DBZ Fanfiction Queen: My, you're full of questions. I don't mind, though. No actually, Squall didn't wake up in the morning. He seems to have developed a nasty little habit of waking up at noon or later on most days, though this is something I haven't quite expanded on yet, because it's not a very relevant detail right now. Between his extremely late start, the taxi ride (and keep in mind, this is a big city and he was heading to the hospital farthest away from the hotel), the walk, and everything else, it was beginning to get dark by the end of the fic. It gets dark earlier this time of year in Deling. So sayeth the fanfic writer, so it shall be!
Disclaimer: I don't own the song 'Flying Teapot' by Yoko Kanno.
Chapter 6
The pistol wavered in his sweat-soaked grip, faint wisps of smoke curling away from the barrel as though the instrument of death were releasing its remorse to dissipate in the frostbitten air, absolved from any guilt or responsibility. If only he could release his own burden so easily...
An ever growing puddle of sin was rolling steadily across the floor toward his feet, slick crimson that looked blacker than evil in the dim room. Any minute now it would touch him, taint him, swallow him- but he couldn't move. His legs trembled beneath the slight weight of his body as it threatened to collapse in on itself. His own blood had turn to icy sludge in his veins, and his lungs felt as though they had shriveled away in his chest. The sharp rasp of the biting winter air in the back of his throat was the only way he knew for certain he was still breathing, because it felt as though he were suffocating. What had he done?
The touch of wetness on his big toe sent a jolt through his body, and he sent the gun flying across the room as though the metal had scorched his flesh, or perhaps just some deeper part of him that couldn't be seen in the light.
Killer. Murderer. Sinner. This was the legacy left to him, the path his father had paved for him when he threw his life away. If the stupid asshole had never died this never would have happened. If he hadn't dragged his mother into the fight, this never would have happened. If he hadn't been helpless and weak, cowering in shadows while his parents fought for him... if he hadn't been helpless...
"But you're not anymore, are you?"
He turned slowly, dragging his feet ever so carefully out of the liquid sin devouring the floor. The expression she wore on her face as she leaned against the doorframe was unlike any he'd ever seen on her face before, but there were facets of familiar expressions lurking within this new one. Sadness, deep and heart wrenching, held a tight grip on something that almost looked like pride... she was proud of him?
"No, you're not a little boy anymore, are you?" the whisper tore painful and raw from Edea's mouth as her gaze glued itself to some distant corner far from him and the mess he'd made. "You've grown, Squall Leonhart. You realize you can never go back now... now that you've taken your first life."
The trembling eight-year old before her forced a façade of indifference, trying his damnedest to mask the fear and horror she'd seen so poignantly radiating from his fragile physique before she'd made her presence known. "I'm not a child," he ground out in a voice that quivered beneath the weight of badly feigned nonchalance. "I had no choice. He would've taken you and Cid away, and then where would I go? Some orphanage? I don't think so... he brought it on himself."
Edea finally turned her eyes to the prone body, and winced slightly as a small, golden shield glinted in the sea of blood. He must've flashed it at Squall, thinking he'd gain the boy's trust that way.
"Squall," she spoke out in a voice so thin and frail that it seemed a simple harsh word or angered scowl would shatter it, "never blame your victims to shirk responsibility for what you've done to them. This is... an ugly world we live in. You know that now, if you know nothing else. It's true that some people might invite harm unto themselves by intruding where they do not belong, but you're still the one that pulls the trigger. Never forget that. Never forget what you've done and what you do, or you will never retain any bit of humanity. Do you hear me?"
He shook his head fervently and she could tell the composure he'd tried so hard to erect around his broken spirit was cracking. "No... I don't want to be human, Matron. Humans fail, humans die. Humans are helpless, and I won't be, never again! I'll show Caraway who the real coward is! I'll make him pay and he'll know I'm not helpless..."
"Squall..."
The tone stopped him immediately, and he turned to find the woman that had cared for him for years on her knees, silver streaks painting lines of suffering down her cheeks. She reached for him, her hand making an almost painful grip on one arm as she dragged him to her. With her free hand she turned his head and forced him to look at the bloody footprints he'd left behind, glimmering in restless silence up from the floor.
"Do not forget that you are flesh and blood," she hissed out in a cracking voice. "You are just as human as the lives you take and deep down I know that you're frightened and ashamed of what you've done. Don't lose that, Squall or you'll lose everything, I promise you."
"But what do I have to lose? What have I ever had to lose?"
The darkness of memories passed faded away, reality rushing back as he wondered over the older woman's advice. She seemed so adamant, but perhaps she just didn't understand. She had a husband, and dozens of surrogate children. What did he have, really? Just himself, and so long as he was living, he wouldn't be helpless to petty emotions and everyone would know it, just how strong he could be.
"Are you there? Can you hear me?"
He closed his eyes, slipping further and further from consciousness. Yes, yes, he would be strong and no one would hold him down.
"Are you there?"
Sleep and what little peacefulness of mind he could find there were calling wordlessly to him and he was letting himself answer, drifting away gently into its comforting embrace, the voice still echoing quietly in his mind.
"Yes... I'm here."
"Lay your heart
Lay your soul
Upon my magic carpetNow we are flying
To Venus just to kill some time for tea"
He should have been looking out the window he was seated next to, studying the guard shifts of the city hall, but he couldn't seem to look away from her. Her mirthful brown eyes were locked with his, twinkling with laughter she couldn't express because she was putting her voice to use by practicing one of her songs. She sat at a small, slightly rundown piano, fingers gliding effortlessly across the keys and her voice entrancing his senses. She really was singing to him and him alone this time, and the thought, the feeling of it, caused a furious tingling in the pit of his stomach and leaden sensation in his spine.
"Remember Surrender There's nothing you can do 'Cause love's such a joke Like a little jack in the box, you know"She finished off her song and collapsed into a fit of giggling. "You're the first guy I've ever serenaded, you know?"
He rolled his eyes as she stood from her seat and wandered into the kitchen. "Whatever."
Her voice was still ringing pleasantly in his ears, but with her eyes no longer trained on him and the silence closing in, he could finally get around to doing what he'd come there for. He glanced back at the building across the street and began making mental notes of things he'd want to remember.
"So what's so interesting about my window, huh?"
He didn't hear her come up behind him, and almost jumped in surprise at hearing her voice. "Nothing, just enjoying the view," he replied in an almost mechanical voice.
She sighed and seated herself next to him, leaned against the windowsill. "What are you really here for Squall?"
"You're the one that invited me."
"I know that," she tentatively placed a hand on his shoulder. "And I'm glad you're here. I like having you here. It's usually so quite, and I get so lonely..."
"You like having me here, or you like having just anyone here?"
She smacked his arm playfully before returning her hand to his shoulder. "Having just anyone here is better than having no one here, but having you here is better than having just anyone here. See? It's just... I didn't really expect you to come. It isn't like you."
"You don't know me," he bit out before he could stop himself.
His gaze had gone, almost automatically back to the city hall, and she followed his gaze there. "The second time I ran into you, you were sitting in front of City Hall, watching it. And now... You're going to do something there, aren't you? You realized when you were here before that I had a good view of the place. That's why you're here." Her voice dropped in obvious disappointment. "You're using me."
Something nameless buried deep inside radiated an unpleasant sting at the tone, but he scowled outwardly. "Don't blame me if you were stupid enough to think someone like me actually wanted to spend time with you."
He expected her to cry out in protest of his harsh words, but in the window's reflection, he could only see her frown in defiance of the liquid that built quite suddenly at the corners of her eyes. "So who are you going to kill there?" she inquired in a voice edged painfully in icy steal.
His eyes widened just slightly at the bluntness of her question. "I'm not telling you a damn thing."
"Does it make you feel important, using people and killing them?" she kept on. "Will you kill me too once you're done with this place?"
He stood up abruptly, leaning close until his face was only inches from her. "If I wanted you dead I'd have killed you all ready, if you must know. Don't think I won't change my mind about that if you keep pushing me."
"Who says I'm pushing?" she asked softly. "This is what you do. If you're so ashamed of it, maybe you shouldn't be doing it."
"You don't know anything."
She started to speak, but stopped herself with a sigh. "You're right, I don't. I don't know why you are what you are, and I told myself from the beginning that I wouldn't judge you because of that. It's just... I don't understand. You're some kind of mobster... you probably kill people all the time, and yet you saved my life that day."
"Don't read too much into it. It was only reflex."
"Do you ever... think about it? What it means to those people's families when you kill them? How they must feel?"
"Loss is a natural part of life, isn't it?"
"Dying of disease or a natural disaster... that's natural. Getting gunned down isn't."
"Well too damn bad, because it happens all the time."
The frown returned to twist her lips downward. "How can you be so callous? Haven't you ever lost anyone?" She was rewarded with a sharp, deadly flicker of his frosted cerulean eyes. "I see," she murmured.
"The strong survive and the weak die. That's how it works."
"We're all weak sometimes, Squall."
A disgusted sound tore from his throat, and he headed for her front door wordlessly. Before he could make it there, two hands fisted in his sleeve, and he allowed himself to be held back, the will to struggle evaporating from his body.
"You'll... be back tomorrow, won't you?"
"Why the hell would you want me back if you know what I'm going to do? Doesn't that make you just as bad, willingly letting me use you? No... You actually think you can change something. Don't waste your time."
"You're really a good person. On the inside, somewhere."
"You see something there because you want to see it, that's all." He turned to look at her over his shoulder. "I won't be back. You obviously have no sense of self-preservation, so maybe someone else needs to have some for you, and the best way I can do that is by staying away."
Her face suddenly broke into an overjoyed smile and she pulled him around to face her. "See! See! You just proved my point right there! You're trying to do something good for me by staying away." His mouth opened and the beginnings of something rude and vulgar started to slip out, but she cut him off. "Too bad for you that I won't let you stay away. I'll hunt you down if I have to."
"Don't you have a fiancé to worry about?"
"Aww, are you jealous?"
"You're crazy," Squall growled and tugged his arm away from her. "I don't give a shit about you."
She giggled. "What a very sweet thing to say. You must charm women into your arms left and right. I wonder, what would it take to charm you into mine?"
"Uhh..."
"Is the mighty Squall blushing?" She leaned up on her tip toes and kissed him on the cheek before he could dodge her. "I'm flattered, really. So, do you like chicken? I was thinking of making that for dinner tomorrow. Watching really does go more smoothly on a full stomach, don't you think?"
"Why are you doing this?"
She only smiled at his dumbfounded question. "I'm not sure, really. I'll let you know when I find out." With that, she ushered him out the door, but leaned in the frame and allowed her eyes to linger on him a moment longer before she said, "You'll come watch me tomorrow, won't you? At the hotel? We'll have an early dinner and then we can go together, since you'll be heading back there, anyway."
He didn't tell her that he'd tried his best never to miss a performance since the first one he watched. She was all too smug as it was, thinking she had correctly pegged him as a 'good guy'. Hell, he didn't even want to admit to himself that he liked watching and listening to her so much, so he just shrugged in reply. "Maybe."
He expected her smile to falter, at least slightly, but it only grew. "Much better than the resounding 'no' I had expected. See? We're making progress with you all ready!"
Squall rolled his eyes. "So I'm a project now?"
"Would you prefer to be my new play thing, instead?"
He just shook his head and started down the hall, swiftly turning his back on her. She laughed, just a little. "Don't worry, I was only kidding. You aren't either of those things to me," she called. By then, he was far enough down the hall that the whisper that fell from her lips afterwards never reached his ears. "You can't see it for yourself, but I know... You're far too strong and far too fragile to be anyone's toy."
Important A/N: This has been sitting on my floppy disk for months now, just as is. It never really felt complete enough to post, but recently, it occurred to me that maybe it never will. Sometimes, you just hit a wall you, know? Maybe you don't want to stop, but something still gives out and you can't go forward anymore. Well, I wouldn't say that I can't go forward anymore, but rather, that my path has changed course.
I guess when you write stories for the same fandom for three years, it gets a little old eventually. Working with the same characters, the same personalities... it gets stale after a time, I think, no matter how many different situations you put them in or how many facets of their life and personality you try to explore. Long story short, I think I reached a point where, as a writer, I stopped growing through fanfiction. When I started writing a story on fictionpress, I expected it would simply be an outlet for me to vent to when I got tired of all the drama involved with my fanfiction- that's why it's a humor story. Exploring this new way of writing, however, opened the door to trying even more new things, and before I knew it, I was working on all kinds of original ideas without giving my fanfiction a second thought. I was reluctant to let go of what was a zone of familiarity for me, hence why I never announced an official hiatus until now, but I think its time to face up to the truth.
I'm not quitting fanfiction. I still want to finish the stories I have open, though it might take me quite some time to do so. By the time I get around to wrapping some of my stories up, or even updating them, you all might have long since forgotten about them, but I will continue trying. I highly doubt that, despite some of the new ideas I had come up with ages ago to write about, I will be starting any new stories. I don't know when you can expect to see updates from me. I'm going to attempt to be more active with my co-author project, as that is not a story solely dependant on me and my whims, but overall, I guess you can call this an indefinite semi-hiatus. My zone of familiarity has shifted, and when I look around at this place now, there are so many new faces. Plenty to entertain you guys in my absence, ne? Now that I've babbled on forever, I suppose I'll conclude with...
Goodnight. Goodnight but not goodbye, because I'm confident we'll see one another again. Someday. Dark Raion