Disclaimer: Not mine, just borrowed.
AN: This is my first stab at fanfiction, so I'd welcome criticism and ideas. This is my view of Renee, so you are free to agree or disagree. That said enjoy the fic.
"Who needs anyone anyway? I'm better off alone." Renee Walcott thought as she stormed into the elevator on her way out of the morgue. She had just had a discussion with Garret and was feeling more than pissed off. The man could be intolerable when he felt like it. He had just evaded one of her attempts to discuss their relationship or lack there of and Renee was starting to feel really discouraged. Was it worth the effort at all? He obviously had no intention of ever voicing his opinion on the matter and without clearance she did not know if she could carry on seeing the man. No, that was a lie. She knew she would. She couldn't help herself. Now if only she could manage to get him to open up to her. She sadly admitted to herself that Garret meant a lot more to her than she would ever let on and that thought scared her. "It's no use getting that close to someone, no use becoming dependant on someone. It always fires back in your face. I'd better carry on the way I'm used to-alone." Renee tried to convince herself. Useless it proved. The thought of Garret kept jumping up in her head and she did not know whether to feel really angry or really sad about it.
She was alone in the elevator and glad about it. She feared that her inner struggle was clearly visible on her face and she did not want anyone to see her like that. No one. That would totally ruin the ice queen image she had created for herself. That would totally ruin the strong and confident DA bitch image she had created as well. And that would be no good for her. She did not need or want anyone to know or even notice how worked up she was becoming over Garret. This was no good. No good at all. Why did he have to jump in her life like that and make her question whether she liked it as much as she had convinced herself? He had no right. She was so sure that her successful career was all she ever wanted in life and there could be no greater joy than the joy of sending a criminal in jail and then completely out of the blue he had appeared and she had begun to wonder if she could carry on pretending she needed no one else but herself to be happy. She had always known that other people had friends and families while she, the evil DA, had only her career, but she had succeeded in not feeling that bad about it. Sure thing she felt awfully lonely at times, but her next case had always been enough to get her to focus on everything else that was important besides the glaring absence of social life. It was better this way. When you had no one, no one could hurt you. And what she was mortally afraid of was getting hurt. Renee laughed bitterly as she imagined the reaction of everyone she knew if they ever learned that. She was that good at pretending, they would never believe her.
Why then had she, Renee Walcott, after having quarreled with him as though she hated his guts, opened up to Garret and let him know things she had told no one else before? This completely puzzled her. She had had no intention of doing so. It had come out of her on its own free will. She had not been able to stop herself before it was too late. And she had felt better afterwards. She had told him about being a generational lawyer and the pressure she had to face because of that. She had even told him about her ex leaving her because she could not conceive after five years of trying. All in all she had let her insecure side show, her pain show, but he had not laughed at her, he had not taken advantage of it, he had not even mentioned it afterwards. He had understood. He had understood that she too had feelings and there was more to her than the bitch she seemed to be. It was as if they both knew about it, but had decided not to talk about it at all. It was their silent agreement. And she respected him for that. All this time she had thought she hated him until it dawned on her how far from the truth she had been. Her over-protectiveness had kicked in and managed to successfully convince her that her feelings were the exact opposite of what they actually were. She had realized the truth, however. After all who do we confide in-the people we love and trust or the people we hate? Renee Walcott loved Garret Macy. It scared the hell out of her, because she had no idea if he returned her feelings at all. He was avoiding the topic at all costs. Every time she tried to trick him into telling he pushed her away. She on the other hand was too afraid to be the first one to confess her feelings. What if he pushed her even further away?
At this point she realized that something had gone wrong. She should have reached the ground floor and exited the elevator long time ago. She had been so absorbed in her self-destructive rant that she had not noticed that the elevator had stopped moving. "Great! Now I'm stuck just like my life at the moment!" That fact did not raise her spirits at all. If possible they sank much lower. Now she was not only in pain, but a horrible empty feeling had crept up her chest demanding immediate attention. Renee sighed as she attempted to ignore it in vain. Her heart was practically screaming at her, wanting her to do something about it. "Everyone needs to be loved. Everyone wants to be loved.", her heart was saying. "Why are you ignoring me? Why don't you go for your own chance of happiness?" "Why, because I'm afraid of the pain if it doesn't work out. That's why. Now, please go away. Leave me alone!" The little voice in her head disappeared at the same time as the elevator started moving again. By the time she reached the ground floor Renee Walcott had managed to regain her composure. As she stormed out of the elevator her last thoughts were a resolute: "Who needs anyone anyway? I'm better off alone!"