Mara sat quietly beside Luke's bed in the medcenter, holding his real hand. His real hand. It made her stomach clench to think that they now had to make a distinction between his hands in that way. A real one and an artificial one. She lowered her head and caught her lower lip between her teeth as she mentally cursed Vader with every ounce of her strength.
She raised her gaze to Luke's sleeping face once more. The surgery to replace his missing hand with a prosthetic had taken several hours and he had not yet awakened from the anesthesia. Even in drug-induced unconsciousness, his face was drawn and tight with stress. She wondered again what Vader could have done to Luke's mind that was so much worse than what he'd done to his body.
She had seen Luke injured before--Hoth immediately came to mind, as well as other, more minor incidents--yet she had never seen him react this way. This total loss of balance, the sense that he had lost something far more important than his hand…it ate at her inside.
"Still not awake yet?" Han whispered from the doorway.
She motioned him in with her free hand as she shook her head. "No, not yet."
Han shuffled forward and stood in front of her, looking down at Luke with a frown on his face. Mara watched as he absentmindedly rubbed his left temple with two fingers. She narrowed her eyes as she considered the smuggler and she could see the weariness in his demeanor. Of course, they were all tired, the ordeal they'd been through having taken its toll, but Han was the kind of man who usually bounced back quickly from things.
"Han, have you been checked out yourself yet?" she asked, already knowing what the answer would be.
"Now, don't start with me, Red. I'm fine. It'll take more than a little carbonite to slow me down, you should know that."
"You have no idea what effect those gasses might have had on your system, Han. You need to have one of the medtechs or a Two-OneBee look at you."
"Aw, Mara, you know I don't like people poking at me. They'll annoy me, I'll have to blast them, and it'll all be a big mess," he said and gave her his most charming grin, the one that usually worked. It didn't have any effect on her this time. If anything, her look grew even more stern.
"You will go and get yourself checked out, Solo," she said firmly.
He started to protest and she braced herself for an argument with him. Corellians had to be the most stubborn males in the galaxy. She had often wondered if Luke wasn't secretly Corellian, as well. All three of her dearest friends could drive a saint to murder with their obstinate ways sometimes and Mara certainly wasn't a saint.
A trace of her own stubbornness must have gotten through to Han, though, or else he simply didn't want to upset her any further, because he grudgingly nodded his head and grunted something that might have been an okay. She took a deep breath and nodded back at him, grateful that she wouldn't have to expend energy she didn't have at the moment. Another thought occurred to her and she turned to him with a shrewd gaze.
"What's going on with you and the ice princess?"
"The what?"
"You know what I'm talking about, Han. Miss Arica Alie. The ice princess," Mara said in a derogatory tone.
"Is that what they're calling her? I hadn't heard that one. Princess. I like the sound of that," Han mused with a mischievous gleam in his eye.
Mara gave him an exasperated look. "Did you not hear the 'ice' part?"
"Oh, I heard, but I don't agree. Something tells me she could be very warm, in fact. All she needs is the right man to thaw her out," he said and playfully leered at her.
Mara gave him a half-serious glare. He was well aware of how she felt about men speaking of women in such a manner, but he and Wedge both did it sometimes just to get a rise out of her. That wasn't her primary concern at the moment, however.
"I don't trust her. There's something odd about her."
"Hey, if you ask me, there's something odd about all of us. Anyone who decides to join this crazy rebellion has to have something wrong with them. Kidding!" Han laughed and threw his hands up in a mock-defensive gesture as her glare intensified. He definitely knew all her buttons and delighted in pushing them just to see her lose that redhead's temper.
"I'm serious, Han. I just get a weird feeling when I look at her. It's almost like…like she's hiding something."
"Hell, Mara, half the people in this rebellion are hiding something or running from something. I've noticed she's awfully interested in the kid, here. You wouldn't happen to be jealous, would you?"
Mara blushed to the roots of her hair. "NO!" she shouted, and then glanced worriedly at Luke. "No, I'm not jealous," she hissed. "And Luke and I…well, we…I mean…oh, never mind!"
She turned away from him and crossed her arms over her chest with a little huff of disgust. Han laughed softly before reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder.
"Hey, anyone can see there's something between you and Luke, Red. So what if you two haven't quite gotten it figured out yet? You will. And as for the ice princess, why don't you let me worry about her."
Mara spared him a tiny glance. "What do you mean, 'let you worry about her'?" she asked, deciding to ignore the first half of his statement for the time being.
"I mean, I've had a weird feeling about her myself. I might do a little poking around, see what I can find out about her."
"That would make me feel better."
"And if I get to poke her in the process, so much the better," Han said, with his leer firmly in place again.
"Han!" Mara protested. She tried to give him a severe look, but then he started waggling his eyebrows up and down in a comical manner. In only a moment, both of them were laughing helplessly while trying to be quiet so as not to disturb Luke.
When Luke opened his eyes, he realized at once that he was in the medcenter and he grimaced as he decided that it was too soon since the last time he had awakened under these circumstances. For just a moment, he didn't remember why he was here, and then in a crushing wave, it all came back to him. He closed his eyes again with a sob and wished that he could unlearn this.
Master Yoda's lessons had been harsh, but this awful truth was simply devastating. And it was the truth. He knew that now, even if it was still difficult to accept. He's my father. Darth Vader is my father. It hurt to even think the words to himself. How was he ever going to be able to face his friends in the Alliance with the weight of this knowledge pushing him down, burying him? How would he ever be able to look Mara in the eye again, knowing what his father had done to her on board the Death Star?
His father had killed millions of innocents; he'd slaughtered countless Jedi Knights; he had struck down Obi-Wan Kenobi in cold blood. Luke struggled to contain the anger that surged through him, yet not all of it was directed at the Sith Lord. He wanted to scream at Ben and Yoda, wanted to demand answers to all the questions raging in his head.
Why did you lie to me, Ben? Why?! Had they thought him incapable of handling the truth? Or perhaps they didn't know the truth themselves? A sharp, bitter sound that might have been a laugh in a different reality passed his lips. No, they knew. How could someone as wise and strong in the ways of the Force as Master Yoda not know?
Luke felt lost, as though his secure place in the universe had suddenly been snatched away from him and he was floundering, trying to find his footing. He brought both hands up to cover his face as an agonized groan was pulled from his throat.
The moment his hands touched his skin, he jerked them away and stared at the right one in horror. Had it all been a dream, then? Vader had sliced off his hand. He remembered that moment with a painful clarity. He knew that had happened…hadn't it? He felt tears welling up in his eyes as confusion washed over him.
"Oh, stang it! I should have known you'd wake up in the five minutes I was gone," an irritated voice said from the doorway.
Mara sat down in a chair he hadn't noticed beside his bed. She smiled at him gently and took his hands in hers. He wanted to cry with relief at seeing her and knowing that she was safe. At the same time, he wanted to run from her and hide, hoping that she would never discover this great secret he now carried within him.
"My hand…how…what happened?" he asked, half-afraid and half-hopeful that he had been dreaming and she would have no idea what he was talking about.
A tiny frown crossed her beautiful face and he immediately knew that it had been no dream. She stroked his right hand with her own and spoke softly, as though she was afraid of upsetting him.
"The Two-OneBee replaced it with a prosthetic one. It functions just like your other one. You can feel heat and cold, pain and pleasure, and it has complete mobility."
Luke looked down to where her hand was touching it…his…the prosthetic. He could feel her fingers gently caressing his, although the hand felt different, a little tingly, like it had fallen asleep. He wasn't sure how he felt about having an artificial hand. Ben had told him that Vader was more machine than man. Like father, like son, he thought bitterly.
He remembered the test at the tree on Dagobah and seeing his own face in Darth Vader's mask. Was that the Force trying to tell him who he really was? Or was it trying to tell him what he was doomed to become? Was this how it had been for Anakin Skywalker, losing pieces of his body and pieces of his soul at the same time?
The relentless questions made his head hurt and he closed his eyes as he released a shuddering sigh. He felt Mara's hand on his cheek and opened his eyes to meet her worried gaze.
"Are you hurting right now? Do you need more pain meds?"
"Pain meds won't help this hurt."
"Oh, Luke," Mara said and he could hear the sympathy in her tone. He wished that he hadn't heard it. He didn't deserve her sympathy. If she ever found out who he really was, she would despise him. And that would be the worst pain he could ever endure.
"What did he do to you? Besides your hand, I mean. He's done something to you…inside, hasn't he? Up here?" She touched his temple with her finger briefly before moving it back to his cheek.
He wanted to tell her. He longed to take this burden and lift it from his shoulders, letting her share it as she'd done so many times in the past. As he had done for her just as often. But it was impossible - this secret could not see the light of day.
"I can never tell you," he said, his voice a harsh whisper. He dropped his eyes, unable to bear the slightly wounded look in hers. He had never kept anything from her before and it pained him to do so now, but her distress was far better than the hate she would feel if she knew the truth.
"It's all right if you don't want to talk about it now. Whenever you're ready, I'm here to listen," she reassured him.
A sudden anger surged through him at the way she brushed aside his words. Stars, but he was tired of everyone still treating him like that naïve farmboy of three years ago! He was training to be a Jedi Knight. Did no one understand the monumental task and responsibility he'd taken upon himself? He glared at her and roughly pushed her hand away from his head.
"I said 'never', Mara!" he said, his words ground out through clenched teeth. "Do you not understand Basic!?"
She looked at him in utter shock. Luke was stunned himself. He had no idea where that little burst of rage had come from. In all the years Luke had known Mara, he had never spoken to her in that tone. Certainly, they had argued, but the discussions had always been good-natured and usually full of laughter by the end.
He breathed in sharply as he vividly recalled the vision he'd had while underneath Cloud City. The images assaulted his mind: his father speaking harshly and angrily to the woman Luke knew, in his heart, to be his mother. Was this how the fall to the Dark Side had begun for Anakin? This unreasoning anger at those he loved?
No! He would not follow the path that Anakin Skywalker had! He was stronger than this and he would not allow it to happen. He needed Mara. His strength partially flowed simply from knowing her and loving her. He didn't think he could bear it if that source of strength were lost to him. Maybe thatwas what had caused his father to fall.
"Mara, I didn't mean that. I'm just…everything is so overwhelming right now and I'm trying to find my balance and it's just so hard!" The words tumbled out of his mouth in a rush and he could feel tears welling up in his eyes again. Force, I cry at the drop of a spanner these days!
"That's okay, I guess I was being a little pushy," she said faintly.
There was still a tinge of hurt feelings in her face and Luke couldn't bear to see it there. He sighed as he pondered a way to explain things to her without telling her the whole truth.
"You weren't. It's really me and all that's happened in the last few days. Maybe someday I can tell you everything, but right now…well, it's just too raw and it hurts too much," he said earnestly, silently willing her to understand.
Her gaze softened and she smiled at him again. "I'll be here if you need me, Luke," she promised.
He was overcome with the urge to kiss her at that moment. It had been a very long time since that too-brief kiss in the hangar on Hoth. Leaning forward slightly, Luke was elated when she did the same. He could feel her warm breath on his face when there was a shout from the open doorway.
"Kid! I really can't leave you alone for a second, can I? First the Death Star trench, then Hoth, and now this!" Han grinned as he sauntered into the room. He ignored the glare that both young people were giving him and Luke could tell by the gleam in the smuggler's eye that he knew full well what he had interrupted.
"Were they trying to play kissy-face again?" Wedge joked as he came in two seconds behind his fellow Corellian. Luke stifled a groan as Chewbacca entered as well, his whuffling laugh filling the small room. He loved his friends, he really did, but they needed to work on their sense of timing. He glanced at Mara and saw the blush on her cheeks and decided a little payback was in order here.
"You know," Luke said in a careful imitation of Han's sarcastic drawl, "you guys are never going to settle that bet about me and Mara if you keep interrupting us."
He leaned back with his hands behind his head and a satisfied smirk on his face as Han and Wedge gaped at him. Mara whipped her head around to pin the two with her stare.
"Bet? What bet?"
Luke couldn't help but smile as Han and Wedge both started trying to stammer explanations at the same time under Mara's wrathful gaze. He knew there were many difficult times ahead, but Force, it felt good for things to be back to normal, even if only for a little while.