TITLE: Do you really want me?

AUTHOR: faith-in-Faith

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RATING: PG-13

DISCLAIMER: Don't own a thing, just borrow and play.

SPOILER: Up to and including most of season five and my story "All that glitters is not gold."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Since I forget the most important part last time I start with that one this time: Thank you Joey!! You're the best beta a girl can have and the reason to my success.

Thanks also to all the people put there making shipper video's. They are great inspiration for me. BIG thanks also to all my reviewers. You're making it all worth it. Please continue giving me feedback, by reviewing or by e-mail or pm. And now – without further delay - over to the story.

CHAPTER TWENTY

I slowly lift my head from the top of my knees and gingerly wipe away the last trace of tears from my cheeks. I still feel like crying but it's like I don't have any more tears left. I can't cry anymore. Instead I feel a big, cold emptiness inside. It's like nothing I have experienced before. It feels like it's eating its way into my soul and erasing everything that's me.

I look at my watch and am surprised to see that it's only been an hour since Fred called to tell me he was suing me for custody. He said I shouldn't expect to see the kids anytime soon – probably never – because he'd make sure the court got to know what an unfit mother I am. It wasn't even a difficult task, he said, since I had given him plenty of stuff over the years that he could use. I guess he's right and I have a feeling that the fact that I always had the best intentions isn't going to make any difference.

It saddens me that the man who once said he loved me is willing to do this to me and it's a frightening thought that I might have to live without my kids. It doesn't really surprise me, though, considering the bad turn my life seems to have taken lately. It's obvious that God, destiny, or whoever runs this show is determined not to stop until I have lost everything that means something to me.

Sighing, I stand up and slowly make my way to the bathroom. I need to find some Advil or something because my head is killing me. Crying for almost 48 hours has made me feel like I have a really bad hang-over. I honestly didn't think you could cry for that long, but every time I managed to calm down a bit, someone called and made it start all over again.

First Sully called to tell me that Bos had had a panic attack at work and that he seemed ill again. Of course Bos had refused to go to the hospital, although he was in no shape to be on his own, but Sully said I shouldn't worry because he had taken Bos to his mother's instead. The whole thing – of course – made me very upset. Just because he doesn't want to have anything to do with me doesn't mean I've stopped caring. I feel very guilty because I know that it's the stress from finding out that I love him that made him have that panic attack. If he ends up at the hospital again because of me, I don't know how I'm going to be able to live with myself. Sully was sweet about the whole thing, though. He promised he would take care of Bos for me and that I shouldn't worry about the other stuff, because Bosco will come around eventually and realize how lucky he is. I highly doubt it, but still it was a very nice thing to say. I'm kind of surprised that Bosco told Sully what the problem was in the first place but I guess they have become really good friends lately. It feels odd. It has always been just him and me I have always been the only one…but at the same time, I'm grateful that Bos has someone else to take care of him now that I can't.

Just half an hour later, Rose called to check on me because Sully had been nice enough to try to cover for us by telling her I had the flu. I told her I was OK and then she asked me what was going on. Her kindness made me break down completely and I begged her to take care of him for me since I couldn't, because we were splitting up. She asked what had happened but I couldn't answer her - I just cried. She told me not to worry and that she'd talk to him when he awakened and help me sort out whatever was wrong. I appreciate the offer – I really do - but I know it isn't going to help.

I finally find a bottle of Advil on the top shelf. I take two and down them with some water then sit down on the toilet, burying my head in my hands. What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to be able to get through the day? How…. The sound of the phone startles me. I quickly stand up and hurry over to the phone, almost tripping over my own feet in the process. I can't help but hope that it's Fred calling to tell me he has changed his mind.

I pick it up and press the talk button. "Faith."

"Hi, Mom." Emily's voice sounds small and worried.

"Hi, Em. Are you OK?" I ask worriedly.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I just wanted to talk to you," she replies quickly, nervousness evident in her voice. "I mean, I know Dad called you and said we don't wanna see you and I just wanna tell you that that's not true."

I feel a big lump forming in my throat and I swallow hard. "Thanks, sweetie."

There's a short moment of silence before she hesitantly asks, "You OK?"

"I'm fine."

"You sure? You don't sound so great."

"I'm OK. I just caught some kind of bug yesterday."

"Oh…are you gonna be OK?"

I'm amazed that she seems to care so much. Especially considering that she – just a few days ago - deliberately ruined my life by telling Bosco that I love him.

"Yes, honey, I'm sure. Don't worry, OK?"

"But I don't want you to be alone if you're sick. Can't you ask Bosco to come over and take care of you?"

The hopefulness in her voice surprises me. I thought she hated the thought of me and Bos together. That was why she told him in the first place, right? But maybe she wants to know if she has succeeded or not.

"I don't think so, Em. Our relationship is a bit shaky at the moment."

Must be the understatement of the year but it should be enough to satisfy her.

"In what way?" I expect to hear satisfaction and victory in her voice but instead, there's only nervousness.

I sigh. "Let's just say that being around me is the last thing he wants right now."

"Why? Is it because of what I told him?"

There's still no satisfaction in her voice - more regret and disappointment. I'm beginning to think that the poor kid thought she was doing me a favor by telling him.

"Yeah."

"Oh, Mom! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to make things worse for you, I swear! It was the other way around. I wanted to help you find some happiness. I mean, with Dad cheating on you and all, I thought it would be only fair if you could have Bosco, and you two seemed to be so close lately…. I'm really sorry, Mom, really, really sorry. I was so sure he'd changed his mind."

She sounds like she's close to tears and my heart breaks for my poor child. She had no idea what a disaster she was causing. She just wanted to be nice. She just wanted to make my life a bit easier to live.

"It's OK, Em. I know you only meant well and I appreciate that you tried to look out for me."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really," I answer with as much reassurance as I can muster.

"But he can't be mad at you. He promised he'd take care of you," she replies unhappily.

"Don't worry; he'll come around eventually. He just needs some time."

"You think so?"

"I know so. It came kind of suddenly for him and he just needs some time to process the whole thing and adjust to the thought."

I try to sound as if I mean it, although I'm painfully aware of that it will be a cold day in hell before he has adjusted to that thought. But I don't want to make my daughter feel bad or make a liar out of Bos. Neither of them is to blame for my stupidity.

There's a short moment of silence before she speaks again. "So you gonna be OK then?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna be just fine; don't worry."

"OK, bye, Mom. Promise me you'll take care of yourself now."

Her voice is soft and the fondness in it almost makes me start crying all over again.

"I will. You take care, too, and give your brother a kiss from me, OK?"

"OK, bye."

"Bye, Em."

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

I wake up with a start because someone is pounding at my door. I sit up and try to rub the sleep from my eyes. I'm kind of surprised that I managed to fall asleep in the first place but I guess I'm exhausted.

The knock comes again, more urgent this time. I stand up and slowly drag myself to the door. I unlock it without checking the peak hole. I don't care if it's a robber or a mad man. I don't care if I'm about to get killed. Who knows, maybe that would be for the best? I nonchalantly fling the door open and find myself staring into Bosco's blue eyes. The total surprise I feel causes me to gasp for air. Seeing him on my doorstep again was the last thing I expected.

"Bos?" I say in a hoarse, almost inaudible whisper.

I have no idea what brings him here but the paleness of his face immediately worries me. He looks awful and I remember that both Sully and Rose told me he was sick.

"You OK?"

He shifts uneasily and almost looks like he's embarrassed by the question.

"Yeah, I'm fine but we need to talk. Can I come in?"

I can feel tears starting to rise in my eyes all over again, despite my earlier assumption that I didn't have any left.

"Look, Bosco. I said I was sorry and I can't take any more yelling from you. Please just leave me alone."

He looks down at his shoes for a brief moment before meeting my eyes. When he speaks again, his voice is soft and caring and the look on his face is the one I've learned to love so much over the years. The one telling me I'm important to him.

"I'm not gonna yell, Faith. I promise. Please let me in."

I suddenly feel defeated and powerless. Who am I to tell him what to do? He has every right to yell at me every day for the rest of our lives. I was the one who did wrong – not him - and since when have I ever been able to deny him anything?

He looks pleadingly at me. "Please, Faith."

I step aside to let him in. He quickly walks past me then turns around to face me. I notice that he has his hands in his pockets which means he's nervous and that surprises me. Since when does yelling at people bother him?

"Can we sit down?"

I shrug and follow him to the couch. We both sit down and he takes his hands out of his pockets, quietly studying his finger nails. For a few moments there isn't a sound to be heard in the room. I barely dare to breathe out of fear of what's going to happen next.

Finally, he looks up at me and says, "I'm sorry, Faith. I'm really, really sorry."

I'm stunned. I don't know what to say. I have no idea what this means. I expected him to start yelling at me again but instead he starts apologizing. It touches me. It touches me that he still cares enough to think I'm worth the effort. I know it doesn't mean he has forgiven me, or that he has changed his mind or anything like that but it makes the whole thing easier to bear. It's easier to lose him if I know that he doesn't hate me.

I manage to give him a faint smile to show him how grateful I am that he has decided to show me some mercy. "It's OK."

"No, Faith! It's not!" he answers fervently and looks so upset that I want to hug him. "I never should have said what I did. I acted like an ass and I'm so sorry."

The heartbreaking look on his face almost makes me reach for his hand, but fortunately, I stop myself in time.

"It's OK, Bos. I deserved it. You were right, not telling is just as bad as lying,"

He closes his eyes and the look on his face is tormented. When he opens them again, they are filled with pain and regret. "No, Faith. You didn't deserve any of it. Truth is, you've never deserved any of the shit I pulled you through" He shakes his head sadly. "I'm sorry, Faith. I really am."

My chest aches from the effort it takes to keep myself from crying and I can barely talk. I need to, though, because I can't let him torture himself like this. It's going to make him sick again and it's not like it will do me any good anyway. We can't both be saved from the consequences of this mess and since I'm the reason we ended up like this in the first place, he deserves to be the one who survives and it's my job to make sure he does.

I swallow hard and try to put my own feelings of despair away.

"Bos, don't. It -"

"No." He puts his hands up in the air as he cuts me off. "Faith, please listen to me OK?"

The pleading look on his face and the fondness in his eyes makes me nod. I have never been able to deny him anything when he looks like that. Never.

He runs his hand over his hair in that nervous gesture that is so familiar to me, and then chews on his lower lip for a few seconds before meeting my eyes.

"Thank-you, Faith, for loving me."

I stare at him in total confusion. What's this supposed to mean? Is he happy that I love him all of a sudden?

He notices my confusion and offers me a small, uncharacteristically shy smile. "Ma and Sully told me that the reason you put up with me all these years, the reason you protected, covered for and saved me was because you love me. So Thank-you, Faith. I'd never been here today if it wasn't for your love."

I can barely see him though my tears. "Bos…."

"No, you promised to hear me out. We both know how I messed up over and over again and how you always fixed it. We both know what a mess I've been mentally on more than one occasion over the years and you always managed to keep me from becoming a total nutcase. You always managed to save me." He shakes his head and smiles in awe. "I don't know how you did it but you always succeeded." He pauses for a second and swallows hard. "And if the reason you did all that is because you love me, then I really should be grateful, not accusing you for trying to get laid, right?"

I'm crying now. I can't help it. He's so sweet and suddenly; I almost wish he'd stayed angry with me, because the thought of losing someone as sweet and caring as him kills me.

"Bos…. " My voice is barely a whisper, a very shaky whisper, but that's all I mange to get out between my pathetic attempts to stop myself from sobbing uncontrollably.

He looks sadly at me and there's despair in his voice when he pleads, "Don't cry, Faith. Please don't cry. I'm not worth it."

"Ye…s, yo…u are."

He shakes his head again. "No, Faith, I'm not."

His sad, caring voice and the tenderness in his eyes only make things worse and I'm burying my face in my hands and crying hysterically. I can't take much more of this. I just can't. It was much easier when he hated me. Oh, how I wish I had asked for another partner when I realised how much I loved him all those years ago.

Suddenly, I feel his hand gently squeezing my shoulder. "Come on, Faith. Please don't cry."

His voice sounds choked and I realize that he's close to tears himself and I know it's time for me to pull myself together. I don't want him to end up at the hospital with a new ulcer because he feels guilty for not loving me and if there's anything I'm good at, it's to put on an act to save Bosco. That's what my life has been about the last twelve years or so and I owe it to him to do it one last time.

I pull away slightly from his touch and take a deep, shaky breath before wiping my eyes. "I'm sorry."

When I look up at him, the heartbreaking look of love and affection on his face almost makes me start crying all over again. "There's no need to be sorry, but I don't want you to cry over me. I'm not worth it, OK?"

"OK," I whisper and do my best to smile despite the fresh tears that are forming in my eyes.

"God, Faith. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything I put you through. All this stories about my girlfriends, Cruz…." He closes his eyes in agony. "I'm so sorry."

"It's OK. You didn't know. You didn't do it to be mean to me. You just didn't know."

He nods eagerly. "That's right. I didn't know. I would never do anything to hurt you. You know that, right?"

I nod and smile softly. "I know."

Because I do. If there's anything I'm sure of in this world, it is that Bosco would never hurt me on purpose; because he's an idiot – yeah, but never on purpose.

We sit in silence while I compose myself. Then, after several minutes, I hesitantly ask, "So where do we go from here?"

He looks down on his hands. "I don't know…I mean I hope we can still be friends…or something like that....I want to be your friend, Faith, if you let me. I understand if you don't want to…." He pauses to take a deep breath. "But we better not be partners anymore…. I think it'd be too complicated and awkward...." He looks up at me, his eyes pleading with me to understand.

I nod in agreement.

He looks down on his hands again. "I'll talk to Swersky first thing tomorrow; ask him to transfer me to another precinct or something."

I swallow hard, trying to keep more tears from falling. "No, I should be the one asking to be transferred. I was the one who screwed up this time."

He smiles sadly. "I don't agree."

"You never do," I answer and fake my best smile at him.

He makes a pathetic effort to smile back but ends up looking like he's about to cry.

"Faith…."

"No, Bosco, please let me talk to Swersky tomorrow. Maybe we can work something out. Maybe neither of us needs to get transferred. Would that be OK with you? To risk running into me every now and then?" I ask more eagerly than I want to but I'm back to need. I need him so desperately to be able to function - to be able to get through the day.

He smiles softly. "Yeah, that'd be OK."

I know this is coming close to blackmailing. I know all too well that he feels too guilty to be able to deny me anything at this point but I can't help myself. I just can't do this without him.

"So, it's settled then?"

He nods. "Yeah….Look…I should probably be going…."

I nod in agreement and stand up to show him that it's OK to leave.

He stands up as well and when he does, he winces slightly. "Bos? You OK?"

He smiles faintly and looks fondly at me. "Yeah, I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me anymore. You've done that enough over the years. I'm gonna be fine. I promise. You don't have to save me ever again. I swear, OK?"

I swallow hard. "OK."

I wish he knew that I'd willingly save him over and over again if I had to, but I guess that's Sully's job from now on.

We just stand there and look at each other for several minutes and then something seems to dawn on him.

"And you? Are you gonna be OK? I mean with Fred and everything…."

I can feel more stupid tears stinging my eyes and quickly reply. "Yeah, I'm gonna be fine."

I realize I was too eager to reassure him when I see the worried look on his face.

"Faith, I know this is a mess right now but I really want to be your friend and if you should ever need anything, anything at all, don't hesitate to call, OK?"

The sincerity in his voice makes me lose it again and I can't stop the tears from running down my cheeks. I want to clung onto him and tell him that what I need is him, and only him and that he just can't leave me, but that would be both pathetic and cruel and I have tortured him enough today to last a life time. So instead, I just stand there with my eyes trained on the floor as I try to compose myself.

"Hey, look at me."

His voice is gentle but I can't bring myself to look at him.

"Please, Faith, look at me."

This time there's desperation in his voice and I know I have to look up. I quickly wipe away some tears from my cheeks before lifting my head.

He makes sure I meet his eyes before he starts to talk. "You don't need me to get through the day, you know that, right?"

It surprises me that he remembers I said that. I thought he was too mad at the time to really listen to what I had to say. I guess I was wrong.

"Right?"

The desperation in his voice tells me he needs me to reassure him that I don't need him. He wants to make sure that leaving me isn't going to cause another disaster and I know I owe him to do so. I know he's way too fragile both physical and mentally to be able to deal with the fact that I can't live without him. But I can't bring myself to say it. I just can't, because that would be a lie and I can't lie to him anymore. Lying is what caused this situation in the first place. Still I can't bear to say no. That would be way too cruel.

So instead, I just nod and reply, "Right," knowing all to well that he can read the truth in my eyes.

For a few moments we just look at each other in silent agony. I know I'm crying again because I can feel tears running down my cheeks. Suddenly, he catches me completely off guard by gently, but quickly, caressing my check, his own eyes shiny with tears, as he whispers, "I'm so sorry, Faith. I'm so sorry."

Then he quickly turns around and leaves. I just stand there in the hallway, staring after him. The shock from his actions has made me stop crying. The feeling of his hand against my cheek makes me remember another caress. A caress I thought was something I had made up in my head. The caress at the hospital, over a year ago; it was real. I know that for sure now. He really did caress my cheek then and he did it now, and I can't help but wonder what that means.