There was a Boy

By Passo

Author's Note: For the Battlefields of Slash Quote Challenge (#17). I wanted to get back to my roots here and write an H/D with the feel of the first fics that I wrote. It's quite amazing to think that I've been writing fanfic for three years. For having a majority of fics written during the pre-OotP and pre-HBP period, I must be officially an "old" author. Yikes! lol

An innumerable host,
Many a rational man will swear,
Congregate around the ghost
Of a love no longer there.

Bruce Dawe,
By as Little as a Look

Harry Potter had spent his seventeenth birthday on the trail of a Horcrux. Now, he was almost eighteen and he didn't feel any different. Certainly, nothing much had changed: Voldemort was alive, he was separated from his friends due to different assignments, and he was still on the trail of a Horcrux--albeit a different one this time.

He had sacrificed much from his life, including his youth. He almost forgot how it felt to relax, to have fun, and talk without care. But he had also killed the most Death Eaters and, for that, he felt satisfied and thought that was enough.

And there was one change... two, actually. Just last month, Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy had switched sides. Or, rather, Snape had claimed that he had been working for the Order all along, but he had to spy on the Dark Lord and protect Draco at the same time, which was why he pretended to be a Death Eater.

What Harry felt about Snape's return was of no consequence. He wasn't around to see the two at the time and the supposedly wiser ones--meaning McGonagall, Lupin, and company--had made the decision to accept their explanation after a series of trials and much Veritaserum (or so Harry hoped). Personally, he would have loved to interrogate Snape himself without wands or potions or any fancy stuff, just fists. But he doubted if the others would let him. Anyway, it was out of his hands.

Which brought Harry to where he was right now. Perhaps to appease him for not letting him partake in the decision-making, they assigned him a partner. That was the second change: he no longer worked alone. Admittedly, he didn't like the idea, but there was little he could do about it without blatantly disobeying orders.

And, as he prepared his bed, he shot a venomous look at his partner before turning in. "If only we could afford separate rooms," he muttered under his breath.

"Did you say something?" Draco Malfoy asked blandly from the other bed. He was already under the covers, tucked-in with only his head peeking out of the covers.

If he wasn't so hateful, Harry would have described him as endearing. He frowned at the sound of Draco's voice. "I was complaining about the budget they allotted. We should have separate rooms."

"Well, then I suppose you're stuck with me." The head disappeared under the green and red checked comforter. "Good night."

Harry felt like strangling him.

He expected it to be worse. For the most part, Draco was quite helpful (though he hated to admit it). He was also mostly quiet--unresponsive even to Harry's less subtle barbs. It was difficult and stressful enough to travel all over Europe to collect memories to track down the last two Horcruxes without having to worry about one's own partner. Until the time came that Harry got used to his presence and no longer felt like burning their shared rooms at the inns they stayed in.

"Don't touch that bag!" he said sharply as Draco reached down for Harry's pack.

"I was just trying to help," Draco replied. He cocked his head and watched Harry curiously. "You still don't trust me, do you?"

"It's a little hard to trust someone like you," he replied curtly as he carefully checked the tiny bottles with the silver strands of memories before placing them in a padded box.

Draco paled but chose ignore the insult. Harry hoped that he felt the slightest twinge of guilt.

"Where are we going?" Draco asked much later. It had been this way for the two weeks they've been together: he just basically followed Harry wherever he went, sleeping in the same room, eating on the same table, but never talking--at least not about the things that mattered. In a way, it relieved Draco. He was tired of carrying certain responsibilities. He stared out of the window listlessly, waiting for the other's answer.

"Back to Hogwarts." Harry waited for a reaction, and when he got none, he continued, "I thought you would be pleased."

"I am," Draco answered. He turned his head and glanced at Harry. For the first time in two weeks, there was an avid gleam in his eye (or was it Harry's imagination?). "Are you? The Weasley girl will be there."

Hearing him refer to Ginny as the Weasley girl brought back all of his hatred and dislike towards the old Draco. Perhaps he didn't really change. And he thought the year with Voldemort had taken the spirit out of him. Not bothering to reply, Harry grabbed his pack and walked out, slamming the door behind him.

The Slytherin was right about one thing: he was looking forward to seeing Ginny again. Of course, he was also apprehensive about their meeting. On the train ride, he rehearsed the lines he planned to say over and over, not even taking the time to eat and fill his fluttering stomach with solid food. He wondered how she looked now; he hadn't seen her for almost a year. If it wasn't for Draco, he wouldn't have known that she was assigned to work in Hogwarts as a volunteer assistant to the Healers who tended the injured Aurors. Apparently, St. Mungo's was no longer safe for Voldemort's enemies.

"Harry, why are we traveling like Muggles," Draco whispered, bringing Harry back to the present. "I can Apparate."

"We're not licensed." As soon as the words were out, he realized how silly they were. Who cared about licenses now at this troubled time? They had Apparated many times before. Draco seemed to have noticed his faux pas and was now looking at him with a puzzled expression. "I meant we'll be more difficult to trace this way," Harry added. The truth was he needed time to think about Ginny.

"If you say so," Draco said before looking away. He went back to staring at the passing scenery outside the window.

For once, Harry wasn't annoyed to hear him speak.

The first time he saw her again, he was amazed. Her hair was longer, she had grown taller... she remained the same, but there were little changes that made her more beautiful than he remembered her to be.

She didn't see him; she was too busy holding hands with Dean Thomas to notice anyone else.

"Come, you're tired. McGonagall will want to see you as soon as she's free," Draco whispered.

Harry didn't seem to hear, so Draco took his partner's hand and pulled him inside the castle, leaving the lovers to themselves outside, oblivious to the two young men who just arrived. He had an idea what Harry felt, but Draco could not help but feel a little envious. At least those two had something to live for.

As for Harry, he barely registered the fact that it was the first time that Draco touched him.

They had the rest of the night to themselves--it was the least they could be given after weeks of hard work.

"I loved her, you know," Harry whispered brokenly through the bottle of Firewhiskey that stood between them like a wall. Through it, Draco seemed blurred. Unreal. "She was the first girl I ever loved."

"Do you still love her?" Draco asked quietly. He was curious; he had never known any girl or woman this way. He was wondering how it would be for him when the time came. Perhaps he would be the one sitting in Harry's place, trying to forget with the help of another potent drink. Maybe he could even be worse.

Harry slammed his fist on the table. "Of course I do! Would I feel this bad if I didn't?" His head landed near his hand and he started snoring soon after.

Draco shook his head and dragged him to bed. They were in the Slytherin dorms--Harry refused to see Dean or Ginny in his old rooms.

Later, Harry dreamed of her. He saw her laughing, tilting her head the way she always did when she was happy, her hair shining in the sunlight. But mostly, he saw her hands. Her fingers were caressing Dean's slowly, slowly... until he could no longer take the pain of each stroke and he woke up.

He blinked at the dim room and thought he saw Draco standing before him. The blond boy was facing the mirror without his shirt on. Staring at the mirror, Harry thought there was something odd about his reflection, but the Firewhiskey-induced sleep claimed him again before he could ask Draco exactly what it was that he saw.

The next day, Harry forgot all about the mirror as he prepared to leave.

"How long will you be gone?" Draco asked, leaning on the bedpost in his green dressing gown.

"A week. Maybe two." He glanced up at his partner, reading nothing in his blank expression. "I don't mean to leave you like this. It's just that," he sighed, "I need some time on my own. The work would do me good."

Draco merely stared.

"Please understand." Why was he pleading? The last thing he wanted was to have a misplaced sense of gratitude towards a Malfoy. "I can't stay in this place with her here."

"I do." Draco looked down.

The light through the windows brightened the room, especially since Draco had drawn the drapes. For the first time, Harry noticed how thin Draco had become. He had lost so much weight that he looked practically lanky, his cheekbones more pronounced under hollowed eyes. No wonder he looked paler than usual.

"Take care of yourself," he added hesitantly, almost as an afterthought, before walking out of the room.

Draco exhaled the breath he was holding as soon as the sound of Harry's steps faded outside. He checked the urge to look out the window to see his form one last time before he left. He had to believe that he would be coming back.

It's funny how difficult it had become to put faith in such a simple promise.

He felt restless while traveling alone. Perhaps he had become so used to another person's presence during the few weeks that he had a partner--even if the said partner was Draco Malfoy.

The first night, he stayed awake until morning, unable to sleep in a room that felt constricting and cramped. The next day, he moved to another inn and prayed that it would help. When it didn't, he caused the innkeeper's brows to rise by changing his booking to a double room. He found that if he stuffed some pillows under the checked sheets of the spare bed, it helped his insomnia somehow.

When he was alone, he occasionally tried to picture Draco's face in his mind and failed. With rising panic, he realized that he couldn't remember Draco's eyes, nose, or even the exact color or his hair. He couldn't envision the image of his partner's face even when he concentrated with his eyes closed. But he also found that he saw Draco in almost everybody; whenever he heard someone who laughed the same way, had the same voice, or heard the words "If you say so" in exactly the same way Draco said them, Harry would turn his head and expect to find him standing not far from him. Belatedly, he would remember that he had left him in Hogwarts.

He was glad that work kept him distracted sometimes.

"Harry!"

He smiled at her bright eyes as she rushed to meet him, her long ponytail bouncing behind her. "I'm so happy to see you back. I heard you returned a few days ago but you left again before I could even say hello."

"Something urgent came up," he answered smoothly. He found it much easier to lie these days.

"Could you take the time to have dinner with me later tonight." She pressed her fingers on his arm, smiling archly. "We have so many things to talk about."

He wondered who she'd find next after Dean, who she'd spend her time with when she found that he could no longer give her what she needed. He wondered what to say when he discovered that her touch no longer burned.

He shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, Gin. I have to meet with my partner and discuss the Horcruxes. I'll be busy for a few days." He almost sounded sincere, even to himself.

"Perhaps another time, then?" Her smile faltered.

"Yes," he replied. He felt a twinge of regret as he watched her retreating back. They had something special going on--but that was one lifetime ago.

Besides, she had forgotten to say something important. Something she should have remembered if she loved him.

"You said you'd be gone for a week."

"Four days were all I needed." Four days were all I could take. Harry took a box out of his bag and handed it to Draco. The blond boy received it reverently and gave him an anxious look.

"You managed to retrieve the missing memories?"

"Open it." Harry smiled.

"You never let me touch them before," Draco whispered. Without opening the lid, he put the box down gently on the bedside table. He didn't dare look at Harry as he said the next words, "I couldn't go out to get you something, but I want to greet you anyway. Happy birthday."

Harry's heart thundered in his chest but he managed to reply just as calmly, "Thank you." Before Draco could turn away, he grabbed the Slytherin's arm urgently. "There's something else I have to ask you. But I think I already know the answer to that."

Eyes wide, Draco could only stare as Harry undid the clasps of his robe, one by one, starting from his collar. He bit his lip as the dark-haired boy's eyes widened in shock as Draco's naked torso was finally revealed.

Harry paled. "I had suspected. But I didn't realize it was this bad." What had Voldemort done to him? Four days ago, the reflection had not been clear in the darkened room. But now, in broad daylight, the evidence of Draco's suffering was right before his eyes.

Tears stung Draco's eyes as he spoke, "He put it there. He used it to control me. He thought that threats on my parents' safety were insufficient so he made a way to hurt me every time I dared to disobey him." Spastic fingers touched his belly, where the mark of the serpent branded his skin. "It burns. But I left when my parents died. I convinced Professor Snape that I could take the pain."

Draco's body was painfully thin under the robe and Harry could hardly breathe as he watched Draco's ribs jutting out under the black mark on his chest. He couldn't believe the extent of the sacrifice Draco had given. "It hurt you... every moment you spent with me was painful." It was difficult to get the words out.

"I could take it." Draco pulled his robe shut and quickly buttoned his robes to hide his secret. "I would rather feel pain all my life than go through the past year all over again."

"We'll find a way to take it off," Harry promised.

Draco nodded mutely. He knew that a sure way to remove it would be to kill Voldemort. But if there was another way, then, with Harry's help, he would find it. For the first time since he arrived in Hogwarts with Snape, he no longer felt alone.

Pulling him close, Harry held Draco in his arms, his lips touching his temple. "I'm sorry," he said, his breath displacing several blond hairs on Draco's head. "I won't leave you again."

Draco smiled. A searing sensation burned his skin, but he ignored it. The pain didn't matter.

Now that they had each other.

FIN
September 2005

A/N: Please review if you read it. It keeps me from languishing in hp-writing purgatory. :)