TITLE: Do you really want me?
AUTHOR: faith_in_Faith
E-MAIL: faith_in_Faith@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: I don't own this at all, just borrow.
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: Up to and including season five, plus my story "all that glitters is not gold."
AUTHORS NOTE: Thanks- as usual to Bee, Schmoo and wine-into- water for the shipper inspiration. Thanks also to Sandy for helping me with the details of what happened this season, since I haven't seen it yet : ) Finally: to all your kind people who tell me my English is good. All the credit for that goes to my wonderful beta-readers: The ones I've worn out: Jenny, Carina and ksunsunghero. The one who still struggling to make me better; JOEY! Thanks! I really appreciate the time and effort you put into this : )
CHAPTER THREE
"I'm so sorry," I can hear a voice whisper from far away. It sounds weary, and it's filled with anguish and regret. I know that voice. I know it very well, but in my semiconscious state I can't place it. Then- suddenly- I'm fully awake, and now I know-without any doubt- who whispered those words.
It's Bosco! He's here! I quickly open my eyes, and there he is, my Bosco. This is the man I love to death. The look on his face and in his eyes is heartbreaking, and if I didn't know better I would have thought that he loves me just as much as I love him. All I want to do is to touch his face and pull him into a hug. I want to reassure him that everything is OK. I want to make that pained and guilty look in his eyes go away- but I can't. I have to start the rejecting process. So instead of the love and affection I want to show him, I put an angry and dismissing look on my face.
"What are you doing here? I don't want to see you right now," I say in the annoyed tone of voice that I usually use when I need to keep my love hidden.
I can see a flash of hurt in his eyes, but it quickly disappears. It's replaced with that irresistible, adorable look of faithfulness and affection he shows me occasionally.
"Please, Faith, just listen to me for a minute. We really need to talk." His voice is very gentle when he pleads with me.
"Then talk, " I answer shortly.
"You need to tell them I shot Cruz," he says fervently, and the look in his eye is soft and caring.
"We both did," I reply, and I can hear that the confusion I feel shows in my voice.
"No.I shot Noble. You shot Cruz, and Cruz shot you."
"Cruz shot last?" I whisper in disbelief.
He nods with a sympathetic look in his eyes.
Great! Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I learn that I shot a sergeant, who probably wasn't even a threat. Great, just great, this really is a mess!
Bosco still gazes fondly at me, waiting for me to tell him what I want him to do next. God, sometimes he really acts like a dog! In the same moment I finish the thought, I feel guilty. I know what he's trying to do. He's trying to save me. He's trying to repay me for getting hurt when I was helping him. Some help, huh? Now he's deeper in shit than ever before, but he doesn't seem to care. Instead, he's trying to save me, to be there for me, just as he promised me he always would be- but there's no way this is going to happen the way he wants. I'm not letting him sacrifice his life and career to save me. He needs to be a cop, that's what he lives for. That's the only life he has, and he is going to need his job in order to survive when I drive him away.
So I just say dismissively, "I'm not gonna lie when they ask me. I'm gonna tell them the truth."
He looks pleadingly at me, "Please, Faith, just tell them I shot Cruz and everything will be OK."
Once again, the look in his eyes almost fools me to believe he loves me too, and I want to cry, but instead I just reply softly, "No, it's not gonna be OK."
He doesn't know it yet, but nothing is ever going to be OK again. I'm paralyzed and about to hurt him again, and for him to lose his job- or worse- go to jail is not going to help at all. The look on his face is one of total confusion. He knows there's more to this than what I'm saying, but-of course- he hasn't a clue what about.
Then, all of a sudden, Fred is in the room, and just as I thought, he gets furious when he spots Bosco. He immediately turns around and shouts to the cop at the door, "Take him out of here! I don't want him anywhere near my family!" then he turns to Bosco and yells, "She's paralyzed because of you! Hasn't she done enough to help you already?"
I can't help to roll my eyes at his histrionical behavior. Of course, how could I forget? I should have known that I could count on Fred when it comes to driving Bosco away. He's always mean to him. It's very understandable though- jealousy does that to people.
I can see Bosco freeze and look over at me. The guilt and anguish in his eyes is almost killing me. Then he says with a mix of disbelieve and fear in his voice, "Paralyzed?"
It takes all I have not to cry when the cop at the door drags him out of the room, and the fact that he's pleading with Fred to convince me to save myself, doesn't do anything to ease my pain.
*************************
I'm lying in my bed, flat on my back, staring at the ceiling. So, this is how the rest of my life is going to be? I make a face. This seems like so much fun. I'm bored already, and it has just been a couple of days. I can't imagine how bored I'm going to be in a couple months, or worse, years from now. I sigh, and my thoughts go to Bosco-who else?
He was here again, a few hours ago and asked me if I'd told anyone about all the dirty things Cruz has done. When I told him no, he seemed happy. I guess he thinks he has found another way to get me off the hook. Not that I care that much. I can't do any police work anyway. Bosco got very upset when I told him that. He said they aren't just going to take my job, they are going to put me in jail too, but I still don't care. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life in a wheel chair I might as well do it in jail, but I know it's important to Bosco. If he can save me from jail, then he's going to feel less guilty, and- considering what I'm planning to do to him- he needs any relief he can get. So, for his sake, I hope things are going to work out.
I hear someone talk to the cop outside my door, and then Swersky walks into the room. I can't help but feel a bit surprised. Sure he's my boss, and sure he has every right to visit his wounded officer, but I'm still surprised that he's here.
He approaches my bed with a kind, fatherly expression on his face. I realize that someone probably told him I'm paralyzed, and now he's here to pity me. Well, this is going to be fun! He smiles kindly at me, motions towards the chair next to my bed, and says, " Can I sit down?"
I nod, and force a smile as I reply," Sure."
We look at each other in silence for a while before he asks, "So, how are you doing?"
"Fine, " I answer quietly, not sure about why he's here, or where this conversation is going to end, but I can tell from the look on his face that this isn't just a courtesy call. In some way he means business.
"I'm sorry to hear you're paralyzed," his voice is kind and gentle.
I just nod in return, because there isn't really anything to say.
Then his expression changes, and he looks very serious when he asks, " So, Faith, tell me, what is this really about?"
I can feel my heart starting to beat faster. Now what? Has he found out about the dirty things Cruz made Bosco do? "What do you mean?" I'm trying to stall, and I can tell he knows that.
"Tell me what he has on you to make you do these stupid things for him," he presses gently.
I feel my eyes go wide, and I just stare at him, completely stunned by his words. Why would he ask a thing like that? Does he really think Bosco blackmailed me into this? Before I get a chance to reply, he speaks again, "Please, Faith, tell me."
I swallow hard and try to regain my composure. "Nothing, sir, he has nothing on me," I answer in a shaky voice.
I can tell he doesn't believe me, and why would he? I'm not sounding especially convincing to my own ears, and I can just imagine how lam he must think my reply is.
"Faith, why don't you trust me?" he asks, and the look in his eyes is just as sad as his voice."
"I trust you, sir," I reply quietly.
"Then tell me the truth."
I look down at my hands. "I already have."
"I don't believe you," he states matter of factually.
"Well, I have made a statement. Everything I know is in there, sir," I say, a lot more firmly than before.
"Come on, Yokas! Do you really think I'm that stupid? You're one of my most levelheaded officers. Why would you do anything as stupid as this to save Boscorelli? The things he has done are illegal, and I know you know that."
There is anger in his voice, and I don't know what to say. I don't have an answer to that, at least none I can tell him.
"I owe him," I finally answer softly.
Swersky's features soften, and he looks kindly at me with compassion filled eyes. "I thought so. Now tell me, what does he have on you?"
I realize that he took my answer as a confirmation of what he's suspecting all the time. I feel panic starting to rise inside, and I try desperately to come up with something to say that will convince him that he's wrong. "No, sir, it's not like that. He's my partner."
He immediately cuts me off. "No he isn't. You asked for a new one, remember?"
OK, that hurt, but he's right. We aren't partners anymore.
He runs his hand over his hair and sighs, "Faith, please. Tell me the truth. I know something is going on. I've known it ever since that day. I said you could talk to me if he was in trouble, remember?"
I nod, and look away so he can't see the tears in my eyes. I can't think about that day without crying, because-except for aborting my child-that is the hardest thing I've ever done.
"I wish you had told me the truth," he says tiredly," because then we might have been able to avoid this whole situation. He's always in trouble, isn't he? And you always bail him out, don't you?"
I don't answer, because I don't trust my voice.
He sighs again. "I'm sorry, Faith. I should have known there was something seriously wrong for you to abandon him like that. So, now tell me, what is this all about? Are you afraid of him? Is he threatening you? Because if he does, you don't have to be afraid, I won't let him hurt you."
"No!" I almost scream. "He would never hurt me! He's not bad or dangerous. He's a good guy, and a great cop, and you know that! He just needs to stay away from Cruz, that's all."
This is just too much. It seems as that no matter what I do, I only manage to get Bosco into deeper shit. Now my behavior has caused my boss to think he's blackmailing me, and that I'm afraid of him. I'm almost starting to wish the bullet had just killed me. Everyone around me is better off without me-that's for sure. At least the ones I love. I suddenly feel an enormous pain in my back, and I can feel a cold sweat break out on my forehead.
Swersky looks worriedly at me and asks, "Yokas, are you OK?
I take a deep breath, and nod wearily. "Please, sir, believe me. I'm not afraid of him, and he's not blackmailing me. I swear!"
"OK," he says reluctantly, and I can tell he doesn't really believe me, "but just to be on the safe side I'm gonna keep him away from both you and Cruz. You just try to get better now, OK?"
"Yes, sir, " I answer weakly. It doesn't sound all that bad; at least Cruz can't get him in trouble again if she isn't allowed to work with him.
He nods, and smiles at me. He's eyes are kind and caring when he turns and leaves, and I can hear him murmur to himself, "He has something on her, he must have."
I watch him leave, and I can't help but wonder, if it would have just been better just to tell him the real reason as to why I'll do anything for Bosco, but I doubt that would have solved anything. He probably wouldn't have believed me anyway.
I don't know what to do anymore. Everything seems to be going wrong, but one thing I do know, is that this has to stop now. The next time Bosco comes to see me is going to be the last. I have to put an end to this before it gets completely out of hand. It's obvious that I can't help him, so I'll better let him go and concentrate on the only thing that should matter-my family.
***********
The last moment comes way too quickly. Suddenly, he's in the room, and I hear his precious voice call my name, "Faith."
I can feel Fred tense beside me. I look up and meet Bosco's eyes. They are filled with compassion, guilt and hope. He hopes that his next statement is going to make me forgive him.
"It worked.she backed off."
"Good," I say tiredly.
OK, so this is it. Now it's going to end. This is the last time I'll ever speak to him, or have him near me. I look at him and try to memorize every line in his face, but I know there's no need for that. I already know them. I've been looking at him for ten years. I know everything about how his face looks. I take a deep breath, and look over at Fred to get the strength I need to get through this, and- just as I hoped- the look in his eyes reminds me why I have to do this.
"Now go away," I say causally. I know I sound like I don't really care, but I do.
I can see the look of shock on this face, and the hurt look in his eyes is probably going to hunt me until I die, but there's no turning back now. This is best for all of us. It has to be, but right now it hurts so much I wish I could die. I can only hope that I'm doing the right thing, and that my actions don't hurt him as much as they hurt me.
TBC..
AUTHOR: faith_in_Faith
E-MAIL: faith_in_Faith@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: I don't own this at all, just borrow.
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: Up to and including season five, plus my story "all that glitters is not gold."
AUTHORS NOTE: Thanks- as usual to Bee, Schmoo and wine-into- water for the shipper inspiration. Thanks also to Sandy for helping me with the details of what happened this season, since I haven't seen it yet : ) Finally: to all your kind people who tell me my English is good. All the credit for that goes to my wonderful beta-readers: The ones I've worn out: Jenny, Carina and ksunsunghero. The one who still struggling to make me better; JOEY! Thanks! I really appreciate the time and effort you put into this : )
CHAPTER THREE
"I'm so sorry," I can hear a voice whisper from far away. It sounds weary, and it's filled with anguish and regret. I know that voice. I know it very well, but in my semiconscious state I can't place it. Then- suddenly- I'm fully awake, and now I know-without any doubt- who whispered those words.
It's Bosco! He's here! I quickly open my eyes, and there he is, my Bosco. This is the man I love to death. The look on his face and in his eyes is heartbreaking, and if I didn't know better I would have thought that he loves me just as much as I love him. All I want to do is to touch his face and pull him into a hug. I want to reassure him that everything is OK. I want to make that pained and guilty look in his eyes go away- but I can't. I have to start the rejecting process. So instead of the love and affection I want to show him, I put an angry and dismissing look on my face.
"What are you doing here? I don't want to see you right now," I say in the annoyed tone of voice that I usually use when I need to keep my love hidden.
I can see a flash of hurt in his eyes, but it quickly disappears. It's replaced with that irresistible, adorable look of faithfulness and affection he shows me occasionally.
"Please, Faith, just listen to me for a minute. We really need to talk." His voice is very gentle when he pleads with me.
"Then talk, " I answer shortly.
"You need to tell them I shot Cruz," he says fervently, and the look in his eye is soft and caring.
"We both did," I reply, and I can hear that the confusion I feel shows in my voice.
"No.I shot Noble. You shot Cruz, and Cruz shot you."
"Cruz shot last?" I whisper in disbelief.
He nods with a sympathetic look in his eyes.
Great! Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I learn that I shot a sergeant, who probably wasn't even a threat. Great, just great, this really is a mess!
Bosco still gazes fondly at me, waiting for me to tell him what I want him to do next. God, sometimes he really acts like a dog! In the same moment I finish the thought, I feel guilty. I know what he's trying to do. He's trying to save me. He's trying to repay me for getting hurt when I was helping him. Some help, huh? Now he's deeper in shit than ever before, but he doesn't seem to care. Instead, he's trying to save me, to be there for me, just as he promised me he always would be- but there's no way this is going to happen the way he wants. I'm not letting him sacrifice his life and career to save me. He needs to be a cop, that's what he lives for. That's the only life he has, and he is going to need his job in order to survive when I drive him away.
So I just say dismissively, "I'm not gonna lie when they ask me. I'm gonna tell them the truth."
He looks pleadingly at me, "Please, Faith, just tell them I shot Cruz and everything will be OK."
Once again, the look in his eyes almost fools me to believe he loves me too, and I want to cry, but instead I just reply softly, "No, it's not gonna be OK."
He doesn't know it yet, but nothing is ever going to be OK again. I'm paralyzed and about to hurt him again, and for him to lose his job- or worse- go to jail is not going to help at all. The look on his face is one of total confusion. He knows there's more to this than what I'm saying, but-of course- he hasn't a clue what about.
Then, all of a sudden, Fred is in the room, and just as I thought, he gets furious when he spots Bosco. He immediately turns around and shouts to the cop at the door, "Take him out of here! I don't want him anywhere near my family!" then he turns to Bosco and yells, "She's paralyzed because of you! Hasn't she done enough to help you already?"
I can't help to roll my eyes at his histrionical behavior. Of course, how could I forget? I should have known that I could count on Fred when it comes to driving Bosco away. He's always mean to him. It's very understandable though- jealousy does that to people.
I can see Bosco freeze and look over at me. The guilt and anguish in his eyes is almost killing me. Then he says with a mix of disbelieve and fear in his voice, "Paralyzed?"
It takes all I have not to cry when the cop at the door drags him out of the room, and the fact that he's pleading with Fred to convince me to save myself, doesn't do anything to ease my pain.
*************************
I'm lying in my bed, flat on my back, staring at the ceiling. So, this is how the rest of my life is going to be? I make a face. This seems like so much fun. I'm bored already, and it has just been a couple of days. I can't imagine how bored I'm going to be in a couple months, or worse, years from now. I sigh, and my thoughts go to Bosco-who else?
He was here again, a few hours ago and asked me if I'd told anyone about all the dirty things Cruz has done. When I told him no, he seemed happy. I guess he thinks he has found another way to get me off the hook. Not that I care that much. I can't do any police work anyway. Bosco got very upset when I told him that. He said they aren't just going to take my job, they are going to put me in jail too, but I still don't care. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life in a wheel chair I might as well do it in jail, but I know it's important to Bosco. If he can save me from jail, then he's going to feel less guilty, and- considering what I'm planning to do to him- he needs any relief he can get. So, for his sake, I hope things are going to work out.
I hear someone talk to the cop outside my door, and then Swersky walks into the room. I can't help but feel a bit surprised. Sure he's my boss, and sure he has every right to visit his wounded officer, but I'm still surprised that he's here.
He approaches my bed with a kind, fatherly expression on his face. I realize that someone probably told him I'm paralyzed, and now he's here to pity me. Well, this is going to be fun! He smiles kindly at me, motions towards the chair next to my bed, and says, " Can I sit down?"
I nod, and force a smile as I reply," Sure."
We look at each other in silence for a while before he asks, "So, how are you doing?"
"Fine, " I answer quietly, not sure about why he's here, or where this conversation is going to end, but I can tell from the look on his face that this isn't just a courtesy call. In some way he means business.
"I'm sorry to hear you're paralyzed," his voice is kind and gentle.
I just nod in return, because there isn't really anything to say.
Then his expression changes, and he looks very serious when he asks, " So, Faith, tell me, what is this really about?"
I can feel my heart starting to beat faster. Now what? Has he found out about the dirty things Cruz made Bosco do? "What do you mean?" I'm trying to stall, and I can tell he knows that.
"Tell me what he has on you to make you do these stupid things for him," he presses gently.
I feel my eyes go wide, and I just stare at him, completely stunned by his words. Why would he ask a thing like that? Does he really think Bosco blackmailed me into this? Before I get a chance to reply, he speaks again, "Please, Faith, tell me."
I swallow hard and try to regain my composure. "Nothing, sir, he has nothing on me," I answer in a shaky voice.
I can tell he doesn't believe me, and why would he? I'm not sounding especially convincing to my own ears, and I can just imagine how lam he must think my reply is.
"Faith, why don't you trust me?" he asks, and the look in his eyes is just as sad as his voice."
"I trust you, sir," I reply quietly.
"Then tell me the truth."
I look down at my hands. "I already have."
"I don't believe you," he states matter of factually.
"Well, I have made a statement. Everything I know is in there, sir," I say, a lot more firmly than before.
"Come on, Yokas! Do you really think I'm that stupid? You're one of my most levelheaded officers. Why would you do anything as stupid as this to save Boscorelli? The things he has done are illegal, and I know you know that."
There is anger in his voice, and I don't know what to say. I don't have an answer to that, at least none I can tell him.
"I owe him," I finally answer softly.
Swersky's features soften, and he looks kindly at me with compassion filled eyes. "I thought so. Now tell me, what does he have on you?"
I realize that he took my answer as a confirmation of what he's suspecting all the time. I feel panic starting to rise inside, and I try desperately to come up with something to say that will convince him that he's wrong. "No, sir, it's not like that. He's my partner."
He immediately cuts me off. "No he isn't. You asked for a new one, remember?"
OK, that hurt, but he's right. We aren't partners anymore.
He runs his hand over his hair and sighs, "Faith, please. Tell me the truth. I know something is going on. I've known it ever since that day. I said you could talk to me if he was in trouble, remember?"
I nod, and look away so he can't see the tears in my eyes. I can't think about that day without crying, because-except for aborting my child-that is the hardest thing I've ever done.
"I wish you had told me the truth," he says tiredly," because then we might have been able to avoid this whole situation. He's always in trouble, isn't he? And you always bail him out, don't you?"
I don't answer, because I don't trust my voice.
He sighs again. "I'm sorry, Faith. I should have known there was something seriously wrong for you to abandon him like that. So, now tell me, what is this all about? Are you afraid of him? Is he threatening you? Because if he does, you don't have to be afraid, I won't let him hurt you."
"No!" I almost scream. "He would never hurt me! He's not bad or dangerous. He's a good guy, and a great cop, and you know that! He just needs to stay away from Cruz, that's all."
This is just too much. It seems as that no matter what I do, I only manage to get Bosco into deeper shit. Now my behavior has caused my boss to think he's blackmailing me, and that I'm afraid of him. I'm almost starting to wish the bullet had just killed me. Everyone around me is better off without me-that's for sure. At least the ones I love. I suddenly feel an enormous pain in my back, and I can feel a cold sweat break out on my forehead.
Swersky looks worriedly at me and asks, "Yokas, are you OK?
I take a deep breath, and nod wearily. "Please, sir, believe me. I'm not afraid of him, and he's not blackmailing me. I swear!"
"OK," he says reluctantly, and I can tell he doesn't really believe me, "but just to be on the safe side I'm gonna keep him away from both you and Cruz. You just try to get better now, OK?"
"Yes, sir, " I answer weakly. It doesn't sound all that bad; at least Cruz can't get him in trouble again if she isn't allowed to work with him.
He nods, and smiles at me. He's eyes are kind and caring when he turns and leaves, and I can hear him murmur to himself, "He has something on her, he must have."
I watch him leave, and I can't help but wonder, if it would have just been better just to tell him the real reason as to why I'll do anything for Bosco, but I doubt that would have solved anything. He probably wouldn't have believed me anyway.
I don't know what to do anymore. Everything seems to be going wrong, but one thing I do know, is that this has to stop now. The next time Bosco comes to see me is going to be the last. I have to put an end to this before it gets completely out of hand. It's obvious that I can't help him, so I'll better let him go and concentrate on the only thing that should matter-my family.
***********
The last moment comes way too quickly. Suddenly, he's in the room, and I hear his precious voice call my name, "Faith."
I can feel Fred tense beside me. I look up and meet Bosco's eyes. They are filled with compassion, guilt and hope. He hopes that his next statement is going to make me forgive him.
"It worked.she backed off."
"Good," I say tiredly.
OK, so this is it. Now it's going to end. This is the last time I'll ever speak to him, or have him near me. I look at him and try to memorize every line in his face, but I know there's no need for that. I already know them. I've been looking at him for ten years. I know everything about how his face looks. I take a deep breath, and look over at Fred to get the strength I need to get through this, and- just as I hoped- the look in his eyes reminds me why I have to do this.
"Now go away," I say causally. I know I sound like I don't really care, but I do.
I can see the look of shock on this face, and the hurt look in his eyes is probably going to hunt me until I die, but there's no turning back now. This is best for all of us. It has to be, but right now it hurts so much I wish I could die. I can only hope that I'm doing the right thing, and that my actions don't hurt him as much as they hurt me.
TBC..