TITLE: Do you really want me?

AUTHOR: faith-in-Faith

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters. Just use them to play with now when Ed doesn't want them anymore. ;)

RATING: PG-13

SPOILERS: The whole show, with addition of my own stuff and my story "All that glitters is not gold."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: OK, so here I am again with a new chapter. I really hope you are going to enjoy it. :) This story is heading towards the end just one or two more chapters. But don't worry; my poor brain is working over time to sort out all the crap my muse comes up with. So I will be back with more stories.:)

Thanks for reviewing this. It's always a pleasure to read your comments, so please continue doing so, and thanks Joey for correcting this.:)

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

The ride home is silent. He only asks me if we want to stay with him or if we want him to stay with us. I tell him I think it's better if he stays at my place since Emily is going to need her stuff. He just nods and continues to drive. It's a good silence, though, and for the first time in days I feel at ease. Then I realize that Emily hasn't said a word since we left the hospital and feel a twinge of worry. What if she isn't OK with this?

I glance at her in the rear-view mirror. She doesn't look mad – just tired.

"Em, are you OK?"

She catches my gaze in the mirror and smiles fondly. "Yeah, Mom. I'm fine now."

I smile back. It's the first genuine smile I have given her in weeks. "That's good."

We reach the apartment and Bosco parks the car and we all get out. He walks up to me and holds out his hand. "Come on, Faith."

I smile and let my own hand slip into his, and hand-in–hand, we walk up to the apartment with Emily right behind us.

Once inside, she turns to Bosco and says, "I'll order the pizza."

Bosco nods. "Good."

Then he turns to me. "Why don't you try to get some rest? I'll wake you up when the pizza gets here."

My eyes tear up again for no reason at all. No reason except that resting would mean that I can't be in the same room as him and I want – need – to be near him. "I'm not all that sleepy, Bos."

His eyes are filled with concern as he wipes at my tears. "Faith, what's wrong?"

I just shake my head because I don't have an answer for him. I don't even have one for myself. I just feel lost. But as usual, he reads in my eyes what I can't say and without a word he pulls me into a hug.

We stand like that for a while and then he says, "Come on, let's sit down and watch some TV while we're waiting."

I just nod and following him to the couch and sit down. He sits down beside me and puts his arm around my shoulders. I rest my head against his. It feels very comfortable. It almost makes me feel safe.

A short while later, a knock on the door announces that our lunch is here. Emily gets the door and Bosco gets up from the couch to pay the delivery guy. I remain where I am, just watching him as he speaks to Emily and the delivery guy. It's amazing. I have watched him almost every day for thirteen years and I never get tired of doing so.

He takes the pizza and turns to me. "Dinner or lunch, or whatever you wanna call it, is ready. Let's eat."

I hesitantly stand up and look pleadingly at him. "I'm not hungry, Bos. I think I'll go and lie down instead."

He takes a step closer to me and gently tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear. "Faith, you gotta eat. I have to take you back to the hospital if you don't. Is pizza too much for you? Do you want something else?"

"I can make you a sandwich," Emily offers quietly.

I force a smile. "No that's fine. I'll try some."

Bosco's eyes meet mine and I can see the gratefulness in them. He's silently thanking me for trying.

None of us say much while we are eating but I notice two things. One: both Emily and Bosco look incredibly tired and, considering how tired I feel myself, I think we could all use a nap. Two: Bosco is barely eating. I feel worried. What if he doesn't feel well again? God knows I have caused him enough stress the last two days to result in a dozen ulcers.

"Faith, you're not eating," Bosco points out reproachfully.

"Well, I could say the same about you."

He smiles slightly. "Fair enough. How about we both finish up?"

I smile back. "Deal."

He holds my gaze for a few seconds and I know he's telling me not to worry. I give him another faint smile to show that I get the message.

He turns his attention to Emily and asks, "Do you need a note or something for school tomorrow? To explain your absence today, I mean."

She shrugs. "I guess."

"Then I guess I have to write you one."

I'm about to protest but Emily beats me to it. "You?"

It's his turn to shrug. "Why not? I'm your father, remember?"

Emily's grin, along with the boyish sparkle in Bosco's eyes, makes me feel like I'm dealing with two teenagers – two completely insane teenagers.

I put my head in my hands and whimper. "Bos, what did you tell that shrink."

"Nothing, I let Emily do the talking," he replies innocently.

I lift my head and sternly look at Emily. "Emily?"

She shrugs again. "I didn't really tell him much. He asked if Bosco was a relative because he couldn't let you take care of me alone when you are this depressed. I told him Bosco used to take care of me all the time and then Bosco told him he'd do anything to make sure you and I were OK, and that was it. He started to assume a bunch of things. Like, that Bosco was my father and stuff. It wasn't like we lied or something. We just didn't correct him."

I give out another whimper. This is just a catastrophe. I don't understand why neither of them can see what horrible consequences these kinds of games can cause us all. Tears rapidly start to fill my eyes and I can't stop a sob from escaping. Bosco gets up from his chair and is by my side instantly.

He hugs me closely and his voice is filled with regret as he whispers, "I'm sorry, Faith. Don't cry. Maybe we were doing a stupid thing but we did it for you. We did it because we love you. We just wanted to take you home so we could take care of you."

His confession only makes things worse because it makes me realize it's my entire fault. If I wasn't such a basket case, neither of them would have to feel the need to protect me and none of this would have happened.

I feel completely useless and I'm crying so hard I'm shaking.

"Shh, Faith, it's all right," Bosco says soothingly. "Let's get you in bed, OK? You're exhausted and need to get some rest."

I nod against his shoulder, but I can't move. It's like all my remaining strength has vanished. I can't even find enough strength to talk. But as usual, he knows what I need without me having to tell him. He has always had that ability, but I think that in the past, he just chose to ignore it most of the time. So, without another word, he scoops me up in his arms and carries me to the bedroom.

He lies me down on the bed and strokes my cheek tenderly. "Get, some rest, Faith. You need it."

I brush my fingers through his short hair, thinking that he looks almost as exhausted as I feel. "You should get some rest, too. You look tired."

He smiles fondly at me. "You just can't stop worrying about me, can you?"

I smile back. "Not a chance. I love you."

His smile widens. "I know. I love you, too."

His reply fills me with a wonderful feeling of happiness and a very comforting feeling knowing that no one or nothing can hurt me ever again

I trace his jaw line with my fingers and say, "Please, Bos. Get some rest."

"I will, I promise. I 'm gonna take a nap on the couch as soon as you're asleep."

I reach for his hand and link my fingers with his. "Can't you just stay here with me?"

"You sure?" His uncertainness is unbelievably sweet and thoughtful and makes me love him even more. I just wish he knew how many times I'd wished I could go to sleep in his arms – especially the last two months.

"I'm sure."

"OK."

He climbs in bed behind me and puts his arm around me. "Go to sleep, Faith."

I just nod and let myself drift off to sleep.

I wake up to the sound of someone getting sick. The absence of Bosco's warm body against mine tells me it's him, and that means that he's not feeling well – just as I suspected. The thought almost makes me start crying all over again because I know it's all because of me, but I quickly swallow my tears. I'm surprised that I'm actually able to do it, but I guess my desire to take care of, and protect him goes beyond everything.

I make my way to the bathroom. Emily is no where in sight and I'm briefly wondering if she's taking a nap, too. I reach the bathroom door and open it. He stands by the sink, splashing cold water on his face.

"Bosco?"

He turns around, looking slightly surprised when he spots me. "Faith, what are you doing up? Is something wrong?"

I shake my head and bite my bottom lip. "No, I just heard you getting sick and…. You OK?"

He gives me a fake smile that is so good that if I didn't know him as well as I do, I easily would have bought it. And I'm beginning to understand how he always manages to fool the doctors and the shrinks.

"I'm OK, Faith. It's no big deal. Just give me a minute, OK? Why don't you go back to bed?"

I'm about to protest when I realize that I might as well let him have a minute to compose himself. It's not like he's going to try to escape through the window. I give him a faint smile and close the door, but I don't go back to bed. I'm too worried to even think of going back to sleep right now. I sit down on the couch instead. Bosco joins me a couple of minutes later. He's very pale but at least there's no pain in his eyes.

I move closer and run my hand along the side of his face. "I'm sorry."

He frowns. "Sorry for what, Faith?"

"For making you worry so much, you get sick."

"Faith," His voice is soft and gentle. "I'm not sick. Everything is fine."

I feel myself tense. I hate when he lies. "You're not fine, Bosco! You hardly eat. You're pale and tired and you just got sick. You're not fine at all. You're sick again and I think you should go to the doctor before you end up in the hospital, because I can't deal with that right now, Bos. I need you here with me."

The mere though of him ending up at the hospital again brings tears to my eyes and I curse my inability to hold it together.

He looks me deeply in the eyes and his thumbs trace my cheekbones, sweeping away the tears that have escaped. "I know that, Faith, and I'm not going anywhere. Everything is under control. I promise."

"Can't you just see a doctor and get some medicine or something? Please, Bos – for me."

He smiles and puts his hand in his pant pocket, taking out a prescription bottle, holding it up in front of me. "See, it's already taken care of. There's nothing to worry about. I swear, Faith. It's totally under control."

I look doubtfully at him.

"Honestly, Faith. You know I'd do anything to make sure you're safe, right?"

I nod because I do. I trust him completely when it comes to that and – except for the Cruz mess – he has never let me down when it comes to that.

"Right now, the only way to make sure you are – is to stay with you and I can't do that if I'm sick. So I'm gonna make sure I don't get sick, OK?"

My desire to believe him is overwhelming and yet I still find it hard to do so. I know him. I know how he doesn't usually give a damn about his own health, but I need him so badly that I decide to believe him anyway.

"Swear?"

He nods gravely. "I swear."

"Good." I smile and let my head rest against his shoulder. It feels so good to be near him – so natural. I can't believe we have only been together for a day. It feels like forever.

The good feeling doesn't last for long, though, because Bosco carefully pushes me away and turns to face me.

"Faith, we need to talk."

My eyes feel hot as they always do when I'm on the verge of crying. I knew that this was too good to be true. I knew he didn't really love me. He just wanted me to make it out from the hospital. I close my eyes and try to harden myself for the pain the inevitable rejection will bring.

"Faith, look at me."

"Damn it, Bos! Can't you just let me suffer in peace?" I think, but I obey his wishes and open my eyes.

I can see him hesitate and I know he's debating with himself if I'm strong enough for this or not, or maybe he's trying to come up with a nice way of telling me.

"Faith, after you got shot last year, you went to see a shrink, right?"

I just stare at him because this wasn't even close to what I thought he was going to say, but the topic explains his hesitation. He hates to talk about the time when I was shot and recovering.

"So, did you?" he coaxes gently.

I nod.

"Did you like her?"

I shrug. "Does anyone like their shrink?"

He grins. "I guess not." Then he quickly turns dead serious again. "But could you talk to her? Did she make you feel comfortable?"

I chew on my lower lip while I'm thinking about it. "No, not really. I don't think she really got any of this cop partner stuff, you know?"

He looks disappointed but nods knowingly.

"Why do you ask? Why does that matter now?"

He runs his hand over his hair and sighs. "I'm asking because we need to find you a shrink."

I shake my head forcefully. "No, Bos. We don't. I don't need one. Not anymore – not when I have you."

"Yes, you do. It was one of the conditions the shrink at the hospital made. You could only go home if you had someone with you and if you went to see a shrink as soon as possible."

I look pleadingly at him. "He doesn't have to know, Bos."

He sighs again. "Faith, don't do this…."

I move closer and put my hand on his cheek. "Please, Bos."

He takes my hand away and shakes his head. "No, Faith, this isn't about him knowing or not. This is about you, and you need to see a shrink."

I swallow hard to keep myself from crying but the tears start running down my cheeks anyway. "No, Bos, I…I don't."

"Yes, you do! Look at you. You can't go five minutes without crying!"

He's yelling at me. He's yelling at me and his voice is angry. He's angry and impatient and I know he's sick of my behaviour. I should have seen this coming. I mean, who am I trying to fool? This is Bosco. He hates whiny people – especially women. I should have known it was just a matter of time before he got tired of playing the knight in shining amour. I know it's just a matter of seconds before he walks out of the door and I will be alone again – completely alone. The thought makes me breakdown completely and I put my head in my hands, sobbing hysterically.

"Faith…." His arms close around me and he starts rocking me back and forth. "Faith, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. I swear. But you scare me – a lot. You're not yourself, Faith. You used to be so strong, independent and self-assured. Now all you do is cry and it's scary. I'm not used to seeing you this fragile. I'm used to turning to you to find the strength I need – the strength I don't have myself. I need the old Faith back. Please, Faith, let me get you some help."

"Yo…o…u a…re hel…p…ing me alr…re…ady. You're all I ne…ed."

"No, Faith. You need to see some professional, too. I can't help you through this on my own."

I pull away from him and angrily dry at my tears. "If you really loved me you wouldn't make me do something I don't want to do. If you really loved me you'd help me."

It's a low blow. I know that. I'm pushing my luck. I know that, too, but I can't help it. I hate shrinks just as much as he does, and he of all people should understand why I'm putting up a fight. He of all people should let me off the hook. I expect to see anger in his eyes but all I see is a flash of hurt.

It's soon replaced with deep concern; the truth is that I have never seen him look this concerned ever before. He reaches out his hand and tangles his fingers in my hair. "I'm doing this because I love you, Faith."

I snort. "Nice try, Bosco."

Again, I expect him to be angry but he just looks calmly at me. "Remember when you went behind my back and told Swersky that I needed to see a shrink?"

I close my eyes. I really hate that memory and it's kind of shitty of him to bring it up now, but I guess I was the one who started it.

"That was different. I just--"

He holds up his hand. "Let me finish. I felt betrayed, Faith – very betrayed. I thought that you should have seen that you were helping me by just hanging around. I truly thought that was enough and that I didn't need any other help, but we both know that I was wrong and I know now why you did it. You did because you love me and because you were smart enough to realize that right then, that wasn't enough. You were smart enough to see that it was more than you could handle on your own. And you know what, Faith? All I know about how to handle people who are in some kind of crises, I have learned from you, and, right now, I'm trying to prove how much I love you by being smart enough to realize I can't handle this on my own. I don't want to give you a hard time, Faith. All I want is for you to get better."

His frantic tries to make me see what's best for me is very touching and I feel bad for giving him such a hard time, but I can't do this. I just can't. I'm barely holding it together as it is and if some shrink starts to make me face things I can't handle; I'm going to go insane for sure.

I look down at my hands resting in my lap, and start picking at my cuticles. "I can't do it, Bos. I just can't. I'm sorry."

He lifts my chin to make me look at him and says gently, "You love me and you don't want anything to happen to me, right?"

I nod eagerly. What kind of question is that? He ought to know that by now.

He smiles warmly. "Then do it for me. Save me from getting hurt by seeing a shrink."

I feel very confused. How would the fact that I'm seeing a shrink keep him from getting hurt?

"I'm not following, Bos."

"You're afraid I'll get sick again – that the ulcer will get worse and start bleeding, right?"

I nod and squint my eyes hard in an attempt to keep the tears at bay. I don't even want to think about it. The fear for losing him is choking.

"Then help me prevent that from happening by seeing a shrink. I'm never going to be able to handle this much worry in the long run, Faith. I can't go to work every day worrying about you doing something stupid because I'm not here. I can't handle that kind of fear day after day. Please, Faith, do this for me, please!"

I know he has me. He is playing his cards very well. There's no way I'll be able to disobey his wishes. I love him and need him way too much to take the chance. The scariest part, though, is that I'm not sure that me seeing a shrink is going to keep him from breaking down. He's much more fragile than he realizes and one thing is for sure; right now, I can't handle another breakdown from him. I have no strength to offer him – none whatsoever. But, suddenly I realize that there is a way out of this. There is a way to save both of us.

I look gravely at him. "OK, on one condition."

"You name it and it's yours."

"You will see one as well."

He looks disgusted. "Why the hell would I want to do that? I don't need a shrink."

"You don't?"

"Hell no!"

"Well, I think you do," I answer calmly and I know he can see the challenge in my eyes.

"Why's that?"

"Because you're standing awfully close to the edge, Bos. Just a little push and you will fall down."

"You're wrong, Faith."

"Am I? Bos – no offense – but the last four moths you have had numerous panic attacks. It's constantly touch-and-go with that damn ulcer and it doesn't take much to set you off. And what about the nightmares, huh? How much longer do you think you can go on without breaking down, Bos? How much longer?"

My voice cracks and I swallow hard because I can't break down now. I need to make him see what I see before I lose it. "Just one more minute, Faith, just one more minute," I tell myself.

He looks lovingly at me. "I'm not going to break, Faith. I made it this far, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did. Because I was there to help you through! But I can't do that anymore. Can't you see that? I can hardly make it through the day myself! And you can't break, Bosco, because I'll die if you do. I need you too much!" I shout desperately and start crying hysterically.

He pulls me back into his arms and holds me tightly without saying a word. He just holds me until my tears subside and I stop sobbing. He waits patiently until I'm almost completely calm before he pulls away and softly dries my teary face with his shirt sleeve.

"I'll call O'Malley first thing in the morning, OK?"

I sniff a bit. "OK."

He smiles and caresses my cheek. "But we still have to find someone for you."

"Maybe you can ask O'Malley. He might know someone."

He nods. "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea and if he doesn't know anyone, the guy at the hospital and Proctor gave me some suggestions."

"Proctor gave you suggestions?"

He runs his hand over my hair. "I'm not the only one who wants the old Faith back."

"This is gonna to be OK, right?" I search his eyes for confirmation.

He nods reassuringly. "It's gonna just fine, Faith. I promise."

I touch the side of his face affectionately. "I'll hold you to that, Maurice Boscorelli."

He just smiles fondly and puts his arms around me. I let my head rest on his shoulder. We sit in comfortable silence for a while and then he says, "You should go back to sleep. The doctor gave me some sleeping pills for you. You should take one and go back to bed."

"Only if you come with me."

He gives me the sweetest smile. "I will join you soon. I'll just check on Emily and go home and have a shower and change clothes. I have been in this uniform for two days now."

I feel lonely and abandoned in the same moment he utters the words "go home."

"You can shower here," I say and feel ashamed for how small and pathetic my voice sounds.

He feels my distress and hugs me tightly. "Don't worry, Faith. I'll be back before you even notice I'm gone, and of course I can shower here if that makes you feel better."

"Thank-you, Bos."

He kisses me tenderly. "Anything for you, Faith. I love you, remember? And I promised to see a shrink for you. Believe me, showering at your place is no big deal."

I can't help but chuckle.

He grins widely in return. "Why don't you go and lie down in the bed? I'll bring you the pill."

"OK."

I walk into the bedroom and strip out of my clothes, replacing them with a t-shirt and slip under the covers.

In the same moment Bos enters the room and hands me a pill.

I hesitate. I don't usually take any pills and I'm not sure I want to start now.

Bosco tucks my hair behind my ears. He's hands are so gentle and it's hard to believe it's the same man who beats people senseless. "Please, Faith, just take it. You really need to sleep through the night for once. Don't make me take you back to the hospital."

"OK." I take it and down it with the water he gives me, then I lie down again.

Bosco sits down at the edge of the bed and kisses my forehead. "Go, to sleep, Faith. I'll be right back."

I nod and close my eyes. "OK"

I must have dozed of because I wake up when he lays down behind me. "Bos?

He puts his arms around my waist and kisses my neck. "Shh, Faith. Go back to sleep."

I obediently close my eyes and feel sleep overtake me almost immediately. I feel warm and safe – almost happy – and for the first time in months I have faith that things might work out for the best – in spite of everything. Because I know that nothing can harm me as long as Bosco is around and from the way it looks; he's planning to stick around for good this time.