositioned herself,"I've heard...things. Werewolves generally have extremely low self confidence, self loathing in fact. He might not feel that he deserves you, it's rather complicated dear, and he probably thinks that you won't understand, and you probably don't..."

"You're meant to be making me feel better mother!" Tonks snapped.

"I'm trying to Petal, but these things aren't easy, I'm sure he cares for you greatly, but it must be complicated and confusing for the poor man. Maybe you should just walk away."

Walk away? How could mum think like that Tonks thought I love him, and I need him... "No..." She whispered pathetically. "I can't, don't you understand me? I'm not a child anymore." She stood up, and decided that this was the best place to say it. "I'm a woman, and I know how I feel, and I love him!"

Much to Tonks' surprise, her mother smiled. "How much do you need him 'Dora?"

She swallowed and went onto her knees on the carpeted floor. "He's up there with oxygen." she whispered.

"Then get him."

x

It took another three weeks before she saw Remus at another Ordermeeting; his mission with the werewolves meant that he couldn't attend meetings all that regularly and she was always at Hogwarts these days any way. But as soon as she saw him, her heart leapt into her mouth and her stomach did a little flip, and when he gave his report, she couldn't help but close her eyes and listen to his voice – rather hoarse as always, but Tonks loved it – along with every thing else about him. Even the wolf part(although she wouldn't really want to come across it).

He was talking about what he had learned from the werewolves, but she wasn't actually listening to the words, just him. She did pick up the odd thing however, like Greyback...hiding...Voldemort and living conditions, but truth be told she didn't really care, all that mattered was that her Remus was safe and unharmed. But reality took hold when she thought that they really needed the werewolves on their side, if Voldemort did get the werewolves fighting for him, Tonks shivered at the mere thought of it...with Greyback leading them...

Of course, she knewthat a lot ofWerewolves were like her Remus and just wanted to be accepted. Well maybe not like her Remus, because he was rather unique in his loveliness...no what she meant was his beliefs and ways. But she couldn't deny either that some werewolves did think differently, wasn't it Greyback who bit Remus? Suddenly Tonks loved Remus even more when she thought that he was having to look at Greyback every day...the man who created his hell...how did Remus do that? Tonks would have snapped and killed him (or maimed perhaps) long ago.

Oh my Remus...

"What?" Suddenly she realised that people were talking to her, and asking her questions, oh Merlin, come back to earth Tonks! "The security at Hogwarts?" Arthur asked (Dumbledore was away doing...Order stuff...)

"Um...it's fine, everything things fine..." She smiled...fake...and caught Molly's eye, who looked worried, but smiled all the same...

After the meeting, she caught Remus trying to run out the door. She grabbed his wrist, and he flinched visibly and Tonks wailed inside.

"Remus, have you..."

"No Nymphadora, the answers..."

"Tonks, Remus...I...please, just think about it some more. For me."

"I have thought about it...lots...I..." He sighed, and was it just her or did she see darkness, lonelinessin his eyes? She must have imaginedit because it was gone when he spoke again. "I can't put you through the pain it would cause being in a relationship with me, I'm sorry Tonks, my answer's no..."

You would make a wonderful father, Rem... She thought to herself, feeling slightly delusionalBrilliant discipline.

"Excuse me?" He asked, laughing slightly

Oh...she cursed in her mind, she hadn't realised that she had spoken aloud. "I..."

But to Tonks' amazement he stepped forward, a smile on his face. "You really think so?"

She couldn't form words...she couldn't move, he was coming closer...she just nodded dumbly. Closer, closer...and stopped.

No! she screamed mentally. This time she knew she hadn't spoken, because she still couldn't form words. He was frozen, biting his lip, pondering, in a very Remus-like way.

"I can't." He said suddenly. "It's not that I don't want to...I just, can't. You have to trust me, you'll be happier in the long run. I'll just cause you pain if we...I can't do that."

"No.." She whispered, tears falling freely. "Remus, please..." She placed her hands on his chest, and felt his heart beating rapidly... "Please, I can't bare the thought of a life without you. I love you, surely..." She swallowed. "Surely their must be something...just something in here" She patted his heart. "That tells you that you can be with me, you can love me, you can..." He couldn't even say the rest. "Please..." Pathetic, she was, really, a stupid little girl...

"There is." Remus muttered, and Tonks' heart lifted. "But I'm not thinking with this." he said, hand clasped round hers, still placed on his chest. "I'm thinking with this." He patted his head, and gave a small smile. "I'm sorry, I truly am."

And with that, he let her go and walked out the door, out of her life.

Maybe forever.

A/N: Oh My God. The word Busy has no meaning here! It's crazy, I've just started College and...work galour. Oh, and congrats to my new Beta Maybelline1802, all Hail her! Thanks!

Oh btw, REVIEW!