TITLE: Do you really want me?

AUTHOR: faith-in-Faith

DISCLAIMER: Don't know any of the characters, just the story plot. :)

RATING: PG-13

SPOILERS: Up to and including season five, plus some of season six and my story "All that glitters is not gold."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Again, big thanks to all the people who gives me reviews, please continue doing that because it's for you I write. :)

Thanks to Joey for the excellent beta-reading and to Bee for helping me out with some problems. I owe you!

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

I come in early for once, hoping to catch Faith. I want to know what Swersky said. I feel cruel for leaving it to her to deal with him. I know how hard he is to fool and I know she has to come up with a hell of a story to convince him there's nothing wrong between us; that what she asks for is perfectly normal under the circumstances.

I don't see her in the hallway and the door to Lieu's office is open. Maybe they are already done. Maybe she's in the locker room. I'm just about to push the door open when an uncharacteristically whiny voice, belonging to Davis, catches my attention and makes me freeze in action.

"Come on, Sul, you can't be serious!"

"I'm sorry, Ty, but I have to – at least for a while. I promised Faith."

Faith? What did he promise Faith that Ty doesn't like?

"Why did you do that? Why can't she baby-sit Bosco herself - like she has done the last twelve years, huh?"

The word baby-sit makes me pissed. No one needs to baby-sit me. I can look after myself just fine. I'm just about to bust into the room and make that clear to both of them. Then I remember that I'm eavesdropping and remain where I am, because I have a feeling there's more interesting stuff to come that I won't want to miss.

"I know it sucks but she's a real mess herself right now. Her husband left and now he's suing her for full custody of the kids, using her work against her. Her only chance to win is to get off the streets and try to get better hours. She's gonna try for a sergeants degree later on, but for now, desk duty is her only option. That leaves Bosco without a partner and the thought of him alone out there really freaks her out."

Suing her for custody? Fred's suing her for custody? You've got to be kidding me! That man really is an idiot and someone seriously needs to kick his ass. Poor Faith; I had no idea it was this bad. Never in my wildest dreams did I think he'd be that mean to her. I never understood what she saw in him, but on the other hand, she's in love with me, so maybe she has bad judgment when it comes to men.

Davis sighs. "I get that part, but why does it have to be you? Can't he ride with Monroe - like he did when Faith was injured?"

Yeah, thanks, Davis. I really had a blast listening to her insane yapping all day! I'd pick Sully's crankiness over her yapping any day a week.

"Faith doesn't like the idea and to be honest with you, neither do I. Remember what happened last time they rode together? He's been fragile ever since and this mess with his brother hasn't helped at all."

"Yeah, but isn't he over that now? I thought Faith had fixed that."

"He's better but he's still not himself. It wouldn't take much to push him over the edge again. Faith can't handle another nervous breakdown from him right now – yet alone a bleeding ulcer. She needs to concentrate on her own life for once."

I close my eyes. This part really hurts to know. It's very disturbing to hear them talk about me like I'm some kind of mental freak but I can't really blame them. I have been acting kind of scary lately and poor Sully knows all about it. The thought that I'm a burden to Faith – that I always have been - is very depressing but I know it's true. I'm not just a burden, but also the source of all her heartache and pain, and the cause of every problem she has ever had. The thought makes me feel sick.

Davis sighs again. "OK, but it's not gonna be forever, right? I mean, she's obviously not coming back and…."

"Don't worry. I'm sure Lieu will be able to find him a new partner when he's ready."

Davis murmurs something I can't hear and I decide I've heard enough and push the door open.

"Hi, Bos," Davis greets me with a friendly smile.

He sounds sincere and the whiny tone from before is gone. He really is a good guy. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be this nice and understanding if I was in his place ─ if I was the one whose partner had to keep a nutcase from freaking out.

I nod in return and start to change into my uniform. My thoughts go back to their conversation and once again, I'm incredibly impressed by Sully's ability to lie so easily. I just wish he hadn't done it to his partner. No good ever comes from that. I know that from experience but as usual, people have to suffer and get hurt because of me. I'm really starting to think that someone like me doesn't deserve to live. Maybe I should just eat my gun, but no, that would only make things worse for Faith. I have no intention of hurting her any further and what I just overheard has made things clear to me; I can't afford to screw up again. For Faith's sake and for Davis' and Sully's, as well, I have to hold it together this time. I have to make it on my own again, without panic attacks and bleeding ulcers and that sort of crap. I need to get myself together once and for all. I know I can do it because I'm doing it for Faith and for her, I can do anything.

When I enter roll call, I spot Faith sitting in her usual seat, studying the table top. Her face is pale and she looks sad and tired. I feel a twinge of guilt. I want to blame the misery she's in on Fred, but I can't. I know all too well why she's looking this way. It's because she fell in love with her moron of a partner. It's all because of me – as usual.

I sit down a couple of seats away from her. I don't want to be too close because I'm pretty sure that will only make things worse, but I don't want her to think that I can't stand being near her. She doesn't look up, just keeps staring at the table top. It's killing me to see her so sad, especially when I know it's because of me. Lieu's going on about the usual stuff but before he sends us out on the streets, he informs the shift about the changes. I can hear Davis sigh but I don't bother to look over at him. Instead, I keep my eyes trained on Faith, but she still doesn't look up. She isn't even moving. She looks like she's lost in another world, probably a better world where I'm not such an ass but rather someone who loved her as much as she loves me.

Everybody stands up and starts leaving the room and I hear Sully bark my name.

"Bosco, come on! I don't have all day. Go and sign out the radios. I'll get the car!"

The sound of Sully's voice makes Faith look up. She smiles a tiny, but grateful, smile at him and mouths, "Thank-you."

He nods shortly in return and I almost feel jealous. I don't want her to have silent conversations with anyone but me and that's so irrational. I'm such an idiot. I was the one who wanted to split up. I'm the one responsible for the way she looks ─ like she's going to break down any minute ─ and I have no right whatsoever to be jealous. I can't believe how selfish I am. I seriously need to get my shit together.

I sign out the radios and go outside to see if I can find Sully. He stands by the car, looking pissed. I sigh internally and start reconsidering my earlier assumption that riding with him is better than being with Monroe; at least she's not pissed all the time.

I approach him casually, holding out a radio for him to take. He angrily snatches it out of my hand and turns around.

I sigh. "Look, Sully, I know you'd rather ride with Davis and you don't have to take care of me. I'll be fine on my own."

He turns around with a sarcastic smile. "Yeah, sure you will. You really proved that when I last saw you."

OK, that one hurt, but he's right – again. "It won't happen again. I promise and I don't need a baby-sitter."

Sully's expression goes from pissed to furious within seconds and he takes a step closer to me, keeping his voice low, obviously not wanting every cop on the street to hear why he's going to read me the riot act.

"Don't think for a second that I'm doing this for you. I'm doing it for Faith. Only because I promised her and only because I know she'd break down completely if something happened to you right now. How anyone in their right mind would love you – especially someone as smart as Faith – is beyond me. But if there's something I can do to make her life even a little bit easier right now, I will, even if that means dragging your sorry ass around the streets all day. So now get your ass in the car and you better behave. I'm not going to be happy if I have to explain to Lieu why you screwed up, or tell Faith you got hurt pulling some stupid stunt. After all the shit you put her through; you owe it to her to behave. Do you hear?"

I nod and hang my head. He's right. I am an ass and I owe it to Faith to behave, so I just enter the car in silence, vowing not to cause her anymore pain.

Sully doesn't speak more than a dozen words to me the first half of our shift - but I don't mind. I don't want to talk to him when he's mad anyway.

Suddenly – after, like, four hours – he turns his head to the side to glance at me and asks, "Where do you wanna eat?"

I shrug. "Don't know. Doesn't matter. I'm not hungry anyway."

He doesn't answer, just continues to drive until we reach a Chinese restaurant, then he parks the car, turns off the engine and shifts in his seat to look at me.

"You need to eat, Bosco. You're gonna get sick again if you don't."

He doesn't sound angry anymore. Instead, his voice is soft and has that caring touch that I've grown used to lately and I have a feeling it's some kind of peace offering.

I nod. I don't want to fight with him. He's a good guy. He's been very supportive these past few months, not to mention he's looking out for Faith. "I know; I will. I like Chinese."

He nods. "That's good, now come on."

We get out of the car to get our meal. I'm happy he decided to give me a break and I'm glad he reminded me that I have to take care of myself – for Faith's sake. I'm not going to give her anymore grief than I already have. I'm not.

It's been two months now, since I found out that Faith loves me. Two months and nothing has really changed. She's still on desk duty and I'm still riding with Sully. I'm doing pretty well. I haven't had a panic attack since the day Sully took me to my Ma's and I'm working hard on avoiding a new ulcer. I'm eating three times a day – even when I don't feel like it – and I'm trying to get enough sleep, trying not to worry about things. It works fine for the most part. It works fine as long as I don't look at Faith, but I have to look at her at least once a day.

The "I need you to be able to get through the day" statement won't leave me alone. I tried to tell her that it isn't true. I tried to make her reassure me that she knows that, too, but she couldn't. I saw it in her eyes that night. There was nothing more she wanted than to tell me I was right, that she doesn't need me to be able to get through the day, but she couldn't. She really thinks it's true. She really thinks she needs me to be able to go on and that's a very scary thought. It's so scary that I can't afford to ignore it. So, I make sure she gets to see me at least once a day. I've made a habit of stopping by her desk once a day to ask for some forms or something else I need, and if I don't have an errand, I make one up.

I always ask how she's doing and she always says she's fine, while giving me that tiny, tired smile that I've always hated. It makes her look defeated and that's probably how she feels, too. She's always pale and looks like she isn't getting enough sleep – which she probably doesn't. She's losing weight, too, and that part really worries me. She looks thinner every day and I'm starting to fear she's going to waste away completely. She looks almost transparent and I wish there was something I could do to help, but I know that I'm probably just making it worse for her every time I show up. But I can't take the chance of not showing up. I can't take the risk that her statement is true and that my absence will make her do something stupid.

I have never seen her look so vulnerable before and it causes this insane urge to touch her, but I don't. That would just be cruel. She might very well read something into it that isn't really there, just because she wants it so badly. Still, I want to touch her, to stroke her cheek or hold her hand – or even hug her – until she stops hurting and starts to look like Faith again. The strong independent Faith that once was my partner. I know that won't happen. I have destroyed her forever and I hate myself for it.

Today she looks even worse than usual – if that's even possible. Something is really off with her. Her face is ghostly white and her eyes are red-rimmed with big black circles around them. When I ask how she's doing, she doesn't even manage to give me her usual smile. She hands me the paper I asked for and I notice that her hands are shaking. I feel my chest tighten with fear. What's wrong with her? Why is she shaking like this? It's not that I haven't seen her hands shaking before, because I have, every time she'd checked me out when I was injured. Fear does that to her, but what on earth could have made her feel that kind of fear today? I know for sure it isn't me that's causing it, because I'm standing here in front of her, safe and sound. There has to be something else. I'm really, really worried now and I can't stop myself from touching her – despite my efforts not to. I reach out and cover her shaking hands with mine.

"Faith, what's wrong?"

Her eyes are immediately overflowed with tears and she blinks rapidly in an attempt to hide them from me.

"Faith?"

She tries to take her hands away, but I don't let go. I'm even more worried now. Whatever it is that's wrong has to be something really awful to make her this upset. The only thing I can think of that would make her this upset – except for me being hurt – is that there's something wrong with her kids. The kids! Oh my God, if something has happened to them, she's never going to recover. Maybe Fred has kidnapped them or something. If he has laid a hand on them, I'm going to kill him, I swear.

"Please, Faith. Tell me what's wrong."

She swallows hard. "Not now, Bos. Not here." Her voice is just a faint whisper and her eyes are shiny with tears.

"Then let's go somewhere else," I say gently but firmly, trying to make her trust me, like she used to. "How about roll call?"

She hesitates for a moment but then she nods her head and steps around the desk. She's just a few steps away from me when her face becomes white as a sheet. Her eyes roll back in her head and she passes out.

"Faith!" I leap forward and manage to catch her just before she hits the floor.

"Shit!" I kneel down on the floor, keeping her in my embrace while shaking her slightly. "Come on, Faith! Come on, don't do this to me! Faith, come on, wake up!"

Flashbacks from that night in Nobel's hotel room wash over me. I feel like they are choking me and my heart starts to race but I try to push it all away. I can't have a panic attack. Right now I need to focus on Faith. I press my fingers to the side of her neck and relief fills me when I'm feeling her steady heartbeat under my fingers. I take a closer look at her and realize she's breathing on her own, too. It seems too fast and shallow, but at least she's holding her own

It's just a couple of hours into the shift and the hall is crowded with cops and civilians and soon enough, there's a small crowd of people gathered around us.

"What the hell are you looking at?" I yell angrily and hold her a bit tighter to me, feeling an irrational wish to protect her from these staring morons. "Call EMS!"

One of the other desk officers gets his sanity back and I see him picking up the phone. Satisfied that someone is getting her help, I turn my attention back to Faith.

I carefully run my hand over her hair and say softly, "Faith, wake up. Come on; open your eyes for me."

Suddenly, I hear Swersky's voice bark. "What's going on here? What are you all looking at? Move away! Don't you have work to do?"

The crowd moves away as he approaches and when I look up, he's standing above us with an expression of anger on his face. It immediately changes to concern when he spots Faith in my arms.

"Bosco, what's going on here? What's wrong with Faith? "

"I don't know, Boss. We're just talking and all of a sudd-"

"What did you say to her?" The anger is back on his face and his voice is cold as ice.

"Nothing! I swear! She was upset about something already. She wanted to tell me in private but when she started to walk she just passed out!"

I know I sound like I'm about to cry, but I am. Holding Faith unconscious in my arms is bad enough and I can't stand the thought that he thinks it's because of something I said – that it's my fault. Well, it probably is – at least partly – but not because of something I said but more likely because of what I didn't say….

His features soften a bit and then he asks, "Did someone call EMS?"

The officer behind the desk nods. "Yes, Sir!"

I hear Swersky continue to talk to someone but I'm not paying attention anymore, because in my arms, Faith squirms a bit and moans. I stroke her hair while carefully shaking her. "Faith?" I look expectantly at her but she's completely out of it again.

I hear the sound of running footsteps and look up to see Carlos and this new chick, Lev- something, running toward me.

Carlos kneels down beside me and asks, "What happened?"

"I don't really know. She just passed out one me."

He nods. "Just let me check on her."

I stare at him in confusion. Of course he can check on her. What the hell is he waiting for?

As if she could feel my confusion, the girl puts her hand on my shoulder and says gently, "You need to let go of her so we can check her out, OK?"

I realize that I'm still holding her tightly in my embrace and reluctantly let go of her.

Carlos starts to take her vitals and says compassionately, "Don't worry, Bosco. We'll take good care of her."

I know they will but it still feels like I'm letting her down. I feel like I should protect her, like she'd be safer in my arms. God, I really am a mess.

Sully shows up from out of nowhere and pulls me further way form her. "Come on, Bosco. Give them room to work."

The conversation is almost identically to the one we had in Noble's hotel room and once again, the memories from that day threaten to choke me.

Sully notices and immediately comes to my rescue. "She will be OK, Bosco. Just remember to breathe."

We watch in silence as they continue to work on her and I wince when the girl puts a needle in her arm to start an IV. I hate needles and I know how much it hurts when they put one in.

Carols looks up at me. "She's very dehydrated. You know if she's been sick lately?"

I shake my head, discouraged. I have no idea. Faith would never have told me if she was, but the mere thought of her being ill – maybe even seriously ill – for days without letting me help her, makes my chest tighten with fear again. What if the cancer is back? What if she's dying?

"Breathe, Bosco," Sully whispers in my ear.

"Ok, let's roll," Carlos says and I realize they have put Faith on a stretcher and are about to wheel her out.

"Wait! Can I come?" I ask pleadingly.

I know Carlos is a good paramedic but I can't get rid of the feeling that I need to protect her and I can't let her ride alone in that bus. I just can't.

Carlos shrugs. "Sure."

I look over at Swersky for permission.

He waves me away. "Just go, but keep me posted."

I nod and hurry after them.