Chapter 4: Shadows and Dust

Somewhere in the building a clock struck the hour of 3. The long deep shadows of the 3 a.m. twilight crept across the carpet towards the solitary figure still hunched alone in his chair. A bottle of scotch lay empty and abandoned by the corner of the desk, the crumpled ends of a letter stuck out between the clenched fingers of his hand.

Slowly and a bit unsteadily, Wes got to his feet. Another night of abuse almost at an end and he was too tired to think anymore. Quietly he shut off the light to his office and began to stagger towards the stairs. Pausing, he steadied himself against the railing with his hands, his eyes staring down at the flat broad stairs before him. Nope, stairs were definitely a bad idea at the moment. Taking in a deep breath he turned and headed slowly towards the elevators.

With the soft release of air the silver doors slid back welcoming him with the warm glow of the elevator's lights, which shone a soft golden bronze in the darkness of the hallway around him. Squinting in the sudden brightness he shuffled forward, reaching out to press the elevator Parking level button as he moved passed it, but his fingers slipped and hit the L2 button as well.

"Damn it!" he growled to the soft elevator music that began to play as the doors closed and he began to move upward. L2 was the Laboratory level of Wolfram & Hart. In and of itself it was no big deal, but that's where Fred's office was. Having Jacquelyn's face haunting his subconscious was one thing, but throw Fred in there and things weren't going to be pretty.

The gentle movement of the elevator began to lull him and he felt some of the weight slipping from his shoulders as sleep began to call him. It was only then that he realized he still had the letter wedged tightly in his fist. Well at least he could throw it out in the lab.

After a few moments the elevator doors opened and he stepped out onto the darkened floor of the lab. Before him stood Fred's office and lab, entirely enclosed in glass windows, it had a soft relaxing blue light to it, the reflection of the low-lighting night settings. With a soft whoosh of air, he pushed open the main door to the lab and stumbled in. Now where were the waste baskets?

Finally he spied a biohazard bin in the far corner. So the letter wasn't actually toxic but the thought that it would be destroyed in a more efficient manner carried a certain appeal, and he eagerly reached out to stuff the crumpled ball inside. But just as he had opened the lid a light caught his eye and he found himself watching Fred still scouring over books in her office.

Her long brown hair had been twisted up into a loose bun at the back of her head, held in place by a yellow number 2 pencil. She was still wearing her lab coat, the soft blue of her sweater peaking out from between the coat's lapels. Somewhere along the way she had stripped off her shoes and socks, both of which lay abandoned beside her desk, her bare feet curled up on her chair beside her. Her black rimmed glasses were slipping slightly down the bridge of her nose and she kept pushing them back up, a pencil clutched between her teeth. She was the very picture of the absentminded scientist and Wesley couldn't help but find her beautiful…

"I'm sorry Wesley but I can't see you anymore," Jacquelyn's voice was brisk and cold, her pace quickening as she moved passed him.

"I don't understand," Wesley frowned, following after like a lost puppy. "Jacquelyn, what happened?"

"What happened!" she cried, her face incredulous. She noticed the glances from some of the passing students and she dropped her voice to a deadly even tone. "You nearly killed me and Michael that's what happened!"

"But," Wesley made to protest but she cut him off.

"You are too dangerous Wesley. Your ideas, your actions, all of you!"

"I thought we were…you know…" She still refused to look at him so his spit out the first word he could think of. "I thought we were friends?" He protested, his mind in complete confusion. It had been nearly a week since the incident at the library, since he had slept with Jacquelyn, and her and Michael were fine. Only their parents and the doctor knew the truth, or at least the truth Michael had led them all to believe, that Jacquelyn and him were unwitting pawns in Wesley's dangerous game. It had only been by sheer luck that Wesley's father had been able to keep his son from being expelled, and the Council had already assigned Wesley the task of reigning in another rogue Watcher and his spirited slayer in America. Out of sight, out of mind, that's what Michael's father had said. Wesley's transfer was to be immediate upon his graduation. But Jacquelyn, she would understand, she knew what really happened, what they had shared…or so he thought.

"Friends?" Jacquelyn scoffed. "You and me friends?"

"It's just…I thought…"

"Wesley the only reason I hung around you, the only reason I knew who you were was because of what you are to the people here. I've never had any desire to be a Watcher but my mother is on the Council so I was sent to this ridiculous school. What better way to get back at her than to be seen publicly fraternizing with you!"

Wesley swallowed hard. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "But what about…what about us?"

"Look I'm sorry but we can't talk anymore. You need to stay away from me and from Michael."

"But I love you," he whispered weakly.

"I'm sorry, but I don't love you. That, what happened between us, Wesley, that was just a bit of cold comfort, that's all. Good-bye Wesley."

And just like that she had walked out of his life. The first woman he had ever loved and his best friend, both gone because of a stupid mistake he had made. He had spent the rest of his time at school alone in the library for the most part. He had lost himself in his exams, his work, and graduated top of his class. Sure enough he had received his assignment, Sunnydale California, along side his diploma. Michael had been offered a senior position among the Council and there had been a big celebration for his honor; of course Wesley had politely abstained.

He could still remember watching the lights and listening to the fading strands of the symphony from his perch in the library next door. It had been in that moment when he had decided that he would stop questioning and follow the letter of the law, no more no less. It had worked in a way for a time. Of course it had caused rifts between him and Buffy and Giles when he had first arrived. He had put on his best behavior and done everything the Council asked, double checking that every 't' was crossed, every 'i'dotted. He had stifled his curiosity, demanded nothing but unbiased uninvolved rhetoric and advice from himself and just watched his slayer walk the fine line of life and death. He had done it all in the hopes that maybe Jacquelyn would forgive him for whatever it was he had done, but instead he had received word from his father not two weeks into his assignment in California, that Jacquelyn and Michael were married. So in the end, no matter how hard he had tried for her he hadn't been able to stop himself from learning, from feeling and in the end that was the undoing of the "good little Council boy".

He had even tried to behave even after her wedding announcement, but he had made one critical mistake and that was opening himself up to Giles. At first it had been out of respect and duty but as he had come to know the older man Wesley had been drawn to his influence, re-awakening many of the ideas and principles he had believed in for so long. He had even re-opened himself up to love, or at least a silly attempt at puppy love with Cordelia, and all of it had been his undoing again. He had allied himself with Giles, broke contact with the Council, befriended Angel, a vampire with a soul, and begun working along side with him. But even that wasn't enough for him, instead he kept reading, kept trying things his way and slowly he had grown away from the safety of his British upbringing and become a full fledge rogue demon hunter, at times allied with his friends, at others their hated enemy. Where in all of the mixed up mess that was his life were the happy moments? Where had he gone so incredibly wrong that nothing made sense anymore? When had he shut off his emotions so completely that he moved robotically through night and day?

And now here he stood in the middle of an abandoned lab watching another beautiful, intelligent woman, and secretly loving her from a far. He really was a fool.

"Wesley?" Fred's soft voice ran its way along his spin. Blinking he found her staring back at him through the glass windows of her office.

"Oh sorry," he replied, as she made her way into the darken confinement of the lab.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, her face crested with concern. He must have looked worse than he thought.

"Oh uh, throwing this out," he held up the crumpled piece of paper and tossed into the biohazard bin.

"You alright?" she pressed, retrieving the piece of paper.

"Yeah, just a letter from an old friend," he was stumbling slightly over his words, suddenly afraid she might open the letter and see how much more of disaster he really was.

She studied him carefully for a few minutes, taking in the pain clearly cut across his face, and the alcohol heavy on his breath. Absentmindedly she scratched at the bandage that was wrapped around her right arm; another of his mistakes, a mistake so reminiscent of Jacquelyn.

She caught his eyes staring at the bandage and she smiled gently, "Almost all better."

He opened his mouth to speak again but she silenced him with a shake of her head. "If you are going to apologize again please don't. I know the game just as well as you guys do. I may not be big and strong but I can handle myself. You aren't dangerous, Wesley. You are the complete opposite of that. You and Angel, you guys are fearless. You ignore your own safety day in and day out to do what needs to be done. Well I'm a part of the team too and if I want to be reckless with my life then you can't stop me!" She punctuated the last with a laugh and several playful jabs at his arm. "Ok?"

"Alright," he smiled back. It was amazing how well she understood him, all of him, even the parts he kept so secretly shielded from the world. Jacquelyn had called him dangerous for the same things that Fred called noble. Instead of rejection and judgment Fred offered only comfort and warmth, even though his actions had nearly cost her her life. She really was one in a million. If only she could be his one in a million.

Again her eyes fell back on the crumpled piece of paper in her hand. "You sure you're alright?"

"Yeah," he nodded.

Without a word she tossed the paper back into the biohazard bin. "Now how about some coffee and a ride home? I know I certainly could use the company and I'm starved!"

He glanced over her shoulder at the pile of half eaten Chinese food take-out boxes littering her desk. Somehow he had the feeling she had eaten her fill for the night but the offer was not lost on him.

So with a smile he waited for her to close up her office, gather her things, and then lead him gently to the elevator, all the while talking away about her research. For the first time in weeks he felt himself relax, felt the weight lifting and a lightness enter his steps. Another part of his past was buried and gone, and thought that memory had helped to shape him into the man he had become and influenced the choices he had made, he knew at long last who he was. Jacquelyn may have been the first woman he had ever loved but she would not be last.

She was just a part of a life he had once lived. And that life would forever be a part of him, but he had found something deeper among the battles and evil of L.A. He'd found a new life and a meaning for his life. Fred might never love him but he would be content loving her alone. She seemed to understand him on a deeper level, in a way no one, male or female ever had, and despite all the mistakes he made and continued to make she had been the one person to stand by him and continue to trust and believe in him. And maybe that was all that was all that mattered…that could be his happy memory to help keep him honest and moving a step forward each day in his new life at Wolfram & Hart.

The End.

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©2005

Ok, that's it. Hope you enjoyed it. Please feel free to leave feedback (only way I'll get better) at divine. (just put some note in the title so I won't mistake it for Spam ).