Intro: o.o This chapter is... well... crap. Well... I think it isn't all that great anyway. But I couldn't think of anything else for poor Renji, so I thought I might put it up for now. I'll kill it later if I think of something better...
Random words to reviewers:
Hitsu-Yeah.. that last chapter was a bit OOC, but I guess you could say that you don't know enough about the 1st Division to really keep them in character without making it boring. Had to come up with some different, strange additions to the character otherwise the chapter would have been "Yamamoto didn't like the show because it broke some privacy rules. The show was shut down by his order."
seal-chan- hairclips? hehe... that sounds interesting. And yeah.. since this chapter was all about Renji, might as well have one all about Byakuya... and his hair...
the rest- thanks for reviewing! Nothing really specific to say to you guys.. heheh
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach of course. And special thanks to Kaeru Soyokaze for letting me use stuff from her Therapy for Shingami fic, including Soujuku. ((Sorry Kaeru... ;; I always get people's genders wrong... ))
"It's time for yet another wonderful episode of 'Behind the Scenes'! I'm your handsome host, Kaisensaku Chouritsu!" A cough or two could be heard from the audience as he made this statement. "Anyone who disagrees with me may well find themselves the next to appear on the program! I'm sure we'd all love that, and there is no one in the whole of Soul Society without little secrets to ferret out, and you can be sure I'll be the one to do it!" He exclaimed threateningly, as if daring the offender from before to even make another sound.
"Now, we have for today's program, a very special guest, who I'm sure you all know, and I have also have a special semi-guest to help me introduce him!" Amidst the applause, a short figure could be seen making her way up onto the stage, therapist to Soul Society, Soujuku Chiyuu. Kaisensaku raised his hand for silence, then handed the Shinigami a microphone he pulled out from some random sound guy's grasp. A jaunty melody filled the hall, as the orchestra began to play. Nodding to Chiyuu, the two of them launched into their song when the time was right.
"Oh, gather ye round and we'll tell you a tale
Of an infamous tattooed, tall spiky-haired male
Who brags quite a lot, but is actually shy,
Yes, we speak of the one we call Abarai!
Abarai Renji of his captain is bored
And spends his days gossiping with his sharp sword.
He denies that he sleep-talks, but yet this is true;
I have the sworn word of Zabimaru!
Abarai Renji sleeps with a bunny
Which Rukia's fond of; it's incredibly funny
How Renji can tease her and laugh at her joy
When he actually sleeps with the very same toy!
Abarai Renji sleeps with no clothes
And slyly, in secret, he picks his own nose
And wears a pink apron whenever he cooks
And is very self-conscious of how good he looks.
He stole Shunsui's robe and dear Nanao's glasses
And Byakuya's curlers, and called us all asses
While he pranced around singing how he was hot
To get HER attention; and yet, he did not!
Yes, Abarai Renji's a strong, brilliant fighter
Yet I think that his ponytail's been getting tighter
And cutting off circulation into his brain
Simply stated, Abarai Renji's insane!"
The pair of them held the final note, letting it rise as they finished their marvellous duet. The crowd's response was one of both laughter and applause. As the two of them finished bowing, Kaisensaku ushered the therapist off the stage and took his place in the centre. "As many of you may have guessed by now, our wonderful guest tonight is none other Abarai Renji! Vice-captain of the 6th Division!" Thunderous applause greeted the red haired vice-captain, who walked in, glaring at the excited host. He seemed oblivious to the look of death however. "Welcome Abarai-san! No doubt you heard the wonderful Soujuku-san and myself perform that theme song of yours. What did you think?"
Renji was pissed, pissed beyond comprehension. It had been a while since that accursed therapist had come up with the horrible excuse for a song, and people had stopped singing it whenever he approached. Now this idiot of a show host had to bring it back up? And with a complete orchestra backing as well. "It was crap. That song is crap. I hate it."
There was a hushed silence as every head turned to Soujuku, who was actually standing up, but it didn't make much a difference anyway. "That's a bit harsh Abarai-san, especially when the composer is in attendance tonight. You never know, she might suddenly find that you need more therapy…"
Renji sat down in the comfy armchair provided. But he had no time to brood over the incredible squishiness of the furniture. Although he had never seen the show before, he had heard of it from his captain. "Look out Renji, they are going to make you look like a fool. At least that's what they did to the captain and vice-captain of the 1st Division." So far it hadn't been too bad, just the song, which Renji knew he could defend himself against. "None of that song's true anyway."
Kaisensaku shook his head disappointingly. "You shouldn't lie Abarai-san. Soujuku-san never makes things up, and luckily, we have some wonderful shots to prove every single line of the song, helped by various Shinigami." Renji stared in disbelief as the TV screen turned on, and showed the crowd a picture of him sleeping, hugging a large bunny soft toy, and with a finger jammed up his nose. Oh, and he was naked, but luckily the picture had been taken while a blanket covered the lower half of his body. Renji stared in disbelief. How the hell did they get that picture? He didn't have to wait too long to find out. "Now, that picture was the contribution of the esteemed Kuchiki-taichou, who took the picture a while ago, and when we were looking for help with out with the program, he was happy to assist." And so it went on, showing variety of pictures, some of which Renji weren't even sure were real. Finally, there was a rather interesting picture. It was a rather crudely drawn picture of Abarai Renji. His red hair had been coloured in with a rather pinkish colour, and his hair was tied up around his face, so that his head resembled an egg-timer shape. It was also done in… "And this fine artwork, the 'Abarai brain-without-circulation', is a fantastic crayon on paper work done by Yusajika Yachiru!" So that's why it looks so stupid…thought Renji to himself. Hopefully this is the end. It wasn't too bad after all.
"That part was quite boring actually, wasn't it? Ah well, we have more, which… reveals quite a bit about Abarai-san." The incredible amount of emphasis Kaisensaku put on 'reveals' disturbed Renji a bit. Is he going to show me naked or something? "Now, Abarai-san is the love of quite a few women here in Soul Society. However, we all know that the only people who have a place in his heart, when it's not full of blood trying to reach his brain, are Kuchiki Rukia and Hinamori Momo. A large part of Abarai-san's 'hot' image comes from the impressive tattoos he's had done all over his body. However…"
As Renji stepped into the shower, he started to scrub viciously, singing as he went. Outside, Byakuya looked in distaste at the bathroom door. I thought he hated that Ballad the diminutive therapist wrote. Yet he sings it every night in the shower…When Renji stepped out, he had a towel around his waist, and jumped at the sight of his captain. "Kuchiki-taichou!"
"Relax, I've seen you enough times when you sleep to know all those tattoos are fake. Why you bother to paint them back on every morning, it's ridiculous." Byakuya's voice was still, unemotional, much like the small note he was writing.
"Well, the tattoos look good captain." He unwrapped the towel to reveal a pair of bright pink boxer shorts, and rubbed himself again with the towel.
"You are making that towel filthy."
"Eh… can't get any worse. It used to be white, now it's like, grey, almost black."
"You should just get real tattoos, and be a real man."
"Hey, hey! Let's not go there. Tattoos hurt! You know what they do?"
"Would I care?"
"They get a needle and stick it into you multiple times, and I gotta get them done all over my body! What about when they get to my ass?"
"Do we really have to talk about this topic?"
"Well… you asked me and-" Renji was cut short as Byakuya glared at him. "-I mean… sure, we'll drop the subject"
In the morning, a member of the 6th Division came to the door. "Taichou! Fukutaichou! There's a message for you!" She sighed. Kuchiki-taichou and Abarai-fukutaichou always take so long in the bathroom in the morning! What is wrong with those two men? Kuchiki-taichou probably takes an hour or two to curl his hair properly, but what about Abarai-fukutaichou? How friggin long can it take to tie your hair up in an untidy bunch? Geez…
Inside the adjacent bathrooms, both the men were attending to their hair. Byakuya fingered his curlers once more, before making sure they were in perfect position, even a millimetre off would distort his perfect image terribly. Renji was tying his hair up, it took about 10 seconds. Then he looked over his tattoos again. They looked alright, but one or two were running a bit. Dabbing it carefully with his blackened towel, he added a few finishing touches on with a small brush. Finally sure that they were perfect, he stepped out, at the exact same time that his captain did.
There was complete silence. Everyone seemed to be in shock. No one spoke for a minute or two, then Kaisensaku broke the silence. "Wow… even I never got to see that footage before. I was just reading the prompts…" Renji was stunned. How did they find out? Did Taichou tell them? If he did… It suddenly dawned on the embarrassed vice-captain that he wouldn't be able to harm his captain in any way, shape or form if he wanted to anyway. "Well… after that startling revelation, I'm afraid we'll have to leave it there… This is Kaisensaku Chouritsu, and we'll see you next time!"
Stuff: Yes... well... I dunno. You might have liked it more than I did, but it didn't seem all that wonderful. Review anyway to tell me I suck though, I need to know this important stuff!