TITLE: Do you really want me?

AUTHOR: faith-in-Faith

DISCLAIMER: I don't own this….

RATING: PG-13

SUMMARY: What if Faith did love Bosco….

SPOILER: Up to season six and my story "All that glitters is not gold."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: OK, so here is finally a new chapter. Hopefully you will like it.

I'm really sorry for taking so long but life has been busy both for my beta and me.

Thanks for all the great reviews! Please continue to tell me what you think, by reviewing, pm or mail.

Thanks go to Joey, my favorite beta and to Bee and Alexa for keeping my spirit up.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

I jerk awake suddenly, not sure what awoke me. My head is hurting so badly it feels like it's going to explode. It takes me a couple of minutes to figure out where I am since I don't want to open my eyes. It's the smell that makes me realize that I'm in the hospital and at the same moment, I realize where I am; it all comes back to me and I start crying all over again.

I don't understand where all these tears come from. You would think I should have run out days ago -- but no. There are always more to come. Actually, it's like all I'm able to do nowadays is cry. I can't eat or sleep, but crying my eyes out over and over again is no problem whatsoever.

"Faith. Faith, don't cry. It's OK. I'm right here."

The soft caring voice that whispers those words belongs to Bosco. I can't believe he's still here, especially after my hysterical behaviour earlier.

"Faith?" He puts his hand on my cheek, gently wiping at my tears. "Faith? Are you awake?"

He has been very affectionately and physical with me these past hours and I can't help wondering why. I carefully open my eyes because I want to see his precious face. He's much closer than I expected and the surprise makes me jerk away slightly.

"Shh, it's OK," he says kindly and caresses my hair.

"Bos," I whisper shakily. "Emily."

He smiles and moves to the side. "Right here."

I spot Emily curled up in a chair in the corner of the room. She's sound asleep, neatly tucked in under Bosco's uniform jacket. The sight of my daughter, safe and sound in the Bosco's care, makes my eyes tear up all over again.

"Thank-you, Bos."

"You're welcome." His thumbs gently wipe at my tears again. "But you gotta stop crying, Faith, OK? I know things are rough right now but it will get better. We will fix this together. I'll help you. I promise."

His reassuring words don't help at all. They just make me cry harder. "It can't be fixed."

He quickly moves to sit on the edge of the bed and pulls me up into his embrace -- just like he did yesterday. I know I shouldn't let him hold me like this. It's too intimate and he's only doing it because he feels sorry for me. Still, I can't make myself pull away. I need him so badly. I need to feel his strong arms around me. I need him to hold me and take care of me because I can't do this on my own anymore. I just can't. I feel like I'm drowning and I need him to save me. To be in his arms is what I have longed for -- for years -- and right now it's the only place where I actually feel alive.

"Yes it can, Faith. I promise. There isn't anything so bad that it can't be fixed, remember? You said so yourself. I'll make it all go away. I love you."

There he said it again. It's the fourth time since I woke up and I want to yell at him to stop saying things he doesn't mean. It's not that I don't want him to love me. I want it so badly it hurts but I know he's only saying it to make me feel better. So I just shake my head and bury my face in his uniform shirt. He smells so good. He smells like Bosco and that's the most comforting smell in the world -- always has been. He holds me tight for a while, without talking, just stroking my hair over and over again. No one can get me to calm down like Bosco and today is no different.

When he feels that I have calmed down, he pulls away slightly to look at me. "Faith, you gotta listen to me for a moment -- really listen, OK?"

He sounds very serious, almost desperate. I suddenly realize how tired and worn out he looks and I feel guilty. He's been here for hours, worrying about me when he should have been home resting to avoid a new ulcer.

I nod and do my best to pull myself together for him.

"When I talked to the doctor last night, he said he'd send down a shrink to talk to you. He wants you to be admitted."

I immediately start crying again. I can't help it. I don't want go to the psychiatric unit but I know I'll never pass a talk with the shrink. I am and depressed and he's going to notice.

Bos immediately puts one of his hands back on my cheek, looking me deeply in the eyes. "Don't cry, Faith. You don't think I'd let them ship you off to the loony bin if I can help it, do you?"

I bow my head. Maybe he should. Maybe that would be best for all of us.

Bosco carefully lifts my chin with his hand. "Faith, look at me."

I lift my eyes to meet his gaze.

"I'm not gonna let them take you anywhere, OK? You're coming home with me."

I open my mouth to protest but he puts his index finger to my lips. "Sshh, just listen to me. I guess they have been swamped at the loony bin because no one has been here yet, but they will be soon and I need you to pull yourself together just a bit, OK?"

I nod obediently, wondering how on earth I'd be able to do that.

"You don't have to worry about a thing, OK? You're gonna go home with me and I'll take care of you and Emily. All you have to do is stop crying while you're talking to the shrink. You need to convince them you're not gonna kill yourself if they let you go home with me."

Despite his desperate pleading, my eyes are overflowed with tears again. No matter what people say, and in spite of everything that has happened between us, Bosco has to be the sweetest and most caring person ever.

Not only have I put him in an awkward position by confessing my love to him but I have also broken down completely, leaving him to deal with everything -- including taking care of my daughter. And he doesn't hesitate even for a second to try to fix things -- as always. I wonder why. As things are, he should be happy to get rid of me.

"Please, Faith, don't cry," he whispers desperately and pulls me closer to him again. "You gotta calm down."

I bury my head into his shoulder, letting him comfort me and whisper back, "Why?"

He pulls away so he can look at me. "Why what, Faith?"

"Why are you doing this for me?"

He gently wipes at my tears with one of his hands, still keeping me in his embrace and smiles brightly. "Because I love you."

OK, so this has to stop. I can't let him keep saying that. He doesn't mean it. I know he doesn't but every time he says it; I almost believe him and eventually it's going to drive me insane. I take a deep breath, willing myself to stop crying long enough to let him off the hook. I put my hand on his cheek because I don't want him to feel rejected either. I don't want him to feel like I want him out of my life, like the last time I was in the hospital.

"Bos, I know I'm a basket case right now and I know that you hate when women cry and I know I scared you yesterday, but you don't have to say you love me. I don't want you to say things you don't mean because you're afraid I'll hurt myself. I'm OK. I promise."

The sad and concerned look in his eyes tells me he doesn't believe me. "Faith, you're not OK. Not even close."

I smile sadly. "Maybe not but that doesn't mean that you have to take care of me. I'm not your responsibility."

"Someone has to take care of you."

"The people in the psychiatric unit will do that."

He gently caresses my hair and asks carefully, "Do you want to go there?"

I can tell that he's both confused and desperate and that right now he's willing to do anything I ask him to, if that means I will stop crying.

I try to hold back my tears. "No, of course not, but I obviously need help."

"Then please let me help you. Just come home with me and we'll sort it out. I promise. I will get you a shrink. Hell, I'll get you the best there is. Just hold it together when you talk to the psych people here so they don't admit you."

I shake my head. "No, Bos. I don't want to be a burden to you."

His hand finds mine and his fingers interweave with mine. I look up at him and the look of love and affection in his eyes is breathtaking. "You could never be a burden to me, Faith. I love you."

It feels like he's twisting a knife in my chest. This has to stop now or I'm definitely going to have to kill myself.

"Please, Bos, stop saying you love me, please. I know you mean well but it hurts more to hear you say it, knowing that you don't mean it, than it does when you say you don't."

He looks so unhappy that I want to hug him but he beats me to it. He takes me in his arms and hugs me so tightly it's almost hard to breathe. Then he pulls away slightly and looks me steadily in the eyes.

"Listen to me, Faith. You have known me for a long time, right?"

I nod.

"Have you ever heard me say 'I love you' to anyone before?"

I shake my head. "You don't believe in love," I whisper.

"Exactly! So, tell me, Faith. Do you really think I would say it to you over and over again if I didn't mean it?"

I nod again.

He looks surprised. "Why would I do that?"

"Because you don't want to have my suicide on your conscience."

He smiles slightly. "You're giving me too much credit, Faith. I'm too much of a jerk to care that much."

"No you're not. You're sitting here with me now. You've offered to take care of me and Emily. You care just that much."

He runs his hand over his hair in frustration. "Because I love you, Faith! I wouldn't care this much if I didn't! I love you. Have I really screwed up what we had so bad that it's impossible for you to believe me?"

The desperate look in his tear-filled eyes, and the way he keeps repeating the three words I know he fears more than anything, finally convinces me that he says it because he really means it -- not just to make me feel better and keep me from killing myself. He really truly loves me. Bosco loves Faith. What I have been wishing for all these years has come true and still all I feel is confusion. Why does he love me all of a sudden? What has changed? Because something has changed, I'm sure of it. He didn't lie three moths ago when he said he didn't. So what is new? What did I miss?

I stare back at him and ask shakily, "But I thought…you said you didn't…I…I don't understand, Bosco. What changed?"

He smiles warmly. "Nothing changed, Faith. I know now that I have always loved you. I was just too thick-headed and self-absorbed to realize it but someone talked some sense into me yesterday."

I open my mouth to ask who, when something dawns on me and I start smiling as well. "Sully."

He nods his head. "Sully."

"Did he come down hard on you?"

The mischievous sparkle he had in his eyes before 9/11 is back for a brief moment when he replies, "No, he's actually very nice to me nowadays. My performance with the bleeding ulcer and watching you mothering me for thirteen years has made him think I'll die if he's too hard on me."

I can't help the big grin on my face. He's unbelievable.

Then his eyes go dead serious again as he asks, "So, do you believe me now?"

I nod and feel my eyes tear up. "Yes, Bos. I do."

The genuinely happy smile on his face amazes me. It was a very long time since I saw him smile like that, and the thought that he smiles like that because he loves me makes me feel unbelievably happy myself.

A male voice brings me back to reality. "Officer Yokas?"

Bosco moves away briefly so I can look at the one who's talking. "Yeah, that's me."

The man slowly crosses the room and reaches out his hand for me to take. "I'm doctor Richards. I work at the psychiatric unit here at Mercy. Your doctor thinks you're depressed and wants me to talk to you. Is it OK if we talk a bit right away?"

I nod and quickly dry at my tears. "Sure."

The doctor looks over at Bosco. "I'm sorry, but I want to talk to her alone."

He nods and moves so he stands in front of me, making it impossible for the doctor to see my face. He pulls me into a hug and whispers in my ear. "Please, Faith. No crying. Just hold it together for five minutes, please. You're coming home with me. I love you, remember?"

I hug him back tightly and murmur, "No crying, I promise."

I can feel him smile against the top of my head. Then he leans in and presses a soft kiss to my lips before leaving the room with a smiling Emily in tow. When he's out of my sight, I look up at the doctor. He looks really nice but I'm scared anyway. What if I can't do this?

The tears threaten to fall and I swallow hard. "Just suck it up, Faith. He loves you, remember? He will take care of you." I tell myself.

"So are you ready to begin?" he asks kindly.

I nod. I can do this. I know I can. Bosco loves me and there's no way I'm going to destroy that by ending up in the loony bin -- no way!

I sit on the edge of the bed feeling proud of myself. I made it. I made it through the whole conversation with the shrink without breaking down and now he's standing outside my room giving Bosco homecare instructions. He's releasing me only because I'm not living alone. Well, technically I do but Bos and Em are probably making up some story that fits right now. I don't want to think about what they come up with. The last time they needed a story he became her father. I'm probably married by now.

I keep watching Bosco's handsome, but serious face, as he talks to the doctor and fragments of their conversations reach me.

"…you gotta get her to eat, drink and sleep. It's very important. If you can't; you will have to take her back."

Bosco nods and takes some papers from the doctor's hand. Then the doctor turns and leaves and Bosco walks back into the room.

He smiles happily at me and runs his fingers along my cheek. His eyes are filled with love and he looks almost as proud as I feel.

"You did good, Faith -- really good." He holds out his hand. "Now, come on. Let's go home."