TITLE: Do you really want me?
AUTHOR: faith_in_Faith
E-MAIL: faith_in_Faith@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, just borrow them and play : )
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: Up to, and including season five, but to this- and the following chapters- also my story "All that glitters is not gold." So if you haven't read it, you might want to. (It's short ; )) But you don't have to. You can just play along too ; )
AUTHORS NOTE: My thanks to Bee and Schmoo whose shipper brainwash has made this story possible, and to Joey, who isn't just beta-reading this for me, but also teaching me a lot of English! I owe you BIG time!
THANKS everyone for the great reviews! I don't know what to say! You're all too kind! And to bethanychristine, does he love her? Well, time will tell.. ;)
CHAPTER TWO
I can feel myself slowly waking up. I lie completely still for a couple of seconds, trying to determent if I'm in pain or not, but everything feels fine, so I carefully open my eyes. I search the room, and try to figure out if I'm alone or not. Suddenly I spot Fred. He's sitting at the foot of the bed, reading the newspaper. Seeing him here makes me feel uneasy. Like I have something to be ashamed of, and suddenly I realize I have.
The memories come rushing over me, and I know I have screwed up big time. I have been shot because of Bosco. No, that's not right. I have been shot because I chose Bosco-again-although I promised Fred not to. That's not the worst part, though. I want to die when I think about what I said before they took me to surgery. Yeah, I remember. I wish as hell I didn't, but I do. I know I called Bosco's name. I thought I was dying, and the only thing I wanted before doing that, was for him to be OK, alive and unhurt. No, that's not the whole truth. I wanted another thing too. I wanted his precious face to be the last thing I saw, but the only one there was Fred. I can't help but feel grateful- in more then one way- that I'm alive. I sigh. What a mess! How am I ever going to fix this?
The sigh makes Fred to look over at me, and when he sees that I'm awake, he rushes to my side. He takes my hand and looks down at me and says lovingly, "Hi there beautiful."
I can see the tears in his eyes, and it makes me feel incredibly guilty. He loves me so much. I was almost taken from him and the kids, and all I can think of is Bosco- as usual. I wonder if Fred has killed him yet. I'm sure not even Jesus can keep him from blaming Bosco for this.
I can't look at him anymore. I'm too ashamed. I drop my gaze to our joined hands, and suddenly I know for sure he hasn't killed Bosco, because now I remember something else. This isn't the first time I'm awake since the operation, but the last time I was awake someone else sat here and held my hand. The last time Bosco was here. I feel my eyes tearing up. I can't help myself. I'm in a sea of mixed emotions: relief, gratefulness, happiness and shame. I'm happy, grateful and relived that he's OK, and still cares about me, and ashamed because I'm wishing he was still here instead of Fred. He- of course- doesn't know why I'm crying so his conclusion is that I'm scared. He carefully caresses my cheek.
"It's OK baby. I'm here now. No one can harm you as long as I'm around. I'll protect you," he reassures me.
His words only cause more tears to pour from my eyes and run down my cheeks, because I don't want him to say those things. I don't want him to protect me. I want Bosco to do it. The worst thing though, is that his actions bring up another memory -which I know isn't true. It has to be from my imagination, because what I remember is Bosco caressing my cheek. He would never do such thing-not with me. My brain knows there's no way it could have happened the way I think I remember, but my heart is breaking because I want it to be true so badly.
Fred continues to shush me, and I know I have to put myself together. I have to stop thinking about Bosco. I have to stop imagining things, and start to deal with real life- with Fred.
"Honey, are you in pain?" he asks with concern.
I shake my head, and try to get my emotions under control. Fred wipes away the tears from my cheeks and presses the call button.
"I'm gonna let them know you're awake. The doctor needs to check on you, but you don't have to be afraid. I'll stay with you the whole time."
I manage to give him a tiny smile as I say, "Thanks."
"I'm always here for you, baby," he replies and squeezes my hand fondly.
I close my eyes, and hate myself for not being able to love him as much as he loves me. Actually, I don't love him at all. I only love Bosco, and that's a bloody disaster. I wish there was a way to get ride of these feelings. There's no way I'm going to be that lucky though, because I haven't been able to find one in ten years, and I highly doubt it's going to happen now. Suddenly a nurse appears in the doorway.
She smiles kindly at us and says, "So you're awake, Officer Yokas, that's wonderful. I'll get the doctor, OK?"
"Thanks," Fred replies, while I just smile back weakly.
Soon enough the doctor is in the room and starts his examination, poking and prodding all over me. He is very interested in my legs, and he pinches them and things like that. At least he says he does, I don't feel a thing. The fact that I don't, seems to worry both him and Fred, but I don't really care. I'm starting to get tired again, and all I want to do is sleep. If I do, then Bosco might be here when I wake up. That's my last thought before I drift off to sleep.
***************
I can hear the voices of two children talking to each other, and I realize it has to be my kids. I open my eyes and find myself looking straight into my daughter's concerned eyes. I smile weakly at her.
She smiles back and says," Hi mom, how you feeling?"
I swallow and try to clear my throat. It's very dry.
"Are you thirsty?" she asks kindly.
I nod, and she looks apologetically at me. "I'm sorry. The nurse said you can't have anything to drink yet, but I can't wet your lips if you want to."
I nod again, and she gently wet my lips with and ice-cube. When it starts to melt, some of the water sips into my mouth and it feels real good.
She takes it away again, and I smile gratefully at her and say, "I feel OK."
"Good, I'm just gonna go out in the hall and get Dad and Charlie OK?"
I nod and she leaves. A few moments later my whole family enters my room. I can't help the tears from forming in my eyes again. I love my kids so much, and I'm starting to wonder if Bosco really is worth dying for, but I know he is. Unfortunately for my poor family, I would make the same choice again in a heartbeat. No wonder everyone thinks I'm a bad mother.
Charlie hesitantly approaches my bed and says quietly, " Hi mom."
I hold out my hand and smile at him. "Hi there, sweetie!"
His face lit up with a smile and he runs to me, but before he can hug me Fred's stern voice calls from behind, "Careful, Charlie. She's hurt, remember?"
He slows down just as he reaches my bed, but I'm able to catch him with my right arm, and pull him into a hug. I can feel that he's starting to cry. I caress his hair with my free hand and say soothingly, "It's OK, Charlie. It's alright. I'm fine, and everything is OK now."
He pulls away from me and asks in a shaky voice," Are you coming home soon?"
"I don't know, sweetie. We have to ask the doctor; OK?"
He nods and looks unsurely over at Fred.
" That's OK, Charlie. Sit by your mom, you too, Emily. I think it's time to read from the bible, and thank God."
I can't help a slight sigh from escaping my lips, but I quickly suppress the urge to roll my eyes. It's not that I'm not grateful to be alive. I am, and I'm even more grateful that Bosco is alive and unhurt, but this feels like hypocrisy.
I look over at my daughter, who holds my gaze as she smiles and completes the task of eye rolling for me. Her actions catch me by surprise, because the last time I checked she adored Fred and hated me. Now all I can see in her eyes are compassion and understanding. I can't help but wonder what's up. Fred starts to read the bible, and Charlie carefully curls up in bed beside me.
I close my eyes and try to block out Fred. I need to think. I need to come up with a way to drive Bosco away again; which isn't easy since I've already told him I forgive him. I really need to though, because I know- according to what my thoughts have been concentrated on since I woke up- that if I had problems hiding my feelings before, it's nothing compared to what I'm gonna have now. I don't know what's wrong with me. Right now it feels like I can't live another day without him, but I know I have to. There's no other option. I owe Fred and the kids to stay with them- especially after this- and Bosco is definitely better off without me. He might think me needs me-one way or another-but he doesn't love me. If he knew how I feel, he would be long gone by now. Maybe that's the way. It would definitely solve the problem for good, that's for sure, but no, it's to humiliating for me. As the selfish person I am I can't do it. I sigh. I really hate this. I can't find a way out, but I know I have to. Rather before Bosco comes back, otherwise Fred is going to get suspicious again. I sigh one more time, and open my eyes.
When I do, I realize that Emily is gazing intensely at me, and I give her a reassuring smile. She doesn't smile back, but her eyes plead with me to understand something. I try to tell her with my eyes that I understand she wants to tell me something. She shift her gaze to Fred and then back to me again, and I realize she wants to talk to me alone-without Fred listening. I nod slightly to let her know I've understood. I'm starting to feel afraid. What can Emily possibly have done that's so bad she doesn't want Fred to know? At the same time I'm amazed. I can't remember being able to have a conversation without words with anyone, but Bosco before. Maybe Fred was right when he said we are a lot alike. At the time he told me I answered, " Yeah like oil and water," now I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe we really are alike.
Emily looks intensely at me again before turning to Fred.
"Dad, I think mom needs to rest. Why don't you take Charlie to the cafeteria and get him something to eat? I'll stay with mom."
"Yeah, please dad, can we? I'm so hungry!" Charlie exclaims hopefully.
Fred looks worriedly at me. "You tired baby?"
I nod wearily, and close my eyes to show just how tired I am.
"Ok," he says hesitantly. " Are you sure it's OK if I leave? Emily can take him if you want me to stay with you."
I quickly open my eyes and look at him as lovingly as I can, careful about not letting my eager for being alone with my daughter to show, and reply, "Yeah that's OK."
Fred reaches out and takes Charlie's hand, and says, "Emily, I'll bring you back something."
Emily smiles kindly at him." That would be great Dad."
He nods, and they exit the room.
I shift my gaze back to Emily, and reach out my hand as I ask, "Emily, what's wrong?"
She comes over to me, sits down on the edge of my bed, and takes my hand.
"Nothing is wrong,"she answers gently, "but we need to talk- about Bosco."
My heart skips a beat when she says his name. I swallow hard and say weakly, "Emily.."
She immediately cuts me off. "No mom, please be quiet and listen to me, OK?"
I nod, and she looks kindly at me, and asks carefully, "Do you remember that Bosco was here earlier, and sat with you for awhile?"
"Yeah," I answer quietly.
She looks relieved, "OK that's good, because he really cares a lot for you, you know."
"I know," I whisper and fight hard to hold back my tears.
"He really does. He almost started to cry when he saw you," she says with amazement in her voice. "I felt sorry for him. He feels so guilty. He really thinks it's his fault."
"It isn't. He didn't force me to do anything. It's important for me that you understand that, Emily," I say eagerly, although I don't really know why I'm defending him.
It would be much easier to let him take the blame. Defending him the way I do will probably just make Emily hate both of us again, but to my surprise she just squeezes my hand fondly and replies, "I know. I told Dad that when he hit him."
"Did your dad hit him?" I ask anxiously, afraid that Fred had done some serious damage to him.
Emily looks kindly at me as she squeezes my hand again. "Yeah, he did, but don't worry about it. Sully split it up. He didn't get seriously hurt, just a bruise I think, and you can be proud of him. He didn't even try to fight back."
I breathe a sigh in relief and she smiles, but quickly turn serious when she hears Fred and Charlie's voices in the hall.
"I just wanted you to know that he cares about you, in case Dad never let him near you again."
"Why would he not let Bosco near me again? Bosco said he wasn't angry with him anymore," I ask bewildered.
She looks at me, her eyes filled with compassion and something else- pity maybe. Then she opens her moth to respond, but in that moment Fred and Charlie enter the room and she quickly closes it again. I quickly close my eyes and pretend to be asleep, but I can't help but wonder if she knows something I don't.
*****************
It isn't until the next morning I get the explanation. The doctor comes in and stands next to my bed with an uncomfortable look on his face. He shifts his gaze to Fred-, who immediately reaches for my hand-and clears his throat, as he says, "Officer Yokas I'm afraid I have some bad news. The bullet is located very close to your spine and for the moment you're paralyzed."
He continues to talk and explains the whole thing, but I'm not listening anymore. I can't believe I didn't notice it myself, but come to think about it, I haven't tried to move around much. They had me drugged up pretty good, so I was comfortable with just lying here.
I can't get upset about it though. I know I have deserved this. This is my punishment for all the bad choices I have made in my life. It's my punishment for hurting the people I love, but I can't help thinking about Bosco. He's going to feel so guilty. This is totally going to destroy him, and I want to cry when I think about it. Suddenly I realize I do, because the doctor has stopped talking and looks at me with pity in his eyes, and Fred caresses my hair and whispers lovingly in my ear to try to sooth me. I'm more than happy he doesn't know I am crying for Bosco.
In that moment I realize that my punishment is much harder than just being paralyzed. God has giving me the opportunity to drive Bosco away for good. I can pretend that I blame him for this. I can pretend that I hate him. I can tell him to go away. It's the perfect solution, because if the guilt doesn't kill him, it sure as hell going to keep him away. Fred is going to be pleased, and none of them will ever know the truth. It's perfect, and yet so horrible. I know this is going to destroy Bosco, but what no one will ever know is that it's going to destroy me too. How am I ever going to survive a life in a wheelchair without his support? How am I ever going to get through another day, knowing I'll never see him again? The thought makes me cry even harder, and when Fred kisses my face and continues to shush me I can't help, but wish that Bosco was the one doing it, instead.
TBC.
AUTHOR: faith_in_Faith
E-MAIL: faith_in_Faith@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, just borrow them and play : )
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: Up to, and including season five, but to this- and the following chapters- also my story "All that glitters is not gold." So if you haven't read it, you might want to. (It's short ; )) But you don't have to. You can just play along too ; )
AUTHORS NOTE: My thanks to Bee and Schmoo whose shipper brainwash has made this story possible, and to Joey, who isn't just beta-reading this for me, but also teaching me a lot of English! I owe you BIG time!
THANKS everyone for the great reviews! I don't know what to say! You're all too kind! And to bethanychristine, does he love her? Well, time will tell.. ;)
CHAPTER TWO
I can feel myself slowly waking up. I lie completely still for a couple of seconds, trying to determent if I'm in pain or not, but everything feels fine, so I carefully open my eyes. I search the room, and try to figure out if I'm alone or not. Suddenly I spot Fred. He's sitting at the foot of the bed, reading the newspaper. Seeing him here makes me feel uneasy. Like I have something to be ashamed of, and suddenly I realize I have.
The memories come rushing over me, and I know I have screwed up big time. I have been shot because of Bosco. No, that's not right. I have been shot because I chose Bosco-again-although I promised Fred not to. That's not the worst part, though. I want to die when I think about what I said before they took me to surgery. Yeah, I remember. I wish as hell I didn't, but I do. I know I called Bosco's name. I thought I was dying, and the only thing I wanted before doing that, was for him to be OK, alive and unhurt. No, that's not the whole truth. I wanted another thing too. I wanted his precious face to be the last thing I saw, but the only one there was Fred. I can't help but feel grateful- in more then one way- that I'm alive. I sigh. What a mess! How am I ever going to fix this?
The sigh makes Fred to look over at me, and when he sees that I'm awake, he rushes to my side. He takes my hand and looks down at me and says lovingly, "Hi there beautiful."
I can see the tears in his eyes, and it makes me feel incredibly guilty. He loves me so much. I was almost taken from him and the kids, and all I can think of is Bosco- as usual. I wonder if Fred has killed him yet. I'm sure not even Jesus can keep him from blaming Bosco for this.
I can't look at him anymore. I'm too ashamed. I drop my gaze to our joined hands, and suddenly I know for sure he hasn't killed Bosco, because now I remember something else. This isn't the first time I'm awake since the operation, but the last time I was awake someone else sat here and held my hand. The last time Bosco was here. I feel my eyes tearing up. I can't help myself. I'm in a sea of mixed emotions: relief, gratefulness, happiness and shame. I'm happy, grateful and relived that he's OK, and still cares about me, and ashamed because I'm wishing he was still here instead of Fred. He- of course- doesn't know why I'm crying so his conclusion is that I'm scared. He carefully caresses my cheek.
"It's OK baby. I'm here now. No one can harm you as long as I'm around. I'll protect you," he reassures me.
His words only cause more tears to pour from my eyes and run down my cheeks, because I don't want him to say those things. I don't want him to protect me. I want Bosco to do it. The worst thing though, is that his actions bring up another memory -which I know isn't true. It has to be from my imagination, because what I remember is Bosco caressing my cheek. He would never do such thing-not with me. My brain knows there's no way it could have happened the way I think I remember, but my heart is breaking because I want it to be true so badly.
Fred continues to shush me, and I know I have to put myself together. I have to stop thinking about Bosco. I have to stop imagining things, and start to deal with real life- with Fred.
"Honey, are you in pain?" he asks with concern.
I shake my head, and try to get my emotions under control. Fred wipes away the tears from my cheeks and presses the call button.
"I'm gonna let them know you're awake. The doctor needs to check on you, but you don't have to be afraid. I'll stay with you the whole time."
I manage to give him a tiny smile as I say, "Thanks."
"I'm always here for you, baby," he replies and squeezes my hand fondly.
I close my eyes, and hate myself for not being able to love him as much as he loves me. Actually, I don't love him at all. I only love Bosco, and that's a bloody disaster. I wish there was a way to get ride of these feelings. There's no way I'm going to be that lucky though, because I haven't been able to find one in ten years, and I highly doubt it's going to happen now. Suddenly a nurse appears in the doorway.
She smiles kindly at us and says, "So you're awake, Officer Yokas, that's wonderful. I'll get the doctor, OK?"
"Thanks," Fred replies, while I just smile back weakly.
Soon enough the doctor is in the room and starts his examination, poking and prodding all over me. He is very interested in my legs, and he pinches them and things like that. At least he says he does, I don't feel a thing. The fact that I don't, seems to worry both him and Fred, but I don't really care. I'm starting to get tired again, and all I want to do is sleep. If I do, then Bosco might be here when I wake up. That's my last thought before I drift off to sleep.
***************
I can hear the voices of two children talking to each other, and I realize it has to be my kids. I open my eyes and find myself looking straight into my daughter's concerned eyes. I smile weakly at her.
She smiles back and says," Hi mom, how you feeling?"
I swallow and try to clear my throat. It's very dry.
"Are you thirsty?" she asks kindly.
I nod, and she looks apologetically at me. "I'm sorry. The nurse said you can't have anything to drink yet, but I can't wet your lips if you want to."
I nod again, and she gently wet my lips with and ice-cube. When it starts to melt, some of the water sips into my mouth and it feels real good.
She takes it away again, and I smile gratefully at her and say, "I feel OK."
"Good, I'm just gonna go out in the hall and get Dad and Charlie OK?"
I nod and she leaves. A few moments later my whole family enters my room. I can't help the tears from forming in my eyes again. I love my kids so much, and I'm starting to wonder if Bosco really is worth dying for, but I know he is. Unfortunately for my poor family, I would make the same choice again in a heartbeat. No wonder everyone thinks I'm a bad mother.
Charlie hesitantly approaches my bed and says quietly, " Hi mom."
I hold out my hand and smile at him. "Hi there, sweetie!"
His face lit up with a smile and he runs to me, but before he can hug me Fred's stern voice calls from behind, "Careful, Charlie. She's hurt, remember?"
He slows down just as he reaches my bed, but I'm able to catch him with my right arm, and pull him into a hug. I can feel that he's starting to cry. I caress his hair with my free hand and say soothingly, "It's OK, Charlie. It's alright. I'm fine, and everything is OK now."
He pulls away from me and asks in a shaky voice," Are you coming home soon?"
"I don't know, sweetie. We have to ask the doctor; OK?"
He nods and looks unsurely over at Fred.
" That's OK, Charlie. Sit by your mom, you too, Emily. I think it's time to read from the bible, and thank God."
I can't help a slight sigh from escaping my lips, but I quickly suppress the urge to roll my eyes. It's not that I'm not grateful to be alive. I am, and I'm even more grateful that Bosco is alive and unhurt, but this feels like hypocrisy.
I look over at my daughter, who holds my gaze as she smiles and completes the task of eye rolling for me. Her actions catch me by surprise, because the last time I checked she adored Fred and hated me. Now all I can see in her eyes are compassion and understanding. I can't help but wonder what's up. Fred starts to read the bible, and Charlie carefully curls up in bed beside me.
I close my eyes and try to block out Fred. I need to think. I need to come up with a way to drive Bosco away again; which isn't easy since I've already told him I forgive him. I really need to though, because I know- according to what my thoughts have been concentrated on since I woke up- that if I had problems hiding my feelings before, it's nothing compared to what I'm gonna have now. I don't know what's wrong with me. Right now it feels like I can't live another day without him, but I know I have to. There's no other option. I owe Fred and the kids to stay with them- especially after this- and Bosco is definitely better off without me. He might think me needs me-one way or another-but he doesn't love me. If he knew how I feel, he would be long gone by now. Maybe that's the way. It would definitely solve the problem for good, that's for sure, but no, it's to humiliating for me. As the selfish person I am I can't do it. I sigh. I really hate this. I can't find a way out, but I know I have to. Rather before Bosco comes back, otherwise Fred is going to get suspicious again. I sigh one more time, and open my eyes.
When I do, I realize that Emily is gazing intensely at me, and I give her a reassuring smile. She doesn't smile back, but her eyes plead with me to understand something. I try to tell her with my eyes that I understand she wants to tell me something. She shift her gaze to Fred and then back to me again, and I realize she wants to talk to me alone-without Fred listening. I nod slightly to let her know I've understood. I'm starting to feel afraid. What can Emily possibly have done that's so bad she doesn't want Fred to know? At the same time I'm amazed. I can't remember being able to have a conversation without words with anyone, but Bosco before. Maybe Fred was right when he said we are a lot alike. At the time he told me I answered, " Yeah like oil and water," now I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe we really are alike.
Emily looks intensely at me again before turning to Fred.
"Dad, I think mom needs to rest. Why don't you take Charlie to the cafeteria and get him something to eat? I'll stay with mom."
"Yeah, please dad, can we? I'm so hungry!" Charlie exclaims hopefully.
Fred looks worriedly at me. "You tired baby?"
I nod wearily, and close my eyes to show just how tired I am.
"Ok," he says hesitantly. " Are you sure it's OK if I leave? Emily can take him if you want me to stay with you."
I quickly open my eyes and look at him as lovingly as I can, careful about not letting my eager for being alone with my daughter to show, and reply, "Yeah that's OK."
Fred reaches out and takes Charlie's hand, and says, "Emily, I'll bring you back something."
Emily smiles kindly at him." That would be great Dad."
He nods, and they exit the room.
I shift my gaze back to Emily, and reach out my hand as I ask, "Emily, what's wrong?"
She comes over to me, sits down on the edge of my bed, and takes my hand.
"Nothing is wrong,"she answers gently, "but we need to talk- about Bosco."
My heart skips a beat when she says his name. I swallow hard and say weakly, "Emily.."
She immediately cuts me off. "No mom, please be quiet and listen to me, OK?"
I nod, and she looks kindly at me, and asks carefully, "Do you remember that Bosco was here earlier, and sat with you for awhile?"
"Yeah," I answer quietly.
She looks relieved, "OK that's good, because he really cares a lot for you, you know."
"I know," I whisper and fight hard to hold back my tears.
"He really does. He almost started to cry when he saw you," she says with amazement in her voice. "I felt sorry for him. He feels so guilty. He really thinks it's his fault."
"It isn't. He didn't force me to do anything. It's important for me that you understand that, Emily," I say eagerly, although I don't really know why I'm defending him.
It would be much easier to let him take the blame. Defending him the way I do will probably just make Emily hate both of us again, but to my surprise she just squeezes my hand fondly and replies, "I know. I told Dad that when he hit him."
"Did your dad hit him?" I ask anxiously, afraid that Fred had done some serious damage to him.
Emily looks kindly at me as she squeezes my hand again. "Yeah, he did, but don't worry about it. Sully split it up. He didn't get seriously hurt, just a bruise I think, and you can be proud of him. He didn't even try to fight back."
I breathe a sigh in relief and she smiles, but quickly turn serious when she hears Fred and Charlie's voices in the hall.
"I just wanted you to know that he cares about you, in case Dad never let him near you again."
"Why would he not let Bosco near me again? Bosco said he wasn't angry with him anymore," I ask bewildered.
She looks at me, her eyes filled with compassion and something else- pity maybe. Then she opens her moth to respond, but in that moment Fred and Charlie enter the room and she quickly closes it again. I quickly close my eyes and pretend to be asleep, but I can't help but wonder if she knows something I don't.
*****************
It isn't until the next morning I get the explanation. The doctor comes in and stands next to my bed with an uncomfortable look on his face. He shifts his gaze to Fred-, who immediately reaches for my hand-and clears his throat, as he says, "Officer Yokas I'm afraid I have some bad news. The bullet is located very close to your spine and for the moment you're paralyzed."
He continues to talk and explains the whole thing, but I'm not listening anymore. I can't believe I didn't notice it myself, but come to think about it, I haven't tried to move around much. They had me drugged up pretty good, so I was comfortable with just lying here.
I can't get upset about it though. I know I have deserved this. This is my punishment for all the bad choices I have made in my life. It's my punishment for hurting the people I love, but I can't help thinking about Bosco. He's going to feel so guilty. This is totally going to destroy him, and I want to cry when I think about it. Suddenly I realize I do, because the doctor has stopped talking and looks at me with pity in his eyes, and Fred caresses my hair and whispers lovingly in my ear to try to sooth me. I'm more than happy he doesn't know I am crying for Bosco.
In that moment I realize that my punishment is much harder than just being paralyzed. God has giving me the opportunity to drive Bosco away for good. I can pretend that I blame him for this. I can pretend that I hate him. I can tell him to go away. It's the perfect solution, because if the guilt doesn't kill him, it sure as hell going to keep him away. Fred is going to be pleased, and none of them will ever know the truth. It's perfect, and yet so horrible. I know this is going to destroy Bosco, but what no one will ever know is that it's going to destroy me too. How am I ever going to survive a life in a wheelchair without his support? How am I ever going to get through another day, knowing I'll never see him again? The thought makes me cry even harder, and when Fred kisses my face and continues to shush me I can't help, but wish that Bosco was the one doing it, instead.
TBC.