A/N: OK, I'm updating. Sorry it's been such a long time, but I was busy trying to think up a plot twist. I seriously had a dream about this phic. I could never figure out who I was, although I think I might've been Raoul at one point. :runs off screaming: Woot! Thirty-two reviews! Thanks guys. Cookies and Erik shaped chocolate for you all. (Jack shaped for you, BVP.) And, also, you've got warrior-woman Christine in this. (For all Tamora Pierce junkies out there, imagine Alanna with brown curly hair and green eyes)
Lady Assassin Moonbeam-considering my mind went wack quite a while ago, it makes sense that my phic would too. :grins in an insane fashion:
BONANZA!-Just between you and me, I only stopped there 'cause I didn't even know what Erik it was gonna be. I'm not even sure now, but I've got a better idea.
Phantomchild199-Your sister freaks me out. I can send a nice man in a white coat to visit her, though. A lot of them have been coming to my house lately. I can't figure out why.
Beverly Vulcan Princess-No hapless ramblings? Are you going sane? And no military acronyms? Oh, I get it. Jack's looking over your shoulder. Jack, review. And you've both got the BLISS song stuck in my head! GAH!
Maidenhair-Weird was the intent. I'm glad I succeeded.
O.o
"Erik, why are you doing this? We've been through this already. I'm not going to serve you or sing! You're married to my sister! Quit singing me erotic songs!" Christine protested, sitting on the organ bench, having successfully killed the rat that previously resided there.
The masked man merely glared at her. (A/N: I'm just calling him 'the masked man' so there's no clue to his identity.)
O.o
Kathleen was dragged at full sprint through the passages. And sprinting is not something that is easy to do in pointe shoes. She could break an ankle if she wasn't careful. (A/N: I know. I've tried.) Demetria was forced to take the long way, as some Erik and Christine were on the short way.
Sometime later they arrived at the mirror and retraced the steps of the two. By this time, both were wishing they were wearing pants and about to faint from their corsets.
O.o
The masked man came over to the organ and stood over Christine, clearly about to say something. Christine beat him to it, though. Standing up on the bench so she would have the height advantage, she near-yelled, "Look, Erik, I don't care what you're going to say. Return me to my dressing room this instant!"
The masked man stood up on the bench with her, holding her arms so she couldn't slap him, as was clearly her intent. So instead she kicked him hard in the shin and down he went, falling unconscious on the floor.
Christine surveyed him with an amused expression, then sat down primly and waited for the cavalry to arrive. I know Demetria well enough by now to know that she is not going to be not a happy camper, she thought. (A/N: Still trying to be original here. Haha. Erik fainted this time instead of Christine. Haha.)
O.o
"So, Demetria, even if it is your Erik with Christine, can I help?" Kathleen asked, grinning menacingly. She had stowed her Punjab somewhere in favor of a longsword with a dragon on it, aka a dragon longsword. (A/N: Hehe, BVP) At this statement, she waved it in the air vaguely.
"Fine, as long as you let me help if it's yours."
"Deal."
"Look, Erik, I don't care what you're going to say. Return me to my dressing room this instant!" came Christine's yell.
"Your Christine is quite feisty," Kathleen commented.
"Yep," said Demetria. "She would've been a better Phantom than my Erik in some ways."
"It sound's like they're in the lair," Kathleen said.
"Well, then let's go!" said Demetria.
O.o
Kathleen and Demetria came stampeding into the lair, by way of the third cellar instead of the lake, as Kathleen didn't want to risk being transported somewhere before she utterly destroyed Someone like an enraged dragon.
The sight they saw was one that was quite intriguing. It seemed a role reversal had occurred. Christine was sitting at the organ scribbling on something, while the masked man was unconscious on the swan bed.
"Hi, Christine," Demetria said.
Christine turned around surprised. When she recognized her sister, she smiled. "Hey, Demetria. I'm sorry I had to knock your husband out."
"We're not even sure it's her husband," Kathleen said darkly. The masked man chose that moment to wake up, staring wide-eyed at either Kathleen or Demetria or both. Kathleen swished her sword menacingly. "So, monsieur, are you my Erik or her Erik?" she asked, gesturing to Demetria.
He refused to speak.
Demetria threw her lasso around his neck expertly. "Raise up your hand to the level of your eyes," she mocked him.
His eyes bulged as he fought for air.
"Aw, c'mon, Demetria, at least let him tell us who he belongs too before you kill him," said Kathleen.
Grudgingly, it seemed, Demetria slackened the rope enough that he could breathe and speak. "Who are you?" she demanded.
"Erik," he said.
"We know that," said Kathleen. "Are you married to Demetria or not?"
He rolled his eyes, causing Demetria to tighten the lasso slightly.
Kathleen made more threatening swishy movements with her sword. "I got this specially made in Arda," she commented to no one in particular. "Is this parody enough to have an Authoress who can tell us who he is?"
I guess there has to be, at least for now, since there has been so little of the romance lately appeared in the air, an eye-smarting shade of green. The writing wasn't swoofy, but it wasn't messy either, and the 'a's were done strangely. They were an upside down 'v' with an 'o' on top.
"So tell us. Is he her Erik or mine," said Demetria.
Nope, sorry. I can't tell you. Figure it out yourself appeared.
Kathleen steamed. "You just don't know yourself."
Look up.
Kathleen looked. There was an anvil hanging above her head.
A…regrettable…effect befalls those who offend the Authoress.
"Have you actually killed anyone?" Demetria asked doubtfully.
Buquet was asking for it.
"I don't know what planet you're from, but I killed Buquet," Demetria said.
Sorry. You're just deluded.
"Well, duh!" said Kathleen. "She's a by-product of your imagination, you nutcase."
Thank you.
"Can you tell them anything useful?" Christine asked. "I want her to get her vengeance so I can look at her really cool sword."
Ok. Fine. That sword was custom-quested in Arda, you know.
"Yes, we know," the three said together.
I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to another Authoress. Here's a useful fact. Erik's escaped.
It was true.
"GAH!" yelled Kathleen. "How could you write this?"
Now I can tell you. He was your Erik, Kathy.
Kathleen retained her composure enough to say, "Don't ever call me Kathy."
Whatever. Just know that there's still an anvil over your head.
"Go jump in a lake."
Actually, you should. That's where he went. Assuming you still want your vengeance, that is.
"'Bye, Kathleen," Demetria said.
"I hope you find your Erik, and he's not cheating on you," Kathleen replied, and jumped in the lake.
O.o
A/N: Sorry. It just wasn't parody enough, and the romance has abandoned the scene for a while. Behold, my home planet, Tamaran. Is it not the most beautiful place your eyes have ever observed?