TITLE: Do you really want me?
AUTHOR: faith-in-Faith
SUMMARY: What if Faith did love Bosco....
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of these characters. Just borrow them for my own pleasure. :)
RATING: PG-13
SPOILER: Up to and including season five – most of it anyway, and my story "All that glitters is not gold."
FEEDBACK: Yes, please : ) and feel free to mail me anytime. :)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Long time since the last update....I'm very sorry but the reasons I like fanfiction better than reality kind of made me stay in there way too long. ;) Plus that another story distracted me, but that's a whole other story ;)
To those of my wonderful reviewers (I love you all :D ) who told me Faith isn't like Bosco says; You're right! Of course she isn't, but he's Bosco and he hates the things he can't control and that's one of the reason he's so angry at her. : )Finally, because any author's note of mine would be incomplete without it, a big THANK YOU to Joey for all her support.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
I put the teapot and the plate with the sandwich down on the coffee table and drop down on the couch, letting a sigh escape my lips. I grab the remote and start flipping through the channels but after a couple of minutes I give up. There's nothing on TV that I want to watch right now. I turn it off and enjoy the silence, and the luxury of being completely alone on a day off. I have to admit that I thought I'd feel lonely when Fred and the kids left. The feeling of despair and complete loneliness I felt that day at the restaurant, when he told me it was over, scared me to death at the time. It even forced the rage and feeling of betrayal over his unfaithfulness away, leaving me feeling lost and lonely like a child. Now what? What am I supposed to do now? Without my husband and kids to care for? The answer was - as always - take care of Bosco.
The death of his brother left him in a horrible condition mentally. I have to admit that it surprised me - almost scared me. I mean, I know he's very fragile nowadays and that he isn't the same anymore as he was when I first met him. I know he isn't superman - I really do, and still his complete lack of ability to deal with his loss surprised me. He has always seemed kind of untouchable to me - like nothing could ever really destroy him. Even after his breakdown three years ago he came back pretty much the same as he was before. Like a kid who stands up and brushes the dust of his pants after a fall before going back to play again, like nothing has happened - but not this time. This time he really was a wreck and it scared me, still does actually, because I need him to be strong. He's the only one I have left and I know that I can't put the reaction to the things that have happened in my own life away forever. Sooner or later the reality, with all its ugliness, is going to catch up with me and then I'm going to need him.
I can't believe how much time I've spent with him lately in order to keep him form going over the edge. The first three weeks after the funeral he just couldn't't stand the thought of being alone. So when he wasn't with his Ma, he wanted, needed, me to be around and why wouldn't I be? It's not like I have anything better to do nowadays.... I even managed to keep him from ending up at the hospital again, although I'm sure it was a close call in the beginning. Sully was extremely worried about it, telling me over and over again that I had to watch him carefully. But he had nothing to worry about, I'm a mom, I know how to keep people healthy. I made him eat and stayed with him almost 24/7 in order to make sure he slept, and obviously it worked.
He's better now, though. It seems like he's going to pull through and I can't help but feel a bit proud that we made it – again. This past week he's been OK enough to be able to be alone every time I have called to check on him, and that's a relief. I was beginning to think that he wasn't going to make it through this time - that he would remain a mental wreck forever.
In spite of how hard this has been on Bos, these two months have been great for me. To be able to be near him, to talk to him, to touch him, in a way even being allowed to love him, is soothing in itself and makes the sorrow over my destroyed marriage, and the loneliness following in its trace, so much easier to bearThe way we are nowadays has me thinking that if I told him I loved him; he'd say it back. I know it's just wishful thinking but I've never felt this close to him before.
A loud knock on the door jerks me out of my thoughts. I frown slightly. Who can that be? I'm not expecting any visitors today. The kids are with Fred, and Bosco said he would see me at work tomorrow but maybe it's him anyway. Maybe he feels lonely. I stand up and go over to the door, peaking through the peak hole. It's Bosco outside and I can't help but smile. I was right – it was him. The thought that he can't keep away from me makes me feel warm inside.
I unlock the door and hold it open for him to enter. "Hi."
The smile on my face quickly disappears when he brushes past me without a word.
"Bosco?"
He turns to look at me and the way he looks makes me really worried. He's pale and seems out of breath. I wonder what could possible have happened to get him this worked up. He looks like he's on the verge of having a panic attack and his eyes have that haunted, angry look that I hate so much. The one that says, "I hate the world."
"Bosco, what's wrong?"
He doesn't't answer, just looks at me wide-eyedand I can tell he's struggling hard to calm his breathing.
"Come on, let's sit down," I suggest, gently putting my hand on his shoulder.
He immediately shrugs it off with angry movements. "Don't touch me!"
Both his reply and his actions surprise me and I frown slightly. It has been a while since he was this touchy when it came to physical contact, but - on the other hand - it has been a long time since he was his old self. This past week he has come very close, though, so I guess it's inevitable but I'm still very worried. Whatever this is about it's hitting him hard and I really hope he isn't about to shut me out again, because then we're going to be back to square one in no time.
"Bosco, what's going on?" I ask gently.
He turns around to face me. The rage in his eyes is enormous, and his voice has a cold, angry tone. If I didn't know him as well as I do, I'd be scared. "Well, that's what I wanna know, too. Why don't you tell me?"
He practically chokes out the words and his inability to breathe properly seems to get worse with every passing second. I know I have to find a way to make him calm down or he's going to have a full blown panic attack within minutes.
"Bosco, please come and sit down. You need to calm down and start breathing, OK? Just come and sit here on the couch and breathe, please? I promise we will sort out what ever is going on, but you need to calm down first, OK?"
I keep my voice soft but firm because I've learned through these past couple of months that that's what works best when he's worked up like this.
He glares angrily at me, like I was the one who'd betrayed him this time, but just as I thought, he humors me and sits down on the couch and starts to concentrate on taking deep breaths. Considering his outburst earlier I don't dare touch him, so instead I try to sooth him by only using my voice.
"That's it, Bos, just breathe. Everything's gonna be OK."
"No it's not," he replies shakily and looks up at me.
The expression in his eyes is something between disappointment, anger, sadness and fear and for the first time in a very long time I can't read him. I really don't have a clue on what could have made him this upset.
"Yes it is. There's never anything so bad it can't be fixed, remember?" I say firmly.
That's a kind of mantra I have been giving him as a comfort through all this with Mikey. A way of making him believe that there's always going to be another, better, day.
He doesn't't answer, just stares at me, and for a moment the anger in his eyes disappears and the despair that he's been hiding behind it becomes visible. It's a kind of despair so unfathomable that it takes my breath a way and makes me feel like I'm getting choked. It only lasts for a few moments, though, then the anger is back again and when he speakshis voice is hard and cold. "Trust can never be rebuilt."
I frown slightly. I'm really not following. "What happened today, Bos? Please tell me what happened," I coax gently.
He continues to stare at me and the hard, cold, almost cruel look in his eyes makes me feel uneasy. "I saw Emily today and she told me some really interesting stuff."
Shit! He knows about Fred. Well, that explains a lot of his anger but not all of it. Of course he's angry because I didn't't tell him right away, but is it really possibly that he could get this worked up just because I didn't't tell him that? Maybe... he's kind of unpredictable nowadays.
"Please, Bos, don't be mad. It's not that I don't trust you. I just thought you had enough to worry about as it was. I didn't't want to add to it by making you worry about me, too."
"I don't understand why you keep treating me like I'm made of glass. I'm not that fragile!" he practically yells.
I have to bite my tongue to keep myself from telling him that the fact that I have spent practically every free minute the last three months at his apartment, trying to keep him from having a complete break down, and that fact that he just showed up on my door-step on the verge of a panic attack, proves that he's just that fragile. But I don't think that would make anything any better so I don't. Instead I decide to try to reason with him.
"Bos, please listen to me...."
He cuts me off. "But that's not even the biggest issue here, Faith. She told me something else, too. Something really interesting – something about your love-life."
I swear my heart has stopped beating. No. She can't have told him, can she? No, please, she can't hate me that much, but his next reply tells me she does.
Hetiltshis head to the left slightly and asks in an angry, mocking voice, "Is there anything you wanna tell me, Faith, huh? Something important, like that you love me or something"
I close my eyes. I want to die because I know my worst nightmare has come true. Not only does he know that I love him but he hates it, too, and why wouldn't't he? I have always known that the fact that I love him would disgust him. I'm not the kind of woman he likes and I can't offer him the kind of relationship he wants. He doesn't't want me, period. Never has and never will. I have always known that, and that's one of the biggest reasons why I never told him. I knew that if he ever found out, I'd lose him in a heartbeat and I curse myself for letting his behaviorthe last couple of months fool me into believing otherwise. I'm starting to feel numb as I look into his cold, angry eyes. The truth is that I can't remember ever seeing him this angry with me before and I know I'm doomed. There's no going back from this. I don't know what to say because I know nothing I say can make it any better, but I try anyway.
"Please, Bos, don't be mad I...." I start pleadingly but he immediately cuts me off.
"So, it's true then?"
I just nod because what could I possible say to make this better? I love him and he hates it. That's the simple truth, and it's not like I could make it all go away all of a sudden when I haven't been able to do it for twelve years – despite my best efforts.
"She said you always had, since the day you met me. Is that true, too?"
I nod again.
"Why the hell didn't you tell me?!" he shouts angrily.
"I didn't think you'd like it," I answer quietly.
"You're damn right I wouldn't! And I don't like it any better now. How the hell could you do this to me, Yokas?!"
I swallow hard. I can't remember when he last called me Yokas but it sure was a long time agoThe feeling of loss is alreadystarting to consume me, but somewhere deep inside I'm hurt, too. He makes it look like I just have committed a crime or something and that feels very unfair. All I ever did was to love him and it sure as hell was a big mistake, but it wasn't a crime.
"Why are you so angry?" I ask defensively. "As far as I know it isn't a crime to love someone."
"Why am I so angry? How dare youask me that, what the hell do you think? For twelve years I thought I had a friend that I could trust. A friend that would always be there for me no matter what – unconditionally! And then I suddenly find out that all she ever wanted, all theseyears, was to get inside my pants! How do you think that feels, huh? I trusted you, Faith. I trusted you! "
I close my eyes again in an attempt to stop my tears from falling. I don't want him to see that I'm crying, but still I can't stop myself. His words cut through my soul like a knife and it hurts so much I want to die. I can't believe that he really thinks I would ever do something like that. I can't believe he thinks that myloving him is about sex. I love him. I love him so much that I'd die for him – actually I almost did - and it has nothing to do with sex, nothing. It never has. The truth is that if all I wanted from him was sex; he'd probably had given it to me if I asked. He sleeps with anyone as long as there're no commitments or conditions connected with it. I want to tell him that. I want to yell back, to hurt him like he hurt me, but I can't. I'm too humiliated and devastated and I know he's right – at least partly. In a way I did deceivehim by not telling him the truth and the problem is that my only reason for that is pure selfishness. I knew he'd leave if I told him and I knew I'd never be able to get through the day without him, so I just kept my mouth shut, telling myself I wasn't lying to him. The problem is that hiding something from someone gets unpleasantly close to lying.
"Please, Bos. It was never like that. This isn't about sex. - never has been," I say in a humiliated whisper, desperately trying to keep my voice from shaking.
He narrows his eyes. "No? Then what is it about?"
"Need," I whisper painfully, feeling tears running down my cheeks. "It's all about need. I knew you would leave if I told you and I needed you to be able get through the day."
"Do you have any idea how selfish that is?" he asks in disbelieve. "And don't you dare think that crying is gonna do you any good!" he adds warningly when he notice the tears on my cheeks.
I look down at my hands and swallow hard, willing myself to stop crying. But it doesn't help. This hurt too much, not only am I losing him but he hates me, too, and worst of all; he thinks that all I've ever done for him was because I wanted to have sex with him. I want to be mad at him but I can't. I love him too much.
"I know, Bos, and I'm sorry. Really, really sorry, but please believe me when I say that I'd never tried to take advantaged of your vulnerability – never. I love you too much to ever do something like that."
My voice is shaking and my tears are running freely down my cheeks. I know I shouldn't cry and I know I shouldn't tell him that I love him, but it's not like I'm ever going to see him again after today anyway. He said crying wasn't going to do me any good but still I can see his features soften and when he speaks again he isn't yelling anymore.
"You lied to me, Faith. You lied to me the entire time. You lied to me for twelve years."
The pain and hurt in his eyes make me cry harder because hurting him is the last thing I ever wanted to do, and still that seems to be the only thing I'm good at.
"I didn't lie."
"You hid the truth - that's the same thing."
He speaks the words quietly and all the anger in his voice is gone. Instead he sounds sad and defeated.
I burry my face in my hands and start to cry even harder and my reply comes out as a choked, shaky whisper.
"I'm so...o sor...ry, Bos. I'm so so...r...ry. I didn't mean to hu...u...rt you. I just no....o...t live witho....ut you. I just couldn't."
I know exactly how pathetic I'm sounding and I hate myself for it, but I can't help it. Bosco is everything to me, and I will gladly sacrifice my dignity if there's even the tiniest chance to keep him with me.
"Well, you better find a way because I'm out of here, and I don't wanna see you anywhere near me again! Do you hear me? If you can't find another job, let me know and I'll try to find one for myself instead."
The anger is back in his voice and I just nod in reply.
"But you can always tell Swersky you need him to transfer me because I blackmailed you to be with me. After all, that's what he thinks I do anyway, right?" he adds sarcastically.
I look up at him through my tears and say pleadingly, "Please, Bos, don't act like this. Can't we at least be friends?"
I can't stand the thought that the last words he'll ever speak to me will be angry. He just stares at me for a long moment, and when he speaks again his voice is tired and if I didn't know better I'd say there's tears in his eyes.
"That's what I always thought we were." And with that he turns around and leaves the apartment.
I slide down on the floor and curl up on my side, crying hysterically. I have never felt this lonely before. Fred is gone; he has left me for another woman, taking my kids with him, and now I've lost the only person I had left. My secret finally caught up with me and made me lose the only man I ever truly wanted. The one person I thought I could count on to stand by my side forever, and now I know that I lied to him again. There are things so bad they can't be fixed. I have lost everything and right now I can't think of one single reason to keep living.