TITLE: Do you really want me?

AUTHOR: faith-in-Faith

RATING: PG-13

DISCLAIMER: Don't own any of these characters but since NBC doesn't want them anymore—who knows what's going to happen. ; )

SPOILERS: Up to and including pieces of season six and my story "All that glitters is not gold."

AUTHOR' S NOTE: What can I say? I know it's been forever but look at the bright side. My beta is done with school soon and then you hopefully don't have to wait this long anymore. : D

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

I stop in the doorway to look at her. She looks so fragile, lying there all alone with her back to me. There's only a thin sheet covering her and I can see that she's shaking. I want to believe that she's cold but I know all too well that she's crying -- crying over me. I swallow hard and walk up to the bed.

I hesitate for a few seconds before gently putting my hand on her shoulder. Maybe touching her isn't the smartest thing to do under the circumstances but if she's anything like me, she really needs to be held right now.

"Faith?"

She doesn't answer but the shaking increases and I know that the sound of my voice has made her cry harder. I'm such a bastard.

"Faith, come on, look at me."

She still doesn't answer or move and I step around the bed to get to look at her. The way she looks makes it hard to breathe. Her face is pale and stained with tears and her eyes red-rimmed and swollen from all the crying. I swallow hard several times to get rid of the lump in my throat. I can't cry now. I need to be strong for Faith.

I put my hand on her cheek; well aware that, by doing so, I am crossing a line that I probably shouldn't cross -- at least not right now. But I don't care anymore. Everything has gone straight to hell lately and I highly doubt it can get any worse.

"Faith, what's wrong?"

Still no answer, but her crying increases even more and her whole body shakes with violent sobs. I look around and find a chair in the corner of the room. I move it to the bed and sit down beside her. Her hands are hidden under the sheet. I put one of my own hands there as well and feel around until I find one of hers, gripping it tightly. I use my other hand to gently stroke her hair and the side of her face.

"Faith, look at me, please."

She opens her eyes and the pain and despair in them makes it hard to breathe. It feels like her anguish is going to make me have another panic attack.

"Faith, what's wrong? Please tell me what's wrong. I can't help you if you don't talk to me. Is it the cancer?"

Saying the world cancer out loud makes my stomach hurt and I know that if the answer to my question is "yes," I'm going to throw up.

She slowly shakes her head and takes her hand away to wipe at her tears.

I catch it again and interweave my fingers with hers. The look of surprise on her face tells me this probably is another thing I shouldn't do, but I don't care anymore. I want her to feel safe and loved. I want her to stop crying.

Squeezing her hand gently, I ask, "Then what?"

"Charlie, I lost Charlie."

I looked worriedly at her. What the hell does she mean by lost? Is he dead?

"What do you mean by 'lost,' Faith?"

"Fred got full custody."

Oh, God, poor Faith. No wonder she's upset. That cheating bastard got full custody? The judge who decided that must be smoking crack or something.

"I'm so sorry, Faith," I say and gently wipe at her tears. "I'm really sorry. Was that what you were about to tell me when you passed out?"

She nods and gives out a soft whimper, unable to control her crying anymore. I move so I'm sitting on the edge of the bed instead of the chair, and carefully put my arms around her, pulling her up into my embrace. She doesn't resist and I don't care anymore if this is right or wrong. I just want her to stop hurting before I lose my mind. I can't stand to see her hurting like this. I love her too much. Maybe Sully is right after all. Maybe I love her the way she wants me to -- the way she loves me.

"Shhh, Faith, it's OK. I'll fix this. Don't worry. We'll fix this together. We'll get him back. I promise."

I hold her tight and caress her hair, just as she did with me every time she was around when I had a panic attack. She doesn't try to pull away. Instead, she clings onto me for dear life and I hold her tightly, trying to make her pain go away. Eventually her sobs even out and she pulls away.

"Faith?"

She doesn't answer. Instead, she quickly lies down again and turns her back at me.

"I'm sorry."

Her voice is almost inaudible and I know she thinks she has made a fool out of herself.

"Faith, look at me."

She doesn't respond and, once again, I move around the bed to get to look at her.

"Faith, look at me."

She keeps her gaze firmly on the sheet as she replies, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall apart on you."

"Faith, it's OK"

She doesn't answer.

"I need to ask you something, though, and I need you to look me in the eyes when you answer, OK?"

She slowly lifts her gaze to meet mine. "The doctor out there says you collapsed because you're so depressed that you stopped eating and drinking. He says you need suicide watch because you might very well try to kill yourself. Is that true, Faith?"

She doesn't answer but she doesn't need to. The answer is right there in her eyes. She's desperate enough to kill herself. She doesn't want me to see it but she can't hide it. I know her too well.

I feel my eyes tear up. Is there ever going to be one thing in this world that I don't mess up beyond repair? I reach out and put my hand on hers, squeezing it lightly. "Faith, I'm so sorry."

She tries to pull her hand back but I don't let her. "We've been over this, Faith. I told you I wasn't worth crying over and I'm sure as hell not worth killing yourself over. Do you hear me? Please, Faith, I don't want to have that kind of power over you."

She's quiet for the longest time, and when she answers, her voice is uncharacteristically weak and quiet. "It's not just you, Bos. It's everything. It's just too much. I can't do this alone anymore. I just can't. I'm sorry."

Hearing her saying those words finally makes me realize that Sully is right -- right about it all. I am an idiot. I am a self-absorbed jerk and I do love her the way she loves me. I'm in love with her and it took me thirteen years to realize that. That has to be some kind of record in stupidity but I can't dwell on that now. Right now, Faith needs me more than ever and this is my chance to do something right for once.

I move to sit down on the edge of the bed, still holding her hand, and start to stroke her hair again. "You're not alone, Faith. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

She smiles weakly. "Yes, you are, Bos. I don't want you to be here because you feel guilty. You never promised me anything. I could have chosen to get another partner but I didn't. It was my choice and it was a bad one, but I don't want you to feel guilty about it. You didn't do anything wrong. Just go home, Bos. I'll be fine."

"You want me to go home so you can kill yourself?"

She looks down at the sheet. "At least that would give you one less thing to worry about -- one person less to take care of. You could finally go on with you life"

"Yeah, Faith, that would really be great. Do you really think I would be able to live with the fact that my best friend killed herself because of me, huh? How the hell am I gonna explain that to Emmy and Charlie. How, Faith? Why don't you tell me?"

Her eyes tear up again. I know I yelled at her and I'm internally cursing myself for doing so. I need to learn how to control my temper. Anger isn't going to get me anywhere. I need to make her understand that I'm not going to leave. I have to make her understand that I really, truly love her, too.

I kneel down beside the bed so I can look directly into her eyes. "Faith, listen to me. I'm sorry I yelled at you. It's just that I love you so much and you're scaring me."

She reaches up, puts her hand on my cheek and says sadly, "No, Bos, you don't love me. Not that way."

She's crying again and it makes my chest tighten to the point where I fear I'll have another panic attack. Of course she notices it and when she continues her voice is soft and soothing.

"It's OK, Bos. You don't have to. I'll be OK."

I take a deep breath, willing myself to calm down because, right now, I need to be strong for her, not freaking out like a damn girl. Her hand is still on my cheek and I cover it with my own.

"You gotta believe me, Faith. I love you. I really do. You're everything to me. I need you as bad as you need me."

She gives me another sad smile as she wipes at her tears. "We really are two peas in a pod, huh?"

I smile back and run my hand over her hair. "I do love you, Faith. I do."

She gently strokes my hair with her free hand. "I know you do, Bos. I know you do -- in your own twisted way."

I want to protest but I realize it will have to do for now. She isn't ready to believe me yet and I can't really blame her. I guess I was pretty convincing when I told her I didn't love her but as long as she doesn't throw me out; I'm satisfied. I'll make her understand eventually. I know I will. I can be very convincing when I need to.

I gently kiss her forehead before sitting down on the edge of the bed again. I'm still holding her hand and I link my fingers with hers again. "Go to sleep, Faith. You need it."

Something that looks like panic appears in her eyes and they tear up all over again. "Please, Bos, don't leave."

I give her a small smile, letting my hand playing with her hair again. It's unbelievable soft. "I told you I wasn't going any where. I'll stay for as long as you need me and that means as long as I think you need me. You have nothing to say in the matter. Now, go to sleep. No more crying, OK?"

She takes a shaky breath and closes her eyes. "OK."

I smile softly, although she can't see me. She's so beautiful. I can't believe I never saw it before.

I continue to caress her hair, watching her features soften as she relaxes more and more but suddenly her eyes pop open and she looks at me, wide-eyed in fear.

"Emily! Bosco, I need to call Emily! Oh, God, who's gonna take care of her?"

"Faith. Hey, Faith, look at me. I called her and told her. I told her to go to Fred's for now, but she refused. She said it would only make things worse for you, so I sent Sully to get her. She's on her way here."

She stares at me in horror and starts crying again. "No, Bos. She can't see me like this. She can't. It'll only scare her and this isn't a place for kids. Please, Bos, she can't come here."

This is killing me. I have never seen her like this before, so lost and confused, almost hysterical. I'm starting to see what the doctor saw. She really needs a shrink and I'll get her one. I'll get her the best but I'm going to make sure she stays as far away from the loony bin as possible.

I pull her into my embrace again in an attempt to make her calm down. "Sh, Faith, it's OK. Emmy's a big girl. She can handle this and I'll take care of her for you, OK?"

She pulls away so she can look at me. "You will?"

I nod reassuringly. "Yes, Faith, I will. I promise. Now please calm down and try to get some sleep. We'll sort everything out tomorrow, I promise. But right now you need to get some rest, OK?"

She nods obediently and I can see the exhaustion in her eyes. "OK."

I carefully lay her back on the bed and take her hand again. This time she's the one who laces her fingers with mine and I can't help but smile.

I gently brush my fingers against her cheek. "Go to sleep, Faith."

Just a couple of minutes later, she's asleep and I breathe a sigh in relief, because if I had had to see her desperation for five more minutes, I'd have gone insane for sure.

I stand up to stretch out a bit and when I turn toward the door, I spot Sully there. I put my finger to my mouth and point at Faith. He nods and motions with his head for me to come into the hall.

"I'll leave her with you now," he says calmly and points to Emily, who's sitting in one of the chairs, looking lonely. "I'm gonna head home if that's OK with you."

"Yeah, sure. Thanks, Sul – for everything."

He just nods in response and leaves.

Emily vacates her chair and walks up to me. "How is she?"

I sigh and nervously run my hand over my hair. "Not so good, Emmy. She's very depressed, but don't worry. I'll fix that."

She looks doubtfully at me. "Really? And exactly how are you gonna do that?"

"I'm gonna give her what she wants."

"But she only wants you, Bosco. You're all she lives for."

She sounds hurt and I can't really blame her. She wants to be the most important person to her mom, and she really should be. And I actually think she is, but with me constantly getting Faith in trouble and expecting her to clean up my mess, I have made it impossible for Faith to show her feelings properly.

"Well, I'm planning on staying with her now, so…."

Emily narrows her eyes. "Are you telling me you're gonna start loving her all of a sudden?"

I look down on my shoes. This is awkward as hell but I can't really complain. I made my own bed, now I have to sleep in it. "I think I have always loved her. I was just too stupid to realize it."

She is quiet for so long that I have to look up. She stares at me and I try to read her face, but it's impossible.

Finally she says, "You really are an idiot, you know that, right?"

I nod.

"You hurt my mom so bad, I wanna kick your ass. I'm gonna forgive you, though, but only because you're gonna make her very happy."

"Fair enough."

We look at each other in silence for a few moments and then she asks, "So, is she gonna be OK?"

I shift uncomfortably. "That jag off doctor wants to send her to the psychiatric unit."

Emily looks horrified.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to let him do that, but she really needs to see someone. She's…." I stop because I can't find a word to describe Faith's mental state without ending up sounding like an ass.

"…a total wreck," Emily supplies quietly.

I nod again. "Something like that, yeah."

There's another silence before she asks, "Can I see her?"

"Sure, but she just fell asleep so we have to be quiet."

It's her turn to nod. "Sure."

Faith's still sound asleep when we enter the room and I'm grateful for it. She really needs to rest.

Emily walks up to the bed and sits down on the edge, taking Faith's hand. "Hi, Mom," she whispers softly.

Faith doesn't move. I sit down on the chair and put my hand on her cheek. Emily looks at me and smiles. For the first time in months, I actually feel peaceful.