Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Harry Potter, for it belongs to the fair Jo Rowling. If I ever own Harry Potter, I would probably buy my own private island, and write my crappy version of the 7th book there (much to the annoyance of the readers).

What if telephones worked inside Hogwarts? These are what people's answering machine messages would say:

Hello, this is the Lovegood residence. We are unable to take your call, for the phone line is infested with booglies, and makes the listener hear John Wayne tunes in their heads for many days. Please leave your message and phone number after the owl hoot, and we will get back to you as soon as we find Bigfoot. You see, Bigfoot loves to take our phone calls, because they enlighten him of the joys of childhood.

BEEP!

I, Draco Malfoy, am screening your message with this blasted muggle device, for our treacherous house-elf-whom-I'd-rather-not-name ran off with my rather expensive eagle owl. Leave your enquiry at the sound of the tone, and I will deem whether you are pureblooded and worthy enough for me to acknowledge.

BEEP!

Um… this is Harry Potter. Gosh… I don't know how to leave a message. Well, MAYBE it's because the Dursley's kept slapping my hand away from the phone! Bloody jerks. … oh, did I say that out loud?

BEEP!

Hello, Hermione Granger is not available right now, for I am studying for my N.E.W.T.s, which will take place in 4 months, and I don't like being interrupted, for I'll probably jinx your ears off and I don't want to get in trouble with Professor McGonagall. In the meanwhile, please check my ad in the Daily Prophet for the organization I founded, which is called Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare.

Harry and Ron in the background: SPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW! HA HA HA HA HA!

Hermione: Oh, for heaven's sake! It's called S... P... E... W!

BEEP!

This is Severus Snape speaking. I am not in the dungeons right now, for I am saving a scarred, bespectacled imbecile from a hundred mouldy, black curtains. Leave a message after the tone, or I will personally make you peel pickled toads.

very long pause

Dumbledore: Oh dear, Severus has left the answering machine recording on. I also see that he has left his teddy bear, Snugglypoo. He sleeps with it every night, you know.

BEEP!

Neville Longbottom here. If you are my grandmum, I'm not here right now. If you are my friends, I'm in the Room of Requirement, hiding from my grandmum.

BEEP!

Fred and George:

Welcome to our humble home,

Where we don't have to be degnomed

Because we love to live upstairs,

Near men who tend to tear their hairs

Complaints we hear of everyday,

We torture them in any way,

Don't mind the noise that fills the air,

For we make Ron hate teddy bears

So leave a note, if you provide,

We'll call you when the booms subside

BEEP!

(Reads off card Fred and George gave him) Hello, I'm Harry Potter. I'm not here to answer the phone right now, because I'm flexing my strong, manly muscles to impress Gin… WHAT?

BEEP!

Revised, after HBP:

This is Severus Snape speaking. I am not in the dungeons right now, for the Ministry has caught me and has sent me to Azkaban prison. THE TREATMENT HERE IS INHUMANE! CALL AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL AND GRANT ME A PARDON! PLEASE!

OH GOD! DON'T PUT THAT IN YOUR CAULDRON, LONGBOTTOM!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Long Pause

Note to self: Next time I join a Dark Lord's group, I should turn myself in the first time, and escape the atrocity of teaching Neville Longbottom Remedial Potions as a prison sentence. I think I would prefer the dementors to this.

(CRIES) I WANT MY SNUGGLYPOO!

BEEP!

Well, I hope you enjoyed this completely random fan fiction. Onward to other stories, men!

Love,

Nightblue