TITLE: Do you really want me?

AUTHOR: faith-in-Faith

RATINGS: PG-13

DISCLAIMER: These characters do not belong to me. I just borrow them to have some fun. ; )

SPOILER: Up to and including season five and my story "All that glitters is not gold."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm back! And I'm so very sorry that this update took so long to get out. It has been done forever but my computer broke down and it took two weeks to fix it : ( and there was no way for me to get it out. So please forgive me and I'll try to make it up to you by putting up a new update ASAP!

For you who have been worried that I would drop the story all together: don't worry about that ever again, because unless something happens to me it's not going to happen. That's not how I work. : )

Well, enough of this talking; here's the next chapter. :D

CHAPTER NINETEEN

I slowly change into my uniform, watching my hands shake. I feel like crap. After the confrontation with Faith last night, I went home and tried to calm down. I couldn't. Instead I ended up having another panic attack, and since Faith is the only one who seems to be able to calm me down - and she was the reason I had one in the first place - it ended up being a very bad one. I thought I was going to die and it left me exhausted but unable to sleep. Now I'm so tired it feels like I can barely stand. I know I probably shouldn't even be here but I can't stand the thought of being alone in my apartment all day. It gives me way too much time to think of Faith and her betrayal. I still can't believe that she has been in love with me all these years without telling me. The fact that she admitted that her reasons for not to tell me were purely selfish only makes me angrier. "Needed me to be able get through the day" – what a load of crap!

She had everything, a husband who loved her, two beautiful kids and a job she obviously loved – what the hell would she need me for? She must be nuts and I have every right to be angry. I know I do, but still I have an unpleasant, nagging feeling that tells me that even, though, I'm angry I went too far when I confronted her. It was wrong of her not to tell me. It was wrong of her not to give me a chance to decide what I thought about the whole thing, and it was wrong of her not to give me a chance to get out of something as complicated as this. But I have a feeling I was unfair when I accused her of trying to get inside my pants. Truth is that she had a lot of opportunities to take advantaged of me, but she never did. She practically lived with me for three months and never once did she try to do something I didn't ask her to do.

In twelve years she has never tried to touch me unless she had to check me out when I was injured or trying to sooth me, and even then she let me take the first step. Whatever she wanted with this, it wasn't to get laid but it doesn't matter. I'm still angry with her for keeping something as important as this from me for so many years. The thought of her tears bothers me, too. I'm not used to see her crying like that. She's usually too proud to let anyone see how much they have hurt her and how vulnerable she is. The desperate look in her eyes, the way she didn't even try to defend herself when I accused her of all sorts of ugly things, makes me feel uneasy – almost sick…but I refuse to feel sorry for her. I can't be mad at her if I feel sorry for her and I need to be mad at her, because I'm the betrayed, injured party here and she's the bad guy.

I can feel my chest tightening again and try to take a deep breath. I have to calm down or I'm going to end up having another panic attack, and that's the last thing I need right now. I straighten my tie and secure my locker, ready for roll-call. When I look up, I see Sully standing at his locker, looking over at me with a worried expression on his face.

"You OK, Bosco?"

I nod reassuringly. "Yeah."

The look on his face tells me he doesn't believe me but he just nods back. "So, where's Faith?"

"How the hell would I know?" I answer defensively.

He looks a bit surprised by my outburst and shrugs. "You two are spending a lot of time together. I just assumed you had talked to her."

I narrow my eyes. "What do you mean by 'spending a lot of time together.?'"

He frowns back. "You know perfectly well what I mean. What's wrong with you today?"

I don't answer, just brush past him through the door.

"So what's wrong with Faith? She got the flu?" Sully asks calmly and gazes over at me.

I turn my head to look at him and say in an icy tone of voice, "I told you I have no idea. Actually, I don't give a damn!"

The truth is I do, because, although I don't want to be, I'm worried. I know she probably called in sick to avoid me since I told her to stay away, but still I can't help worrying that there's something wrong with her. I feel angry at myself. What the hell is wrong with me? She betrayed me and she doesn't deserve my concern.

Sully sighs loudly. "So you two are fighting again?"

I just continue to stare out through the car window without answering.

"Care to tell me what it's about this time?"

"Believe me, you don't wanna know," I answer bitterly.

"Come on, Bosco. It can't be that bad."

"Believe me it is."

"Well, I can't believe you if you don't tell me."

"It's none of your damn business!"

"OK, you're right. But, Bosco, whatever she has done; don't be too hard on her, OK? She has really been there for you these past couple of months, remember?"

I can feel the rage rushing through my veins once more at the mention of "how she's been there for me." I can't stand the thought of her reasons for doing so – I just can't.

"I don't care! She lied to me. She betrayed me! She's a traitor, Sully. A TRAITOR!"

The way I shout the last part almost causes me to lose my breath because my chest is tightening again.

Sully looks at me in surprise. "Gee, Bosco. What did she say to you? Did she tell you she loves you or something?" he asks and chuckles at his own stupid joke.

"As a matter of fact she did, and it's not a damn joke, Sullivan! It's serious!"

He just stares at me in disbelief. "She actually told you that?"

"Yeah, she did. Pretty unbelievable, don't you think?"

He nods. "Yeah, really. I never thought she had enough guts to tell you."

"Excuse me? You knew about this? She told you?"

I'm pissed beyond belief. I can't believe she told Sully. Who else has she told? The whole freaking precinct house?

"Of course she didn't, but she didn't have to. It's almost impossibly to miss." He looks strangely at me. "Please don't tell me you never figured it out?"

"How was I supposed to know? SHE NEVER TOLD ME!!" I'm so angry that I'm shaking and it starting to get hard to breathe again.

"You mean you never saw it?"

"Saw what?"

"The way she looks at you?"

"What way?"

He sighs loudly. "Never mind, I forgot what a self-absorbed jerk you can be."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

He sighs again. "You worked with her for twelve years, Bosco, and you never once noticed that she worships the ground you walk on. Doesn't that seem a bit self-absorbed to you? Why did you think she put up with you all these years? Out of the goodness of her heart?"

"I thought she liked me," I reply darkly.

Sully smiles. "She does."

"Not that way, idiot! She lied to me! She betrayed my trust! She's…."

I can't finish my sentence because my chest is tightening to the point where I don't have enough air to breathe, never-the-less talk.

Sully looks worriedly at me. "Bosco, you OK?"

I can't answer him. Fact is I can barely hear him because it takes all my concentration to get enough air into my lungs. The car stops and then the passenger door opens and I know that Sully is crouching down by my side.

I can feel his hand on my shoulder and hear that calm, soft voice that makes me feel safe and coerces me to do as I'm told.

"Breathe, Bosco. You need to calm down. Just breathe, OK

"Here, rinse your mouth," Sully says calmly and hands me a bottle of water.

I try to take it, but my hands are shaking so much I end up dropping it on the ground.

Sully bends over and picks it up, then squats down in front of me again. "Here. Let me help you."

His voice is gentle and filled with worry and I'm disgusted by my own weakness. I push his hands away. "No, I don't need any water."

He sighs lightly and stands up again. "OK."

"What's the time?"

He looks at the watch on his wrist. "Almost six."

Six? That means I have been having my little breakdown for over an hour. If I felt crappy when I arrived at work today, it's nothing compared to how I feel now. Not only did I have another panic attack, but I have also thrown-up at least three times. Poor Sully. I'm actually starting to realize why he tries to avoid working with me.

"I guess that means we're ducking calls," I say smartly, although my voice is still a bit shaky.

He makes a face. He has never appreciated my sense of humor but when he answers his voice is still soft and laced with concern. "No. We aren't. I called Central half an hour ago and told them I was taking my sick partner home."

I look at my hands, feeling strangely touched by his words. "Thanks."

He just nods in return. "Come on, I'll drive you to Mercy."

My eyes widen. "No way, Sullivan!"

"Bosco…."

"No, listen to me; I just need to get home and get some sleep, that's all. I'm fine, I promise."

He just raises his eyebrows in response.

I tiredly put my head in my shaky hands. "Please, Sully…I just wanna go home and sleep."

He shakes his head determinately. "No, Bosco, not a chance. I'm sorry, but you're in no shape to be on your own."

I can tell he's not going to budge. "Then take me to my Ma's."

He looks doubtfully at me. "You sure? I mean, does she know about this?" He makes a vague gesture toward my sorry form.

I shrug. "Doesn't matter, I'll tell her I'm sick."

"OK, then, put your legs back in the car. But I'm gonna walk you to the door," he says warningly.

I do as he tells me and then shrug once more. "Whatever."

He shakes his head and gives me a look that tells me that he wonders how he ended up in this mess, but he doesn't say anything. He just starts the car and drives toward my mother's house.

"Maurice?" Ma looks surprised when she opens the door.

"Hi, Ma." I make an attempt to smile but I know I've failed when I see the worried look on her face.

"Maurice, you look terrible. What's wrong? Did something happen at work? Did something happen to Faith?"

The mention of Faith makes me feel sick all over again. I'm too exhausted to be able to deal with my emotions right now. My legs feel like they're going to give out any second and I grab onto the doorframe for support.

Ma touches my face gently. "Maurice, baby, tell me what's wrong."

I don't know what to say. It feels like I'm too tired to even think. Surprisingly enough, Sully comes to my rescue. He has been really nice and protective toward me since I got that ulcer. I wonder if he thinks I'm going to die if he doesn't take care of me.

"He's sick, Mrs Boscorelli."

Ma looks at Sully in surprise and I realize she didn't even notice him until now. "What's wrong with him?" she asks worriedly.

Sully shrugs. "I don't know for sure, but I think it's the flu. He's thrown-up several times and I don't think he should be alone. He's rather wiped."

Ma looks a bit concerned. "That's very nice of you…."

"Officer Sullivan," Sully supplies helpfully.

"…Officer Sullivan, but where's Faith?"

"She's home sick with the flu. He probably caught it from her," Sully lies easily.

There's no way to tell that he's just making it up along the way and I'm impressed. I was always under the impression that he never lies, but maybe that's all he ever does.

Ma looks dismayed. "Poor Faith!"

Then she looks at me again and gently tugs on my arm. "Maurice, honey, let's get you in bed before you fall over."

I just nod. It feels good to be taken care of, especially when the caretaker is my Ma. There's something special about the way mothers take care of you. And another good thing with them is that you don't have to worry that they are going to confess their undying love for you all of a sudden. You've already covered that - years ago.

She looks over at Sully. "Thank-you, Officer Sullivan, for taking care of him for me and Faith."

"Yeah, thanks, Sul," I agree.

Sully just nods shortly. "You just take care now and don't forget to talk to Faith."

I don't answer. I have no intention to do as I'm told but he doesn't need to know that. He turns around and leaves. Ma leads me into her guest room and helps me get undressed, like I am a small child but I'm too exhausted to complain. I feel like I'm going to pass out if I don't lie down soon. Once my uniform is off, I lie down on the bed. Ma gently tucks me in and sits down on the edge of the bed.

I shiver slightly and she frowns. "You cold, Maurice?"

I nod. She puts her hand on my forehead and her frown deepens. "You feel a bit warm. You're probably coming down with a fever."

I tiredly close my eyes. Maybe she's right. Maybe I'm getting sick, too. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

I feel her gently stroke my cheek. "You just rest, Maurice. I'll be right back with another blanket."

I just nod in return and before I know it, she's back with the blanket.

I open my eyes. "Thanks, Ma."

She smiles. "You're welcome. You just rest now. I put a bucket by the bed if you get sick again."

I smile gratefully in return.

She runs her hand over my hair lovingly and smiles back. "Night, Maurice."

"Night," I whisper hoarsely before letting sleep overtake me.

I wake up with a strange feeling of loss inside and at first I don't even know where I am. It takes me a couple of seconds to realize that I am at my Ma's. I feel slightly panicked. Why am I here and why do I feel so lonely? Faith! Where's Faith? Has something happened to her? Is that why I feel so lonely? I quickly sit up and leap out of bed. The world immediately starts to spin. I sit down again and put my head between my knees. The feeling of fatigue in my body and the sudden tightness in my chest makes everything come back to me and I sigh deeply.

I can't believe she really loved me for all those years. I can't believe that all we had was built on a lie, and I can't understand how she could live with herself, knowing she lied to all of us every single day. I take a deep breath and slowly stand up. This time the room remains motionless and I walk out into the hallway to find Ma. I find her sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee. I briefly wonder if she still pours bourbon into it.

She looks up with a concerned expression on her face when she hears me enter. "Morning, baby; how you feeling today?"

"Better," I answer tiredly.

"You're still very pale. Did you get any sleep?"

I nod. "Yeah, I slept surprisingly well."

"And you didn't throw up?"

"No." I move over to the coffeemaker and pour myself a cup of coffee. Ma stands up and takes it away from me.

"Ma!" I protest.

"No, Maurice. No coffee on an empty stomach. That ugly ulcer of yours just healed, remember?"

I sigh. She moves to stand in front of me and puts her hand on my forehead. After a few seconds she starts smiling. "You're not running a fever either; looks like you don't have the flu after all."

"Probably just something I ate," I murmur and cringe slightly. I hate lying to my Ma.

"Yeah, that's one explanation," she answers thoughtfully and looks inquiringly at me.

I don't like that look one bit. It always means I'm in trouble – one way or another.

"What?" I ask defensively.

Ma picks up her coffee and takes a sip. "I called Faith last night, to check on her."

I stare at her. "What on earth did you do that for?"

She raises her eyebrows. "Why wouldn't I? This Officer Sullivan drops my son off on my doorstep because he's too sick to take care of himself, and because the woman who has taken care of him the last three months is too sick to help. I got worried, Maurice, and it surprises me that you're not worried as well."

I feel my heart rate quicken in my chest. Why does she look so serious? Maybe Faith is sick for real. Maybe something has happened to her. "I needed you to be able to get through the day." I hear Faith's desperate voice in my head and see her tear-stained face in front of me. I feel my blood run cold. No. No, there's no way she could have done something as stupid as that, right?

"What did you do to her, Maurice?" Ma asks sternly.

"Why do you think I did something to her?" I try to sound annoyed but my voice won't cooperate. It sounds small and scared.

Ma narrows her eyes. "Because she said she wasn't ill, but she sure was upset. She couldn't talk to me without crying and the mere mention of your name made her almost hysterical. She asked me to take care of you for her because you two are splitting up. She said you didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore. So, I'm asking you again; what did you do to her, Maurice?"

The relief I felt when I heard there's nothing wrong with her, quickly turns into anger when I realize that Ma assumes this is my fault.

"It wasn't me. It was her! You have no idea what a traitor and liar she is!"

Ma looks calmly at me. "And you have never lied to her?"

I clench my teeth in anger. "You don't understand, Ma. This wasn't just any lie. She's been keeping something very important from me for twelve years!"

"I don't like it when you raise your voice at me," she says calmly.

"Sorry," I murmur regretfully.

"Sit down, Maurice. You and I really need to talk."

"Ma, there's nothing to talk…."

"Maurice." Her tone of voice and the way she looks at me tells me that it's no longer a request – it's an order, and I know better than mess with her when she looks at me that way. I sit down at the kitchen table. She sits down opposite me and lights a cigarette.

"So, she finally told you she loves you, huh?"

"You know?"

She nods.

"She told you?"

She smiles slightly. "No, Maurice, of course not."

"Then how do you know?"

Her smile widens. "I have always known. Since the first time I saw you two together. It's impossible to miss. She worships the ground you walk on."

I stare at her in disbelief. How come everyone seems to have picked it up but me?

"Well, I sure did miss it," I murmur angrily.

Ma sighs. "Yeah you did."

"So, why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I'm selfish."

Great. Her reason for lying is also selfishness. How come no one seems to care about me?

"How come it matters to you whether or not I knew?"

Ma puts out her cigarette and looks calmly at me. "What would you have done if I had told you?"

"Run like hell, of course!"

She nods knowingly. "That's what I thought and that's why I didn't tell you."

"What difference would it make to you whether I'm with her or not?"

"She loves you. Really loves you, and there's nothing a woman wouldn't to for her kids and the man she loves. You are a very hard person to get along with, Maurice, and you know that. Still you had to get one of the most dangerous jobs there is - a job where you have to depend on people who are willing to die for you. It scared the shit out of me, and I don't think I have ever felt as relieved as when I saw in her eyes that she loved you. I knew then that you were safe. I knew that her love for you would make her stick around no matter what stupid tricks you pulled or how much you messed up. I knew that she would die for you if she had to, and as long as you're safe I'm a happy woman."

"And it never once occurred to you that I might have wanted to choose for myself whether I wanted to be around a partner who loves me or not? How do you think it feels to know that the person you thought was your friend was looking at you as a potential boyfriend, huh?"

Ma rolls her eyes. "Don't be stupid, Maurice. Tell me something; over the years, can you come to think of one single time when her love for you has hurt you in anyway?"

I don't answer because there's no way for me to know that. I have no idea how Faith would have behaved if she didn't love me.

But my lack of response makes Ma look triumphantly at me. "I thought so. You better face it, Maurice. She's been unbelievably good to you over the years. There's nothing she wouldn't have done for you – even when you didn't deserve it. Have you forgotten what you told me after she'd been shot last year? She would do anything for you - anything."

"Except telling me the truth," I reply bitterly.

Ma nods. "Except for telling you the truth, and believe me, Maurice, that was much more painful for her than it was for you."

I'm about to protest but she holds up her hand. "No, listen to me. Imagine that you had loved someone secretly for twelve years. Someone you had no right to love. Someone you knew you could never have, because you didn't want to break your kids' hearts by divorcing their mother. Imagine that you had done everything for her and, one day, when you might even thought she might be within reach, you told her and she basically asked you to go to hell. How do you think that would feel, Maurice, huh? She's lonely. She doesn't have anyone else right now. He husband has left her. You know that, right?"

I don't bother to ask her how she knew. It's obvious that everyone knows everything – everyone but me. Instead I stare at her in horror. God what have I done? What have I done? Poor Faith; she never really did anything wrong. Well, not telling me she loved me was stupid and loving me is coming close to insanity – that's for sure, but Ma is right. I have never really suffered because of it but she sure as hell has. I can't imagine what she must have felt all those times I lay unconscious on the ground or tried to get her and myself killed by pulling some stupid stunt, or leaving her for Cruz…. "I need you to be able to get through the day." Oh, God, poor Faith. All the good memories, all the times when she was there for me play in my head. All the good marks. How could I forget about them? I have messed up again. Messed up big time.

"Oh, God, what have I done?" I whisper and put my head in my hands in despair.

"Maurice, what did you say to her?" Ma asks worriedly.

"A lot of shit that I never should have said - some really cruel stuff," I answer quietly and lift my head to look at her.

She gazes worriedly at me. "Maurice, you better try to fix this quick, before it gets any worse. Do you hear me?"

I nod and stand up. I need to freshen up a bit before I go and see her. My stomach hurts and my chest is tight from fear. What if it's too late? What if it can't be fixed? I suddenly realize it is too late. There's no way this can be fixed, but maybe if I apologize, some of the damage my big mouth caused may be repaired.

As I reach the doorway, I hear Ma's voice calling, "And, Maurice?"

I turn to face her. "Maybe you should ask yourself how you could be so close to her all those years without realizing she loved you, and maybe you should ask yourself why you got so angry when you found out. And you definitely need to ask yourself why hearing her saying she loves you made you so upset that you got sick."

I narrow my eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She smiles. "That's for you to figure out."