TITLE: Do you really want me?
AUTHOR: faith_in_Faith
E-MAIL: faith_in_Faith@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: None! I don't own this : (
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: Up to, and including season five, and my story "All that glitters is not gold."
AUTHORS NOTE: THANKS! To all of you who are reviewing this! I owe you! Please continue with that : ) Thanks also to Sandy for helping me with the lines, and to Joey for beta-reading this and to Cactus for all your nice compliments on my English. Now on with the story!
CHAPTER FOUR.
So, then I'm finally at home. There was no sweet homecoming though - it turned out to be pretty awful actually. I'm completely dependent on Fred. I can't do one single thing on my own. Not even go to the bathroom. It's so humiliating. I'm not used to being this helpless, and at the complete mercy of someone else. I'm used to be the strong one - the one people turn to for help. I'm used to being able to take care of myself. Now everything is different. Suddenly, I'm the one everybody has to take care of - and just to add to it - I'm close to tears all the time, just as these weak, hysterical women that Bosco hates. What he thinks doesn't matter anymore though, because he's gone, and I was the one who drove him away.
I hear the door open, and Emily enters the room and comes over to me. I smile at her, as I take her hand and say, "Hi. I thought you had forgotten about me."
She looks inquiringly at me before asking, "Did you know Bosco is parked outside, with some girl, in front of the house?"
"Yeah, my boss thinks it's a good idea to have a squad car out in front of the house of a wounded officer - in case the family needs anything," I answer nonchalantly, as if I don't care, but I do. The truth is, my heart started to race in my chest when I heard his name. I knew the squad was there, but I didn't know he was the one in there with Monroe. I thought Swersky was supposed to keep him away from me.
"Dad's gonna have a cow," she states simply.
I look at her and try to find the silent understanding we shared at the hospital, as I say, "Well, lets not tell him."
She doesn't disappoint me. I can see the understanding in her eyes, and then she nods. Suddenly, the sound of the doorbell rings through the apartment, and Emily almost jumps out of her skin. She turns to look at me with frightened eyes and hesitantly asks, " He wouldn't.would he?"
"No," I say reassuringly.
I know she doesn't have to worry. I have made sure he'll never come back again. She goes and opens the door and I can hear my mother in law's voice. I close my eyes. Great, now my day is complete!
*********************
God, how I wish that awful woman would go away! I just can't stand this for much longer! I don't want her help. I have never liked her, and now I almost hate her. I hate the way she's fussing around, and I hate the way she's talking to me like I am mentally incapable as well. Fred has been very nice and understanding so far, but it doesn't help. I hate to being totally dependent of him, and I'm scared to death that he will get tired of being my nurse and leave me. Then I will be completely alone, because the only other person I could always depend on standing by my side through anything, is gone. I drove him away and he's not going to come back. He's feeling guilty enough to obey my wishes this time. I close my eyes and try to hold back my tears. I miss him so much. I knew from the beginning, living without him was going to be hard - but I had no idea just how hard.
Although my lovely family surrounds me - I feel lonely. Fred, Emily and Charlie, they have all been very supportive and caring - and I love them - but still I feel lonely. Just when I think I'm going to break down and cry, Emily walks into the room again. She smiles this kind, sweet smile of hers that's so common these days, and says, "Hi, Mom."
"Hi," I answer, and try to keep my voice steady.
She looks worriedly at me. "You OK?"
I nod. "Yeah, I'm OK."
She looks at me with doubtful eyes. "Are you sure? You don't need a painkiller? Bosco and his new partner took me to the pharmacy so I could pick them up," she says, and holds up a bag from the pharmacy in front of me.
I shake my head and answer, "No, I'm fine." I can hear that my voice sounds a bit shaky, and my heart aces from hearing the words 'new partner." I swallow hard and remind myself that -I - did this to myself, no one else.
Emily looks intensely at me for a few seconds, and then she asks softly, "You miss him a lot, don't you?"
I close my eyes tightly. Shit! I forgot about her new ability of being able to read my mind.
"Come on, Mom. It's me," she coaxes gently, "I won't tell Dad, I promise."
I swallow hard and open my eyes again. "Yeah, I guess I am," I whisper.
She frowns slightly. "Why did you do it then? Why did you tell him to go away if you didn't want him to?"
I bite my bottom lip and answer," It's hard to explain, Em. I was angry with him, I guess."
"I don't believe you. You said it wasn't his fault," she replies calmly.
I look down at my hands. Why does she suddenly have to be so smart and caring? It only makes things worse. "I can't explain it. You wouldn't understand," I say wearily.
"Does it have anything to do with Dad?" she asks softly.
"Yeah, I owe it to him," I answer quietly.
Emily puts her hands on my shoulders, and smiles fondly at me. "It's OK, Mom. He'll come around, and then you can ask Bosco to come back. Everything is gonna be alright. You just wait and see."
"I don't think it's that simple, Em," I reply, and I can hear the sorrow in my voice.
"Mom, Dad is a good guy and he loves you. He knows how much Bosco means to you. I'm sure he'll come around eventually, especially since you chose him this time."
I can feel my heart starting to beat faster. What does she think she knows? She can't tell that I love Bosco, can she? It can't be - because then this is going to end up in a disaster. I know that.
"What makes you think he made me choose?" I ask carefully.
"Isn't that what he has always tried to make you do? Chose between us and Bosco, I mean," she states simply.
"Emily," I say pleadingly, "It's not like you think.."
She cuts me off. "It's OK, Mom, you don't have to explain. Dad is happy now, and he will forgive both of you eventually, I know that. Don't worry about it, and it's nice of you to try to make him happy. I love you for it," she says and smiles fondly at me.
"Thanks, " I answer, and try to put a smile on my face that will convince her that everything is OK, and that there aren't any dark secrets to explore.
"And don't worry about Bosco - he seems to be OK, and I know he still cares about you."
I feel a mix of joy and despair. Joy, because he's OK - despite what I have done to him - and despair because he still cares about me. He isn't supposed to, but I'm still happy he does. God, I really am pathetic. I force another smile on my face and say, "Thanks, Em, for letting me know."
She smiles back and replies, "He gave me his cell phone number too. If you need to talk to him - just ask to borrow my cell phone. I have his number on speed dial #6."
Her voice is so kind and caring that I want to cry, "Thanks, but it's OK, " I whisper.
She smiles once more and leaves me alone, I wonder when she got so smart and grown up.
*************
I sit in my wheelchair and let my mother spoon feed me - like I am a child. I don't care anymore. I don't have the strength to try anymore. Life without Bosco is far more terrible than I could ever imagine. I feel so incredibly lonely.
When I see my therapist, I pretend to be mad at him. I pretend that I feel betrayed - and in a way I do - but I have to remember that I was the one who betrayed him this time. I'm not really mad either. It's just a cover to hide my grief. Yeah, I'm grieving. I have lost something. I have lost my best friend and soul mate. I have lost the love of my life. I feel so horribly lonely without him that it feels like he is dead, and I'm totally devastated.
It is like all the strength I had before, was because of him - and now, now that he's gone, I'm just weak, pathetic and totally dependent, but it doesn't matter anymore. I don't need any strength. I can't be a cop anymore, and Fred seems to like to have a wife that's totally at his mercy. Don't get me wrong - he's wonderful and caring, but all these years we have been together, he has always wished for me to be at home - waiting for him. He has always wanted to protect me, and it has always annoyed him that Bosco was the one doing that. This - except for me being paralyzed - is exactly what he's always wanted. So, he isn't complaining, and I don't have to be strong in order to take care of and protect Bosco anymore either. He seems to be doing just fine without me. He doesn't even seem to miss me.
Emily says that- judging from the few times she has seen him - he seems to be perfectly all right. He and Sasha seem to get along just fine - at least that's what she tells me at during her occasional visits. He seems to trust her just as much as he used to trust me. I know I should be happy and proud. I should be happy because he's been able to get over my betrayal, and find some one else to trust - and I was right. He isn't stupid. Just as I thought he would, he made a much better choice of partner when he didn't have to run to get away from me anymore. I should be proud of both of us. We both made the right choice - but I can't be. The jealousy is eating me alive. I want him to be mine - only mine. I must be insane, because no matter how things are, I want them to be the other way around.
What bothers me the most, though, is that he and Cruz seem to get along fine too. Sasha told me that Cruz had been raped, and that actually made me feel sorry for her. I never would have thought that was going to happen in a lifetime - but I did. No one deserves a thing like that -not even Cruz. But when Sasha started to tell me how great Cruz and Bosco where getting along, and how nice he was to her - even asked her out for dinner - I wanted to scream.
I felt sick. For a brief moment I even thought she got raped on purpose - just to be able to ensnare him in her toils again. It's an absurd and cruel thought, I know, but the power she has over him is so frustrating. Why can't he see her for what she is? How can he even think about socializing with her after all that had happen? Sometimes I almost think she has bewitched him, but I guess the simple truth is that he actually loves her - really loves her. He's not just using her for sex.. figures, that when he finally falls in love with someone, it has to be with a bitch. When he finally falls in love it has to be with someone else, other than me.
There's nothing I can do about it, though. I have to realize it's over. I have to realize that I don't mean as much to him as he does to me. He has moved on. I should be happy, because that's exactly what I wanted him to do, but I'm not. I'm so sad and lonely. I want to die.
AUTHOR: faith_in_Faith
E-MAIL: faith_in_Faith@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: None! I don't own this : (
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: Up to, and including season five, and my story "All that glitters is not gold."
AUTHORS NOTE: THANKS! To all of you who are reviewing this! I owe you! Please continue with that : ) Thanks also to Sandy for helping me with the lines, and to Joey for beta-reading this and to Cactus for all your nice compliments on my English. Now on with the story!
CHAPTER FOUR.
So, then I'm finally at home. There was no sweet homecoming though - it turned out to be pretty awful actually. I'm completely dependent on Fred. I can't do one single thing on my own. Not even go to the bathroom. It's so humiliating. I'm not used to being this helpless, and at the complete mercy of someone else. I'm used to be the strong one - the one people turn to for help. I'm used to being able to take care of myself. Now everything is different. Suddenly, I'm the one everybody has to take care of - and just to add to it - I'm close to tears all the time, just as these weak, hysterical women that Bosco hates. What he thinks doesn't matter anymore though, because he's gone, and I was the one who drove him away.
I hear the door open, and Emily enters the room and comes over to me. I smile at her, as I take her hand and say, "Hi. I thought you had forgotten about me."
She looks inquiringly at me before asking, "Did you know Bosco is parked outside, with some girl, in front of the house?"
"Yeah, my boss thinks it's a good idea to have a squad car out in front of the house of a wounded officer - in case the family needs anything," I answer nonchalantly, as if I don't care, but I do. The truth is, my heart started to race in my chest when I heard his name. I knew the squad was there, but I didn't know he was the one in there with Monroe. I thought Swersky was supposed to keep him away from me.
"Dad's gonna have a cow," she states simply.
I look at her and try to find the silent understanding we shared at the hospital, as I say, "Well, lets not tell him."
She doesn't disappoint me. I can see the understanding in her eyes, and then she nods. Suddenly, the sound of the doorbell rings through the apartment, and Emily almost jumps out of her skin. She turns to look at me with frightened eyes and hesitantly asks, " He wouldn't.would he?"
"No," I say reassuringly.
I know she doesn't have to worry. I have made sure he'll never come back again. She goes and opens the door and I can hear my mother in law's voice. I close my eyes. Great, now my day is complete!
*********************
God, how I wish that awful woman would go away! I just can't stand this for much longer! I don't want her help. I have never liked her, and now I almost hate her. I hate the way she's fussing around, and I hate the way she's talking to me like I am mentally incapable as well. Fred has been very nice and understanding so far, but it doesn't help. I hate to being totally dependent of him, and I'm scared to death that he will get tired of being my nurse and leave me. Then I will be completely alone, because the only other person I could always depend on standing by my side through anything, is gone. I drove him away and he's not going to come back. He's feeling guilty enough to obey my wishes this time. I close my eyes and try to hold back my tears. I miss him so much. I knew from the beginning, living without him was going to be hard - but I had no idea just how hard.
Although my lovely family surrounds me - I feel lonely. Fred, Emily and Charlie, they have all been very supportive and caring - and I love them - but still I feel lonely. Just when I think I'm going to break down and cry, Emily walks into the room again. She smiles this kind, sweet smile of hers that's so common these days, and says, "Hi, Mom."
"Hi," I answer, and try to keep my voice steady.
She looks worriedly at me. "You OK?"
I nod. "Yeah, I'm OK."
She looks at me with doubtful eyes. "Are you sure? You don't need a painkiller? Bosco and his new partner took me to the pharmacy so I could pick them up," she says, and holds up a bag from the pharmacy in front of me.
I shake my head and answer, "No, I'm fine." I can hear that my voice sounds a bit shaky, and my heart aces from hearing the words 'new partner." I swallow hard and remind myself that -I - did this to myself, no one else.
Emily looks intensely at me for a few seconds, and then she asks softly, "You miss him a lot, don't you?"
I close my eyes tightly. Shit! I forgot about her new ability of being able to read my mind.
"Come on, Mom. It's me," she coaxes gently, "I won't tell Dad, I promise."
I swallow hard and open my eyes again. "Yeah, I guess I am," I whisper.
She frowns slightly. "Why did you do it then? Why did you tell him to go away if you didn't want him to?"
I bite my bottom lip and answer," It's hard to explain, Em. I was angry with him, I guess."
"I don't believe you. You said it wasn't his fault," she replies calmly.
I look down at my hands. Why does she suddenly have to be so smart and caring? It only makes things worse. "I can't explain it. You wouldn't understand," I say wearily.
"Does it have anything to do with Dad?" she asks softly.
"Yeah, I owe it to him," I answer quietly.
Emily puts her hands on my shoulders, and smiles fondly at me. "It's OK, Mom. He'll come around, and then you can ask Bosco to come back. Everything is gonna be alright. You just wait and see."
"I don't think it's that simple, Em," I reply, and I can hear the sorrow in my voice.
"Mom, Dad is a good guy and he loves you. He knows how much Bosco means to you. I'm sure he'll come around eventually, especially since you chose him this time."
I can feel my heart starting to beat faster. What does she think she knows? She can't tell that I love Bosco, can she? It can't be - because then this is going to end up in a disaster. I know that.
"What makes you think he made me choose?" I ask carefully.
"Isn't that what he has always tried to make you do? Chose between us and Bosco, I mean," she states simply.
"Emily," I say pleadingly, "It's not like you think.."
She cuts me off. "It's OK, Mom, you don't have to explain. Dad is happy now, and he will forgive both of you eventually, I know that. Don't worry about it, and it's nice of you to try to make him happy. I love you for it," she says and smiles fondly at me.
"Thanks, " I answer, and try to put a smile on my face that will convince her that everything is OK, and that there aren't any dark secrets to explore.
"And don't worry about Bosco - he seems to be OK, and I know he still cares about you."
I feel a mix of joy and despair. Joy, because he's OK - despite what I have done to him - and despair because he still cares about me. He isn't supposed to, but I'm still happy he does. God, I really am pathetic. I force another smile on my face and say, "Thanks, Em, for letting me know."
She smiles back and replies, "He gave me his cell phone number too. If you need to talk to him - just ask to borrow my cell phone. I have his number on speed dial #6."
Her voice is so kind and caring that I want to cry, "Thanks, but it's OK, " I whisper.
She smiles once more and leaves me alone, I wonder when she got so smart and grown up.
*************
I sit in my wheelchair and let my mother spoon feed me - like I am a child. I don't care anymore. I don't have the strength to try anymore. Life without Bosco is far more terrible than I could ever imagine. I feel so incredibly lonely.
When I see my therapist, I pretend to be mad at him. I pretend that I feel betrayed - and in a way I do - but I have to remember that I was the one who betrayed him this time. I'm not really mad either. It's just a cover to hide my grief. Yeah, I'm grieving. I have lost something. I have lost my best friend and soul mate. I have lost the love of my life. I feel so horribly lonely without him that it feels like he is dead, and I'm totally devastated.
It is like all the strength I had before, was because of him - and now, now that he's gone, I'm just weak, pathetic and totally dependent, but it doesn't matter anymore. I don't need any strength. I can't be a cop anymore, and Fred seems to like to have a wife that's totally at his mercy. Don't get me wrong - he's wonderful and caring, but all these years we have been together, he has always wished for me to be at home - waiting for him. He has always wanted to protect me, and it has always annoyed him that Bosco was the one doing that. This - except for me being paralyzed - is exactly what he's always wanted. So, he isn't complaining, and I don't have to be strong in order to take care of and protect Bosco anymore either. He seems to be doing just fine without me. He doesn't even seem to miss me.
Emily says that- judging from the few times she has seen him - he seems to be perfectly all right. He and Sasha seem to get along just fine - at least that's what she tells me at during her occasional visits. He seems to trust her just as much as he used to trust me. I know I should be happy and proud. I should be happy because he's been able to get over my betrayal, and find some one else to trust - and I was right. He isn't stupid. Just as I thought he would, he made a much better choice of partner when he didn't have to run to get away from me anymore. I should be proud of both of us. We both made the right choice - but I can't be. The jealousy is eating me alive. I want him to be mine - only mine. I must be insane, because no matter how things are, I want them to be the other way around.
What bothers me the most, though, is that he and Cruz seem to get along fine too. Sasha told me that Cruz had been raped, and that actually made me feel sorry for her. I never would have thought that was going to happen in a lifetime - but I did. No one deserves a thing like that -not even Cruz. But when Sasha started to tell me how great Cruz and Bosco where getting along, and how nice he was to her - even asked her out for dinner - I wanted to scream.
I felt sick. For a brief moment I even thought she got raped on purpose - just to be able to ensnare him in her toils again. It's an absurd and cruel thought, I know, but the power she has over him is so frustrating. Why can't he see her for what she is? How can he even think about socializing with her after all that had happen? Sometimes I almost think she has bewitched him, but I guess the simple truth is that he actually loves her - really loves her. He's not just using her for sex.. figures, that when he finally falls in love with someone, it has to be with a bitch. When he finally falls in love it has to be with someone else, other than me.
There's nothing I can do about it, though. I have to realize it's over. I have to realize that I don't mean as much to him as he does to me. He has moved on. I should be happy, because that's exactly what I wanted him to do, but I'm not. I'm so sad and lonely. I want to die.