TITLE: Do you really want me?

AUTHOR: faith-in-Faith

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of this. Never have and never will.

RATING: PG-13

SPOILERS: Up to and including season five and various parts of season six. Plus my story "All that glitters is not gold."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: OK, so here I am –finally! I'm incredibly sorry for the long wait but this time I have to "blame" someone else. You see, this has bees done for a while now but it turned out that my poor beta has a real life, too! Who would have known? ;) Thanks, Joey for taking your time to do this. I'm very grateful. : )

Big thanks to all of you who's reviewing this! You make it all worth the effort:D Please continue to let me know what you think by reviewing or by e-mail.

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

I've been sitting in the waiting room for a good thirty minutes before I realize someone has to tell her kids she's in the hospital. Shit! Emily even lives with her nowadays. I know that for sure because Faith told me so last week. If Faith isn't at home in a couple of hours, Emily is going to get worried and who is going to take care of her if Faith can't go home? I swallow hard and stand up. I need to talk to Swersky. I walk over to the nurse's desk and ask if I can borrow the phone.

The nurse hands me the phone with a smile. "Sure, Officer, here you go."

I dial the number to the precinct and hear Swersky pick up. "Hi, Boss. It's Boscorelli."

"Bosco? How's Faith?"

"I don't know. They haven't come out to talk to me yet, but I just wanted to make sure you'd called her next of kin. I mean, her kids need to know she's sick."

"I haven't called anyone."

I stare at the phone in disbelief. Is he out of his mind? He has always been good at making sure injured officers' relatives get notified as soon as possible. Why doesn't he care now, all of a sudden?

"Why not?"

"Because you're her only next of kin – and you already know."

"Me?"

"Yeah, you."

"But what about the kids? Who's gonna tell them?"

"My guess is that she expects you to do it."

I suck in a breath and run my hand over my hair. "OK, I guess I gotta call them then…."

"Yeah, and keep me updated."

"OK, bye."

"Bye."

I hang up the phone and stare out into space. I'm her only next of kin? Poor Faith. I had no idea it was this bad. I had no idea she was this lonely. The thought almost makes me cry. Faith practically erased herself in an attempt to please two of the biggest jag-offs on earth – me and Fred – and that cost her everything. It's a bit comforting, though, that she trusts me enough to want me to be the one to tell her kids if something happens to her. I'm actually amazed she still has that kind of faith in me.

I decide to wait to call until I know what's wrong with her and return to the waiting room and sit down, trying to keep my impatience at bay. Sully and the doctor arrive at the same time and I quickly get on my feet.

The doctor approaches me. "Officer Boscorelli?"

I nod. "Yeah, how is she? Is she OK?"

He looks gravely at me. "It depends on what you mean by OK. She's awake now and that's a good thing but we're very worried about her condition, especially her mental condition. She's very dehydrated and malnourished as well and it's probably the lack of food and liquids that caused her to pass out. There's no way for me to know why she hasn't been eating and drinking properly lately but I'm leaning toward depression."

"Your leaning toward…what kind of bullshit is that? Why don't you just ask her?"

"I would if I could, but all she has done since she woke up is cry. Do you have any idea what's going on in her life right now that could have made her depressed?"

That's not really a hard one, the answer is: Bosco! Me, that's what has been going on lately that could have made her depressed. That's what has been going on the past twelve years….

"It's always you!" Fred was right and if it isn't me, it's him. Poor Faith; she should have married Sully.

"Um…yeah well, she's divorcing her husband and he's suing her for custody and her love life is kind of messy…." Sully snorts behind me and I consider taking out my gun and shooting him but that will have to wait until later; right now I need to focus. "…and I think something else happened today, too, because she was very upset just before she passed out."

The doctor nods his understanding. "I've called the psychiatric unit and asked them to send down a psychiatrist to talk to her. Hopefully they'll be able to find her a bed because she needs to be admitted."

I step closer and stare at him in anger and disbelief. "Are you insane? Are you gonna ship her off to the loony bin!"

I know my behaviour is threatening because Sully's hand appears on my shoulder and he tries to pull me away, while saying my name.

The doctor doesn't look scared, though. Instead, he gives me a compassionate smile. "Officer Boscorelli, I know it's hard to accept when these kinds of illnesses happen to someone close to you, but Officer Yokas' condition is very serious. I fear she needs suicide watch."

"Suicide watch? Are you deaf or something? I told you she passed out; she didn't cut her wrists open! The lack of blood didn't give you a hint either, did it? Why the hell would she kill herself, huh? She's not like that – not at all! How would you know anyway? You don't even know her!"

I'm in the guys face now, my firsts curled into balls at my side. I want to punch him so badly for saying these things about Faith but Sully keeps me in line by tugging continuously on my jacket, calling my name.

The doctor is either very brave or an idiot because he's still not looking even the slightest bit afraid. "I know that and you're right; I don't know her like you do. But even if she hasn't tried to commit suicide any of the regular ways; stopping eating, drinking and sleeping isn't far from it. It'll kill you eventually, too, and you said she's having a rough time right now so…. I'm sorry, I know it's hard to accept but I still think Officer Yokas needs help from the psychiatric unit."

"I needed you to be able to get through the day."

All the fight is leaving me when the memories of those words finally make me understand. I have made her so unhappy that she'd rather be dead. I close my eyes in agony. Oh, Faith, I thought I told you I wasn't worth crying over, and then you should have known I'm not worth killing yourself over either. Oh, God, what have I done? My poor Faith. A sudden, sharp, pain in my stomach makes me recall another line.

"Don't do that again."

The cancer! Maybe it's the cancer! I know that's not much better. It's probably even worse because that makes death a more likely possibility, but right now it feels like anything would be easier to deal with than the fact that she wants to kill herself because of me.

"She had breast cancer three years ago. Maybe it's back. Maybe she's too sick to eat and that would explain why she's crying, too. She's afraid of dying. That could be it, right?" I look eagerly at the doctor.

He doesn't look impressed. "Maybe…but it should have shown up in her blood work…. You could try to ask her if you can get her to talk, but I still want the psychiatrists to look at her."

I nod in agreement. There's nothing else to do right now but if he thinks for one minute that I'm going to stand and watch as some shrink drags her off to the mad house, then he's dead wrong. The only place she's going is home. I'm going to make sure of that, but all that is for later, right now I need to play nice so he'll let me see her.

"Can I see her now?"

"Sure, no problem. She's in exam three."

I start walking toward the room but before I have a chance to go in there, Proctor calls my name. I turn around to face her.

"Just give us a couple of minutes, will you? We need to change her IV and draw some more blood. I promise you can see her as soon as we're done."

I nod. I have no intention of messing with her. She's a really nice person and she knows how important Faith is to me. She proved that the night Faith got shot.

I run my hand over my hair and look over at Sully. "I'm gonna call Emily, OK?"

"OK, I'll wait here."

I go outside and hit speed-dial three on my cell phone. Emily picks up on the third ring and the background sounds tell me she's either still in school or with some friends.

"Hi, Emmy, it's Bosco."

"What do you want?" she answers coldly.

Shit! I forgot that she hates me nowadays. This is going to be even worse than I thought.

"Look, Emmy, I'm at the hospital with your Mom."

"Mom? Why?"

"She passed out at work this afternoon. The doctor says she hasn't been eating and drinking properly. He thinks she's depressed."

"This is entirely your fault! You promised to take care of her when Dad left but you didn't. You have just made her even more unhappy. Why can't you just love her like she loves you? Why? Why did you have to make her so unhappy that she ends up in the hospital?"

She's close to tears and her despair makes me feel sick. Another person whose life I have destroyed.

"Emily, please calm down. She's going to be OK."

"How? Are you planning on starting to love her?"

"It isn't that easy, Emily."

I hear her take a deep breath. "You're right I'm sorry. It's just that it's so hard to see her like this."

"I know, Emmy. I know, but I'll try to make this OK. She's my friend and I want to be there for her like she's been there for me. I'll take care of her."

"Bosco, she doesn't want you to take care of her. She wants you to love her."

I close my eyes. This is just plain awful. Over the years, Faith has only asked me for one thing. Why did she have to choose something that's impossible for me to do?

"Look, Emily, I think you better stay with your Dad tonight because your mother isn't coming home."

"NO! I can't go there. He's gonna use that against her. He's gonna try to make me stay with him, too! Can't I stay with you? Please?"

"You can't. I'm gonna stay here with your Mom."

"Then I'll come there, too."

"I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Please, Bosco, please…."

She sounds like a little child and I can't resist. How could I? I have never been able to deny that kid anything. Faith even used to tease me about it.

"OK, I send Sully to pick you up at home in twenty minutes. Is that OK?"

"Yeah, that's great. Thanks, Bosco."

"You're welcome. See you later."

"Bye, Bosco."

"Bye, Emmy."

I sigh and hang up the phone. This keeps getting worse. How the hell am I going to fix this? I go back to the waiting room and sit down again, putting my head in my hands. I feel like I could throw up any minute.

Sully places his hand on my back and asks with concern in his voice, "Bosco?"

"This is entirely my fault, Sully," I whisper in agony.

"Bosco, don't. You don't help her by blaming yourself. You're just gonna end up with a new ulcer and make things even worse for both of you."

I lift my head and look at him. "It is my fault. Didn't you hear the doctor? She doesn't want to live anymore because of me."

"I didn't hear him mention your name," Sully murmurs half-heartedly.

I glare at him.

He sighs loudly. "OK, so maybe it is you. At least you're right there on the top of the list - next to Fred."

I desperately rub my palms on the sides of my head. "What the hell am I gonna do?"

Sully eyes me carefully. "Why don't you tell her what she's so desperate to hear?"

I narrow my eyes. "What the hell do you mean? You can't seriously think I should tell her I love her?"

"Why not?"

I give him a "Hello?" look. The poor guy must finally have turned senile or something.

"Because it isn't true?"

"Bosco…."

"No, Sully, I really want to help her. She has always been there for me and everything but I can't lie to her. Not about something as important as this. It wouldn't be fair. No, Sully, I just can't do it."

Sully looks inquiringly at me and says softly, "I'm not so sure that would be a lie."

"What the hell do you mean?"

"Do you remember when you told me she loved you and I told you I'd already figured that out long ago, because of the way she always looks at you?"

"Yeah, so?"

Sully exhales slowly. "Bosco, she isn't the only one I've been watching…. I've seen you ready to kill perps who'd badmouthed her. I have seen her pull you off the edge by her mere presence over and over again, something I never have been able to do, no matter how much I wanted to. I was there with you when Cruz shot her. I saw what it did to you – what it still does to you. I saw you beat yourself up for what happened to her to the point you'd almost died from a bleeding ulcer. I was sitting on the street, holding your hand, thinking you'd never make it and instead of having to reassure you that you'd be OK, I had to reassure you she was OK. I have seen how you look at her every time it's time to go home – like you were afraid it was the last time you'd ever see her. I saw you today, holding her so close to you, the paramedics couldn't even get in to look at her. I have seen you get all out of your way this last month to make sure she's doing OK. You didn't have to do that. It isn't even your style. I think you love her, too"

Every word he utters makes it harder for me to breathe. He can't be right, because if he is, I have screwed up so badly I don't even know how to live with myself. He can't be right because I can't stand the thought of how much time I've wasted if he's is, all the pain Faith had to get through, just because I was too thick-headed to see the truth. No, he can't be right. He can't.

"She's my partner," I whisper weakly, desperately trying to control my breathing.

"Yeah, she is but I still think you love her."

"No…o. You're wr…o…ng!"

"If I am, then why are you so upset that you can't breathe?"

He squats down in front of me now, his hands on my shoulders. I look desperately at him. "Be…e…cau…se if yo…u…u are I've sc…re…wed up so…o bad." I can hardly get the words out because there's simply not enough air in my lungs.

"Bosco, you need to breathe, OK? Just take deep breaths."

As always when I can't breathe, he uses that special voice that makes me feel safe and I realize that he's almost as good as Faith at this now.

At the sound of Sully's voice constantly encouraging me to breathe, I slowly calm down but instead I feel nauseous as hell. I'm not going to throw up, though. I'm not. I slowly wipe the cold sweat from my forehead and look up at Sully again.

He studies my face carefully. "You OK now?"

I nod.

Sully stands up and sits down beside me. "Just tell her, Bosco. It will make life so much easier for both of you."

I shake my head. "No, I don't even know for sure if it's true and even if it is, what makes you think she still wants me?"

"She's here because she can't live without you," he states simply.

I moan. This is just completely messed up. "But I'm not good enough for her. You said so yourself. No one in their right mind would love me - especially not someone as smart as Faith."

Sully smiles. "No one is perfect."

I glare at him. "You think this is some big joke, don't you."

"No, Bosco, I don't. This is very serious. Faith is so sad and lonely that she gets sick and you're constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and if you two don't pull yourselves together soon, I'm gonna have an ulcer, too. I'm way too old for this."

I put my head in my hands again and try to keep myself from throwing up. What am I gonna do? This is too much for me to handle. I'm so confused that I don't even know what I feel anymore. What if I do love her? I don't even want to think about what that means and I definitely don't want to think about how much sorrow and pain I could have spared both of us, if I had been just a bit smarter.

"You can see her now." Proctor's voice jerks me out of my thoughts and I quickly look up at her.

"You OK, Bosco?" she asked concerned.

I guess I look like shit. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

I stand up carefully, just to make sure the world doesn't decide to start moving before I do. As I start walking toward her room again, I hear Sully call after me.

"At least think about it, Bosco, OK?"

I just wave in his direction but it's not a dismissing gesture and I know he knows that.