TITLE: Do you really want me?
AUTHOR: faith_in_Faith
E-MAIL: faith_in_Faith@hotmail.com
RATING: PG-13
DISCLAIMER: I don't own a thing... Never has and never will.
SPOILER: Up to and including season five, and my story "All that glitters is not gold."
AUTHORS NOTE: Thanks to Schmoo and Strange Music for the great shipper- video's that helps me when I'm having trouble with my imagination, and OF COURSE to Joey for correcting this for me : ) and THANKS for all the great reviews! I hope you gonna like this too : )
CHAPTER SEVEN
"Morning, Mom," Emily murmurs sleepily, as she walks past me on her way to the kitchen.
It's just after eight, and Fred and Charlie left almost an hour ago. Emily doesn't start school until ten today. I'm happy for the company because it keeps my thoughts away from Bosco, at least for a while.
There's a knock at the door and I frown. Who can that be this early?
"Emily!" I call out, "Will you get the door, please."
"Sure!" she calls back.
When she walks past the couch I ask, "Are you expecting anyone?"
She shakes her and goes to open the door.
"Hi, Emily, is your mother at home?"
It's Sully's voice, and I feel, the now so familiar feeling of dread, rising inside. Something must have happened to Bosco – there's no other reason for Sully to be here. It must be serious considering that he - of all people - should know that no one in this house cares about Bosco anymore, and still he bothers to come here. I wonder why it's him and not Sasha. Maybe she's hurt too. Maybe they are both dead. 'Faith, pull yourself together!' I tell myself sternly. There's no reason for me to freak out and jump to conclusions. It's only going to make things worse.
"Yeah, come on inside," Emily answers politely. She's scared too. I can hear it in her voice. She has always been too smart for her own good.
Sully enters the living room with Emily close behind. I search her eyes for an answer – but there is none. She looks just as confused and scared as I feel. I shift my gaze to Sully's face. He looks grim and I know –without any doubt – that it's bad, very bad.
I force a smile on my face and say, "It's nice to see you, Sully."
He nods slightly, "It's nice to see you too, Faith. You look well."
"Yeah, I'm feeling good. So, what brings you here?" I ask, and even though I try to hide it, I can hear the fear in my voice.
"It's Bosco," he states simply. Sully was never one to do small talk or smoothing things down, and right now I'm very grateful for that.
"What about him?" I reply, and fold my hands together in an attempt to hide that they're shaking.
Sully is eyeing me carefully, as if to determine if I'm ready for this or not, and answers calmly, "He got very sick at work yesterday."
I knew it. I knew all the time that there had to be something seriously wrong with him, because it is serious. I can tell that by the look on Sully's face. I swallow hard and try to keep my emotions at bay, as I ask, "What kind of sick?"
"He started to vomit blood."
"Blood?" I whisper, and I can't hide my fear any longer.
Sully nods, "Yeah, blood - a lot of it. He even passed out before they got him to the hospital."
"What made him do that? What's wrong with him? Did he get poisoned or something?" I ask, and I can hear how pathetic and scared I'm sounding, but I can't help it. I am scared. I'm so afraid I can hardly breathe. What kind of horrible disease could cause him to vomit blood?
Sully shakes his head. "No, the doctor says he has a gastric ulcer, and that it's bleeding."
"What caused it... I mean why did he get it?" I manage to get out in a strained voice. It's hard to talk because all I want to do is cry.
"They don't know for sure. They're gonna run some tests to rule out that there's some other disease causing it, but they're pretty sure it's from stress."
I can hear the unspoken causation in his voice. He thinks it's my fault that Bos is so stressed out that he has a bleeding ulcer. He's probably right. I don't seem to be able to cause Bosco anything but pain. The thought of him, alone and sick at the hospital – the place he hates more than anything – breaks my heart, and makes me want to go to him right away, but I can't. And besides – he's probably not alone. I bet Cruz is there holding his hand. I feel ashamed for my thoughts. I'm being selfish – as usual. I should be happy that he isn't alone.
Suddenly I realize - really realize - what Sully said. He said that Bosco had passed out. That has to mean he's in a very bad shape. I look pleadingly at Sully, "But he's OK now, right? He's gonna be fine?"
Sully sighs heavily, "Yeah, right now he's OK. He lost a lot of blood, but he's getting transfusions to replace it, and they're giving him medication to help the ulcer to heal. He has to stay at the hospital for a while though, and he isn't allowed to eat anything right now."
I close my eyes and thank God that he's all right. I open them again and look at Sully, who still has a grim look on his face. "That's great, isn't it?" I ask pleadingly, afraid that there's something more to this, something he doesn't tell me.
Sully sighs again. "He's OK for now, but they said that if he starts bleeding again they'll have to operate, and that it's very important that he relaxes and rests a lot. He also needs to find out the reason as to why he's so distressed and eliminate it; otherwise he's gonna get sick again."
I stare at him in silent agony, and try to hold back my tears. My chest aches from the thought of Bos, feeling so alone and worried about everyone and everything that he makes himself sick.
Sully shifts uncomfortably, and I can see fear in his eyes too. He's really worried about Bosco this time. He clears his throat and says in a very serious voice, "Faith, I understand that you're pissed at him for this whole mess. I would be too. I understand that you need to make a point to him that he can't treat you as it pleases him. I understand that. I really do, but it's time to stop now. He needs you."
I swallow hard, and quickly wipe away a couple of tears that I haven't been able to hold back, before answering, "No, Sully, he doesn't."
Sully titles his head to the side, and replies, "No? Then tell me, why is it that every time that you two aren't riding together, he's getting a nervous break down, and I'm ending up trying to take care of him, huh?"
"I don't know," I answer quietly.
"You don't know? Well, Faith, then let me tell you something: That kid is pretty messed up in the head. I don't know why, but I'm betting you do, and - for some reason - he manages to keep it together as long as he's with you, but every time you two mess up your partnership he ends up with a nervous breakdown. I can't help him, Faith, you know that. You're the only one he trusts."
I take a deep breath and try to suppress my tears, as I answer, "Maybe that was true before, Sully, but not anymore. He's moving on."
Sully snorts angrily, "Bullshit! Who told you that?"
I look down at my hands, "No one, but I know it's true. I just know, OK?"
Sully snorts again, and there's anger in his voice when he continues, "He isn't moving on! He's like a little lost child waiting for his mom to come home. You're the only thing he thinks about, and he's letting the guilt for what happened to you eating him up inside to the point he's making himself sick! Come on, Faith, you know I think he's one of the biggest idiots ever born, and that I thank God every day that I'm not the one who has to take care of him, but I don't even think he deserves this. Believe me, he needs you."
"No," I reply stubbornly, "it's not me he needs. He doesn't even care about me anymore." My chest tightens to the point I almost can't breathe because although I know it's true, saying it out loud makes the pain ten times worse.
"It is you he needs, and he does care about you." There's something about the soft, sincere tone in Sully's voice that almost makes me believe him.
"How can you be so sure?" I ask, and try to get rid of the lump in my throat.
The anger disappears from Sully's eyes and his features soften as he says, "He was very worried about you yesterday."
I just stare at him wide eyed, and reply with disbelief in my voice, "About me?"
"Yeah, about you. He was pretty out of it, and in a lot of pain, but all he could think about was you. He was very worried that something had happened to you, that you were hurt in any way. He thought the blood on him was yours. He didn't care about himself at all. All he wanted to know was that you were alright. He couldn't stay still. It took all I had to convince him that you were OK."
My vision is blurry from the tears in my eyes that I'm barley able to hold back. I can't believe it's true - that he really cares that much about me. I take a deep breath to stop myself from crying before I answer, "Well, it's normal to worry about your partner."
A satisfied smile appears on Sully's lips, he knows he has me, "Yes, you're right, it is. There's just one problem -you weren't his partner yesterday. Monroe was, and I didn't hear him mention her name at all - not even once," he replies sarcastically.
I swallow hard, "Yeah, well, he was pretty out of it. You said so yourself, and we were partners for a very long time so..." I answer in an attempt to justify his behavior.
"Come on, Faith," he says impatiently, "you don't even believe that yourself, do you?"
I take a shaky breath and whisper unhappily, "You don't understand, Sully. It's complicated."
Sully is really angry now. I can tell from the way he sets his jaw. "You think it's complicated? Well, maybe it's just me, but when he was lying on a stretcher, in pain and covered in his own blood, desperately begging me to reassure him you were OK, it seemed simple enough to me. He cares about you – more than anything, and he needs you."
I know that if I say one more word right now I'm going to start crying, so I just look at him.
When he realizes I'm not going to answer him, he sighs heavily, and says coldly, "Ok, have it your way. Keep pretending that you don't care about him, but I don't believe you. You wouldn't be this shaken if you didn't, but I want you to think about one thing. You better face it, Faith; he will never make it without you – not in the long run. Can you live with that?" and with that he turns around and leaves.
I bury my face in my hands and start crying, I can't – for the love of my life - hold it together anymore. The thought of him, lying on the ground, bloody and in pain, worrying about me being hurt, is taking down the last of the wall I tried so hard to build over the years. I don't care anymore whether loving him is right or wrong. Sully is right. He obviously needs me. My poor, poor Bos! I don't know what to do anymore, but what I do know is that I love him, and that I don't want him to be sick and in pain. That's not what I wanted to accomplish when I drew him away. I did it because I want him to be safe and happy. I guess I made the wrong decision - again. I can't continue to reject him. None of us would survive that. But through everything I realize that until I've come up with a plan about how to make things right again; with as little damage as possibly to everyone, I need to play my act.
I can feel how Emily sits down beside me and warps her arms around me, as she says, "Shhhs, Mom, don't cry. He's gonna be fine. Just go and see him, and everything is gonna be alright. You heard Sully."
I pull away from her, and wipe away the tears with the back of my hands. It's time for me to pull myself together, and I know that. I force a smile on my lips and answer, "No, Emily, I can't do that."
"Of course you can," she replies, and looks kindly at me.
"No, I can't,"I whisper with anguish in my voice.
"Yes, you can. Don't worry about it. I'm going with you. I'll help you."
"No, Em, you can't do that. I don't want you to miss school."
Emily sighs. I can tell that she thinks I'm a real pain in the ass. "Let's do it after school then. I'll come and get you when I'm done, and we'll go and see him, OK? And don't you worry about Dad. I'll cover for you. I'll just tell him we went shopping or something. It won't be a problem, I promise. You know how much he likes when we're spending time together."
I swallow hard, and try to suppress the tears that are threatening to fall. Emily has to be the sweetest girl ever, and the most loyal daughter a mother can have, but unfortunately that's not going to help. I can't go and see him. Not right now. I have to find a way to sort out this mess before I do. I have to find a way to deal with Fred, because this is not going to be temporary. When I get back to Bosco, it will be for good. I need to find a way to make Fred understand that. Until then I have to stay away from Bosco, because I know myself. If I went to see him now in the bad shape he's obviously in. I might not be able to leave him alone again - ever. That – of course - isn't an option. He doesn't want me that way, and Fred deserves better than that. After all – he does love me, and he would probably do anything for me. If you have any decency at all, you don't just walk away from that kind of love without any warning, or explanation.
"Mom?" Emily says questioningly, and I realize I haven't responded to what she said.
"No, Em, it's OK. I can't go and see him right now. It has to wait."
Emily looks at me like I have lost my mind – which I have, but that happened years ago, when I met Bosco – and asks, "Why?"
"I can't do that to your Dad," I answer softly.
She looks at me with a shocked expression on her face, "To Dad? You can't do that to Dad? You can't be serious! What does he have to do with this? He's not the one with a bleeding ulcer!"
"No, but he had a heart attack," I answer quietly.
The anger disappears from her face, as she says, "It wasn't your fault, Mom. He didn't get it because you weren't around. He got it because he ate wrong and drank too much, and he's fine now. You don't owe him a thing. Right now, Bosco needs you more."
"You don't understand, Em. I do owe him. I owe him everything."
"You're right. I don't understand," she answers with disappointment in her voice. "I didn't think you were that kind of person, who abandoned your best friend when he needed you the most. I thought partnership was about being there for each other – always. At least that's what you used to tell Dad."
Her harsh words make me start crying all over again. She's right, I am a terrible person, but I can't act any differently right now – I just can't. I need to do this the right way this time. I have no intention of abandoning Bosco - far from it! I'm planning on staying by his side forever, but to be able to do that; I need to do this right. I can't afford to screw up one more time.
"Please, Em, try to understand," I say pleadingly. "I'm not gonna abandon him. I just need to speak to your father first. This isn't just about tonight. This is about our whole future. You heard Sully – Bosco needs me to be there for him permanently. And to be able to do that I need to clear it with your father first."
Emily sighs a little, "OK, I understand – I think, but don't worry, not even Dad wants him to suffer to death."
I sigh. I just wish I was as sure about that as Emily is. I close my eyes, and try to will away both the headache I feel coming, and the images of Bos, bloody and in pain, calling my name. Flashbacks from the one time when I was too sick to back him up appears in front of my eyes, and I can't stop the tears from leaking out from behind my closed eyelids. The thing about that day that haunts me the most - except from seeing him lying lifeless on the floor – is the heartbreaking sound of him, desperately calling my name over and over again. It was the sound of someone believing that his very last moment was about to come.
I can feel Emily's eyes on me, studying me quietly. "Mom, please don't cry," she pleads gently, "Would you feel better if I'd go and check on him for you?"
Feelings of relief and hope are filling me. Maybe there's a way to show him that I care after all. I look gratefully at her, "You think you could do that?"
She nods firmly, "Sure, no problem. I'll go over there directly after school. I'm worried about him too. I still think it would be better if you came with me, but this way we can at least make sure he's alright."
"Thanks, Emily."
"Like I said, no problem. But you need to cover for me this time," she says seriously and winks at me.
I can't help but smile, as I answer, "Sure, no problem."
"Are you sure you can pull yourself together before Dad comes home," she asks, and looks doubtfully at me.
I nod firmly, "Yeah, I'm sure."
"Good," she replies and smiles warmly at me. Then her face turns serious, and she asks carefully, "Do you want me to tell him something, or give him a greeting from you? Like a card or something?"
I consider the question for a couple of seconds before nodding my head. A card will be fine, neutral, and harmless, but still a way to show him that I care. Yeah, that will be perfect, "Yeah, I would like to give him a card," I answer.
"Ok, I think I have one in my room that will fit."
She goes to her room, and comes back with a card with a simple, but very beautiful, blue flower on the front side. Inside it's blank. She's right. It's perfect. "Thanks," I say quietly, "It's perfect."
She smiles at me and replies, "Good. I'll go and take a shower now. I need to get ready for school."
I nod absently, and stare at the blank card in my hand. What am I going to write? What am I supposed to say? 'I'm sorry'? No, that's not good enough. That might makes him think I'm only doing it because I feel guilty. I continue to stare at the empty pages for several more minutes, and then it hits me. Suddenly, I know what to write to make him understand just how much I care for him. At least I hope it will. So I write down this one simple line, and then add 'love Faith.' I try to put all my love - both the forbidden and the permitted - for him to feel, in that simple word, praying that he will understand the whole meaning of these few words...
AUTHOR: faith_in_Faith
E-MAIL: faith_in_Faith@hotmail.com
RATING: PG-13
DISCLAIMER: I don't own a thing... Never has and never will.
SPOILER: Up to and including season five, and my story "All that glitters is not gold."
AUTHORS NOTE: Thanks to Schmoo and Strange Music for the great shipper- video's that helps me when I'm having trouble with my imagination, and OF COURSE to Joey for correcting this for me : ) and THANKS for all the great reviews! I hope you gonna like this too : )
CHAPTER SEVEN
"Morning, Mom," Emily murmurs sleepily, as she walks past me on her way to the kitchen.
It's just after eight, and Fred and Charlie left almost an hour ago. Emily doesn't start school until ten today. I'm happy for the company because it keeps my thoughts away from Bosco, at least for a while.
There's a knock at the door and I frown. Who can that be this early?
"Emily!" I call out, "Will you get the door, please."
"Sure!" she calls back.
When she walks past the couch I ask, "Are you expecting anyone?"
She shakes her and goes to open the door.
"Hi, Emily, is your mother at home?"
It's Sully's voice, and I feel, the now so familiar feeling of dread, rising inside. Something must have happened to Bosco – there's no other reason for Sully to be here. It must be serious considering that he - of all people - should know that no one in this house cares about Bosco anymore, and still he bothers to come here. I wonder why it's him and not Sasha. Maybe she's hurt too. Maybe they are both dead. 'Faith, pull yourself together!' I tell myself sternly. There's no reason for me to freak out and jump to conclusions. It's only going to make things worse.
"Yeah, come on inside," Emily answers politely. She's scared too. I can hear it in her voice. She has always been too smart for her own good.
Sully enters the living room with Emily close behind. I search her eyes for an answer – but there is none. She looks just as confused and scared as I feel. I shift my gaze to Sully's face. He looks grim and I know –without any doubt – that it's bad, very bad.
I force a smile on my face and say, "It's nice to see you, Sully."
He nods slightly, "It's nice to see you too, Faith. You look well."
"Yeah, I'm feeling good. So, what brings you here?" I ask, and even though I try to hide it, I can hear the fear in my voice.
"It's Bosco," he states simply. Sully was never one to do small talk or smoothing things down, and right now I'm very grateful for that.
"What about him?" I reply, and fold my hands together in an attempt to hide that they're shaking.
Sully is eyeing me carefully, as if to determine if I'm ready for this or not, and answers calmly, "He got very sick at work yesterday."
I knew it. I knew all the time that there had to be something seriously wrong with him, because it is serious. I can tell that by the look on Sully's face. I swallow hard and try to keep my emotions at bay, as I ask, "What kind of sick?"
"He started to vomit blood."
"Blood?" I whisper, and I can't hide my fear any longer.
Sully nods, "Yeah, blood - a lot of it. He even passed out before they got him to the hospital."
"What made him do that? What's wrong with him? Did he get poisoned or something?" I ask, and I can hear how pathetic and scared I'm sounding, but I can't help it. I am scared. I'm so afraid I can hardly breathe. What kind of horrible disease could cause him to vomit blood?
Sully shakes his head. "No, the doctor says he has a gastric ulcer, and that it's bleeding."
"What caused it... I mean why did he get it?" I manage to get out in a strained voice. It's hard to talk because all I want to do is cry.
"They don't know for sure. They're gonna run some tests to rule out that there's some other disease causing it, but they're pretty sure it's from stress."
I can hear the unspoken causation in his voice. He thinks it's my fault that Bos is so stressed out that he has a bleeding ulcer. He's probably right. I don't seem to be able to cause Bosco anything but pain. The thought of him, alone and sick at the hospital – the place he hates more than anything – breaks my heart, and makes me want to go to him right away, but I can't. And besides – he's probably not alone. I bet Cruz is there holding his hand. I feel ashamed for my thoughts. I'm being selfish – as usual. I should be happy that he isn't alone.
Suddenly I realize - really realize - what Sully said. He said that Bosco had passed out. That has to mean he's in a very bad shape. I look pleadingly at Sully, "But he's OK now, right? He's gonna be fine?"
Sully sighs heavily, "Yeah, right now he's OK. He lost a lot of blood, but he's getting transfusions to replace it, and they're giving him medication to help the ulcer to heal. He has to stay at the hospital for a while though, and he isn't allowed to eat anything right now."
I close my eyes and thank God that he's all right. I open them again and look at Sully, who still has a grim look on his face. "That's great, isn't it?" I ask pleadingly, afraid that there's something more to this, something he doesn't tell me.
Sully sighs again. "He's OK for now, but they said that if he starts bleeding again they'll have to operate, and that it's very important that he relaxes and rests a lot. He also needs to find out the reason as to why he's so distressed and eliminate it; otherwise he's gonna get sick again."
I stare at him in silent agony, and try to hold back my tears. My chest aches from the thought of Bos, feeling so alone and worried about everyone and everything that he makes himself sick.
Sully shifts uncomfortably, and I can see fear in his eyes too. He's really worried about Bosco this time. He clears his throat and says in a very serious voice, "Faith, I understand that you're pissed at him for this whole mess. I would be too. I understand that you need to make a point to him that he can't treat you as it pleases him. I understand that. I really do, but it's time to stop now. He needs you."
I swallow hard, and quickly wipe away a couple of tears that I haven't been able to hold back, before answering, "No, Sully, he doesn't."
Sully titles his head to the side, and replies, "No? Then tell me, why is it that every time that you two aren't riding together, he's getting a nervous break down, and I'm ending up trying to take care of him, huh?"
"I don't know," I answer quietly.
"You don't know? Well, Faith, then let me tell you something: That kid is pretty messed up in the head. I don't know why, but I'm betting you do, and - for some reason - he manages to keep it together as long as he's with you, but every time you two mess up your partnership he ends up with a nervous breakdown. I can't help him, Faith, you know that. You're the only one he trusts."
I take a deep breath and try to suppress my tears, as I answer, "Maybe that was true before, Sully, but not anymore. He's moving on."
Sully snorts angrily, "Bullshit! Who told you that?"
I look down at my hands, "No one, but I know it's true. I just know, OK?"
Sully snorts again, and there's anger in his voice when he continues, "He isn't moving on! He's like a little lost child waiting for his mom to come home. You're the only thing he thinks about, and he's letting the guilt for what happened to you eating him up inside to the point he's making himself sick! Come on, Faith, you know I think he's one of the biggest idiots ever born, and that I thank God every day that I'm not the one who has to take care of him, but I don't even think he deserves this. Believe me, he needs you."
"No," I reply stubbornly, "it's not me he needs. He doesn't even care about me anymore." My chest tightens to the point I almost can't breathe because although I know it's true, saying it out loud makes the pain ten times worse.
"It is you he needs, and he does care about you." There's something about the soft, sincere tone in Sully's voice that almost makes me believe him.
"How can you be so sure?" I ask, and try to get rid of the lump in my throat.
The anger disappears from Sully's eyes and his features soften as he says, "He was very worried about you yesterday."
I just stare at him wide eyed, and reply with disbelief in my voice, "About me?"
"Yeah, about you. He was pretty out of it, and in a lot of pain, but all he could think about was you. He was very worried that something had happened to you, that you were hurt in any way. He thought the blood on him was yours. He didn't care about himself at all. All he wanted to know was that you were alright. He couldn't stay still. It took all I had to convince him that you were OK."
My vision is blurry from the tears in my eyes that I'm barley able to hold back. I can't believe it's true - that he really cares that much about me. I take a deep breath to stop myself from crying before I answer, "Well, it's normal to worry about your partner."
A satisfied smile appears on Sully's lips, he knows he has me, "Yes, you're right, it is. There's just one problem -you weren't his partner yesterday. Monroe was, and I didn't hear him mention her name at all - not even once," he replies sarcastically.
I swallow hard, "Yeah, well, he was pretty out of it. You said so yourself, and we were partners for a very long time so..." I answer in an attempt to justify his behavior.
"Come on, Faith," he says impatiently, "you don't even believe that yourself, do you?"
I take a shaky breath and whisper unhappily, "You don't understand, Sully. It's complicated."
Sully is really angry now. I can tell from the way he sets his jaw. "You think it's complicated? Well, maybe it's just me, but when he was lying on a stretcher, in pain and covered in his own blood, desperately begging me to reassure him you were OK, it seemed simple enough to me. He cares about you – more than anything, and he needs you."
I know that if I say one more word right now I'm going to start crying, so I just look at him.
When he realizes I'm not going to answer him, he sighs heavily, and says coldly, "Ok, have it your way. Keep pretending that you don't care about him, but I don't believe you. You wouldn't be this shaken if you didn't, but I want you to think about one thing. You better face it, Faith; he will never make it without you – not in the long run. Can you live with that?" and with that he turns around and leaves.
I bury my face in my hands and start crying, I can't – for the love of my life - hold it together anymore. The thought of him, lying on the ground, bloody and in pain, worrying about me being hurt, is taking down the last of the wall I tried so hard to build over the years. I don't care anymore whether loving him is right or wrong. Sully is right. He obviously needs me. My poor, poor Bos! I don't know what to do anymore, but what I do know is that I love him, and that I don't want him to be sick and in pain. That's not what I wanted to accomplish when I drew him away. I did it because I want him to be safe and happy. I guess I made the wrong decision - again. I can't continue to reject him. None of us would survive that. But through everything I realize that until I've come up with a plan about how to make things right again; with as little damage as possibly to everyone, I need to play my act.
I can feel how Emily sits down beside me and warps her arms around me, as she says, "Shhhs, Mom, don't cry. He's gonna be fine. Just go and see him, and everything is gonna be alright. You heard Sully."
I pull away from her, and wipe away the tears with the back of my hands. It's time for me to pull myself together, and I know that. I force a smile on my lips and answer, "No, Emily, I can't do that."
"Of course you can," she replies, and looks kindly at me.
"No, I can't,"I whisper with anguish in my voice.
"Yes, you can. Don't worry about it. I'm going with you. I'll help you."
"No, Em, you can't do that. I don't want you to miss school."
Emily sighs. I can tell that she thinks I'm a real pain in the ass. "Let's do it after school then. I'll come and get you when I'm done, and we'll go and see him, OK? And don't you worry about Dad. I'll cover for you. I'll just tell him we went shopping or something. It won't be a problem, I promise. You know how much he likes when we're spending time together."
I swallow hard, and try to suppress the tears that are threatening to fall. Emily has to be the sweetest girl ever, and the most loyal daughter a mother can have, but unfortunately that's not going to help. I can't go and see him. Not right now. I have to find a way to sort out this mess before I do. I have to find a way to deal with Fred, because this is not going to be temporary. When I get back to Bosco, it will be for good. I need to find a way to make Fred understand that. Until then I have to stay away from Bosco, because I know myself. If I went to see him now in the bad shape he's obviously in. I might not be able to leave him alone again - ever. That – of course - isn't an option. He doesn't want me that way, and Fred deserves better than that. After all – he does love me, and he would probably do anything for me. If you have any decency at all, you don't just walk away from that kind of love without any warning, or explanation.
"Mom?" Emily says questioningly, and I realize I haven't responded to what she said.
"No, Em, it's OK. I can't go and see him right now. It has to wait."
Emily looks at me like I have lost my mind – which I have, but that happened years ago, when I met Bosco – and asks, "Why?"
"I can't do that to your Dad," I answer softly.
She looks at me with a shocked expression on her face, "To Dad? You can't do that to Dad? You can't be serious! What does he have to do with this? He's not the one with a bleeding ulcer!"
"No, but he had a heart attack," I answer quietly.
The anger disappears from her face, as she says, "It wasn't your fault, Mom. He didn't get it because you weren't around. He got it because he ate wrong and drank too much, and he's fine now. You don't owe him a thing. Right now, Bosco needs you more."
"You don't understand, Em. I do owe him. I owe him everything."
"You're right. I don't understand," she answers with disappointment in her voice. "I didn't think you were that kind of person, who abandoned your best friend when he needed you the most. I thought partnership was about being there for each other – always. At least that's what you used to tell Dad."
Her harsh words make me start crying all over again. She's right, I am a terrible person, but I can't act any differently right now – I just can't. I need to do this the right way this time. I have no intention of abandoning Bosco - far from it! I'm planning on staying by his side forever, but to be able to do that; I need to do this right. I can't afford to screw up one more time.
"Please, Em, try to understand," I say pleadingly. "I'm not gonna abandon him. I just need to speak to your father first. This isn't just about tonight. This is about our whole future. You heard Sully – Bosco needs me to be there for him permanently. And to be able to do that I need to clear it with your father first."
Emily sighs a little, "OK, I understand – I think, but don't worry, not even Dad wants him to suffer to death."
I sigh. I just wish I was as sure about that as Emily is. I close my eyes, and try to will away both the headache I feel coming, and the images of Bos, bloody and in pain, calling my name. Flashbacks from the one time when I was too sick to back him up appears in front of my eyes, and I can't stop the tears from leaking out from behind my closed eyelids. The thing about that day that haunts me the most - except from seeing him lying lifeless on the floor – is the heartbreaking sound of him, desperately calling my name over and over again. It was the sound of someone believing that his very last moment was about to come.
I can feel Emily's eyes on me, studying me quietly. "Mom, please don't cry," she pleads gently, "Would you feel better if I'd go and check on him for you?"
Feelings of relief and hope are filling me. Maybe there's a way to show him that I care after all. I look gratefully at her, "You think you could do that?"
She nods firmly, "Sure, no problem. I'll go over there directly after school. I'm worried about him too. I still think it would be better if you came with me, but this way we can at least make sure he's alright."
"Thanks, Emily."
"Like I said, no problem. But you need to cover for me this time," she says seriously and winks at me.
I can't help but smile, as I answer, "Sure, no problem."
"Are you sure you can pull yourself together before Dad comes home," she asks, and looks doubtfully at me.
I nod firmly, "Yeah, I'm sure."
"Good," she replies and smiles warmly at me. Then her face turns serious, and she asks carefully, "Do you want me to tell him something, or give him a greeting from you? Like a card or something?"
I consider the question for a couple of seconds before nodding my head. A card will be fine, neutral, and harmless, but still a way to show him that I care. Yeah, that will be perfect, "Yeah, I would like to give him a card," I answer.
"Ok, I think I have one in my room that will fit."
She goes to her room, and comes back with a card with a simple, but very beautiful, blue flower on the front side. Inside it's blank. She's right. It's perfect. "Thanks," I say quietly, "It's perfect."
She smiles at me and replies, "Good. I'll go and take a shower now. I need to get ready for school."
I nod absently, and stare at the blank card in my hand. What am I going to write? What am I supposed to say? 'I'm sorry'? No, that's not good enough. That might makes him think I'm only doing it because I feel guilty. I continue to stare at the empty pages for several more minutes, and then it hits me. Suddenly, I know what to write to make him understand just how much I care for him. At least I hope it will. So I write down this one simple line, and then add 'love Faith.' I try to put all my love - both the forbidden and the permitted - for him to feel, in that simple word, praying that he will understand the whole meaning of these few words...