TITLE: Do you really want me?
AUTHOR: faith-in-Faith
RATING: PG-13
DISCLAIMER: I don't own a thing. Never has and never will.
SPOILER: Up to and including season five, and my story "All that glitters is not gold."
AUTHOR'S NOTE: BIG thanks to all of you who are reviewing this :) You make me a very happy person :)I also know some of you want them to meet...in the next chapter, OK?
Special thanks go as always to Joey for correcting this and to Bee for helping me with my author's block :) I owe you guys – big time!
CHAPTER ELEVEN
"Mom. Mom, please wake up." Although the words are spoken in a whisper, they sound urgent and desperate. They jerk me out of my sleep, leaving me with a racing heart and a feeling of dread inside.
I open my eyelids and find myself staring into Emily's frighten eyes. "Emily, what's wrong?" I whisper worriedly.
"It's the hospital on the phone. The nurse says she needs to talk to my guardian," she replies shakily.
I'm still groggy from waking up so suddenly, and my brain doesn't understand why someone from the hospital would call my daughter, especially not since we're all at home safe and sound. Emily notices my confusion, and by whispering just one simple word, she brings the world - with all its ugliness - back to me, "Bosco."
The fear I'm feeling once realizing that something has to be wrong, makes me so afraid that I almost can't breathe. I realize that this phone call could mean that it's all over - that we've lost him. I quickly jolt out of bed, almost falling over in the process because my balance isn't good enough yet for these kind of sudden movements. Emily catches me before I hit the floor and helps me onto my feet. Fred stirs in bed and sleepily murmurs my name.
"It's OK, Fred," I whisper soothingly, "I just need to go to the bathroom." He turns on his other side and starts to snore again. Both Emily and I sigh a sigh in relief and quietly leave the room.
When we reach the kitchen, Emily picks up her cell phone from the kitchen counter and hands it over to me. I glance over at the clock on the wall, 6:30 on a Saturday morning. It can't be anything but bad news. My hands are shaking slightly as I put the phone to my ear. "Yeah?"
"Hello, this is nurse Anderson at Mercy hospital, am I speaking to Mrs. Boscorelli?"
"Um, no. My name is Faith Yokas," I answer, and my heart is pounding so hard in my chest it almost feels like it's going to pop out.
"But I am talking to Emily's guardian, aren't I?" the nurse asks, sounding a bit confused.
"Yeah," I reassure her. "I'm her mother."
"Good." There's relief in her voice, and for some reason it makes me feel even more scared.
"Well, the reason that I called is that her Dad - Officer Boscorelli's, condition has changed for the worse, and since Emily is a minor, we didn't think it was appropriate to tell her. We usually try to speak to an adult about these kind of things."
I swallow hard and reply, "It's fine, I understand. In what way is he worse?"
I look up and meet Emily's gaze. Her eyes are wide with fear and I'm silently praying that the nurse isn't about to tell me Bos is dying.
"Last night, he started to feel nauseous again, and he was in a lot of pain. He's also developing a high fever and even some shortness of breath."
"Why is that?"
"Well the fever is a normal reaction to try to help the ulcer to heal again, but in Officer Boscorelli's case, it has gotten a bit out of hand. We think the breathing difficulties are stress related. He's very fragile at the moment, which brings me to the next issue. Emily can't come and visit him for the next couple of days or so. The doctor has ordered no visitors for at least the next 24 hours."
"I see," I answer hoarsely because my mouth is dry and I'm struggling hard not to cry. I take a deep breath to pull myself together enough to be able to ask the question, the answer to which I fear more than anything.
"Exactly how serious is this? Is he going to get well again?"
"Right now, there's nothing indicating anything else. The good thing is that the ulcer hasn't started bleeding again, and the doctor is doing everything to help him. He's changed and increased his medical therapy, and the most important thing right now, is to keep his stress level as low as possible. But if nothing else happens to worsen his condition, then I'm sure he's going to start feeling better very soon," she says reassuringly.
I close my eyes and thank God for being merciful, before replying, "That's a relief. Emily has been very worried about him."
"That's very understandable. There's just one more thing I'll have to ask, and then I'll let you get back to what you were doing."
Yeah, sure, like I would be able to get back to sleep after this scare.
"Is Emily living with her father?"
"No, she's living with me and my husband. Why?" I ask defensively, afraid that something has happened to make them understand that Emily was lying.
There's a hint of relief in the nurse voice when she continues. "That's good. You have to forgive me for asking, but we were worried she was living with him, and that someone was taking care of her on temporary basis. Then Officer Boscorelli might would be worrying about her well-being, and it's important that he isn't exposed to any kind of stress right now."
"I understand, but that's not a problem. She's living with me, and if you don't mind I'd prefer if you didn't call here again - unless he's dying. We aren't really on speaking terms right now, and my husband...."
"Don't worry I understand completely. I assume his Mother will fill you in about his condition if needed, and Emily can call here whenever she wants to check on him," she replies kindly.
"Thanks," I answer weakly, feeling like a really bad person for lying to these nice people. I can't really complain, though. It was my cowardliness that got me into this awkward position in the first place; and it's like Emily said, I'm really good at lying.
"You're welcome, Mrs. Yokas."
"Thanks again, and tell him we both send our love."
"I will. Bye, Mrs. Yokas," she replies warmly.
"Bye," I answer absently and hang up.
"Mom," Emily asks anxiously, and looks at me with big, terrified eyes.
"He's worse," I answer calmly in an attempt not to scare her any further.
"Oh no," she whispers painfully. "Is he gonna die?"
"No, honey, he isn't. The nurse said he'd be fine eventually, because they have increased is medication, but right now he isn't doing so good. They wanted to know if you lived with me because they didn't want him to worry about you - or anything else – right now. She even said that no one could come and visit him for at least the next 24 hours."
"Poor Bosco," Emily says with tears in her eyes. "You have to help him, Mom. You have to help him now."
I pull her into my embrace and whisper soothingly, "I will, Emily, I will." Because I will, I'm going to talk to Fred, and I'm going to do it tonight.
"I can't believe I heard you right. You can't be serious," Fred says calmly, and stares at me, his eyes filled with mixed emotions.
There's confusion, fear, anger and hurt, and I can feel my chest tighten. This isn't easy for me to do because on some level, I still love Fred. We have had more good times than bad. We have two wonderful children together, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. But right now, that's exactly what I'm doing and it hurts me, too. Sometimes I can't understand why I always have to choose between Bosco and Fred. I wish there was a way to keep them both, but I know there isn't.
If someone had told me a year ago that I would choose Bos over Fred, I'd have thought they were completely insane, but here I am, doing it all the same. I'm well aware of the fact that I'm probably making the biggest mistake of my life, but I have no choice anymore. I can't sacrifice Bosco's life to save my marriage. I just can't, and the truth is Bosco doesn't just need me. I need him, too - probably even more than he needs me. I feel lost without him. I feel like I'm not in control of anything anymore. I need him to lean on. I need him to keep me grounded. I need him to take care of, because then I won't have to deal with my own messy life. I can't live without him. Suddenly, Fred's annoyed voice jerks me out of my thoughts.
"If you're gonna dump shit like this on me the least you can do is to listen when I talk!"
I look up at him. "I'm sorry, Fred."
"You haven't heard a word I've said, have you?" he replies accusingly, his voice rising slightly.
"I'm so sorry," I answer, feeling guilty.
"Why, Faith? Why?"
"It's my work, Fred. That's what I do. That's who I am."
He stares at me, and I can tell that anger is the feeling that's going to win out.
"I can't believe you're saying this. How can your work be more important to you than your family?"
"It isn't, but we need the money."
Fred snorts. "Find something else to do. I can't believe you're actually considering going back to a job that almost got you killed. Don't you care about us at all? Do you really want our kids to grow up without a mother?"
"Of course I don't want them to grow up without a mother, but life isn't that simple, Fred. Life is unpredictable. I can get killed on the subway on my way home, there's no guarantees for anything."
He looks at me. There's still anger in his eyes, but also sadness and realization. He's starting to realize that I'm right – at least partly – and that this isn't a fight he's going to win. I can tell he's going to cave eventually, but suddenly there's a glimpse of suspicion in his eyes. He asks, "But you're at least gonna get a new partner, right? You're not gonna ride with Bosco anymore, right?"
OK, here we go. This is it. Now he's really going to get angry.
"Yes, I am," I answer, and it surprises me to hear how calm and confident I'm sounding.
Fred immediately stands up and practically yells, "Are you out of your mind? I told you both that I don't want him anywhere near my family again, and I meant it!"
"I know that, Fred, but there's nothing to discusses here. I'm going back to work, and I'm doing it as Bosco's partner. End of discussion."
He stares angrily at me. "Over my dead body!" he yells. "Or more likely, your dead body," he continues more calmly with a mean smirk on his lips.
I wince like he's hit me, and he might as well have done so. I can't believe he just said something so mean as that. "Fred, that isn't fair," I reply quietly.
"No? Do you think it's fair that I'm gonna lose my wife because she can't stay away from her fucked up, loser partner of hers, huh?"
"Fred, please. Bosco has never hurt me," I try to reason with him.
"No, maybe not in person, but you got hurt because you tried to save his sorry ass – as always. His actions got you in trouble, and he's always in trouble – one way or another – so it's just a matter of time before it happens again."
"Fred, please...."
He immediately cuts me off, and says warningly, "And don't you dare tell me that he needs you!"
"No, Fred," I state calmly. "He doesn't need me. I need him."
"What?" he exclaims in disbelief.
"It's true, Fred. You see being a cop is all about trust. You need to be able to trust your partner, to feel safe around him."
"How the hell can you feel safe around him? He got you shot!" he yells in frustration.
I feel sorry for him. There's no way he'll ever be able to understand this – especially considering he can't see the whole picture. He doesn't have a clue that the main reason that I trust Bos, is because I love him. In my heart I know - that on some level - he loves me enough to do anything in his power to keep me safe. He'd rather die himself than let me get hurt. I saw it in his eyes when he held me the night I got shot, and it scares me that I don't feel even the slightest bit of guilt for keeping that part from Fred.
"How many times do I have to tell you? It wasn't his fault! And he knows me, Fred - better than anyone else in the force. He knows how I think and react. He knows the exact moment I can't handle it any more and needs back up. If I don't ride with him I have to break in a rookie, and since he doesn't know first thing about me my chances of getting killed increase dramatically. Believe me, Fred, me riding with Bosco is your best chance to get me home in one piece."
Fred looks defeated. He isn't stupid. He knows I'm right. He just doesn't want to admit it. He runs his hand over his head in frustration and murmurs, "I can't believe this... I need to clear my head. I'm going for a walk."
"Fred..." I say pleadingly.
He puts his hands up in the air. "Just leave me alone!" With a loud 'BANG' from the door, he's gone.
I close my eyes and sigh. Light footsteps approaching the couch, and then Emily pops down beside me.
"Mom, you OK?" she asks softly with worry in her voice.
I open my eyes again and smile tiredly at her. "Yeah, I'm fine."
Emily sighs lightly. "He didn't take it well at all, did he?"
"No, not really," I murmur.
We sit in silence for a couple of minutes, but then Emily looks over at me and asks hesitatingly, "Do you really have to go back to work? Can't you just help Bosco out anyway? Can't you just be his friend in general, or something?"
"No, Em," I answer softly, "I can't. There's nowhere Bosco needs me more than at work. Work is the place where life is hardest on him. Work is the thing that causes him the most stress. Work is his life. If I'm gonna be able to help him, I need to be his partner at work."
"But you want to get back too, don't you? You would have gone back to work even if Bosco had been all right, wouldn't you?
"Yeah," I answer quietly, starting to feel uneasy. For some strange reason, I have a feeling that this conversation is going to lead to a disaster.
She looks inquiring at me. "Why?"
"Because that's what I do. It's important to me," I answer simply.
"More important than us?" she asks in a small, abandoned voice.
I sigh heavily, feeling like a really bad mother. I don't want my kids to think that they are less important to me than my work. Nothing is more important to me than them – not even Bos. Maybe Fred was right. Maybe all I do is make their lives a living hell by letting them feel like they don't matter.
"No, Emily. You're more important to me than anything, but work is important to me too, because it's a part of who I am. If something happened to you or Charlie, and I couldn't be your mother anymore, I would be devastated. I'd feel lost - like I was half a person. And I feel a little bit like that right now. Not being a cop anymore makes me feel a bit lost – like a part of me is missing. I need both parts to feel whole – to feel like me. Do you understand?"
She nods slowly. "Yeah, I think I do."
There's a short silence before she speaks again. "Bosco is a part of you, too, isn't he? You feel lost without him, don't you?"
I smile softly. "Yeah, I guess I do."
I realize way too late that that answer was a mistake. The new connection between Emily and me, together with the fact that she has been very understanding about me missing Bosco so much, is fooling me into let my guard down. I let her see right into my soul, and that's a horrible mistake. I forget that this new connection not only makes her understand me, it also allows her to see the truth, and she doesn't like it. She's always been a daddy's girl, and when it comes down to it, she's choosing him.
"But Dad isn't important to you, right? He isn't a part of who you are, is he?" she asks accusingly.
"Em, I never said he wasn't," I answer pleadingly.
"Maybe not, but it isn't so hard to figure out. You mentioned work, Charlie and me, and Bosco... but not Dad."
"You're the one who mentioned Bosco," I reply, in an attempt to defend myself.
She smirks, "I just said it out loud. He's on your mind all the time, isn't he?"
"Emily, please... it's not what you think it is."
"How do you know what I think?"
She has me there. I had to admit that. I can't know for sure what she's thinking, but I fear the worst.
She looks coldly at me, her eyes filled with anger, disappointment and realization. "You love him, don't you?"
I just nod, there's no point in lying. With this new connection between us, she would just see through me anyway, and after all she's done for Bos and me, after all we've put her through, she deserves the truth.
She just stare at me for the longest time, and then she says with a voice that's trembling with anger and disgust, "The child you aborted, was it his?"
I stare at her in horror, "God no, Emily! Of course not, it is nothing like that. We have never... he... I...." I'm too shaken to even form a sentence that makes sense. I can't believe she actually thinks I would cheat on Fred like that.
Again her eyes are filled with realization. "He doesn't love you back, does he?"
I shake my head, trying hard not to make everything worse by starting to cry.
Again she just looks at me for what seems like an eternity. Her eyes are cold as ice, and they are never leaving mine. I can't make myself to look away. I feel that I at least owe her to look her in the eyes when I destroy the last of her innocence. Finally, she looks away for a second, and when she turns her head to look at me again the anger in her eyes is gone, although the disappointment remains.
She sighs. "You don't have to worry. I'm not gonna tell Dad. I'm not gonna be the one who breaks his heart, and I'm not that selfish that I'd rather see Bosco die than let you be with him. He's obviously stupid enough to think he needs a lying, cheating person like you, but you know what? I'm happy he doesn't love you back. You deserve to suffer for doing this to Dad - for betraying us all!"
And with that last statement she walks away, and for the second time that night, I hear the apartment door close with a 'BANG'. I put my head in my hands and sigh, knowing that I probably have managed to destroy my relationship with both my daughter and husband in the same evening. I hate myself for who I am, and for what I'm doing to the people I'm supposed to love, but here's no turning back now. This time, I'm choosing Bosco, but I can't help wondering why loving him has to be totally incompatible with loving my family.
AUTHOR: faith-in-Faith
RATING: PG-13
DISCLAIMER: I don't own a thing. Never has and never will.
SPOILER: Up to and including season five, and my story "All that glitters is not gold."
AUTHOR'S NOTE: BIG thanks to all of you who are reviewing this :) You make me a very happy person :)I also know some of you want them to meet...in the next chapter, OK?
Special thanks go as always to Joey for correcting this and to Bee for helping me with my author's block :) I owe you guys – big time!
CHAPTER ELEVEN
"Mom. Mom, please wake up." Although the words are spoken in a whisper, they sound urgent and desperate. They jerk me out of my sleep, leaving me with a racing heart and a feeling of dread inside.
I open my eyelids and find myself staring into Emily's frighten eyes. "Emily, what's wrong?" I whisper worriedly.
"It's the hospital on the phone. The nurse says she needs to talk to my guardian," she replies shakily.
I'm still groggy from waking up so suddenly, and my brain doesn't understand why someone from the hospital would call my daughter, especially not since we're all at home safe and sound. Emily notices my confusion, and by whispering just one simple word, she brings the world - with all its ugliness - back to me, "Bosco."
The fear I'm feeling once realizing that something has to be wrong, makes me so afraid that I almost can't breathe. I realize that this phone call could mean that it's all over - that we've lost him. I quickly jolt out of bed, almost falling over in the process because my balance isn't good enough yet for these kind of sudden movements. Emily catches me before I hit the floor and helps me onto my feet. Fred stirs in bed and sleepily murmurs my name.
"It's OK, Fred," I whisper soothingly, "I just need to go to the bathroom." He turns on his other side and starts to snore again. Both Emily and I sigh a sigh in relief and quietly leave the room.
When we reach the kitchen, Emily picks up her cell phone from the kitchen counter and hands it over to me. I glance over at the clock on the wall, 6:30 on a Saturday morning. It can't be anything but bad news. My hands are shaking slightly as I put the phone to my ear. "Yeah?"
"Hello, this is nurse Anderson at Mercy hospital, am I speaking to Mrs. Boscorelli?"
"Um, no. My name is Faith Yokas," I answer, and my heart is pounding so hard in my chest it almost feels like it's going to pop out.
"But I am talking to Emily's guardian, aren't I?" the nurse asks, sounding a bit confused.
"Yeah," I reassure her. "I'm her mother."
"Good." There's relief in her voice, and for some reason it makes me feel even more scared.
"Well, the reason that I called is that her Dad - Officer Boscorelli's, condition has changed for the worse, and since Emily is a minor, we didn't think it was appropriate to tell her. We usually try to speak to an adult about these kind of things."
I swallow hard and reply, "It's fine, I understand. In what way is he worse?"
I look up and meet Emily's gaze. Her eyes are wide with fear and I'm silently praying that the nurse isn't about to tell me Bos is dying.
"Last night, he started to feel nauseous again, and he was in a lot of pain. He's also developing a high fever and even some shortness of breath."
"Why is that?"
"Well the fever is a normal reaction to try to help the ulcer to heal again, but in Officer Boscorelli's case, it has gotten a bit out of hand. We think the breathing difficulties are stress related. He's very fragile at the moment, which brings me to the next issue. Emily can't come and visit him for the next couple of days or so. The doctor has ordered no visitors for at least the next 24 hours."
"I see," I answer hoarsely because my mouth is dry and I'm struggling hard not to cry. I take a deep breath to pull myself together enough to be able to ask the question, the answer to which I fear more than anything.
"Exactly how serious is this? Is he going to get well again?"
"Right now, there's nothing indicating anything else. The good thing is that the ulcer hasn't started bleeding again, and the doctor is doing everything to help him. He's changed and increased his medical therapy, and the most important thing right now, is to keep his stress level as low as possible. But if nothing else happens to worsen his condition, then I'm sure he's going to start feeling better very soon," she says reassuringly.
I close my eyes and thank God for being merciful, before replying, "That's a relief. Emily has been very worried about him."
"That's very understandable. There's just one more thing I'll have to ask, and then I'll let you get back to what you were doing."
Yeah, sure, like I would be able to get back to sleep after this scare.
"Is Emily living with her father?"
"No, she's living with me and my husband. Why?" I ask defensively, afraid that something has happened to make them understand that Emily was lying.
There's a hint of relief in the nurse voice when she continues. "That's good. You have to forgive me for asking, but we were worried she was living with him, and that someone was taking care of her on temporary basis. Then Officer Boscorelli might would be worrying about her well-being, and it's important that he isn't exposed to any kind of stress right now."
"I understand, but that's not a problem. She's living with me, and if you don't mind I'd prefer if you didn't call here again - unless he's dying. We aren't really on speaking terms right now, and my husband...."
"Don't worry I understand completely. I assume his Mother will fill you in about his condition if needed, and Emily can call here whenever she wants to check on him," she replies kindly.
"Thanks," I answer weakly, feeling like a really bad person for lying to these nice people. I can't really complain, though. It was my cowardliness that got me into this awkward position in the first place; and it's like Emily said, I'm really good at lying.
"You're welcome, Mrs. Yokas."
"Thanks again, and tell him we both send our love."
"I will. Bye, Mrs. Yokas," she replies warmly.
"Bye," I answer absently and hang up.
"Mom," Emily asks anxiously, and looks at me with big, terrified eyes.
"He's worse," I answer calmly in an attempt not to scare her any further.
"Oh no," she whispers painfully. "Is he gonna die?"
"No, honey, he isn't. The nurse said he'd be fine eventually, because they have increased is medication, but right now he isn't doing so good. They wanted to know if you lived with me because they didn't want him to worry about you - or anything else – right now. She even said that no one could come and visit him for at least the next 24 hours."
"Poor Bosco," Emily says with tears in her eyes. "You have to help him, Mom. You have to help him now."
I pull her into my embrace and whisper soothingly, "I will, Emily, I will." Because I will, I'm going to talk to Fred, and I'm going to do it tonight.
"I can't believe I heard you right. You can't be serious," Fred says calmly, and stares at me, his eyes filled with mixed emotions.
There's confusion, fear, anger and hurt, and I can feel my chest tighten. This isn't easy for me to do because on some level, I still love Fred. We have had more good times than bad. We have two wonderful children together, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. But right now, that's exactly what I'm doing and it hurts me, too. Sometimes I can't understand why I always have to choose between Bosco and Fred. I wish there was a way to keep them both, but I know there isn't.
If someone had told me a year ago that I would choose Bos over Fred, I'd have thought they were completely insane, but here I am, doing it all the same. I'm well aware of the fact that I'm probably making the biggest mistake of my life, but I have no choice anymore. I can't sacrifice Bosco's life to save my marriage. I just can't, and the truth is Bosco doesn't just need me. I need him, too - probably even more than he needs me. I feel lost without him. I feel like I'm not in control of anything anymore. I need him to lean on. I need him to keep me grounded. I need him to take care of, because then I won't have to deal with my own messy life. I can't live without him. Suddenly, Fred's annoyed voice jerks me out of my thoughts.
"If you're gonna dump shit like this on me the least you can do is to listen when I talk!"
I look up at him. "I'm sorry, Fred."
"You haven't heard a word I've said, have you?" he replies accusingly, his voice rising slightly.
"I'm so sorry," I answer, feeling guilty.
"Why, Faith? Why?"
"It's my work, Fred. That's what I do. That's who I am."
He stares at me, and I can tell that anger is the feeling that's going to win out.
"I can't believe you're saying this. How can your work be more important to you than your family?"
"It isn't, but we need the money."
Fred snorts. "Find something else to do. I can't believe you're actually considering going back to a job that almost got you killed. Don't you care about us at all? Do you really want our kids to grow up without a mother?"
"Of course I don't want them to grow up without a mother, but life isn't that simple, Fred. Life is unpredictable. I can get killed on the subway on my way home, there's no guarantees for anything."
He looks at me. There's still anger in his eyes, but also sadness and realization. He's starting to realize that I'm right – at least partly – and that this isn't a fight he's going to win. I can tell he's going to cave eventually, but suddenly there's a glimpse of suspicion in his eyes. He asks, "But you're at least gonna get a new partner, right? You're not gonna ride with Bosco anymore, right?"
OK, here we go. This is it. Now he's really going to get angry.
"Yes, I am," I answer, and it surprises me to hear how calm and confident I'm sounding.
Fred immediately stands up and practically yells, "Are you out of your mind? I told you both that I don't want him anywhere near my family again, and I meant it!"
"I know that, Fred, but there's nothing to discusses here. I'm going back to work, and I'm doing it as Bosco's partner. End of discussion."
He stares angrily at me. "Over my dead body!" he yells. "Or more likely, your dead body," he continues more calmly with a mean smirk on his lips.
I wince like he's hit me, and he might as well have done so. I can't believe he just said something so mean as that. "Fred, that isn't fair," I reply quietly.
"No? Do you think it's fair that I'm gonna lose my wife because she can't stay away from her fucked up, loser partner of hers, huh?"
"Fred, please. Bosco has never hurt me," I try to reason with him.
"No, maybe not in person, but you got hurt because you tried to save his sorry ass – as always. His actions got you in trouble, and he's always in trouble – one way or another – so it's just a matter of time before it happens again."
"Fred, please...."
He immediately cuts me off, and says warningly, "And don't you dare tell me that he needs you!"
"No, Fred," I state calmly. "He doesn't need me. I need him."
"What?" he exclaims in disbelief.
"It's true, Fred. You see being a cop is all about trust. You need to be able to trust your partner, to feel safe around him."
"How the hell can you feel safe around him? He got you shot!" he yells in frustration.
I feel sorry for him. There's no way he'll ever be able to understand this – especially considering he can't see the whole picture. He doesn't have a clue that the main reason that I trust Bos, is because I love him. In my heart I know - that on some level - he loves me enough to do anything in his power to keep me safe. He'd rather die himself than let me get hurt. I saw it in his eyes when he held me the night I got shot, and it scares me that I don't feel even the slightest bit of guilt for keeping that part from Fred.
"How many times do I have to tell you? It wasn't his fault! And he knows me, Fred - better than anyone else in the force. He knows how I think and react. He knows the exact moment I can't handle it any more and needs back up. If I don't ride with him I have to break in a rookie, and since he doesn't know first thing about me my chances of getting killed increase dramatically. Believe me, Fred, me riding with Bosco is your best chance to get me home in one piece."
Fred looks defeated. He isn't stupid. He knows I'm right. He just doesn't want to admit it. He runs his hand over his head in frustration and murmurs, "I can't believe this... I need to clear my head. I'm going for a walk."
"Fred..." I say pleadingly.
He puts his hands up in the air. "Just leave me alone!" With a loud 'BANG' from the door, he's gone.
I close my eyes and sigh. Light footsteps approaching the couch, and then Emily pops down beside me.
"Mom, you OK?" she asks softly with worry in her voice.
I open my eyes again and smile tiredly at her. "Yeah, I'm fine."
Emily sighs lightly. "He didn't take it well at all, did he?"
"No, not really," I murmur.
We sit in silence for a couple of minutes, but then Emily looks over at me and asks hesitatingly, "Do you really have to go back to work? Can't you just help Bosco out anyway? Can't you just be his friend in general, or something?"
"No, Em," I answer softly, "I can't. There's nowhere Bosco needs me more than at work. Work is the place where life is hardest on him. Work is the thing that causes him the most stress. Work is his life. If I'm gonna be able to help him, I need to be his partner at work."
"But you want to get back too, don't you? You would have gone back to work even if Bosco had been all right, wouldn't you?
"Yeah," I answer quietly, starting to feel uneasy. For some strange reason, I have a feeling that this conversation is going to lead to a disaster.
She looks inquiring at me. "Why?"
"Because that's what I do. It's important to me," I answer simply.
"More important than us?" she asks in a small, abandoned voice.
I sigh heavily, feeling like a really bad mother. I don't want my kids to think that they are less important to me than my work. Nothing is more important to me than them – not even Bos. Maybe Fred was right. Maybe all I do is make their lives a living hell by letting them feel like they don't matter.
"No, Emily. You're more important to me than anything, but work is important to me too, because it's a part of who I am. If something happened to you or Charlie, and I couldn't be your mother anymore, I would be devastated. I'd feel lost - like I was half a person. And I feel a little bit like that right now. Not being a cop anymore makes me feel a bit lost – like a part of me is missing. I need both parts to feel whole – to feel like me. Do you understand?"
She nods slowly. "Yeah, I think I do."
There's a short silence before she speaks again. "Bosco is a part of you, too, isn't he? You feel lost without him, don't you?"
I smile softly. "Yeah, I guess I do."
I realize way too late that that answer was a mistake. The new connection between Emily and me, together with the fact that she has been very understanding about me missing Bosco so much, is fooling me into let my guard down. I let her see right into my soul, and that's a horrible mistake. I forget that this new connection not only makes her understand me, it also allows her to see the truth, and she doesn't like it. She's always been a daddy's girl, and when it comes down to it, she's choosing him.
"But Dad isn't important to you, right? He isn't a part of who you are, is he?" she asks accusingly.
"Em, I never said he wasn't," I answer pleadingly.
"Maybe not, but it isn't so hard to figure out. You mentioned work, Charlie and me, and Bosco... but not Dad."
"You're the one who mentioned Bosco," I reply, in an attempt to defend myself.
She smirks, "I just said it out loud. He's on your mind all the time, isn't he?"
"Emily, please... it's not what you think it is."
"How do you know what I think?"
She has me there. I had to admit that. I can't know for sure what she's thinking, but I fear the worst.
She looks coldly at me, her eyes filled with anger, disappointment and realization. "You love him, don't you?"
I just nod, there's no point in lying. With this new connection between us, she would just see through me anyway, and after all she's done for Bos and me, after all we've put her through, she deserves the truth.
She just stare at me for the longest time, and then she says with a voice that's trembling with anger and disgust, "The child you aborted, was it his?"
I stare at her in horror, "God no, Emily! Of course not, it is nothing like that. We have never... he... I...." I'm too shaken to even form a sentence that makes sense. I can't believe she actually thinks I would cheat on Fred like that.
Again her eyes are filled with realization. "He doesn't love you back, does he?"
I shake my head, trying hard not to make everything worse by starting to cry.
Again she just looks at me for what seems like an eternity. Her eyes are cold as ice, and they are never leaving mine. I can't make myself to look away. I feel that I at least owe her to look her in the eyes when I destroy the last of her innocence. Finally, she looks away for a second, and when she turns her head to look at me again the anger in her eyes is gone, although the disappointment remains.
She sighs. "You don't have to worry. I'm not gonna tell Dad. I'm not gonna be the one who breaks his heart, and I'm not that selfish that I'd rather see Bosco die than let you be with him. He's obviously stupid enough to think he needs a lying, cheating person like you, but you know what? I'm happy he doesn't love you back. You deserve to suffer for doing this to Dad - for betraying us all!"
And with that last statement she walks away, and for the second time that night, I hear the apartment door close with a 'BANG'. I put my head in my hands and sigh, knowing that I probably have managed to destroy my relationship with both my daughter and husband in the same evening. I hate myself for who I am, and for what I'm doing to the people I'm supposed to love, but here's no turning back now. This time, I'm choosing Bosco, but I can't help wondering why loving him has to be totally incompatible with loving my family.