TITLE: Do you really want me?
AUTHOR: faith-in-Faith
DISCLAIMER: Nothing of this belongs to me...
RATING: PG-13
SPOILER: Up to and including season five, and my story "All that glitters is not gold."
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks – again to Joey for her excellent beta reading, and to Bee for encouraging me, and helping me sort out the details from the actual show.
BIG thanks also for the kind reviews : ) They are great inspiration : )
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
I close the door to the detective's office, and start walking towards the stairs. I feel sick, and I'm so tired I can barely walk. It makes me all the more grateful that Sully is going to drive me home.
"Boscorelli!"
Swersky's stern voice tells me that I'm not going to get home anytime soon. I turn around to look at him. "Yeah?"
"I wanna talk to you – in my office - now!"
I sigh and nod my head. "Yes, sir."
I wonder why he feels the need to yell at me now; I thought I had sorted it out with the detectives.
"Can't it wait until tomorrow? He needs to go home, he isn't feeling well," Sully pipes up.
Swersky raises his eyebrows, and gives me a 'Don't you dare to try to get out of this,' look. "Really? Boscorelli?"
"I'm OK, sir," I answer tiredly, and look over at Sully. "I'll be OK, you can go home if you want to."
He gives me a look that, if I didn't know better, I'd call protective, leans against the wall and answers, "No. I'll wait here."
I just nod in agreement, trying not to show how relieved I am that I don't have to drive home on my own, and then I follow Swersky into his office.
Swersky closes the door and points to the chair in front of his desk. "Sit."
I sit down gratefully, because my legs feel like they're going to give out any minute. Swersky sits down at the edge of his desk, and gives me a stern look. I wonder what on earth I could have done this time to make him mad.
"I talked to Yokas today. She said she wanted me to put you two back together again."
"Yeah, I know," I answer quietly.
"She also said that she'd asked you to ask me. How come I don't remember having such a conversation with you?"
"Because I didn't ask you."
"Why? Don't you want to ride with Yokas?"
"Yes, I do, but I don't think it's such a good idea for her to be around me anymore."
"Why?"
"I just don't think it is."
He looks inquiringly at me. "Well, neither do I, but she seems to think differently. Care to explain why?"
I swallow hard, and feel like I'm going to get sick again as I answer, "I wish I could, sir, but I have no idea."
"No idea, huh?"
I shake my head, and shivers slightly. I really feel like crap, and I am overwhelmed by the need to lie down. But something in Swersky's eyes tells me it isn't going to happen anytime soon, and his gaze scares me. It's angry and cold, and suddenly I realize that it's the look he usually saves for the preps. Shit. That can't be good. I wonder what he thinks that I've done that makes him look at me this way. Then he starts talking again, and I realize just how horrible his thoughts are.
"What do you have on her?"
I can feel my eyes widen a bit, and I stare at him in horror. I can't believe I heard him right. He isn't really asking me if I'm blackmailing Faith, is he?
"What?"
"You heard me, Boscorelli. What do you have on her? What are you threatening to do to her, huh? Or is it the kids you're using to twist her arm?"
Oh my God! He really thinks I'm blackmailing Faith into riding with me. He really thinks I'm threatening her and the kids! Oh God, I can't understand why he would think something like that, but wait...yes, I can. I'm well aware that it's pretty unbelievable that someone like Faith wants to be with me in the first place, and after all that has happened, I guess it's even more unbelievable. I know I can't really blame him, but still, the thought makes me feel like I'm about to choke. I can't lose it now, though. I need to hold myself together for a couple of more minutes.
I swallow hard, and try to keep my voice steady, but it doesn't help - I'm too shocked. "No...o. Sir no! I'm not threatening her – or the kids! I...I would never do such thing...she's...I...."
I'm too shaken to even be able to finish the sentence, and a wave of pain makes a cold sweat break out on my forehead. I feel like I could throw up any minute, but I can't break down now - I just can't. I need to make him understand that – no matter how much of an idiot I am - I would never, ever do something to hurt her on purpose.
I take a deep breath, and try again. "Please, sir, believe me. I would never do anything like that - especially not to Faith. I would never hurt her – ever. I owe her my life. She's saved my ass more times than I can count. I'd rather die than to see her hurt. Please, sir, believe me. I could never hurt her."
Swersky looks doubtfully at me. "So you're telling me, that after all that's happened between Yokas and you - after she's asked for a new partner - she'd still willingly lay her life on line for you. And that, on top of it – in spite of everything that's happened with Cruz and Noble - she would want to be partnered back up with you again. Are you telling me that she would do this voluntary? Why would she do that, Bosco, if you weren't threatening her? Out of the goodness of her heart? "
I swallow hard. "I don't know, sir, but I wish I'd never asked her to be there that night. I wish I'd never asked her to be my partner all those years ago, and I wish I'd been shot instead."
And with that I lose it. I can't help it. Everything's coming back to me, and the memories of that horrible night always make me feel sick. I know there's no way I'm going to be able to make it to the bathroom in time, so I just grab the waste basket and start to heave.
"Bosco?" I can feel Swersky's hand on my back.
I put the basket down, and wipe my forehead and mouth with my sleeve. "I'm sorry, sir," I murmur.
Swersky keeps his hand on my shoulder, and the cold, angry stare in his eyes is gone. It's replaced by something that looks like a mixture of sympathy and concern.
"Sully said you weren't feeling well, was this what he meant?"
I nod carefully, afraid that I'm going to get sick again if I move too quickly.
"How long has this been going on?" he asks sternly.
"Just today, sir. It's nothing. I'll be fine."
"You sure? Maybe you should go to the hospital and get checked out. I don't want you passing out on duty again."
"I'm OK, boss; it's probably just a virus."
Swersky smiles slightly. "You're a horrible liar, Bosco – always have been."
I just look at him, because I have nothing to add. He's right – I am.
"And that's what saves you this time," he continues, "I believe you when you say you have nothing on her. I believe you when you're saying you aren't threatening her – for now. Why she still wants to be with you are beyond my comprehension...."
"Mine, too," I murmur.
"...But I've a feeling neither of us want to deny her anything at this point, am I right?"
I nod.
"So she's riding with you again – starting tomorrow. But I'm warning you, Bosco. If something happens to her that isn't clearly connected to the job, or if she ends up in trouble again because of you, or if I get any indication whatsoever, that she's afraid of you, then you're gonna wish you were dead. Do I make myself clear?"
"I already wish I was," I murmur under my breath and fight a new wave of pain.
"What?"
"I said, yes, sir."
"Good, now get out of here!"
"Yes, sir," I answer and stand up to leave, but when I do, the room starts spinning. I reach out and grab the desk with both hands to keep myself from falling.
"Bosco?"
"I'm fine," I murmur, and try to make the room stop spinning. I can tell by Swersky's actions that he doesn't believe me. He pushes me back in the chair, and guides my head down between my knees.
Then he opens the door and shouts, "SULLIVAN!"
"Yes, sir!"
"Get in here!"
I can hear Sully's heavy footsteps approaching. "What?"
"Take Boscorelli to Mercy, and make sure he gets checked out. He's sick."
"I know he is. I told you he needed to go home – and now look at him," Sully states disapprovingly.
Swersky sighs. "Just take him to Mercy, will you?"
"Come on, Bosco," Sully says kindly and takes me by the arm.
I stand up slowly, and when I'm sure the room has stop spinning, I break free. "I'm OK."
Sully nods. "I know you are."
I start to leave, when Swersky's stern voice stops me. "Remember what I told you...." Then he turns to Sully. "Make sure he really gets checked out."
We both nod, and then we finally leave the precinct.
I close the door behind me and throw my keys on the kitchen counter along with the bag from the pharmacy. I fill a glass with water, and take the new meds the doctor prescribed today. I managed to talk Sully out of taking me to the hospital last night. He made me swear to God I'd go and see my own doctor today, which wasn't too bad, seeing as how I had already planned on it.
I still feel pretty crappy. I got sick twice during the night, and although I don't own a thermometer, I'm pretty sure I'm running a fever. The doctor said that it's the ulcer that's causing my problems, and that I have to be careful so it doesn't start bleeding again. No stress, he said. Yeah, right. I wonder what kind of world he's living in. It sure as hell isn't mine. I realize, though, that I have to call in sick today. I can't work in this condition - especially not if I'm supposed to work with Faith. I don't want to scare her like I did with Sasha, and I need to be able to back her up properly. So, it's for the best I just stay home today.
I walk over to the couch, lie down, and pick up the phone. I dial the number to the precinct, and ask the day sergeant to tell Swersky that I'm not going to be in today. Then I hang up, and stare out into space with the cordless phone still in my hand. I have one more phone call to make, and I'm dreading it. I have to call Faith, and tell her I'm going to stay at home today. I don't want her to think I'm bailing on her the first day, and I don't want her to think I'm worse off than I really am. I look at my watch; it shows 10:15, which rules out the opportunity to call Emily's cell, because she's already in school. I sigh. OK, I might as well get it over with. I hit speed dial #2, and hold my breath as I wait for someone to pick up, praying it isn't going to be Fred.
"Yokas."
It's Faith, and that really is a relief. I don't have enough energy to deal with Fred right now.
"Hi, Faith, it's me."
It surprises me to hear how weak and tired my voice sounds, and I know it's going to make her worried. Not necessarily because she cares about me, but because that's how she is.
And just as I thought her next reply is, "Bosco, what 's wrong?" said in a very worried voice.
"What makes you think something's wrong?" I answer, and there's annoyance in my voice. I can't help it. It's a bad habit – a very old one.
"Well, we don't usually call each other just to chit chat, do we? And you don't sound so good either," she answers defensively, and I mentally slap myself for being a jerk. She's done nothing to deserve this. She's just showing concern.
I sigh. "I guess you're right. I'm OK. I just wanted you to know that Swersky called me to his office before I left, and told me he's putting us back together again."
"You OK with that?" she asks softly, and I can hear that she's really afraid that my answer is going to be no.
Once again, I feel like a jerk for making her believe that I don't want to be with her. I wish there was some way to make her understand that I only want what's best for her, and that being with me is no good at all.
"Yeah, I guess it is, if that's what you want," I answer just as softly.
"Yes, it is."
I run my free hand over my face in frustration. God, how I wish she'd said no.
"Why, Faith, why? Why do you want to be with me so badly?" I can't stop myself from asking, because that's what's been occupying my mind ever since that meeting in the restaurant.
"Does it really matter, Bos?" she asks with some of the old affection in her voice.
"It does to me," I reply stubbornly.
"I just want my old life back, Bosco, and that includes you. Is it really that hard to understand?" she asks in a small voice, and I know I've hurt her again.
I know that I should shut up and be grateful that she's forgiven me, but of course I just carry on as the complete idiot I am. I have never known when it's time to stop.
"Yeah, it is to me, and I'm not the only one having trouble believing it. Swersky thinks I'm blackmailing you into it!" I say angrily, although, the thought of it doesn't really make me angry - it makes me want to cry.
"Yeah, I know," she replies quietly.
"You do?" I ask in surprise.
"Yeah, he asked me about it, too."
"He did?"
"Yeah."
"When?"
"When I was still in the hospital."
I swallow hard and try to fight the pain; because of course this conversation has made me feel worse again. It's just so horrible. It's still hard for me to believe that Swersky really would think I'd do something like that, but obviously he was pretty convinced that I would. It explains all the strange looks he's been giving me the past few months and why he was so quick to believe the accusations about me taking bribes. I wonder if Faith feels the same way.
"Was that how it felt?" I ask so quietly it's almost a whisper.
I dread the answer, but I need to ask, because I'm well aware that, in a way, I did blackmail her – emotionally. I knew that she wouldn't be able to resist, when I told her she was the only one. She is, but that isn't really important right now.
"What?" She sounds genuinely surprised, like she really doesn't know what I'm talking about.
"Did it feel like I blackmailed you?"
She sounds truly shocked when she replies. "God, no! No, Bos, of course not! I trust you. I know you'd never do anything to hurt me on purpose. I lo...." She stops abruptly, and takes a deep breath before she continues, and I can't help but wondering what she was about to say. "I know you would never do something like that. I told Swersky that, but he didn't believe me. I'm really sorry, Bos."
"So we're OK then?" I ask fearfully, almost holding my breath.
"We sort it out somehow... eventually. We just need time...both of us," she answers softly.
I feel relief washing over me. She has forgiven me. I'm sure of that now, and she said she trusted me, and that itself is a miracle. If I just can keep myself from screwing up, and keep her safe, then maybe things really will be fine eventually. The tension I have been feeling the past few days, finally disappears, and makes me feel completely drained.
A violent shiver runs through my body, and I decide to go and lie down in my bed to get more comfortable. But when I stand up, I suddenly feel an almost overwhelming need to puke. I sit back on the couch, put my head in my free hand and take a deep breath, still holding the phone to my ear.
"Bosco?" Faith says questioningly.
I know that if I don't answer her, she's going to get worried, but I don't dare to open my mouth out of fear of throwing up.
"Bosco, you OK?" her voice is very worried now.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," I manage to get out in a strained voice, as I lay back down on the couch.
"You sure? You really don't sound good."
I sigh. I better tell her I'm sick, after all, that was the purpose of this conversation in the first place. "I'm sick, OK? That's why I called. I wanted to tell you we're back together, but I won't be in for a couple of days, because I'm sick."
"Bosco, what's wrong? It isn't that ulcer again, is it?" she asks, with something that almost sounds like fear in her voice.
I close my eyes, feeling like a traitor. I promised her not to get sick again, but still I am. At least it isn't bleeding, and that has to count for something, right?
"Yes it is, but you don't have to worry. It isn't bleeding or anything. I'm just having some trouble to keeping food down," I answer, and try hard to sound like it's no big deal, but I'm well aware that she isn't going to buy it. She's always been hard to fool, and I know the exhaustion in my voice gives me away.
"Are you sure? You really don't sound OK, and I can tell you're in pain. Maybe you should go to the hospital."
"Relax, Faith. I'm fine, and I have been to the doctor. He gave me some new pills, and told me to rest, and that's why I'm gonna stay at home," I answer with a hint of annoyance in my voice. I hate myself for acting like this, but I've never been good at handling concern - not even from her.
"Are you planning on taking them, too?" she asks sternly, and I can't help but smile. She knows me too well.
"Yes I do. Actually, I already have," I answer in my usual defensive voice to show her that I'm OK, and my usual grumpy self.
I shudder violently when another chill runs through by body along with a wave of exhaustion, and I know I need to get into bed and get some sleep, before I pass out.
"Look, Faith, I need to get some rest. I see you in a couple of days, OK?"
"OK. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you need me to get you anything? Like food, or something?" she asks kindly.
I smile again. She's so caring and protective, I had no idea how much I missed it - until now.
"No, I'm fine."
"You sure?"
"Come to think of it, there is something you can do," I answer softly.
"Anything, Bos."
"Stay at the desk until I come back, OK?"
"Why?"
"Just humor me, please," I beg softly, because I'm not brave enough to tell her that I'll rest better if I know she's safe. But of course she reads my mind. She's always been able to do that.
"OK, what ever makes you feel comfortable, Bos," she replies softly. "You just rest and get better now, and I'll see you soon, OK?"
I swallow hard because the fondness in her voice makes me feel like crying. This illness is really turning me into a wimp. "OK, I'll talk to you later," I answer tiredly, in a somewhat scratchy voice.
"Yeah, and, Bos? If you need anything - anything at all - please call me...or Emily's cell, OK?"
"OK."
"Promise," she begs worriedly.
"I swear. Bye, Faith. See you soon."
"Yeah, soon, but there's no rush. You need to get well first, OK?"
"OK."
"Good, bye, Bosco."
"Bye."
I hang up the phone, and slowly make my way to my bedroom. I climb into the bed, bundling up, trying to get warm. I feel almost happy. Maybe Faith and I really will be OK, eventually. At least she really does care, and right now, that's good enough for me.
AUTHOR: faith-in-Faith
DISCLAIMER: Nothing of this belongs to me...
RATING: PG-13
SPOILER: Up to and including season five, and my story "All that glitters is not gold."
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks – again to Joey for her excellent beta reading, and to Bee for encouraging me, and helping me sort out the details from the actual show.
BIG thanks also for the kind reviews : ) They are great inspiration : )
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
I close the door to the detective's office, and start walking towards the stairs. I feel sick, and I'm so tired I can barely walk. It makes me all the more grateful that Sully is going to drive me home.
"Boscorelli!"
Swersky's stern voice tells me that I'm not going to get home anytime soon. I turn around to look at him. "Yeah?"
"I wanna talk to you – in my office - now!"
I sigh and nod my head. "Yes, sir."
I wonder why he feels the need to yell at me now; I thought I had sorted it out with the detectives.
"Can't it wait until tomorrow? He needs to go home, he isn't feeling well," Sully pipes up.
Swersky raises his eyebrows, and gives me a 'Don't you dare to try to get out of this,' look. "Really? Boscorelli?"
"I'm OK, sir," I answer tiredly, and look over at Sully. "I'll be OK, you can go home if you want to."
He gives me a look that, if I didn't know better, I'd call protective, leans against the wall and answers, "No. I'll wait here."
I just nod in agreement, trying not to show how relieved I am that I don't have to drive home on my own, and then I follow Swersky into his office.
Swersky closes the door and points to the chair in front of his desk. "Sit."
I sit down gratefully, because my legs feel like they're going to give out any minute. Swersky sits down at the edge of his desk, and gives me a stern look. I wonder what on earth I could have done this time to make him mad.
"I talked to Yokas today. She said she wanted me to put you two back together again."
"Yeah, I know," I answer quietly.
"She also said that she'd asked you to ask me. How come I don't remember having such a conversation with you?"
"Because I didn't ask you."
"Why? Don't you want to ride with Yokas?"
"Yes, I do, but I don't think it's such a good idea for her to be around me anymore."
"Why?"
"I just don't think it is."
He looks inquiringly at me. "Well, neither do I, but she seems to think differently. Care to explain why?"
I swallow hard, and feel like I'm going to get sick again as I answer, "I wish I could, sir, but I have no idea."
"No idea, huh?"
I shake my head, and shivers slightly. I really feel like crap, and I am overwhelmed by the need to lie down. But something in Swersky's eyes tells me it isn't going to happen anytime soon, and his gaze scares me. It's angry and cold, and suddenly I realize that it's the look he usually saves for the preps. Shit. That can't be good. I wonder what he thinks that I've done that makes him look at me this way. Then he starts talking again, and I realize just how horrible his thoughts are.
"What do you have on her?"
I can feel my eyes widen a bit, and I stare at him in horror. I can't believe I heard him right. He isn't really asking me if I'm blackmailing Faith, is he?
"What?"
"You heard me, Boscorelli. What do you have on her? What are you threatening to do to her, huh? Or is it the kids you're using to twist her arm?"
Oh my God! He really thinks I'm blackmailing Faith into riding with me. He really thinks I'm threatening her and the kids! Oh God, I can't understand why he would think something like that, but wait...yes, I can. I'm well aware that it's pretty unbelievable that someone like Faith wants to be with me in the first place, and after all that has happened, I guess it's even more unbelievable. I know I can't really blame him, but still, the thought makes me feel like I'm about to choke. I can't lose it now, though. I need to hold myself together for a couple of more minutes.
I swallow hard, and try to keep my voice steady, but it doesn't help - I'm too shocked. "No...o. Sir no! I'm not threatening her – or the kids! I...I would never do such thing...she's...I...."
I'm too shaken to even be able to finish the sentence, and a wave of pain makes a cold sweat break out on my forehead. I feel like I could throw up any minute, but I can't break down now - I just can't. I need to make him understand that – no matter how much of an idiot I am - I would never, ever do something to hurt her on purpose.
I take a deep breath, and try again. "Please, sir, believe me. I would never do anything like that - especially not to Faith. I would never hurt her – ever. I owe her my life. She's saved my ass more times than I can count. I'd rather die than to see her hurt. Please, sir, believe me. I could never hurt her."
Swersky looks doubtfully at me. "So you're telling me, that after all that's happened between Yokas and you - after she's asked for a new partner - she'd still willingly lay her life on line for you. And that, on top of it – in spite of everything that's happened with Cruz and Noble - she would want to be partnered back up with you again. Are you telling me that she would do this voluntary? Why would she do that, Bosco, if you weren't threatening her? Out of the goodness of her heart? "
I swallow hard. "I don't know, sir, but I wish I'd never asked her to be there that night. I wish I'd never asked her to be my partner all those years ago, and I wish I'd been shot instead."
And with that I lose it. I can't help it. Everything's coming back to me, and the memories of that horrible night always make me feel sick. I know there's no way I'm going to be able to make it to the bathroom in time, so I just grab the waste basket and start to heave.
"Bosco?" I can feel Swersky's hand on my back.
I put the basket down, and wipe my forehead and mouth with my sleeve. "I'm sorry, sir," I murmur.
Swersky keeps his hand on my shoulder, and the cold, angry stare in his eyes is gone. It's replaced by something that looks like a mixture of sympathy and concern.
"Sully said you weren't feeling well, was this what he meant?"
I nod carefully, afraid that I'm going to get sick again if I move too quickly.
"How long has this been going on?" he asks sternly.
"Just today, sir. It's nothing. I'll be fine."
"You sure? Maybe you should go to the hospital and get checked out. I don't want you passing out on duty again."
"I'm OK, boss; it's probably just a virus."
Swersky smiles slightly. "You're a horrible liar, Bosco – always have been."
I just look at him, because I have nothing to add. He's right – I am.
"And that's what saves you this time," he continues, "I believe you when you say you have nothing on her. I believe you when you're saying you aren't threatening her – for now. Why she still wants to be with you are beyond my comprehension...."
"Mine, too," I murmur.
"...But I've a feeling neither of us want to deny her anything at this point, am I right?"
I nod.
"So she's riding with you again – starting tomorrow. But I'm warning you, Bosco. If something happens to her that isn't clearly connected to the job, or if she ends up in trouble again because of you, or if I get any indication whatsoever, that she's afraid of you, then you're gonna wish you were dead. Do I make myself clear?"
"I already wish I was," I murmur under my breath and fight a new wave of pain.
"What?"
"I said, yes, sir."
"Good, now get out of here!"
"Yes, sir," I answer and stand up to leave, but when I do, the room starts spinning. I reach out and grab the desk with both hands to keep myself from falling.
"Bosco?"
"I'm fine," I murmur, and try to make the room stop spinning. I can tell by Swersky's actions that he doesn't believe me. He pushes me back in the chair, and guides my head down between my knees.
Then he opens the door and shouts, "SULLIVAN!"
"Yes, sir!"
"Get in here!"
I can hear Sully's heavy footsteps approaching. "What?"
"Take Boscorelli to Mercy, and make sure he gets checked out. He's sick."
"I know he is. I told you he needed to go home – and now look at him," Sully states disapprovingly.
Swersky sighs. "Just take him to Mercy, will you?"
"Come on, Bosco," Sully says kindly and takes me by the arm.
I stand up slowly, and when I'm sure the room has stop spinning, I break free. "I'm OK."
Sully nods. "I know you are."
I start to leave, when Swersky's stern voice stops me. "Remember what I told you...." Then he turns to Sully. "Make sure he really gets checked out."
We both nod, and then we finally leave the precinct.
I close the door behind me and throw my keys on the kitchen counter along with the bag from the pharmacy. I fill a glass with water, and take the new meds the doctor prescribed today. I managed to talk Sully out of taking me to the hospital last night. He made me swear to God I'd go and see my own doctor today, which wasn't too bad, seeing as how I had already planned on it.
I still feel pretty crappy. I got sick twice during the night, and although I don't own a thermometer, I'm pretty sure I'm running a fever. The doctor said that it's the ulcer that's causing my problems, and that I have to be careful so it doesn't start bleeding again. No stress, he said. Yeah, right. I wonder what kind of world he's living in. It sure as hell isn't mine. I realize, though, that I have to call in sick today. I can't work in this condition - especially not if I'm supposed to work with Faith. I don't want to scare her like I did with Sasha, and I need to be able to back her up properly. So, it's for the best I just stay home today.
I walk over to the couch, lie down, and pick up the phone. I dial the number to the precinct, and ask the day sergeant to tell Swersky that I'm not going to be in today. Then I hang up, and stare out into space with the cordless phone still in my hand. I have one more phone call to make, and I'm dreading it. I have to call Faith, and tell her I'm going to stay at home today. I don't want her to think I'm bailing on her the first day, and I don't want her to think I'm worse off than I really am. I look at my watch; it shows 10:15, which rules out the opportunity to call Emily's cell, because she's already in school. I sigh. OK, I might as well get it over with. I hit speed dial #2, and hold my breath as I wait for someone to pick up, praying it isn't going to be Fred.
"Yokas."
It's Faith, and that really is a relief. I don't have enough energy to deal with Fred right now.
"Hi, Faith, it's me."
It surprises me to hear how weak and tired my voice sounds, and I know it's going to make her worried. Not necessarily because she cares about me, but because that's how she is.
And just as I thought her next reply is, "Bosco, what 's wrong?" said in a very worried voice.
"What makes you think something's wrong?" I answer, and there's annoyance in my voice. I can't help it. It's a bad habit – a very old one.
"Well, we don't usually call each other just to chit chat, do we? And you don't sound so good either," she answers defensively, and I mentally slap myself for being a jerk. She's done nothing to deserve this. She's just showing concern.
I sigh. "I guess you're right. I'm OK. I just wanted you to know that Swersky called me to his office before I left, and told me he's putting us back together again."
"You OK with that?" she asks softly, and I can hear that she's really afraid that my answer is going to be no.
Once again, I feel like a jerk for making her believe that I don't want to be with her. I wish there was some way to make her understand that I only want what's best for her, and that being with me is no good at all.
"Yeah, I guess it is, if that's what you want," I answer just as softly.
"Yes, it is."
I run my free hand over my face in frustration. God, how I wish she'd said no.
"Why, Faith, why? Why do you want to be with me so badly?" I can't stop myself from asking, because that's what's been occupying my mind ever since that meeting in the restaurant.
"Does it really matter, Bos?" she asks with some of the old affection in her voice.
"It does to me," I reply stubbornly.
"I just want my old life back, Bosco, and that includes you. Is it really that hard to understand?" she asks in a small voice, and I know I've hurt her again.
I know that I should shut up and be grateful that she's forgiven me, but of course I just carry on as the complete idiot I am. I have never known when it's time to stop.
"Yeah, it is to me, and I'm not the only one having trouble believing it. Swersky thinks I'm blackmailing you into it!" I say angrily, although, the thought of it doesn't really make me angry - it makes me want to cry.
"Yeah, I know," she replies quietly.
"You do?" I ask in surprise.
"Yeah, he asked me about it, too."
"He did?"
"Yeah."
"When?"
"When I was still in the hospital."
I swallow hard and try to fight the pain; because of course this conversation has made me feel worse again. It's just so horrible. It's still hard for me to believe that Swersky really would think I'd do something like that, but obviously he was pretty convinced that I would. It explains all the strange looks he's been giving me the past few months and why he was so quick to believe the accusations about me taking bribes. I wonder if Faith feels the same way.
"Was that how it felt?" I ask so quietly it's almost a whisper.
I dread the answer, but I need to ask, because I'm well aware that, in a way, I did blackmail her – emotionally. I knew that she wouldn't be able to resist, when I told her she was the only one. She is, but that isn't really important right now.
"What?" She sounds genuinely surprised, like she really doesn't know what I'm talking about.
"Did it feel like I blackmailed you?"
She sounds truly shocked when she replies. "God, no! No, Bos, of course not! I trust you. I know you'd never do anything to hurt me on purpose. I lo...." She stops abruptly, and takes a deep breath before she continues, and I can't help but wondering what she was about to say. "I know you would never do something like that. I told Swersky that, but he didn't believe me. I'm really sorry, Bos."
"So we're OK then?" I ask fearfully, almost holding my breath.
"We sort it out somehow... eventually. We just need time...both of us," she answers softly.
I feel relief washing over me. She has forgiven me. I'm sure of that now, and she said she trusted me, and that itself is a miracle. If I just can keep myself from screwing up, and keep her safe, then maybe things really will be fine eventually. The tension I have been feeling the past few days, finally disappears, and makes me feel completely drained.
A violent shiver runs through my body, and I decide to go and lie down in my bed to get more comfortable. But when I stand up, I suddenly feel an almost overwhelming need to puke. I sit back on the couch, put my head in my free hand and take a deep breath, still holding the phone to my ear.
"Bosco?" Faith says questioningly.
I know that if I don't answer her, she's going to get worried, but I don't dare to open my mouth out of fear of throwing up.
"Bosco, you OK?" her voice is very worried now.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," I manage to get out in a strained voice, as I lay back down on the couch.
"You sure? You really don't sound good."
I sigh. I better tell her I'm sick, after all, that was the purpose of this conversation in the first place. "I'm sick, OK? That's why I called. I wanted to tell you we're back together, but I won't be in for a couple of days, because I'm sick."
"Bosco, what's wrong? It isn't that ulcer again, is it?" she asks, with something that almost sounds like fear in her voice.
I close my eyes, feeling like a traitor. I promised her not to get sick again, but still I am. At least it isn't bleeding, and that has to count for something, right?
"Yes it is, but you don't have to worry. It isn't bleeding or anything. I'm just having some trouble to keeping food down," I answer, and try hard to sound like it's no big deal, but I'm well aware that she isn't going to buy it. She's always been hard to fool, and I know the exhaustion in my voice gives me away.
"Are you sure? You really don't sound OK, and I can tell you're in pain. Maybe you should go to the hospital."
"Relax, Faith. I'm fine, and I have been to the doctor. He gave me some new pills, and told me to rest, and that's why I'm gonna stay at home," I answer with a hint of annoyance in my voice. I hate myself for acting like this, but I've never been good at handling concern - not even from her.
"Are you planning on taking them, too?" she asks sternly, and I can't help but smile. She knows me too well.
"Yes I do. Actually, I already have," I answer in my usual defensive voice to show her that I'm OK, and my usual grumpy self.
I shudder violently when another chill runs through by body along with a wave of exhaustion, and I know I need to get into bed and get some sleep, before I pass out.
"Look, Faith, I need to get some rest. I see you in a couple of days, OK?"
"OK. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you need me to get you anything? Like food, or something?" she asks kindly.
I smile again. She's so caring and protective, I had no idea how much I missed it - until now.
"No, I'm fine."
"You sure?"
"Come to think of it, there is something you can do," I answer softly.
"Anything, Bos."
"Stay at the desk until I come back, OK?"
"Why?"
"Just humor me, please," I beg softly, because I'm not brave enough to tell her that I'll rest better if I know she's safe. But of course she reads my mind. She's always been able to do that.
"OK, what ever makes you feel comfortable, Bos," she replies softly. "You just rest and get better now, and I'll see you soon, OK?"
I swallow hard because the fondness in her voice makes me feel like crying. This illness is really turning me into a wimp. "OK, I'll talk to you later," I answer tiredly, in a somewhat scratchy voice.
"Yeah, and, Bos? If you need anything - anything at all - please call me...or Emily's cell, OK?"
"OK."
"Promise," she begs worriedly.
"I swear. Bye, Faith. See you soon."
"Yeah, soon, but there's no rush. You need to get well first, OK?"
"OK."
"Good, bye, Bosco."
"Bye."
I hang up the phone, and slowly make my way to my bedroom. I climb into the bed, bundling up, trying to get warm. I feel almost happy. Maybe Faith and I really will be OK, eventually. At least she really does care, and right now, that's good enough for me.