Ooh, I have another Phantom fic. Well, this is just a silly little fic about the Phantom and his damn precious mirror….stupid thing. Well, ever wonder how he got all that stuff into his lair? This is my explanation. One-shot, but may become multi-chaptered if I feel up to it. There are loads of plot holes in here, too, but this is a senseless fic, anyway.

On with the show!

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Things Too Big to Fit Through a Mirror

It was three in the morning, an obscenely early hour, as a grunt was elicited from the dressing room which was currently in the use of Christine Daae.

"Come along, creature, we haven't all night"

The older Giry rubbed sleep from her tired eyes, took the lantern from her bedside and softly placed her feet upon the floor. Wearily, she stepped to the dressing room and held the lantern in front of her. The light flickered and seeped to the dark corners, illuminating the room. The shadow of a broad-shouldered figure stood out against the wall. A white half-mask seemed to hover in the darkness.

"Come on!" the figure, identifiably male, exclaimed.

"Erik?" came Madame Giry's thickly accented voice.

"Ahh, old bag, help me here!" the man, now identifiably Erik, yelled brightly.

"Old….bag? Erik, what on earth are you doing?" the old woman inquired in total confusion.

Soon, a very peculiar sight came into view. As the light shimmered, it glinted off a vast expanse of glossy, black hair that clung to the rear of what seemed to be a horse. A long, jet black tail swished and a whinny rang through the nights' air.

"I need" another grunt "this horse"

"Why?" asked Madame Giry, convinced Erik suffered from a mental disorder.

"I need to seduce the woman!" he said, as if this was more obvious than even his mask.


"Erik, it will never fit" the old Giry said dryly.

"By god in heaven and all things good on this earth, this damnable creature will fit!" he yelled, back against the horse as he pushed it further in. It let out a louder whinny and it's tail whipped the Phantom's neck.

"Erik, hush, you're going to wake-"

Too late.

Meg Giry, the obscenely perfect little angel, stumbled in exhaustedly.

"Mama, what's going on?" she murmured tiredly, raising her slender fingers to rub her eyes.

"Ahh, small blonde ballerina, you will help me! I must get this horse through-"

He was interrupted as the tiny blonde let out a shrill scream that could shatter windows.

"It's the Phantom of the Opera!" the little Giry cried frantically.

Another error. A tiny figure, clad in a white nightdress walked in, clutching a stuffed, worn cat to her chest. She yawned and followed suit to the other two, rubbing her chocolate eyes as if to wake from a dream.

"You, smaller and easily distracted brunette! Help me with this horse with which I shall seduce you!"

True to form, the newly ordained soprano pointed a delicate finger at herself as if to ask, 'who me?'

"No, the blonde standing next to you! Yes, you, fool! Come on!" he ordered.

Even truer to form, she became enraptured by the sight of the masked man and simply stared stupidly.

The Phantom rolled his eyes irritably and heaved both a sigh and the horse.

"What's going on in here?" a male's voice asked.

Raoul De Chagny stood in the doorway. Erik glared, his jaw clenching tightly at the sight of the younger man.

"Long haired she-male, will you be of some use!" Erik inquired, jaw still tightly shut.

"I beg your pardon, sir?" the irritated Vicomte asked, looking a bit malevolent.

Green eyes once more rolled.

"What is this mess?" a voice, heftily accented by an Italian tinge, snapped,

"Nothing at all" Erik paused, looking the owner of the annoying voice up and down "birdwoman"

A tremendous shadow covered over La Carlotta's tall body.

"How dare you insult La Carlotta" the man behind Carlotta boomed, As if a bodyguard, Piangi stood behind Carlotta, his plump yet huge body casting a vast shadow,

"Well, spherical, obese elephant man, despite the fact that you can use your size to get this animal through the mirror" the Phantom stopped, eyes lighting up like a child on Christmas morning "would you like to be the next through my mirror?"

Now, needless to say, Erik was never a man whose sanity was fully in tact. The thing was, he had acquired this impulsive need to force way too big things through way too small spaces.

The walrus-sized Piangi paled visibly, gulped and took a step backward. A maniacal grin slowly grew upon Erik's lips.

"Ooh, you shall be fun" the 'Opera Ghost' sneered.

Dear Piangi seemed to pale even more. The huge, black horse impatiently kicked its' back leg.

"Yes yes, alright!" the Phantom sighed in exasperation. He returned to attempting to force the animal through the tiny space.

"……" was basically everyone's response.

"Let's go!" the Phantom gritted his teeth and pushed harder, muscles knotting as he did so. The horse whinnied louder and stamped its' hooves.

"……" once more.

"Old bag, small blonde ballerina, smaller and easily distracted brunette, long haired she-male, birdwoman and spherical obese elephant man, the quicker we get this horse through, the quicker the plot advances!" the masked man demanded.

"……"

"Fine, to the deepest layer of hell with all of you!" he yelled, continuing to push the massive horse.

There was a loud crash as the animal went tumbling through the passageway clumsily. The Phantom as well tripped and fell to the floor with a dull thud.

He quickly got to his feet, straightening out his outfit and running a hand through his dark 'hair'.

"All of you, back to your rooms!" he stopped, looking to Piangi eagerly "and you, spherical, obese elephant man, you will be my next victim"

With that, he slid the mirror closed.

"……"

The mirror suddenly reopened and there stood Erik. He cleared his throat, swished his cape dramatically, and once more slid the mirror closed with a slam.

"……"

"Hey, where'd the masked fellow go?" Christine asked, oblivious as usual.

Everyone exchanged glances but all eyes turned back to the little Daae.

Everyone just glared.