Author's Notes: Okay, before anything else… this is an AC fic. Well, it's just that somebody asked me if it's an AK fic… (sheepish smile) Sorry, but, (ahehehe) I'm not exactly fond of shonen-ai or yaoi fics… Okay! Now that we got that all cleared up… On with the fic! And Arthur Trine is the fukuchou or the executive officer of the Minerva. But for this parody, he will be Athrun's assistant. I chose him because he fitted the role.
Wow, I am updating regularly, am I not? Haha! This is a first! Thanks to the reviewers! Here's a nice, long chapter for all of you!
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Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam SEED nor the story of the Prince/Princess and the Pauper.
Chapter Four – Something Fishy Going On
Kira could feel his face heat up. It was those damn shoes! The heels were so friggin' high! He quickly stood up and gave an uncertain smile. "Oh my!" he said in a high-pitched voice. He winced inwardly at how sissy his voice sounded. He gave an awkward laugh. "Well, at least we're sure that the floor is clean!"
The King looked horrified but quickly masked it with booming -fake- laughter. "Ah! Cagalli! You always make the funniest jokes!" Kira noticed that there was a blond man standing next to the King. He could swear that the man's eyes (even though they were hidden by a funny-looking mask) were following his every move, which he found slightly unnerving. It did not help that the masked man's mouth was hanging quite openly.
Lacus gave him an assuring pat on the back and he forced a smile on his face. He vaguely wondered where Cagalli's fiancé was. He didn't have to wait long for the answer. The green-haired man standing next to a blue-haired sentry gave him a forced smile.
"Good day to you, er, Princess Cagalli. The King could not come today because of some personal reasons. And you were – er – late, so to speak, so we propose the meeting to be postponed until tomorrow, if that is all right with you."
Kira stared blankly at the man until Lacus gently nudged him. "Oh! Oh, that would be quite all right. I look forward to it then!" Kira silently prayed that Cagalli would return somewhere within the next 24 hours.
The green-haired man exchanged a few words with King Uzumi then bowed. The blue-haired bodyguard gave him a small smile and then they exited the throne room with Kisaka in tow.
"My God! Cagalli! Where on earth have you been?" the King asked him. He honestly didn't know what to tell him. Thankfully, Lacus was beside him. "It's a good thing that your fiancé was mysteriously absent! Even so, we were this close from losing our rich benefactor!"
Kira opened his mouth and closed it quickly. What the heck was he supposed to answer again? He flashed Lacus a slightly panicked look. Lacus caught on quick.
"If I may speak Your Majesty?" Lacus began tentatively. The King riveted his attention to her and gave her a tired nod. "Well, the Princess was having – er – pre-wedding jitters. She just wanted to look her best and well -"
The masked man interrupted Lacus, "Is that it? Erm, are you sure that that is all?"
Kira got the surprise of his life when Lacus actually -narrowed- her eyes at the masked man! Lacus, who wasn't -supposed- to even possess a single, suspicious bone in her body, was eyeing the masked man apprehensively.
Kira finally decided to speak up. It would look thoroughly suspicious if he just stood there and let Lacus do the talking. The -real- Cagalli, based on what he saw, didn't let anyone do the talking for her. "Well, that is the main reason," he answered in a fake hoarse voice to mask his own. "That and, well, I have a soar throat."
"It seemed pretty fine to me a while ago," the masked man sneered.
Kira felt a lump form in his throat.
Lacus gave the masked man a sweet smile. "Well, Mr. Le Creuset. It was obvious that Princess Cagalli was trying so hard to sound normal so that our visitors would not notice."
It was a battle of wills. With the masked man sneering and Lacus smiling sweetly, none seemed willing to back down. For Kira, it was a weird glaring match.
For King Uzumi, however, it was time for his beloved 'daughter' to rest. "Well, honey, why don't you rest for now? You have a big day tomorrow."
Kira, a bit disconcerted at the fact that he was called 'honey' by a complete stranger, only managed a weak smile.
As Lacus was leading Kira to the princess' chambers, she couldn't help but think about Rau's sneer. 'There's something fishy, something not right, about that sneer…' But who was she kidding? Anything that comes from Rau Le Creuset screams of something fishy! Maybe he had something to do with Cagalli's disappearance? Rau looked as white as her bed sheets when he saw Kira dressed as Cagalli. And it seemed like she was the only one that noticed! It looked like she was the only one whom Cagalli can count on.
She heard the person by her side struggling to walk in those ridiculously-high high heels. Well, her and Kira, at least. She was extremely thankful that Kira came when he did. It seemed like, destiny or something. Without him, she didn't know what would happen to Cagalli's wedding and Orb, in general.
She still couldn't believe that Kira had agreed to pretend to be Cagalli. And what's more, wear those high heels! Even Cagalli wouldn't wear those! She thought that it would just rot away in the princess' closet. At first, Lacus had asked Kira as a joke, she hadn't expected that he'd take it seriously.
At the thought of Kira, Lacus giggled.
Kira flashed her a confused grin. "Eh… something wrong, Lacus?"
Lacus waved a hand nonchalantly. "Oh, no, nothing's wrong."
"Well, if you say so," Kira gave her an uncertain smile. "So, um, may I change into something comfortable now that we're in front of Cagalli's room?"
Lacus turned her attention to the oak door that Kira was pointing at. "Oh! We're here!" she gave Kira a sheepish smile. "Sorry about that. I didn't notice. Of course, you can. And make it quick, I have to tell you something very important!"
Kira nodded earnestly and proceeded to the huge bathroom at the left side of the room. Lacus, on the other hand, closed and locked the door. After that, she settled on one of the armchairs in the room and waited for Kira to come out. After a few minutes, Kira came out of the bathroom, dressed in his normal clothes, and with a relieved expression on his face.
Once again, Lacus found herself awestruck at how…handsome Kira looked. His face was very gentle and not too overpowering. He was muscled, but in an understated way. And his eyes, she loved looking at them. All too suddenly, she felt her face heat up. 'God, who am I kidding? I like him!' she thought giddily. But she shook her head, 'No, this is wrong! I should be worrying about Cagalli! I'll worry about my love life -after- this whole affair is over!'
"Er, Lacus? Is everything alright? I thought you had something to tell me?" Kira asked tentatively. He sat at the armchair across from Lacus.
"Oh! Yes!" Lacus blurted out. 'What was I going to tell him again?' A sneering man flashed in her mind's eye and she narrowed her eyes at the thought. 'Rau Le Creuset!' Seeing the curious look on Kira's face, she decided to plunge in. "Do you remember the blond masked man in the lobby?"
"How could I forget?" Kira muttered dryly. "He was looking at me like I was a piece of meat…"
Lacus raised an eyebrow at that. "You can see his eyes through the mask?"
"Um, well, I was speaking figuratively. I suppose I should've said that I -felt- him looking at me."
Lacus gave him a wry smile. "Usually, the first thing that people notice in him is his sneer…"
"And his funny-looking mask," Kira finished for her.
"Well, that, too," Lacus giggled. "Anyway, I think he has something to do with Cagalli's disappearance. I'm still not sure; I have to find concrete evidence."
"Aside from his suspicious sneers?" Kira mumbled.
"So, I'm going to have to leave you here for awhile. I have to go do some investigating!" Lacus explained. She wasn't sure if Kira would agree with her plans. Aside from having to dress up like a girl, leaving him alone to fend for himself seemed too much. She unconsciously bit her lip anxiously.
Kira's eyes widened at the realization. "Er, what about you? Won't it be too dangerous?"
Lacus blinked at that. She hadn't expected that answer. She was anticipating somewhere along the lines of, 'Are you nuts, lady? The hell I will!' But it seemed that she was very wrong. Instead of that, he was being incredibly nice by worrying over her. He was just too sweet for words. "You don't have to worry about me, Kira. I'll just snoop around. You should worry about yourself. We need to prepare for your -real- meeting with Cagalli's royal fiancé!"
Kira gave her an uncertain smile. "Oh. -That-. Can't I come with you and, you know, keep you safe while you snoop around?"
Lacus mock glared at him. "I wouldn't want to endanger the Princess' life! It is the job of us lowly servants to ensure her safety! How could I even ask her to accompany me on such a dangerous mission?"
Kira pouted cutely. "I'm -not- a princess."
Lacus laughed at that. "You're starting to sound too much like Cagalli!"
Yzak rolled his eyes. And suddenly, totally unexpectedly, he felt the room spin. What in the blue hell was happening to him? He gripped the edge of the table for support.
"You got dizzy?" Dearka asked nonchalantly. Without waiting for a reply, he snorted. "Well, what did you expect? You've been rolling your eyes in exasperation for over five minutes!"
Yzak tried to glare at his so-called friend but he stopped himself. 'First, close eyes. Then, take a deep breath,' he instructed himself mentally. After composing himself, he flashed Dearka the nastiest glare that he could muster. "If you don't shut her up, I'll shut her up -for good-!"
The Princess kicked her right foot violently and a shoe came loose, hitting Dearka on the head. Dearka threw her an exasperated look, along with the shoe. Then he continued his bickering with Yzak. Cagalli visibly seethed at having been ignored and having her shoe thrown back at her (missing her by mere inches), but the two men were too caught up in their bickering to notice.
"It's your shift! Why do I need to do that?" Dearka complained. "You just bullied me into accompanying you since you're too scared!"
"Am not!"
"Are, too!"
Yzak opened his mouth to answer when he caught himself just in time. He wasn't a freakin' child! It was so like Dearka to cook up things like these. "I take it you're expecting me to say, 'Am not!'?"
Dearka grinned. "You just did."
Yzak cursed. "Would you cease this stupidity immediately? It's bad enough that I need to guard this royal pain-in-the-ass without you adding to the mix!"
"Then why don't you send me upstairs!"
"And suffer alone? Hah! It's your fault that you didn't tie up her feet!"
"Why you…! You were the one in charge of that body part!"
Yzak was about to put that certain body part on Dearka's stomach when they heard the front door slam open. He turned puzzled eyes at the blond boy. "I thought that Nicol wouldn't be home until tomorrow?"
Dearka shrugged and turned to go upstairs, Yzak following closely. They tiptoed silently and were shocked when light flooded the room. "Hello." The newcomer greeted in an eerie voice. He then stepped out of the shadows and sneered. It was their boss, Rau Le Creuset.
"Cripes! You scared us!" Yzak exclaimed.
Dearka nodded in agreement as he clutched his chest. His heart was hammering wildly in his ribcage.
"You'd be even more surprised by what I'm going to tell you," Rau said with an eerie sneer on his face. "Guess who I met in the palace today?"
"The rich King that the princess is supposed to marry," Yzak answered matter-of-factly.
Rau sneered. "Guess again," he said in a mock sing-song voice.
"Erm, the tooth fairy?" Dearka asked.
Two pairs of eyes riveted to his face. "I'll pretend you didn't say that," Yzak said matter-of-factly.
Rau gave an impatient sigh. "Well, seeing as the art of sarcasm is lost on you, I will just tell you morons without further ado that I saw her royal Hiney-ness, Princess Cagalli Yula Athha of Orb at the palace today, looking as boyish and -not kidnapped- as ever! I thought she was here with you!" he seethed.
"She was! I mean, she -is- here with us!" Yzak retorted defensively. "You can even see for yourself!"
"I told you she shouldn't see me or know of my involvement in these plans! How could I claim the glory of 'saving' her?" Rau asked, frustrated.
"I assure you, though, the little she-devil's right there."
"Okay, so who's the chick that the pink tutor brought?" Rau wondered out loud. It looked terribly like the Princess. But it was also puzzling that she didn't say anything about being kidnapped. She was an impostor, alright, and he, Rau Le Creuset, would make sure that her true identity would be revealed! But how? By showing the true Princess? It wasn't yet time… 'Come on brilliant mind, think!'
"Chick? Pink tutor? What the hell are you blathering about?" Yzak narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Everything that came from Rau after all screamed of something fishy. "Anyway, what are we going to the blonde brat downstairs?" Yzak asked.
"Feed her! And don't let her get out of your sight! I'll come by again tomorrow to check up on you morons. Now remember all that I have told you, alright?" Rau reminded them as he got his coat from the coat rack. He sneered one last time and then he was gone.
"What was that all about?" Dearka voiced out.
Yzak shrugged. "Beats me."
'This is the life…' Kira thought happily. Lacus had left him and he was freer to do as he pleased. Now don't get him wrong, he -was- worried about her and Cagalli but this was the first time that he'd set foot in a place as expensive as this. He couldn't help himself. All his life, poverty has always stood in the way of his dreams. He just wanted to experience how the other side lived, even for just a day.
He plopped on the queen-sized bed and marveled at how soft it felt. He fought the urge to jump up and down on it. As he lay on the bed, he thought about how lucky Cagalli is. Or rather, how -unlucky-. Sure, she had everything, but along with it came the responsibilities. She was to be married to someone she hadn't even -met-. He couldn't imagine that ever happening to him.
His eyes widened upon remembering what awaited him tomorrow. He abruptly sat up and groaned. He was going to meet Cagalli's fiancé! The rich King! He couldn't bear to think of the possible things that might happen tomorrow. He glared at the high heels piled innocently near the bathroom. At least, that was one thing he wouldn't have to think of. He swore that he would never, ever, ever in his life wear those again.
His thoughts drifted to Lacus and he sighed blissfully. After this whole event is over, he had made up his mind to finally ask Lacus out. He just couldn't give up on her because of his shyness! He was getting himself a backbone!
Satisfied at that, he drifted off to sleep filled with dreams about a certain pink-haired tutor.
Cagalli was -beyond- royally pissed. First, they thought she was a -boy-. Then, they let her inhale some nasty stuff that made her head spin (she heard the blond guy say that it was 'Yzak's' socks, but she was too mortified to think about it). Then, they tied her up in the middle of a smelly basement. And if that wasn't enough, they started calling her names! She had a name, for god's sake! And it started with a 'P' for Pissed-off Cagalli Yula Athha of Orb!
Fortunately for them and unfortunately for her, her arms were tied tightly that she felt her hands were turning blue. Plus, she was gagged. She could very well take being tied up but being gagged! That was very inhumane! How could she talk (and curse) with her mouth gagged like that? Fortunately for her and unfortunately for them, they forgot to tie up her feet. So she settled on kicking them to oblivion the moment they got near her.
She had no idea who would dare do this to her. The three guys who kidnapped her were surely just minions. How could they think of such a plan? It was obvious they were morons! Either way, she had to get out of there! What would her father think? And the engagement?
She groaned at the thought. She was supposed to meet her fiancé that day. Was it day or night? Being cooped up in this place where the sun never seemed to shine made her body clock go haywire. Her father would have a fit! What would happen to Orb? They needed that marriage to assure the alliance of the two kingdoms, in order to pay Orb's debts.
She roamed the room with her eyes as she thought of a plan to escape. The only way out was the stairs that led to the first floor landing as there were no windows. Her thoughts were interrupted when the two boys came down. She snorted, or at least tried to. They were idiots! They even let her see their faces. Any good kidnapper would never dare to show their faces to their victims. They were talking quite animatedly about some place called Timbuktu.
She glared at them hoping that the phrase, 'if looks could kill' would come true for just a god-given minute. And then it hit her, the plan that is. She forced her vocal chords to let out a believable, helpless and -feminine- whimper.
The silver-haired boy paused from talking and smirked at her. "So, you -are- a girl after all."
Her blood boiled at that statement but she forced herself to remain calm in order for her plan to work. She gave them each a distressed look and mumbled pitifully on her gag.
The blond boy raised an eyebrow at her. "Yzak, I think she's trying to tell us something."
The silver-haired boy, Yzak, snorted at that. "Well, duh? She's been trying to tell us something ever since she woke up! Probably something along the lines of, 'You f(bleep)ers. Get me the hell out of here!'"
Cagalli had to admit that he was right but now was not the time. She shook her head vehemently and continued whimpering. Dearka flashed her a concerned look. 'Well, at least this one seems thick enough to believe my acting skills,' she thought dryly.
"Why don't we remove the gag for a moment to ask what is it that she wants?" Dearka suggested.
Yzak snorted. "And have her screaming at the top of her lungs? No way in hell!"
Cagalli continued making noises in the hopes of irritating Yzak. Why won't he listen for even a freaking second to his comrade? This plan was turning out to be more frustrating for her!
Yzak shot her a death glare. "Will you shut the f(bleep)k up! I can't think straight with all the noise that you're producing!"
Cagalli ignored him happily and continued making whimpering noises as loud as her gag would allow. Well, even if her plan did not work, seeing the silver-haired kid as frustrated as she was feeling would be worth it, anyway.
"Alright, already! Just take the freaking gag off her for a few goddamn seconds! If she screams, I'm stuffing my sock on her mouth again! Just make her shut up!" Yzak exclaimed angrily.
Dearka grinned, but after catching sight of Cagalli's unbound feet, quickly wiped the smirk off his face. "-I'm- going to untie her?" he said weakly.
"Argh!" Yzak threw up his hands in frustration and stomped upstairs.
Dearka shot Cagalli a wary look. "Now, I'm going to take off your gag, but you must promise me that you will stay quiet -and- that you won't kick me. Deal?"
Cagalli smiled through the gag and nodded her head fervently. Dearka approached her cautiously and poked her once. Twice. Thrice. She glared at him. Dearka laughed nervously and proceeded to remove the gag. Then he immediately backed four feet away from Cagalli.
"There, that's better," Cagalli said, her voice hoarse from not being able to talk for hours. She moved her jaw to stretch her sore facial muscles. "I just want to tell you that I need to go to the bathroom."
"Now?"
"Now."
"Oh, okay," Dearka said, moving forward to untie her. "You should've just told me sooner! What if you'd peed in your pants? That would mean more work for me!"
Cagalli rolled her eyes. Talk about stupidity. "Look, can you just speed up and let me do whatever I have to do?"
Cagalli fought the urge to squeal in delight; her plan was finally moving forward! Just a little more…she could almost taste her freedom. Dearka led her to the bathroom and stood there, holding the door. She tried to close it but he had a firm grip on it. She glared at him and tried to pull it again, to no avail. Dearka grinned maliciously at her. "You know, our boss said to never let you out of our sight. Not even for a nanosecond."
She rolled her eyes. "I'm going to pee, you pervert, and if you don't remove your hands, I'll just slam the door on them. Or would you prefer a kick to a place in your pants where the sun doesn't shine?"
Dearka winced, remembering the look of pain in Nicol's face. "I-I was just kidding, you know." Then he removed his hands from the door and more than willingly closed it, to put some barrier between his groin and the tomboyish princess' legs.
Cagalli smiled in relief. Now to put her plan to action. As she expected, there was a window on the wall behind the toilet bowl. And it looked like she would just be able to squeeze in it. She locked the door behind her and immediately set to action.
After a lot of squeezing, struggling, muffled cursing and huffing…
FREEDOM!
Next Chapter: Will Kira ever get the chance to jump up and down on Cagalli's bed? What is Lacus up to? What is Rau up to? Will Cagalli reach the palace in time just as Kira had hoped? And where the heck is that freakin' rich King? Watch out for this in the next chapter of, 'The Princess and the Pauper!'
Author's Notes: Wow, this has got to be the longest chapter yet! I'm so very sorry that the rich King is nowhere to be found! But next chapter, he will definitely be there! He and Kira will finally meet! And forgive me if this story is getting quite long. It's supposed to be finished by now…after all, parodies are supposed to be like that. Short and funny. But I don't know what happened! This story has a life of its own! It's writing itself! Gyaah! Frankenstein's monster!
Thanks for all the nice reviews! To: kaurama-kasuki (yes, I updated, finally! And thanks for the kind words!), kandida (glad you liked that part!), Aries Stephastone (just a clarification, it's a shame but, it was Nicol who got kicked by Cagalli… anyway, that would be a very plausible version of a curse from Kira), jenniferseedlover (hmm, I'm not sure yet, but I don't think they'll be siblings in this fic), MyouseiSeed (I think so, too! Thanks for reading my fics! I really appreciate that you take the time to read it!), TotalAnimeGirl (Glad you liked the bonus, here's another one!), cottoncandy411 (here's an update! Thanks!), Cagalli Yula Athha Fangirl (thanks for the info! Long reviews like yours are highly appreciated! Thank you very much! By the way, are you Japanese?), KariHP (er…as I said, I'm not a huge fan of shonen-ai or yaoi for that matter… thanks for reading my fic, anyway!), IYGU (like I said, Arthur Trine is the executive officer of the Minerva. Here's another round of bloopers! Thanks for reading this!), pup1995 (Here's an update! Thanks for reading this!)
Bonus: Well, even if only a few asked for it… And this time, there are two! This is dedicated to all my reviewers! Take this as a sort of thanks!
Phase 30 – Flashing Blades
Scene where Kira and Athrun "kill" each other.
Athrun: KIRA!
KIRA: ATHRUN!
Athrun: KIRA!
KIRA: ATHRUN!
Athrun: KIRA!
KIRA: ATHRUN!
ATHRUN: KI -
Director: CUT! (angry) Gundamnit! You forgot your lines didn't you!
Kira and Athrun: (sheepish smile) Ahehehe…
Director: Don't give me that look! That works only for your fan girls. (coldly) And I am neither your fan nor am I a girl.
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Phase 42 – Lacus Sorties
Scene where Athrun confronts his father.
Patrick: …It'll end! The war will end once all the Naturals are exterminated! Have you forgotten about what they did to Junius Seven, you forgetful, simple-minded, love-struck, traitorous, fickle-minded, idiotic bastard?
Athrun: (eyebrows rise in shock) Hey! That wasn't in the script!
Patrick: Yeah? Well, I've been meaning to say that for quite a while! You disappear all of a sudden without even telling me anything! Have you forgotten about your curfew, young man? Your mother and I were worried sick!
Athrun: (teary-eyed) Well, you could have told me nicely! Or you could have just spanked me like the good old days! Physical wounds may heal but wounds from the heart sometimes never do!
Patrick: (raises eyebrow) Well, if that's the case… (takes out a gun from a passing plot hole) You're too old for spanks anyway…
Athrun: (eyes open wide in shock) What the - ? Hey! I was only -joking-!
Director: CUT! Would you two, please, PLEASE, stop the father-son drama! It's driving me insane! (to his assistant) Keep that, we'll just edit that part…