Chapter Eleven
A week had passed since David's attack, and Michaela hadn't seen him since. Josef had had a talk with his colleagues at the hospital, and they had all agreed that it was best that David be relieved of his duties. Michaela was thankful that she didn't have to worry about seeing him around every corner anymore, but she was still hesitant to walk home, though she felt safer when Sully was with her. He tried to make sure he was there for her every time she came home from the hospital, though there were a few rare occasions where she'd walked home alone, not even stopping to wait on a carriage.
Now, Michaela was busying herself in her room, searching her bookcase for a certain surgical textbook. She didn't know Sully was standing in the doorway yet, and she continued about, her search growing more and more frantic as the seconds passed. She hated not being able to find things!
"Lookin' for this?" came the very voice that caused her stomach to somersaults and her breath to catch. She stood up straight and turned, seeing him flipping through the pages as he leaned against the doorframe. Michaela breathed a sigh of relief.
"Where did you find it?"
"It was in the parlor," he said with a chuckle. "On top of the piano, actually."
"I didn't hear you playing," Michaela teased. Sully stepped into the room, a room he'd pictured himself sleeping in so many nights…sleeping with her in his arms.
"I don't. I just found it when I was passin' through," he said, handing the treasured book to her. "What do ya need it for anyway?"
"I have to assist in a difficult procedure tomorrow, and I want to re-read the text that goes along with it."
"Assist? Don't ya ever do your own surgeries?" Michaela shrugged.
"Occasionally."
"That must really bother ya." Michaela's face flushed. It certainly did bother her! She never got the credit she deserved, and she was only useful in the other doctors' eyes when they were short on staff and needed something done quickly.
"Yes, but I'll take what I can get," Michaela said with a gleam in her eyes. "For now, anyway." Sully laughed a little. "Besides, I like to know where everything is. If something is misplaced, it drives me up the wall until I can find it." Sully nodded. He knew her well enough by now to know that. Just a few nights before, she'd left her medical bag on the foyer table and had suddenly realized it was missing at midnight. She'd woken nearly the entire house up trying to find it, and she had been thankful that Harrison had overlooked it as he was cleaning. Otherwise, she never would have found it!
"I got somethin' today," Sully finally spoke up, pulling a telegram out of his pocket.
"Oh?" Michaela placed the book on her desk and walked toward Sully. He handed it to her.
"Just more details 'bout my stay there. As ya know, I'm leavin' next week." Michaela swallowed the lump that formed in her throat every time they spoke about his trip. It wasn't really a trip, though, because he would be living out there! "Keep readin'." Michaela read through the telegram, and then she found it. June.
"June," she whispered. She looked up at Sully with question in her eyes. "June?"
"I know," he said quietly. "I can come back for a visit then." Michaela shook her head.
"That's three months."
"Yeah, it should be once I get over there," he replied. He hated seeing that look in her eyes. God, she was so sad, and he knew that it was because of him. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. This job might never come around again, but he knew Michaela would be there when he returned. He only hoped that she cared enough about him to wait for him. Maybe it was time. Maybe now was the time to tell her how he truly felt. He had to tell her how she was on his mind during almost every waking moment and how he dreamed of her at night no matter how hard he tried not to. He'd given up on not thinking about her, because it was what his heart wanted. He wanted her with him everyday, and he knew that he'd soon have to rely on his dreams to take him to her.
"Where will you stay?" Michaela asked quietly.
"Well, Welland Smith's gonna start payin' me as soon as he can, so Loren Bray is gonna sell me a piece of land at a good price."
"Sell?" Michaela wondered, looking up into his eyes. "That sounds very permanent." Sully smiled a little.
"Well I ain't plannin' on losin' my job, so I'm gonna need a place to live when I'm out there. Rentin' at a boardin' house could get kinda expensive." Michaela smiled a little, trying to seem happy, but he knew she wasn't. He didn't want to leave when he knew she didn't want him to. He took her hand in his and gently kissed it. "Well, ya know I'm comin' back. I told ya that before." Michaela swallowed hard.
"Why?" she asked quietly. "You never really told me why you were coming back." She knew why. Her heart needed to hear it though. "Why would you want to come back here? You don't like Boston, my mother has been terrible to you, and…" Sully smiled. She knew he loved her. She needed to hear it, yet she feared hearing it at the same time. He stepped closer, and she began to tremble. He took her hands in his.
"Ya want me to say it?" he asked quietly, his azure eyes staring straight into her soul. She thought she was going to fall or that her heart would beat right out of her chest. God yes, she wanted to hear it. Yes, she needed to hear it. Yes, she wanted him to say it so she could tell him she'd wait on him forever. But, as every part of her began to tremble from anticipation, she knew she couldn't hear it yet. She couldn't hear it and believe it and then let him go. These weren't the right circumstances.
She swallowed hard and let the tears well up in her eyes. Her head shook a little.
"Not yet," she managed to whisper. She pushed past him and left the room. He watched after her, shaking his head in confusion. He couldn't help but let a smile escape. She knew. He knew she knew. Now all they needed to do was tell one another. But, how were they supposed to say 'I love you' and then 'goodbye?'
Lydia brushed the snow through the cracks of the bench in the park before she sat down. She had nowhere to be right now. Usually, she was at work, but not anymore. Her goal in life was to be a nurse, and a nurse she was no longer. She hadn't wanted David's money, but she had come to expect it. But, it never came, and her mother was dead now. The sickness took her much faster than she'd ever seen it take anyone. Now her job was gone. Lydia's life was over.
David had taken her down with him, and when Dr. Jefferson had called her into his office, she'd seen David there as well. She knew it was the end of the line, and she had dropped the tray full of clean bandages. She'd known before they'd even spoken a word. David told them about her. She'd gone down with the ship.
Lydia blinked the tears away. She was left with nothing. No mother to care for, no job to pay her rent and no man to love her. She'd never been loved by anyone, and when she was with David, at least she could pretend. But, she hoped she'd never see him again. He was gone, and she'd never have to look upon his face again or see the anger and wickedness in his eye.
Memories of their night together haunted her. She hated herself even more now for letting her lust get in the way of her heart. She had thought he'd be gentle and kind, but she'd quickly been proven otherwise. He'd been selfish and rough, and there had been moments when she had thought she was going to die. But, no longer. She knew where she was going, and someday, she would meet him again in Hell.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, looking up at the sky, praying that God was still listening. Would he turn his back on her after what she'd done? She hoped not. She had been going to the church to pray for forgiveness every night since it'd happened.
She took a vial out of her money purse and traced her fingers over the word MERCURY. It was a lethal dose, which she'd snagged from the medicine room before she'd been fired. She could end it now and never have to think of him or their night of passion. She had bathed every night since then, but she still felt dirtier than before.
She knew that if she ended it now, she would most certainly spend eternity in the same place David would. She couldn't do that. No. She could be better than that. She dropped the small bottle down into the snow and watched as the glass cracked open, spilling silver liquid out into the white fluff. She decided she was going to spend the rest of her life paying for what she'd done. She wasn't going to give up living because of one mistake. She wasn't going to let David bring her down any further. She could forget about him. Their ties had been severed, and there was nothing left to remind her of him except for the memory of that night. But, she could try to put him out of her mind forever. She would start over. Somehow, she would start over.
Before Michaela knew it, the day had arrived for Sully to leave on the train. He was going to Colorado Springs, and he wouldn't be back until June. She had handled the morning very well, and she hadn't cried at all. Though, she'd left breakfast early, fearing Sully would see her cry. But, she didn't cry, and Sully followed her to the parlor and gave her a hug, telling her that everything was going to be okay.
There was no denying that these two were in love. Both of them wanted to say it already, but neither of them wanted to say it under these circumstances. No, it wasn't the time yet. They had what they knew in their hearts, and saying it now wouldn't seem right. Perhaps they should have said it a long time ago.
The carriage ride to the station was quick, much to Michaela's dismay. The driver was in a hurry, so he rushed his horses along. Everyone was silent, and even Josef had a somber look upon his face. He felt as if he was losing his son.
Sully didn't want to leave her. He wanted to stay where he knew he could protect her. Michaela Quinn was a strong lady, and he knew she could take care of herself, but he didn't trust David. He hadn't seen him since the night he came to the house, but it didn't change the fact that David was still out there somewhere.
When the carriage arrived at the station, Josef and Michaela helped Sully take his luggage to the train. Sully gave the conductor his ticket, and his luggage was put on board.
"Take care, son," Josef said, hugging Sully and giving him a firm handshake.
"I will, sir. Don't think I forgot 'bout payin' you back."
"Don't worry about that anymore," Josef said with a wave of his hand. "You've done plenty for us, so your next payment will be coming back for a visit." Sully shook his head and embraced the older man again. Michaela was standing aside with her feelings knotting up in her stomach.
Josef stepped away, knowing it was time for his daughter to say her goodbyes. He knew it was hard on her, and he'd give her his shoulder to cry on soon enough. Right now, she had to do the hardest thing she'd had to do in a very long time.
Sully turned to her, taking her hands in his as he had on several occasions. This time was different, however. His hands were trembling too. His azure eyes were almost purple, and Michaela noticed how she could see her reflection in his eyes. They were almost glassy as the tears came to them. She knew he wouldn't let them fall in front of her, but she wouldn't have minded if he did. She wanted to know that he felt as bad about this as she did. But, this was his dream.
He knew he had to go. He had to make a life for himself, and someday, perhaps she would be a permanent part of that life. Until then, she was in his heart, and she would remain there forever.
"Sully," she whispered softly. "It wasn't so long ago that we were getting off of the train from New York. Now you're leaving and going so far away."
"I'll be back though," he promised. "I'll always come back." Michaela felt that lump forming again, but this time she couldn't swallow it. She wanted him to hold her. She wanted to kiss him so badly that her lips ached for him. What would it be like? Would she ever find out?
Michaela felt a tear starting to fall.
"Don't go cryin' over me now," he whispered. "It's so cold, and the tears might freeze to your face." Michaela grinned despite her heartache, and she wrapped her arms around his neck. He pulled his arms around her waist and held her close. He could smell the sweet fragrance of her hair, and she could hear his heart beating as her head rested upon his chest. They didn't want to let go. God, they couldn't let go. They were so wrapped up in the moment that they didn't hear the conductor shouting out a warning call for last-minute passengers.
Michaela took a shaky breath and finally pulled herself from his arms. She looked up at him, and his eyes were more beautiful than ever. Michaela's tears were cascading down her cheeks now and over her perfect pink lips. Sully tilted his head a little and ran his thumb across her cheek, brushing a few tears away.
She sighed softly, closing her eyes and brushing her cheek against his hand. Her hand met his and held it to her face for a moment, and she felt his fingers wrap around hers.
"Michaela," he whispered gently, framing her face with his hands. She watched him as he began to lean toward her. Her heart pounded from anticipation as his arms encircled her body and pulled her close. Their lips were a breath apart, and Michaela suddenly realized that she hadn't kissed anyone since David, and then, she hadn't known quite what she was doing. She didn't know what to expect, but she had no more time to think. His lips pressed against hers in the sweetest way, brushing back and forth for a few moments.
She closed her eyes and felt his lips upon hers. Hers worked against his ever so softly, and she felt as if this was her very first kiss. His kisses were nothing like David's. Sully's were soft and loving and passionate. This was the way a man was supposed to kiss a woman. This was the way he was supposed to kiss her. Her arms moved to wrap around him, and her head tilted back as their kiss grew. The train whistle blew its final warning, but they didn't care. They were too wrapped up in one another. They needed more.
She opened up to him and felt him gently massage her tongue with his. She felt like she couldn't breathe, but if she would have died then, she would have died happy. But, she mimicked his actions, and the kiss grew. Sully was so tender and gentle with her, and she didn't want him to stop loving her. She didn't want this to be goodbye. She wanted to go with him, but she knew that wasn't possible now.
Cold specks of snow began to fall from the sky, and the train began to shudder and squeal on the tracks. Michaela pulled back reluctantly and framed his face with her gloved hands. She looked into his beautiful eyes and smiled.
"You should go," she whispered, swallowing hard. It had pained her so much to say those three words.
"No I shouldn't," he replied, "but I know I have to." He sighed softly ran his thumb over her beautiful lips where he'd kissed her tears away. He wanted to say those three tiny words that had such a huge meaning, but it wasn't right anymore. He loved her more than anything, but he couldn't tell her and leave her. The train started to move, and Michaela gasped.
"Hurry," she said, a sob catching in her throat. Sully pulled her into another kiss before letting her go at the last moment and climbing aboard the train. He moved to a window seat just as the train began to pull away, and he put his fingertips to the glass. Michaela held her hand out. "I know you love me," she whispered, letting the tears fall uncontrollably.
She stood on the platform until the train was completely out of sight. She stood as the snow fell, and she felt more alone than she had in a long time. She closed her eyes and felt a set of hands rest upon her shoulders. She reached up and placed her hand on his.
"Let's go home," Josef whispered quietly. Michaela didn't speak. She merely nodded, turned and followed her father out to the carriage. She missed him already, and she knew that she wouldn't feel right again until she saw his face again.
He watched them walk away. He stood in the crowd and watched as Michaela and her father disappeared from the platform. He'd seen everything. Every glance between Michaela and Sully had been seen by his good eye. Every moment of that kiss. God, he'd seen it. He didn't want to believe it. She couldn't be in love with Sully.
He swallowed his anger. Sully was out of the picture for now. He'd make her love him before Sully returned. He'd make her forget all about Sully. She'd remember the good times they'd shared. He wasn't finished with her yet. Michaela Quinn would most certainly be his.
Michaela was sitting in the parlor with Elizabeth a few hours later. They were having tea, but Michaela was more focused on staring off at nothing than drinking her tea. Elizabeth knew her daughter missed Sully. She, on the other hand, was more than happy that he was gone.
"It's for the best, my dear," Elizabeth said quietly. "You'll find a suitable husband someday." Michaela bit her tongue. She didn't want an argument right now. She didn't feel strong enough to handle it.
"He is coming back in June, remember, Mother?" Michaela pointed out. Elizabeth stifled a laugh.
"Don't be so sure of that, Michaela."
"Excuse me?" She couldn't help it. Elizabeth certainly knew how to pick her battles.
"You know how much he wanted to go out there. I wouldn't be surprised if he falls for some rustic frontier woman. I'm sure she'll have just the right amount of class to suit him. Or should I say, lack thereof?"
"Stop it, Mother," Michaela warned. She couldn't help but let her mind wander, however. What if he did fall in love with someone else? What if he never came back? What if that kiss was her last memory of Sully? She couldn't bare the thought of never seeing him again.
"Face it, Michaela. You're not in love with him. You're merely infatuated with him, because he's different. You're curious."
"No," Michaela said quickly. "I do love him, Mother. You're the one who told me he loves me."
"But did he ever tell you?" Elizabeth asked. Michaela was silent. "I didn't think so."
"I didn't need to hear it just yet. I know how he feels. He didn't need to say it in words." Elizabeth shook his head.
"I'm sure he used his lips anyway, correct?" Michaela finished the last of her tea and was silent. Elizabeth shook her head. "I've told you a million times, Michaela. He's no good for you. He doesn't come from a wealthy family. He couldn't possibly support you." Support her? She didn't need anyone to financially support her!
"Mother, Sully's family wasn't always poor. They were forced to live in poverty due to illness. They lost everything except for the love they had for each other. Let me ask you a question, Mother. If we were reduced to living in a freezing cold shack at the end of town, would you still love us? Would you still love your family? Would you be there to care for us if we became ill? Sully gave up everything to help his parents, and then they lost everything. He loved them despite everything, and that's the way a family should be. They should love one another and support one another no matter what." She stood and left her mother to think for a while. She moved into the foyer, wishing to be away from her mother for now.
As she was about to start up the stairs, Harrison moved to the door to answer it, and Michaela turned. There he was. David stood there with a look upon his face that confused Michaela. Was he angry…upset…sad? She couldn't be sure, but she knew she didn't wish to see him.
"Harrison, please close the door. I don't want any visitors." Michaela said this as she stared at David, daring him to do something. As Harrison did as the lady asked, David pushed his way inside. Michaela gasped as he strode toward her. "David," she warned. David took her hand in his and squeezed it gently.
"Oh, Michaela. I didn't mean to frighten you. I just want to explain my actions. I'm so ashamed for what I've done. I've lost so much because of my petty jealousy. I know there's nothing to be jealous of. I know you love me. Sully's gone now. There's nothing to be afraid of anymore."
"Go away, David," Michaela warned, pulling her hand from his grasp. She watched him grow increasingly agitated. She took a few steps toward the stairs, and Harrison moved to tap David on the shoulder.
"Sir, I think you'd better leave," the older man said boldly.
"I'll leave when I'm finished here," David replied coldly. He turned his attention back to Michaela. His fists were clenched now. "I saw you today. At the train station."
"You were following me?"
"I'm only worried about you," David explained. Michaela felt fear rising in her again.
"I'll thank you to stop following me. I don't want to see you anymore, David."
"Michaela, you don't mean that. I saw you kissing him today. I can forgive you, because I know you didn't mean it. I know you only love me."
"No!" Michaela shouted. "I don't love you, David! I never did!" Those words stung him as if he'd been slapped in the face. "Go away! I don't want to see you, David! Leave now!" Harrison put his hand on David's shoulder again.
"Come along, sir. You should leave now." David, stunned by Michaela's outburst, withdrew from the Quinn house. He left, and Michaela stood staring at the door. He'd seen her at the train station. He'd been following her; watching her. How long had he been doing this? Would he continue? Michaela wasn't sure of anything at that very moment. She was frightened beyond belief.
"Michaela?" Elizabeth asked, coming into the room. Michaela couldn't speak with her mother now. She merely shook her head and started up the stairs. She decided she wasn't going to let David get to her. Everything was going to be fine. It had to be.