Chapter Seventeen

Wolf began to whine as they neared the reservation. Sully was finding it harder and harder to keep his eyes open. Pain had returned to his head, and he felt worse than he had when he'd received the wound. The heat from the sun pounded down on him like a ton of bricks, and his knees buckled as the pain intensified. Wolf barked and nuzzled his nose against Sully's hand. Sully put his head in his hands and tried to wait out the pain, but it never went away.

Cloud Dancing looked up from his conversation with Snow Bird, and he saw Sully kneeling in the prairie grass. He stood slowly and said something to Snow Bird in Cheyenne. He then rushed over to see if there was anything he could do for his white brother. They had yet to perform the sweat lodge ritual, so Cloud Dancing was concerned that it was way over due.

"What's wrong, my brother?" Cloud Dancing asked his friend. Sully shook his head as the pain increased. Cloud Dancing knew what to do. "It is time." Sully, knowing exactly what Cloud Dancing meant, nodded his head and stood. A few Cheyenne elders came over, and Cloud Dancing spoke to them, instructing them to prepare a sweat lodge. Sully, understanding only a small portion of the Cheyenne language, could only make out a few words.

Cloud Dancing's hand gripped Sully's upper arm as they walked. Wolf followed loyally, and Sully heard the elders chanting something. He kept his eyes closed, trusting the medicine man to lead the way. With that trust, he felt like he could see with his eyes closed, and they made it to the creek side.

Sully opened his eyes to see the sweat lodge being prepared. It was already constructed, but the stones were being heated, and the water was being prepared. Cloud Dancing let go of Sully and began to send his own prayers to the Spirits. When he was through, he looked at Sully and handed him a buckskin wrap to put around his waist. He instructed him to strip from his clothing and enter the sweat lodge. Sully, willing to try anything to get rid of the pain, moved behind the sweat lodge and did as the medicine man instructed.

When Sully made it inside of the sweat lodge, he collapsed back on the pallet of furs. Cloud Dancing entered and set up a few hot stones. He poured water over them, and thick steam rose up, making Sully feel drowsy. Cloud Dancing began to chant, and Sully listened to the song as everything began to spin around him. He felt sick, but soon, the nausea passed, and the chanting blended with the steam.

"You have lost so much," Cloud Dancing said quietly.

"Yes," Sully groaned, pressing his hands against his pounding forehead. "My parents died back in January." Cloud Dancing nodded.

"The Spirits told me there was great loss in your past. They told me you were orphaned. They tell me your heart longs for another." Sully swallowed hard and wined in pain.

"The woman I love…she doesn't know I love her."

"She does," Cloud Dancing replied. Sully looked at him through the foggy steam.

"She told me I should stay," Sully explained, referring to the letter he'd read. "She wants me to stay." The pain started to go away, and Sully closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands. He was light headed and felt as if he was going to pass out.

Cloud Dancing merely nodded, and he pulled something from a pouch, sprinkled it over the hot stones, and he began to chant again. Sully opened his eyes and leaned back, staring up at the top of the sweat lodge. As the steam swirled around, searching for an escape, he began to see her face. Michaela's beautiful face appeared before him, and he wasn't sure if he was dreaming or not. Cloud Dancing's chanting disappeared, and Sully watched as Michaela's smile turned from a thing of beauty to a terrified grimace. She began to run, and Sully wanted to run after her. He wanted to catch her and tell her everything was all right.

At that moment, Michaela began to run faster. She was running in the dark toward something at the end of an alley. What was it? The dark began to turn to light, and he saw them, his parents, standing at the end of the alley. They were smiling! What was Michaela doing running toward his parents? His…dead parents. Why would she be going to them unless…? No!

"Michaela!" he yelled out, reaching for her as his vision took over a blood red haze. His hand broke through the vision before him, and it faded away like a repressed memory.

Sunlight filled the sweat lodge for a moment, but Cloud Dancing quickly pulled the flap back. Sully had broken out of his vision, and he sat up, the pain completely gone. Cloud Dancing nodded, knowing what Sully was going to say before he said it.

"She needs me," he panted. Cloud Dancing added more water to the stones.

"She knows it, but she might not be ready to admit it." Sully was tense now. "You know what you must do." Sully nodded tiredly. "We must continue the ritual first. Rest now. We'll continue soon."

Two weeks later, it was a gorgeous late-May afternoon in Boston. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and so far, the day was perfect!

"Mr. Johnson!" Lydia exclaimed as they strolled beside the River Charles. He'd pretended to almost fall in, and he'd given her quite a start. Albert grinned as Lydia's smile brightened her face. Her pale cheeks turned rosy red, and her gray eyes sparkled blue in the sunlight. Her black hair was pulled back, but tiny ringlets surfaced under the green hat she'd pinned atop her head. It matched the green dress that hid her expanding waistline, and she wore a shawl, excusing it as a way to keep out the chill, though it was a warm day without a cool breeze.

"See, I did make you laugh."

"I didn't laugh!" she replied, biting back a giggle.

"There it was!" Lydia rolled her eyes and gave his chest a gentle shove.

"Careful! I may just throw you in next time."

"You wouldn't dare."

"I wouldn't?" Albert shook his head.

"Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to give you this." He pulled a beautiful bouquet of yellow dandelions from behind his back, and he presented them to her. She grinned, feeling her cheeks growing rosier. How had he managed to get those and hide them without her seeing? She didn't care, really. It was the thought that counted!

"You know, I prefer the dead ones." They continued walking along, and Lydia pulled the shawl tighter around her shoulders. Albert glanced at her.

"Why would that be?" Lydia shrugged, but her gray eyes flashed with a childhood memory.

"My younger sister and I used to pick them and watch their seeds flutter about in the wind. It was almost like it was snowing in the summer to us. It was magical."

"I didn't know you had a younger sister."

"I did once. She died before my seventh birthday."

"I'm sorry," Albert said quietly.

"I hardly remember it, Mr. Johnson," she said with a soft sigh. That was the honest truth. She'd pushed the painful memory of her little sister's death out of her mind. She remembered how and when it happened, but other details were quite fuzzy.

"Is this a good place?" he wondered, pointing to a patch of grass beneath the shade of a willow tree. Lydia smiled.

"It's perfect." Albert laid out the blanket, while Lydia unpacked the picnic basket. She was amazed at how quickly she'd grown to enjoy this man's company. They hadn't known one another long at all, but he was a challenge to her, and she was certainly quite a challenge to him!

They settled down onto the blanket under the afternoon sun, and they began to eat and drink and talk happily about the weather and anything else they felt like. Lydia couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so happy. She was starting to see that there was life past her sins. She wanted to live it. She wanted to smile and laugh and dance. She trusted Albert, and that was a big step for her.

She watched and listened as Albert told her childhood stories and his dreams of the future. Suddenly, she began to feel guilty. She'd gotten to know Albert quite well recently, once he'd broken past the icy exterior she had created, and she knew he didn't deserve to be left out in the dark about her recent past. He deserved to know what kind of a woman she was…she had been. He deserved to know what he was getting himself into by pursuing whatever kind of relationship he thought could form between them. What would he think of her when he found out she was…was…damaged goods? Those were the words she'd heard snickered behind her back, even by her own cousin's husband.

"Albert," Lydia said, interrupting Albert's speech about a certain client he'd once had. He turned his attention to her. That was the first time he'd heard her use his first name without a title in front of it. Should he be so bold too?

"Lydia?" he asked hesitantly.

"There are certain things that you don't know about me," she began. "I'm not quite sure if you'd want to know them."

"What do you mean? You don't work for your cousin and her husband?" Lydia grinned a little.

"No, that's true. Everything I've told you has been the truth, Albert, but there are some things that I've neglected to say. I've been struggling with them, and I'm not quite sure how to tell…anyone." Albert sat up a little and turned his entire body to face her.

"I know you've been hiding something. I just didn't want to press you. I figured that it was either something you would deal with, or you would tell me in time."

"I know this isn't the proper thing to discuss, but if…if you're serious about pursuing this relationship, you need to know." Albert swallowed hard and shook his head.

"I'm afraid I don't understand. Lydia, you were a big surprise to me. I never expected to meet you. I never expected to keep coming back when you pushed me away. But, I did, and I'm here now." Lydia sighed softly.

"Perhaps you'd rather stay away once you hear what I have to tell you."

"I think I'll be the judge of that. Tell me, Lydia. You can tell me anything." She knew he was right, but she wasn't certain of what his reaction would be. But, there was no going back now. He had to know.

Michaela stood in the foyer staring down at the slip of paper in her hands. She was trembling, but she wasn't quite sure if it was from being nervous or being completely happy! The advertisement had just come into her hands that morning, and now she wasn't quite sure what to do with it. She was quite possibly staring down at everything she had ever wanted. Colorado Springs needed a doctor. She needed to be a doctor again. Of course, she already was one, but she needed to have her own practice and start a life for herself. It was time, but she was scared. Should she take it?

It would be her chance to break free from Boston and David. It would be her chance to be with Sully out in Colorado.

As she thought of him, she frowned a little. She hadn't received a letter from him since before she'd sent off her last letter to him. She felt horrible, and she only wished that there was some way to make him see that she was only saying those things because she cared about him too much to hurt him. Suddenly, she began to worry. What if he had thought she was right? What if he was moving on? What if he had found someone? What if she took the job, moved out there and was left stranded to watch Sully move on with his life. She wanted him to be happy, but she knew now more than ever that she wanted to be happy too. She wanted to be with him.

Thinking back to everything that happened with David, she knew that telling Sully how she felt would be the best thing to do. She was tired to waiting. She was tired of not knowing.

She felt breathless, and she started for the door. Harrison glanced up at her protectively.

"Dr. Quinn?" he asked. She smiled to assure him.

"I'm only stepping out for a moment, Harrison." When she reached for the doorknob, Elizabeth's voice rang out.

"Michaela?" she asked. Michaela sighed and turned toward her mother's voice.

"Never mind, Harrison," Michaela said as she glanced at her mother. Elizabeth stood on the marble staircase, watching her daughter. Elizabeth noticed the slip of paper in Michaela's hand, and she was immediately curious.

"Harrison, would you leave us, please?" Elizabeth requested. The butler nodded and left the room. Elizabeth stepped off of the stairs so she was level with her daughter. "What's this?" She looked down at the paper in Michaela's hand.

"It's an advertisement, Mother. A town needs a doctor," she explained. "The position is in Colorado Springs, and they're desperate for help." The name of the town struck a cord with Mrs. Quinn. That was where Mr. Sully was, and she couldn't have her daughter caught up with the likes of him again.

"You're not actually considering this." That wasn't a question. It almost sounded like a command, and that irritated Michaela.

"I am," Michaela replied with a confident nod. She noticed Elizabeth's face turning red, and that was the warning sign of a blow up. She sighed heavily. "Mother, I know you're not happy with the choices I've made in the past, and you'll probably never approve of my future choices, but they are my choices, not yours."

"I don't just disapprove, Michaela. I forbid it!" Michaela raised an eyebrow. "If you're thinking of running off to be with that…that street trash, you can forget about it!" A fuse inside of Michaela ignited, and it was only a matter of moments before she exploded. "How many times do I have to tell you? He's no good for you! He's poor. He has no breeding and no class. He has worked his entire life on farms and on the docks! He knows nothing of being proper."

"Stop it!" Michaela snapped. Elizabeth was taken aback! "I am so tired of you telling me what I can and cannot do! Those aren't your choices to make anymore! I'm twenty-six years old. It's time that I start thinking about leaving this place. It's time to strike out on my own and make a life for myself away from here…without you looking over my shoulder all of the time! I'm tired of being here and watching my step. I'm tired of looking over my shoulder and around each corner, wondering if David's there waiting for me, ready to grab me like he did that night. I don't need this anymore!"

"Michaela," Elizabeth warned. Michaela took a deep breath, knowing what Elizabeth wanted to say before she said it.

"Sully is a good man!"

"You can do better!" Elizabeth yelled angrily, her eyes practically glowing.

"Better? Who? David? Can you honestly say that a man who tried to rape your own daughter is better than a man who can provide a loving relationship for her?"

"I'm not saying…" Elizabeth began, feeling that her daughter was out of line. Of course David wasn't good enough for her! David didn't deserve to be breathing after what he had done!

"He tried to rape me!" Michaela shot back, tears flooding her eyes.

"Enough! I won't have such talk in my house anymore!" Elizabeth exclaimed. She knew her daughter was hurting, but she was sure the entire community could hear their argument, and these were issues that were left unspoken of in these situations. Michaela was angrier than she'd ever been at this moment.

"What? You won't discuss the fact that David tried to…he tried to force himself on your daughter!" Michaela asked, trembling.

"He did what!" was followed by a noise at the front door that startled them both, and they spun around to see the door wide open, a pack laying scattered on the marble floor, and a stunned Sully standing in his buckskin clothing with fear, anger and shock in his eyes. He looked so different, but even more handsome that Michaela had remembered.

A vast amount of emotions swept across her face, and she didn't know quite what to do. She wanted to run to him, but she knew he was as shocked to hear what she had said as she was to see him standing there before her.

"Mr. Sully, this does not concern you!" Elizabeth spat. Michaela completely turned to face Sully, her entire body trembling. Sully swallowed hard, his eyes focusing on the beautiful woman he had loved for so long. What had she just said? God, why was she hurting?

"You're…you're here," she whispered, the tears falling in thick droplets that formed into tiny rivers. She put her hand over her mouth and stifled a sob. "Sully…you're here." The piece of paper in her hand fluttered to the ground silently and unseen.

"What did David do to you?" he asked angrily. He wasn't angry with her, but he was angry that he'd been gone for so long and had no idea about this. But, when he saw the painful look in her beautiful eyes, he rushed to her and pulled her into his arms. Her arms flew around his neck and held him tightly, not wanting to let go. They needed to hold one another like this, and neither one of them wanted the embrace to end.

"I'm sorry," she whispered as he held her tight. He rubbed her back and held her close. There was nothing for her to be ashamed about. This was the first time she'd had a good cry about it all since the night of her attack. God, she needed to release the anger and pain that was built up inside of her. Being in Sully's arms certainly helped her feel better.

"Shh. There's nothin' to be sorry about. I'm here now. It's all right." He kissed the top of her head, and he glanced up at Elizabeth, watching as the anger rose inside of her. He wanted to ask her about this situation, but he knew she wouldn't speak of such things to him. Michaela would tell him, he hoped. Why hadn't she told him before? Perhaps she'd been afraid. Perhaps she hadn't been able to write the words on paper. He should have been there, and he knew it.

"What's going on here?" Josef Quinn asked as he stepped into the house, stepping over the spilled pack at the front door. He spotted Elizabeth standing nearby, and he glimpsed Sully holding Michaela in his arms. "Sully! You're home!" Josef swallowed hard and looked at his wife after he noticed that Michaela was crying. "What did you do?'

"Why am I not surprised that you asked me that?" She shook her head and started up the stairs in a huff. Josef slowly made his way over to his daughter and placed his hand on her back.

"Mike?" he asked gently. He looked up at Sully, and there was an unspoken agreement between the two of them. Sully needed to speak with Michaela. "I should tend to my wife. I'll be upstairs if you should need anything." Sully nodded his thanks, and Josef started up the stairs, leaving Michaela and Sully alone in the foyer.

They reluctantly let one another go, and Michaela looked up into Sully's eyes. Tears were still staining her cheeks, and Sully took her hand in his. He led her to the staircase, and they sat down upon the marble steps. He reached over and dried her tears.

"You look so different," she said with a sniffle. She ran her hand along his cheek. He had grown short but well-kept facial hair, and she couldn't help but imagine what it would feel like to kiss him like this. Would it tickle? Would it be scratchy? "So handsome." Sully knew she was straying from the issue at hand, and he took her hands in his.

"Michaela, what did ya say about David?" he implored. She took a deep breath and shook her head.

"Sully, it really doesn't matter at this moment. The only thing that matters is that you're here now. With me." Sully swallowed the worry that was building up inside of him, and he pulled her hands to his lips and kissed them softly. "Oh, Sully, there is so much I want to say to you."

"There's a lot I wanna say to you too, but it can wait." Michaela shook her head.

"No, it can't." She had made up her mind. She should have told him a long time ago. This was it. This was the time. There was no going back, and she had to go forward. She looked into his eyes, seeing her future. Her future was with him, and it had never been clearer. Her hand moved to his cheek, and he placed his hand over hers. "Before you went to Colorado, you asked me if I wanted you to say it. I told you I didn't want to hear it yet. But I did. I wanted to hear it then, and I need to hear it now." Sully looked deep into her eyes, months of loneliness and wonderment were evident. He wanted to give her the world right then and there. He wanted to stop time and give her anything and everything she had ever wanted. He wanted to tell her what she needed to hear; what he needed her to hear.

He brushed her tears away again, but fresh tears replaced them right away. Michaela tried to smile, but she was trembling so much that it was difficult. Sully wanted to take the pain away. He wanted to carry it all for her and watch her grow and love and smile. He wanted to watch that light that surrounded her brighten as it did every time he saw her face.

He leaned in, brushing his lips against hers, tasting her salty sorrow and replacing it with renewed hope and love. She kissed him back, needing to feel him against her. But, she needed to say it first. She reluctantly pulled away, breathless. She let her heart steady before she continued.

"But more importantly, I need you to know how I feel about you." Sully swallowed hard as Michaela took his hands. She was trembling, and he began to tremble too. This was really happening, and neither one of them wanted the moment to end. Sully motioned to speak, but she leaned in to hush him with a soft kiss. Their eyes locked before closing, and they savored the moment. When Michaela pulled away, she took a deep breath. "Sully, I'll answer any of your questions. I'll tell you everything. But, I need you to listen to me first. I need you to hear what I have to say, because it's been on my mind for a very long time." Swallowing hard, she continued on. "Sully, I've been fighting with my feelings every moment along the way. I've been fighting everything I was taught growing up in Boston. None of those rules I was taught matter when it comes to the way I feel about you. Oh, Sully, I'm…I'm in love with you. I love you so much." Saying that had released something inside of her; an energy that she couldn't explain. Sully stared at her, his entire life fell into this very moment. She was his life. She was everything. "That love kept me strong over these past few months. Even after what David…what David did…I felt that unspoken love between us." She choked back a sob, knowing she was going to have to explain it all too him very soon. Perhaps she had been afraid, but she had been suppressing it all of this time. Now that she was with Sully, she could say anything and feel anything, and it was okay. "He tried to hurt me, but he never broke the trust or the love that I feel for you. He wanted to break me in every way, Sully. I didn't let him." Sobs were hitching in her chest, and she felt like she couldn't breathe, but she had to continue until she'd said everything.

"Michaela," Sully whispered.

"I couldn't stop loving. I couldn't stop trusting. David couldn't win." She took a shaky breath. "God, Sully, I've loved you for a long time, and I'm so sorry I didn't tell you until now."

"No regrets," Sully assured her softly. She smiled a little and shook her head.

"That's why I told you to stay in my last letter. I thought that you loved Colorado Springs so much, and even if you came back to me, I'd still lose a part of you. I wanted you to be happy."

"Hey, hey," Sully cut her off, framing her face with his hands."I was happy in Colorado Springs, but not just 'cause I was there. I was happy, because I had seein' your beautiful face to look forward when I came back to Boston."

"Sully," She smiled, sniffling and drying her tears.

"I love you, Michaela. I've loved ya for so long now. I wanted to tell ya a long, long time ago."

"I knew. I knew long before you left."

"I've missed you so much. I should have been here." Michaela smiled a little as if to say 'You're here now,' and they pulled one another into a loving hug. He knew to be patient, and he rubbed her back supportively. When they pulled away, they shared a tender kiss. "Ya know we need to talk about this." Michaela nodded and stood, swallowing the lump in her throat.

"I'm ready to tell you." She held her hand out to him, and he took it and stood. They could hear footsteps coming from upstairs, and they knew this needed to be a private conversation.

"Let's take a walk," Sully offered. Michaela nodded in full agreement, gave Sully's hand a squeeze, and she started to follow him toward the door. Sully noticed the piece of paper lying with the spilled contents of his travel pack. He picked it up, remembering seeing it in her hand earlier, and he placed it in her hand. She glanced at it nervously, looked up at him and smiled. Their hands joined again, and they left the Quinn home and headed away from Beacon Hill.