Chapter Ten: No Turning Back Now
One of the hardest things to do is to admit needing help. I sat, sleepless and trembling as the sun began to peek through the drapes, in my room. I hadn't slept a bit all night or morning, for the images that haunted me. I could stare blankly at the wall, and I would still see Erik towering over me like a horrific shadow. How could I let things go on like this? I'd let myself become engulfed by his passion. I'd let him devour and possess me beyond the point of no return. How had it become so bad?
There was only one other choice. I had to tell someone. I had to get help. I could no longer defend myself, for I'd become far too weak. Erik would know that soon if he didn't already. He would conclude that my flight was just a façade; a weak attempt of breaking free and preserving what was left of my dignity. But who could I tell that could offer me protection? Madame Giry was useless for that. She was well aware of what was going on, and she did nothing about it. I knew the chorus girls wouldn't help. And what was the chance that James would believe me? Could he even protect me? Would he even want to? He was my only hope at this point. I had decided not to run. I would simply defend myself with all the strength and support I could muster.
I rose from bed on careful feet, tiptoeing to the door and peering into the corridor. Silence. I exited my room, closing the door and making my way quietly to the boys' dormitory. The halls seemed to be sleeping in a dusty silence. I passed through one of the many sitting rooms, where Buquet the stagehand snored away by a dying fire. The floor creaked as I approached the entrance to the dorm. The candle by the door had just burned out, and the slight breeze of my steps swirled the trails of smoke into the air. It vanished like the phantoms of the night, kissed by the light of dawn. I listened for noise. Erik might be watching my every move. He might be suspicious of me. He could be nearby, lurking in the walls at any given moment. But I did not feel his presence or his eyes, so I determined that he was not anywhere near.
Madame Giry was nowhere in sight. Neither were any more of the more important theater officials. So, opening the door, I entered the boys' dormitories quietly, snooping about the beds. My only light source was the sun itself, and the rays were not quite strong enough to provide ample illumination. Still, I somehow came across James. He was sound asleep on his back, his head nestled into the crook of his left arm. I shook his shoulder gently. "James?" I whispered. He grumbled in his sleep and slowly awoke, blinking in the dim light of morning.
"Faye?" He sat up, a surprised expression slipping onto his face, "What are you doing in here?" He looked self-conscious for a moment, before glancing around the room to see if anyone else was awake. All else was silent.
"Sh!" I motioned for him to follow me back to the door. He hesitated, but soon followed after me, slipping on a pair of shoes. Out in the hall, he looked down at me inquisitively.
"What is it?" He asked.
"James, I need to talk to you," I said in a low and grave voice. Concern glazed his face. He shifted his stance, scratching at the back of his neck.
"What's wrong?" He asked. I paused, uncertain of what to say. Only then did I realize it was unsafe to speak in the midst of the Opera House. Erik would hear. He might not be here now, but somehow, he would know. He always did. Nothing in his Opera House was private.
"Not in here," I whispered, "I can't tell you in here." James raised a brow and looked around. I continued to look at him with a pleading expression, biting my bottom lip. I couldn't believe I was doing this. In part, I did feel guilty, but I also felt it was for the best.
"All right…well…" He looked down at his nightclothes. "Let me get changed, and I'll meet you at the stables."
"Thank you," I nodded in a whisper, before running back to my room. I changed into a warm wool gown and stockings, lacing my boots quickly. I strapped on my various weapons, tightening everything and checking it. I tied my hair back from my face loosely, searching through a trunk for my gloves.
"Faye," a voice whispered from the wall. I nearly fell over, clutching my gloves and slamming the trunk shut. My eyes darted around the room, wide with fear. "In the mirror, Faye…" My eyes fell upon the mirror. A sick feeling rose inside me. He was watching me. He was watching my every move. "Come talk to me," he reasoned, "You cannot possibly be in a hurry…" I stared in horror as the mirror slowly shifted and began to open.
"Oh, no, you stay away from me!" I cried. I grabbed my cloak and slammed the door behind me, all but flying down the stairs. I cautiously moved through the corridor, praying that I would make it to the stable unharmed. Suddenly, his voice resounded through the walls again. But this time it was not so sweet and seductive. It was harsh and reprimanding.
"Faye!" I stopped in the middle of the corridor, my eyes wide. It was as if God himself had come down to scold me. His voice surrounded me. I shuddered. "Where do you think you're going?" Erik demanded. I heard him stepping behind the walls, until he was close-by. He couldn't reach me yet. He couldn't stop me. I could hear horse hooves outside.
I paused. The fact that he could not reach me was comforting, and I felt a bit of my old self restored at this. "It is none of your business as to where I go, so long as I return," I snapped, "Now good bye." I picked up my strides again, drawing my cloak close around me.
"Faye!" He warned. I paused mid-step, my dress and cloak hanging heavy about my form like a weight.
"You can't stop me," I spat, turning partway to glare at a crack in the wall. His shadow passed over it. I shook my head and continued at a brisk pace to the stables, swinging the door open and moving down the stabled hallway. James was just bringing his horse out. He nodded at me, adjusting his overcoat and hat.
"Come on," he said quietly, holding his white horse by the reins and offering me a leg up. He mounted behind me, handling the reins as I leaned back into his embrace. We rode out of the stable and through Paris, over snowdrifts and past buildings. Everything passed in a soundless whir—like a dream. We rode for what seemed like a lifetime—until I felt that we were far enough away from the Opera House to not be heard. Passively, I had to wonder what I thought this would accomplish. But I kept reassuring myself that I was somehow doing the right thing. If I weren't running anymore, I would protect myself no matter what. If James would listen, I might feel safe again.
He stopped the horse when I shifted against him. I couldn't speak to save my soul. I simply clenched my jaw in hopes of holding myself together. The cold light of dawn produced a soft glare on the tops of the endless rows of snowdrifts. James dismounted and offered a hand to help me down. I stumbled a bit when I hit the ground, but he caught my shoulders, looking down into my eyes. "Faye…what is it?" He asked. I thought I might have a breakdown, but I held myself together. I felt so torn. Could I betray Erik and befriend James? Could I really be enemies with the phantom? Did I want to be? Our breath mingled in small clouds on the cold winter air. Nothing seemed real. It all felt like some surreal dreamscape in which I was attempting to confront my problems.
"James…I'm sorry. I know I've never been friendly or anything," I babbled. He still looked at me attentively. If I could just coax myself into telling… I cast my eyes downward, biting my lip. "But I really need your help." The silence lingered. I shuddered in the cold winter air. My cloak was warm, but I still felt cold—inside and out. It was the impenetrable freeze of treason. My heart was in my throat at the thought of telling. But here I was, hoping he would believe me should I ever get the words out. I felt terrible things: guilt, sorrow, anger…
"Faye, whatever you have to say, I will try to help," James assured. I knew he was still looking at me, but I couldn't get myself to look up at him. I shook my head, finally breaking contact with him and moving away. This was so stupid, but so vital. I kept thinking of Erik's eyes--his powerful form rose over me, his voice thundering with a tremulous tone of dominance. The fire in his eyes could have lit up Paris. His fingers closed possessively around my shoulders, forcing me into his embrace. He hissed in my ear…
"No!" I screeched, jerking away, "Stay away from me!" James had moved closer, trying to reassure me with a tender embrace. I sent him reeling away with my hallucination, blinking at him through horror-stricken eyes. Only then did I realize that the thought of Erik continued to pull me back to where I felt that I should be right now. I wasn't supposed to be here. My breath ragged, I tried to soothe myself with a soft murmur, turning away from James again. He looked confused, and possibly a bit frightened.
"Faye…" He whispered. I started to cry again. I kept breaking, and it felt awful. I shook my head in momentary delirium. My thoughts drifted into a multitude of places, trying to make sense of far too many things at once. Everything became confused, and I was no longer here.
"He's always watching…" I whispered, kneeling in the snow and burying my face in my hands, "He never lets me sleep…never lets me dream peacefully…always pushing me…"
"Who, Faye?" James asked. I heard the snow crunch under his feet as he approached a bit warily. I still didn't move. In my mind, all I could see was a blank wall. There was nothing there, and no one. No one was listening. It was just me and my fears.
"And I've never seen what's under the mask…" I cried. I paused, the tears streaming down my face as I looked off blankly.
"Did he hurt you, Faye?" James asked, kneeling at my side, "What did he do, Faye?"
"…He said fear could turn to love…"
"Faye, did he hurt you?" James suddenly gripped me by the shoulders, looking into my eyes intensely. The motion brought me back to the moment. My mouth froze in response. What would I say? Yes? Yes, Erik hurt me? Then what? Why couldn't I do this? I was about to speak when a shadow fell over us. Lifting my eyes slowly, a dread began to fill me before horror hit full-blast. Erik stood over us, a deep and agitated frown plastered across his face.
"James… run," I whispered, tugging gently at his shoulder. James didn't seem to hear me. I could barely even hear myself. Erik slowly drew his rapier. I knew why he'd come here. He'd driven me to the edge last night for a reason. He needed an excuse to go through with his next plan, and he needed a time to do it in. I refused to allow myself to become frozen in fear like this. James was innocent of anything. Erik was simply mad with jealousy. James turned his head in time to see Erik's blade come surging forth for his neck, but even the phantom was not quick enough. My blade was unsheathed, blocking his fatal blow inches from James's neck. "Run!" I commanded, looking at James desperately. He scuttled out from underneath the two crossed blades, looking bewildered and terrified.
Erik growled, his brows creasing in a fit of rage. He wheeled out of the lock, and sprung after James. I flung myself across the snow, latching onto his ankles and bringing him down into the snow just as James mounted his horse. Erik squirmed under my grasp, trying to pursue his quarry still. I gripped his feet and kept him there. "Faye!" James called, nodding in a downward motion as if to tell me to jump on.
"No, go, GO!" I screamed. James looked at me desperately before riding off. I quickly rolled backward, standing with my blade in hand as Erik rose. He quivered in anger as he turned to face me. His eyes were ablaze with a thousand kinds of hate, and I wondered why I put myself in these situations. I set my jaw, meeting his glare with a false confidence.
"Have you forgotten who you are dealing with?" Erik sneered, tightening his grip on the hilt of his rapier. I ignored the question, unwilling to address the power issue at present.
"You were going to kill him," I said evenly, "He never did anything. He was completely innocent. And you were going to kill him!"
"Yes, and I would have succeeded if it were not for a meddling little harlot from the countryside!" He hissed. The murderous gleam in his eyes was unsettling. I shifted, but still kept up my general stance. "You worthless little whore!"
"You were going to kill him, because you were insane with jealousy!" I spat, pointing at him with my sword, "Because he is everything you are not, and that is the better choice on my part!"
"I am not jealous of an unintelligent insignificant little fop from England!" Erik growled, slowly closing the distance between us. I stood my ground.
"Then why waste your time in killing him if he is so insignificant?" I challenged, "Why use me to give you reason to kill him?"
"You would have betrayed me!" Erik yelled, trying to keep his anger in check but failing. "You would have told all for the price of your precious freedom!"
"My freedom is worth almost everything—except the life of another!" I extended my sword pointedly, almost shuddering to think of fighting him again.
"The life of another!" He repeated incredulously, "Do you know what would have become of me if you had just succeeded in divulging everything you know? Do you know, Faye, what would have happened?" I bit my lip, watching him. He continued in a bitter tone that seemed to be hiding some remote form of fear, "Your little English friend would have had the entire police department searching through my sanctuary, and then what? They would find me, Faye, and they would kill me." His angry glare had faded away. He now stared at me unbelievingly, as if I somehow could right the situation. "That is still sacrificing the life of another!"
"You are not another, Erik," I said evenly. He stopped, staring at me. I shook my head, looking at him. "Don't you understand? I don't care what happens to you." There was silence. A cloud had fallen across the morning sun. All was dark and quiet.
"You don't mean that," he finally said. There was a numb tone to his voice, as if he were denying it. "Faye…" I shook my head again.
"You're a monster, Erik. I'll never know you, and I don't want to," I whispered. A desperate, hurt expression was slowly moving across his countenance.
"You don't mean that…" he said softly. I pursed my lips and bowed my head.
"I once pitied you," I explained, "I once thought that maybe, I could care about you and you would care about me too." I lifted my eyes to look at him again. The emotion in his form was drained away. "But then I realized…you're a monster. You could never care." I shrugged, slowly sheathing my sword. Erik was looking down now. He had dropped his rapier and was staring at it in the snow.
"How could your life be interesting without me," he whispered heart-brokenly, "How could it be interesting…"
"I just want to know peace again," I interrupted. He lifted his eyes. Tears were flowing from them. How much pain had I caused this man? I had to convince myself that I was doing the right thing. I knew now where to hit him in order to have an effect. Time had taught me how to destroy. "I don't need someone telling me what to do every second of the day. I don't need to be abused every time I have an opinion. I don't need to be punished every time I feel too tired to work…"
"You're out-of-control," Erik said. He wiped his eyes; "You can't function alone."
"I did fine before you came along," I answered.
"You don't know enough to survive this world. You need my guidance," Erik insisted.
"No," I said, shaking my head roughly, "I don't need your guidance, your teaching, your advice…"
"Me," he said. I paused, looking at him with a curious expression. "You need me," he explained. I opened my mouth to make some defiant retort, but my heart wouldn't let me deny it. Just like I knew his weakness, he knew mine. "So every word that has just left your mouth, is a complete lie," Erik said, crossing his arms, "One big lie."
"That is not true!" I snapped, "I could walk away from you forever, and never even look back!"
"Well go on then, I don't have all day!" He challenged, motioning in the direction of the Opera House, "Go. Walk away from me forever, and don't look back. No one's stopping you!" He picked up his rapier and resheathed it. I raised my head defiantly.
"Fine. I will." I picked myself up, and began plodding away from him. Of course I knew that I would somehow fail in this. I should have had more than enough willpower to walk away from him. It was so easy to walk away. I hadn't gotten very far by the time my feet refused to move any further. After a few seconds in that paused position, Erik's cold laughter ensued behind me. I felt anger and embarrassment rising within my soul.
"Oh, Faye, you poor little chorus girl!" He laughed. I heard him trudging through the snow after me. "Your lies are somewhat more than amusing!"
"God damn you," I whispered, closing my eyes and shaking my head. I knew when I'd been defeated, but I hated admitting it. I had tried so hard to resist and force him away, but in my heart, I'd only brought him closer. His breath came in short puffs across my cheek, his gloved fingers closing around the crook of my waist.
"Shall I return you to rehearsal?" He asked. I opened my eyes hesitantly to look at him. I could have reached out and pulled his mask off. But I didn't have the heart to do so. "They are likely to be starting soon…" I pulled away from him, shivering in the cold. I closed my eyes again. He seemed hesitant, but hooked his fingers around my waist again, draping his cloak around me for doubled warmth. He led me away from the area and around the corner, where his black stallion stood like a statue. Erik nearly tossed me up onto his horse, mounting behind and closing his arms around my waist, gloved hands gripping the leather reins. "Your near-betrayal will not go unpunished," he reminded, "And I advise you to verify nothing with the chorus girls and your English friend—or anyone else for that matter."
I bit my lip. He apparently enjoyed commanding me. He knew I hated it. "So what shall I tell them instead?" I asked.
"Nothing. Or if you must, make up something," he advised. We were silent for the remainder of the trip, until he pulled the stallion up to the stable doors. "One last thing. We will be meeting early tonight. I expect to begin almost directly after rehearsals." He let me slip from the saddle and looked down at me. "That's an order." I said nothing, but turned on my heel and stormed off towards the stables. I could feel his glare resting on me, but I ignored it and made my way through the stables in a flourish. Entering the corridor, I met with pandemonium. James rushed to me.
"Faye, are you all right?" He asked, grabbing my elbow.
"I'm fine," I said numbly, shaking his grip off and traipsing through the crowd of gossiping chorus girls. There was a mixture of excitement and pure horror on the air. Everyone was asking me questions, but I made my way through and up the stairs to my room. At the top of the stairs, Madame Giry stood, a stern look on her face.
"You tried to betray him," she said in a low voice. I glared at her and shoved past, slamming my door. She rapped on it. "Rehearsals in ten minutes!" I growled to myself and then paused at the sight of my room. There was at least one letter on almost every surface! The desk, the dresser, the window ledge, the bed, the floor, the nightstand… I snatched up one from my dresser and tore into it to meet with Erik's scrawling handwriting.
'You are mine.'
I nearly choked at the sight of the words. Upon tearing through the other seventeen envelopes, I read the same exact sentence on each one. "You are mine." "You are mine." "You are mine." I nearly screamed at the pile of letters that accumulated at my feet, and wept into my hands. The last note fluttered from my fingers and lay there, opened and glaring at me from the floor. Crying to myself miserably, I couldn't help but stare at the words, scrawled legibly and angrily before me.
'You are mine.'
A/N: Sorry it's a wee bit short. Hope you like this one. I'd also like to take this time to thank my faithful reviewers. I lurve you all. GF.