Despite the fact that it was a dreary day, plenty of people had weathered the storm.
The main rooms of the village's largest book store and video store combined was crowded with customers. Many of who were dripping water onto the colorful tile floor.
"Mommy, I just saw a fox." A little girl pointed towards the archway that led to the Adults section.
"A fox?" The young mother affectionately patted the hair of her daughter. "You mean the picture of a fox?" She looked over to wear her child was pointing. "Or was it a woman dressed up as a fox?" The store might be holding one of its Cosplay tournaments again.
"A fox, mommy!" The little girl shook her head. What was it with parents? Why did she have to keep repeating herself? "A cute little fox. But, he didn't have a tail!"
"Oh. Ok. Maybe it was somebody's pet." The woman returned to leafing through the newest periodicals while her daughter busied herself with some of the communal toys in the play area.
The Kyuubi avatar, wet hair plastered against its body, had jumped inside of one woman's voluminous shopping bag when she sat it down to adjust her umbrella. Once inside the store, it had made its way into the Over-18 section of the establishment, seen only by one small human child.
"This is the kind of stuff the stupid pervert wouldn't let the boy watch." The fox shook its head. The Kyuubi had plenty of memories of the boy and his hairy teacher peaking in on live and unsuspecting naked women; but, the Legendary Sannin wouldn't let the boy follow that up with Adult literature or movies. But, the owners and customers of this shop didn't know that.
One by one, the sneaky creature rushed out, grabbed a book or videotape in its mouth, and then ran to drop it into a trash bin or kick it under a large cabinet. After it had removed a fair number of rentals, the real fun started. It accessed Kyuubi's memory on Naruto's friends, getting enough information to imitate voices.
"Hey! Kiba! How about 'Kathy Does Konoha?' Have you seen that one yet?" The avatar imitated Naruto's voice.
"No," the fox answered in Kiba's voice. "Neither has Akamaru. But, the guy won't let us check that out!"
"Shit! The storekeeper is a dumb ass!" That was Naruto's voice again. "Do you think that he can stop Uzumaki Naruto?" Naruto laughed. "Besides, I buy so much anime and manga here, the guy won't even suspect me."
The fox had to keep moving around, so no one could see it, and no one could wonder why Naruto's voice was there, but there was no sign of the boy himself.
"Oooh! 'Shinobi Girls Gone Bad!' That's a keeper!" The Naruto voice chuckled. "Put that one in the bag, too." There was a pause. "Yeh! 'Doggy Style Deluxe.' Perfect for you guys. Wow! 'Hentai Hokages.' Got to have it. "The fox continued to rattle off the title of videos, before doing the same in the manga and magazine section.
Some of the customers thought it was funny. Others remembered being teenagers themselves. But, some grew upset and went to complain to store clerks and the owner. Hearing that, the avatar grinned. Mission accomplished! Now, it needed to incriminating evidence. After chewing off the security strip on the back of one X-rated manga, it ran and jumped back into the woman's bag, just as she was preparing to head back out into the rain.
Running around rapidly forming puddles, the sopping little animal ran along the streets of Konoha, looking for other opportunities. It slid to a halt, watching as a number of jounin walked past, complaining about the weather. One of them was Mitarashi Anko. The avatar shivered, accessing some of Naruto's memories. That woman was fit to be a fox demon! Since she was headed out on a short patrol, her belongings would be left unguarded.
On the way to Anko's apartment, the fox struck at a number of grocery stores that Naruto frequented when he shopped for Instant Ramen. When the beast was done, Naruto's name was mud with even more merchants. Needing to indulge its appetite, the furry little troublemaker ran out the back door of a butcher ship, a long string of lamb sausages in its mouth. This was the life! Too bad it had to keep joining up with the imprisoned demon.
"Wonder if I could work out a deal?" The fox sat on its haunches, chewing on its pilfered bounty. "If that stupid boy did perform his jutsu again, maybe things could be more permanent. Maybe I could become my own creature!" It yelped. Kyuubi had heard that. Well, technically it was Kyuubi, too. In any case, the Nine Tails was not about to settle for small potatoes. Besides, the idiot child would never agree to any bargain. That freaking Ninja Way of his! "I owe him for my tail, anyway…"
Gaining access to Anko's building was no more difficult than getting into Gai's and Kakashi's complex. If any of the idiots had believed the boy, things might not have been so simple. But, no one was on the look out for an evil rampaging tailless fox. Nobody had put jury-rigged screen covers over vents, downspouts, or chimneys.
Sparing a few moments to frolic and play in the jounin's lingerie drawer, the Kyuubi avatar roamed the darkened rooms in search of things to destroy. It hit the jackpot after opening one large closet. The wall held a number of whips, each with a shiny golden placard to tell what country it came from, and what time period it represented. The fox smiled. Chew toys!
"Damn!" The fox tried to use its tongue to push some leather out from between its teeth. That wasn't why it was annoyed. It had carried along the manga, but had no other Naruto-evidence to leave behind. Well, it would just have to carry some whip fragments in addition to the book.
After leaving Anko's home in a complete shambles, the fox made its way back to the hospital, glad that the rain had stopped. Making its way back up to Naruto's room, the little beast had taken a different rout, running up a rickety old fire escape and crawling along a large hospital sign. Fortunately, no one had repaired the break in the window yet.
Leaping to the floor silently, it avoided the boy's attention. He was leaning over a cup of instant noodles, slurping them in while he watched the television. The fox thought about making some kind of parting remark, but didn't want to give Naruto any reason to think it had been back. It would be best if he did not discover the copy of 'Horny Hospital Hotties' that was sitting under his bed.
Where to next? A little reconnoitering might be in order. Patience and two keen fox ears might lead to the perfect way to ruin that blasted boy's life even more. Of course, a quick stop in another bakery might be a good idea too. Who would have guessed that a demon avatar would have a horrendous sweet tooth?
Wandering throughout the village, the fox happened upon a good idea, overhearing to elders speaking. It would have to hurry. There was a need to return to Naruto's apartment, to gather up some of his things. Rifling through Naruto's possessions again, the fox looked under his bed. It seemed that the Frog Hermit had not been able to prevent his student from buying a few naughty magazines while he and the boy trained away from Konoha. Those would do nicely. So would a few of the boy's undergarments. And, one of the more or less intact whips back at Anko's place.
Moving with all speed, the fox carried a sack full of sundry items up along the outside of the administrative building. By stroke of good fortune, the Hokage had left her double window wide open. No doubt she was in the process of escorting the most important elder council members to her room at that very moment. When they all walked in, they would see something unexpected.
"Let's put a magazine here," the avatar said, placing one magazine in the middle of the floor. "Another here…" A second publication ended up on the Fifth's desk. "Here…" A third one was placed over on a long couch, along with one pair of monogrammed boxer shorts. Another pair of shorts was draped over the arm of the Hokage's chair, right next to the whip.
"If you'll all follow me, gentlemen…" That was Tsunade's voice.
"Bingo!" The Kyuubi avatar left the same way it had come in. Another happy victim! What was that insipid saying? 'Good things come in small packages.' Wrong! Bad things come in small packages.
Making its way off of the streets and onto one of the wooded paths, the fox wondered if it should seek out anyone in particular, or rely on the vagaries of fate. It sat a moment, washing its paws. Although it had full access to Naruto's memories, the fox… and Kyuubi proper… were not limited by the boy's clueless nature. Some things that eluded Naruto's notice were quite obvious to the Nine Tails. The earlier saying gave way to a wicked idea. Small packages. Good things. Hinata Hyuuga.
"Hah!" The fox barked a quick laugh and did a somersault. ""This will be fun!" Not only could it do something to Hinata to change the way that she felt, it could also make certain that the stupid boy realized just how the girl had once felt about him, after it joined up with Kyuubi again. Delicious!
First, the fox made a brief stop at Asuma's place. It sniffed about the entire set of rooms, finding all of the jounin's cigarettes. All of the packs ended up shredded, including a number of cartons of expensive imported smokes.
Not long thereafter, sniffing around the practice grounds, the avatar yipped in glee, blessing its good fortune. It had picked up the Hyuuga girl's scent. It was fairly fresh. Jumping over logs and crawling under bushes, it finally poked its furry snout through one small thicket. There! The girl. With her teacher. They were taking a breather near a group of tall bushy shrubs.
"Ohh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!" The fox imitated one of Rock Lee's excited utterances perfectly. "Naruto, I cannot believe that you have become so experienced."
"Well Lee, if I'm going to be Hokage some day, I need to be good at everything I do. If you know what I mean." The laughter was a dead ringer for Naruto's jovial laugh. "It's good to learn as many jutsus as possible. But, it's a lot more fun to get training in bouncy bouncy! Hah, the damn perverted hermit would go nuts if I told him."
"Ahhhh-h-h-h-h… I am so jealous," Lee's voice said.
"Hey! Save off those damn eyebrows, and you might have a chance. The girls in our group may seem like nice girls; but, in reality, most of them are sluts. So are the girls in the two classes behind ours."
"Do you think that I could get lucky with Sakura, too?" Lee's voice asked, raising an octave. "I'll always… you know…"
"Sure!" Naruto's voice answered. "She's the biggest slut of them all. All it took was a box of chocolates and a couple of carnations. Wham bam thank you mam!" That was followed by loud chuckling. "Not as sweet as Ino or Ten Ten, though. Oh. Don't tell Neji that last part. He'd kill me. Ten Ten was almost as good as Shizune." He went on to comment on a number of the genin girls. From its brief time in the Girl's Dorm, the avatar had caught sight of a number of unique tattoos. That information came in handy.
"Oooo-oo-oo-ooh… I wish that I could have trained with the Frog Hermit!" Lee's voice sounded downcast fro a moment. "You mentioned all of the girls in our group except Hinata. How about her?"
"Hinata? Shit!" The Naruto voice sounded like it was spitting. "If you dressed a tree stump up in a dress, it would look better than that shy, dark weirdo. I guess I could put a bag over her head. That would be kind of kinky!" The fox had to fight to keep from laughing in its own voice. "But, if she's anything like that Kurenai woman, she'll be a real cold fish. I already crossed that bitch off my list."
"But, don't you know that she really likes you?" The Lee voice asked. "She might even agree to go out with you, even if she finds out that you have the Nine-Tailed Fox sealed inside of you. Ten Ten already knew that, after the mission against Akatsuki."
"Hey! Future Hokage, remember? I can' afford to scrape the bottom of the barrel." The Naruto voice laughed. "But, if she got down naked on all fours, and barked like a dog for me, I might toss her a bone or two. Heh heh heh…"
The Kyuubi avatar was quite pleased with itself. Things were going splendidly. The boy might be able to win back some trust, and regain some friendships; but, his life would be a smoking wreckage when it was through. Traipsing along the forest paths, it happened upon Lee, Ten Ten, and Neji. "Next!"
"You actions don't seem wise," the avatar said in Shino's voice. "You will end up with many people hating you."
"No way!" It answered in Naruto's voice. "People are generally stupid. If they think you have a good eye and a kind heart, they will forgive you for anything." He laughed. "All I need to do is tell everyone that my head wound had me acting crazy!"
"Shit! Maybe I should try that some time." That was said in Kiba's voice. "Don't worry, Shino and I won't tell anyone. But be careful that Hinata doesn't overhear you. She's still training out here with Kurenai."
"Doesn't matter if she does," the Naruto voice claimed. "She dotes on me. Anything I want, she'll do. I've even gotten her hooked on S&M, if you can believe that! But whatever you do, don't let that slip to Neji. He'd kill me. Or, his uncle would."
"You've got that right. You dog you!" Kiba's voice was followed by a perfect imitation of Akamaru's bark. "If any of the girls were still a virgin, I would have guessed her."
"He's probably lying," the Shino voice said.
"How much you wanna bet?" The Naruto voice asked. "How about a month's worth of Ramen lunch? I've got it all on videotape. You should see the one where she's whipping my ass like I'm a dog. No offense, Akamaru." That was followed by a series of barks.
"Yeh! Talking about pictures. Do you have any more for sale?" Kiba's voice went lower.
"Nah. Not yet. I should have some good ones of Ten Ten and the genins next week. Primo shower scene! Better not let your sister stumble across that kind of stuff!" The Naruto voice laughed again. "I learned a lot training with two of the Leaf's biggest perverts."
"Does Lee ever buy any of your photographs?" The Shino voice asked.
"I always wondered if he was kind of light in the loafers, if you know what I mean." Kiba's voice sighed. "He spends so much time with Gai."
"Don't get me started on Lee and Gai!" Naruto's voice said. "He's a loser teaching a bunch of other losers. He's not cool like Kakashi-sensei. Kakashi says that both Lee and Gai have a big case of man love for each other. When I mentioned to that to the guys who draw up original manga, they thought it would make a real good series. Coming soon to an adult book store near you!"
The fox decide to cut and run at that point. It had been so caught up in its rabble rousing, that it had forgotten one point. If the jounin and chuunin all got together to complain about Naruto, their stories didn't overlap. Each of them would deny saying the things that they were heard saying. Maybe that wasn't such a danger after all. If everything panned out, they would all end up distrusting one another.
"I can't miss the next show!" The Kyuubi avatar wanted to be at the hospital when the next group of unhappy people descended like locusts upon the idiot boy.
When the little creature showed up at the hospital, peering around the wooden patch they had placed on the broken window, it saw the Hokage standing in the room with Naruto. Damn! It had missed the fireworks from that chesty woman. Very carefully, it pushed in the small plank, which had only been attached by tape.
"It looks like you'll get released tonight," Tsunade said. "But, it might be safer keeping you somewhere secret, considering how many people are willing to lynch you now." That had the fox's tongue hanging out of its mouth as it laughed a very pleased laugh. "The safest place would be Anko's." It was a very timely joke. Someone could be heard sneezing just before she walked into the room.
"Guess again," Anko said, walking into the room. She was holding a whip. "This is the only one left intact." The jounin's face was even scarier than it had been outside of the Forest of Death, at the start of the outdoor portion of the chuunin exams. "It seems that our busy little intruder couldn't leave well enough alone." She snapped the whip. The fox almost cried in happiness. Naruto almost wet the bed.
"Anko, he…" The Hokage wasn't able to get her words out.
"A whip, Anko?" That was Kurenai, walking into the room dragging a very pale looking Hinata. The younger girl couldn't look over at Naruto. "Good! I knew that your hobbies would come in handy some day! I was going to ask you to teach Asuma a lesson for me; but, I have a more appropriate target in mind."
"Hey, Hinata!" Naruto said, feeling a bit queasy. Why did she look like that? Had the fox done something to her too? "What's wrong?"
"What's wrong?" Kureani looked like a storm cloud ready to release a deluge. "What's wrong!" She took out a pair of kunei. "It was bad enough you called me a cold fish when you didn't know I was listening. But to say those things about Hinata, knowing how big a crush she has on you."
"Crush?" Naruto's mouth fell open. "Hinata? Me?"
"N-Naruto-kun…" Hinata buried her face into Kurenai's side, fighting back tears.
"Hinata!" That was Neji. He looked more like an avenger than Sasuke ever had. "I know why you're crying. Naruto will not get away with it. I can't believe that I thought highly of him."
Ahhhh-h-h-h-h!" Lee stood in the door, his face a mask of anger. No one could ever remember seeing him look like that. "I am ashamed to be from the same village as you. To think that you would videotape such terrible intimate acts with Hinata, and offer them up to Kiba."
"Lee!" Ten Ten smacked Lee over the head with her weapons bag. "Shhhh. You idiot!"
"Hinata?" Anko smiled and held the whip out to the trembling girl. "Want to use this?" She scratched her head after Hinata keeled over, fainting and falling.
"If everyone would…" Tsunade still couldn't get a word in edgewise.
"Is he in there?" An angry middle-aged voice could be heard above the general hubbub. "Is that thief in there?" One of the managers from the book and video store wandered in. His claims had Ten Ten and Lee scrambling to search the room while Naruto shouted out his innocence, swearing that a small demon fox was responsible for everything.
"Is he talking about that fox again, Tsunade?" Shizune pushed her way into the room carrying Naruto's chart. She was supposed to be working on his discharge summary. She reached into her pocket, and took out a syringe, a capped needle, and a vial of sedative. That had the fox licking its lips in anticipation.
"Found something!" Ten Ten held up the copy of 'Horny Hospital Hotties.' That had Shizune's eyes narrowing. Sakura, who fought through the crowd after arriving in a huff, shook her fist at Naruto after seeing the hentai manga.
"It's that kind of stuff that has you bragging about things that never happened!" She had to be restrained by the Hokage, who was only barely a match for her in strength these days. "Saying I'm a slut! Telling people that you and I… you know! How could you!"
"What's this?" Lee asked, holding up the remnant of one of Anko's whips.
"If he manages to live, he's a dead man!" That was Asuma. He was carefully shielding the last pack of cigarettes he had, expressly ignoring the 'No Smoking' signs hung about the hospital. The avatar smiled. It liked to see rules broken. It couldn't wait to see Uzumaki Naruto broken.
"Don't worry, Hinata" Ten Ten whispered to her friend, who was sitting up after regaining consciousness. "If I have to torture Naruto, I'll get back all of the tapes showing you two having sex. I'll work on Neji, so he doesn't tell your father."
"Eep!" With that little squeak, Hinata fainted again.
"Ever castrate a man?" Anko asked Kurenai.
"Don't start without me!" Ino made her way into the room.
"Hokage!" Uzuki Yugao joined the crowd, taking off her ANBU mask. She was joined by a squad of her fellow Black Ops ninja. "I apologize! We heard about the intruder in your office. I hope the council members do not think anything inappropriate." She looked over at Naruto, putting her mask back on. "We are ready to take the perpetrator into custody at your command."
The Kyuubi avatar was so dizzy with happiness that it almost stepped off of its small perch. Things were going better than it ever had a right to hope for. Foxes rule!
Everyone started talking and shouting at once. Naruto slid under his covers. Hinata was led over to an empty bed behind the partition. Tsunade kept trying to hush everyone without success.
"BE QUIET! ALL OFF YOU. THE NEXT ONE WHO SPEAKS WILL END UP WORKING WITH THE SEWER CREW!"
The room went dead quiet after the Hokage's shout.
"It's about time!" Naruto said, hands on his lips, lip stuck out.
"I meant everyone," Tsunade said. "You've got a strong back. You're not afraid of walking around in dark tunnels filled with sewage, are you?"
Naruto pantomimed zipping his lips shut.
"It seems that we all owe Naruto an apology," Tsunade said. "Especially me, as much as it hurts me to admit it." She shook her head, frowning. "He was telling the truth all along. It wasn't until I thought to review the film from the hospital security cameras that I realized what was going on."
"Oh shit!" The fox froze. "Busted!" Now what was it going to do. No more mischief would work. All of its hard work would go for naught. Worst of all, it would be extremely difficult getting back inside that boy's body.
Prompted by some unconscious discovery, Neji performed Byakugan. Silently, he pointed to the window.
"Huh?" Naruto scratched his head and then nodded. Smiling, he called out. "You out there, Stumpy?" He reclined back on his bed, hands behind his neck. "Want to come in and introduce yourself?"
"F-ck you!" The Kyuubi avatar said, rebellious to the very end. "You were all a bunch of saps!" There was the sound of a struggle. "Le… me… go!"
The window broke inwardly this time, as a group of Naruto clones pulled each other into the room. Glass tinkled across the floor, and the clones disappeared one by one as the little fox-form bit them savagely.
"Here… let me…" Anko grabbed the fox firmly by the ruff, holding a wickedly sharp knife to its neck. Looking the startled fox in the eyes, she purred "Make my day…"
The fox voided its bladder. Despite that fact, it looked at Anko, stars in its eyes. "I… I… I love you…" The darkness in that woman was so alluring!
"How sweet," Anko said. "Was the fox speaking for you, Naruto?" She smiled, seeing her joke have its intended effect. Naruto spasmed, knocking over an IV pole, hitting Tsunade in the head with it. "What should I do with this thing?"
"I'll take care of it," the Hokage said, rubbing her head before lacing her fingers together and cracking her knuckles. "It's a little small; but, I've always wanted a fur stole."
"Eek!" This time, it was the Kyuubi avatar that fainted.
One by one, the assembled shinobi and merchants all paid their respects to Naruto, offering him apologies and hopes that he would be back in tip top shape as soon as possible.
"You can keep the manga!" The store manager said as he left.
"Uhhh…" Naruto reached his hand out to the man.
"I don't think so!" Shizune, Sakura, and Kureani all spoke up at once. They grabbed the book and threw it in the trash. Asuma brushed it off and slipped it inside of his vest on his way out.
Kurenai walked over to help Hinata, who finally felt well enough to walk. She blushed mightily, looking over at Naruto.
"Crush." Naruto muttered under his breath, swallowing hard. He rubbed his eyes. Not that he looked closer, she was pretty cute.
"Well, Hinata. Would you like lessons on how to handle a man?" Anko grinned, looking over at Naruto. "Or Naruto?"
"Ummm…" Hinata looked unsteady on her feet again. Kurenai gave Anko a scathing look.
"This will be a good start." Anko handed Hinata the whip. "It's a gift. Enjoy!" With that, she left.
"Here, why don't you come and sit down a bit." Shizune motioned to Kurenai, who left with errands to attend to. "You've had a bit of excitement today, haven't you?" She reached out to take Hinata's pulse. It was racing.
"Not as much as me!" Naruto said, folding his arms across his chest. Hmmmpppfff! Why was Hinata getting all of the attention now? He wanted to get out of this place. "Hurry and check me out, Shizune. I want to get home."
Naruto suddenly felt dizzy. Before he knew it, three whisps of orange chakra made their way out of him. They all solidified into foxes.
"I'll get Tsunade!" Shizune said.
"Oh great!" Naruto worked the hand seals for Kage Bunshin.
"You won't catch us, loser!" One of the foxes said.
"We need a new trick this time," one of the other avatars said. It smiled, looking at a shocked Hinata.
"I know just the thing," the third fox said. It had spoken in Hinata's voice.
"Here we go again," Naruto said, sending his clones after the escaping foxes.
Hinata slid out of her chair.
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THE END