Disclaimer: Don't own anything but the plot... too lazy to put anything creative...
Chapter 4: Miracle
Praying...
All that he could do now is to pray...
... and hoping...
... hoping for the best...
... hoping for her to regain her consciousness...
He remembered that he had vowed to himself... and to Lacus... that he would not cry any longer. Yet, despite his vow to her and himself, he had unconsciously and consciously broken that vow over and over again. He hated himself for that... for breaking his promises to Lacus... just like how he hated himself for not fulfilling the promise that he had made to her.
He had said that he would protect her... he had said that he would stop thinking about the past... about Fllay, he had promised, even vowed her to not cry any longer... even if his promise was unheard... and yet... he still cries.
Kira ran a hand through his hair in frustration and smiled a bitter smile as a single tear rolled down from his eyes. "What is this... tears?" asked Kira to himself as he rubbed the salty water away. "Why? Why am I crying again? Didn't I already told her that I won't be crying again?"
Another tear made a trail down from his eye.
"Why? Why am I crying again?"
'Why...
is a powerful word...
... it can be used to reason...
... or to create miracles...'
He remembered Lacus told him that before... but if it's so powerful and could bring miracle... why can't it bring her back to him?
"Why aren't you waking up at all?" asked Kira to the still figure. "Why won't you wake up?"
"Why won't you? Lacus! Wake up!" yelled Kira as he stood up and shook her.
He was now at the point of desperation... time was running out for her... for him... for both of them. "Wake up! I can't let you die too! WAKE UP!" yelled Kira in desperation as he shook her harder.
"Kira... just stop it..." said a voice familiar to him.
"Stop it? How can I 'just stop it' when I know that soon she's not going to be there with me? Tell me Cagalli! How can I?" Yelled Kira as he dropped to his knee, crying in desperation... voicing out his distress... voicing out what his inner heart was feeling.
"Kira..." started Cagalli as she approached him.
"Cagalli... you know what?" asked Kira rhetorically.
"What?" replied Cagalli, stopping her advances towards her brother.
Kira let out his first sincere smile since a long time. "I never tell anyone about this... I never told you about this... or Athrun... or Lacus... or even myself. I've avoided on admitting this for a long time... but... now I've realized it."
"Realized what?" asked Athrun, who finally decided to let his presence known.
"After Yukimura told me that she might not wake up any longer...no... when I found out about the accident... I've come to realize how important she is to me." He smiled fondly at Lacus while his hand brushed her bangs away from her eyes. "You know those times that your heart just felt like it would stop beating when you heard bad news regarding your loved one?"
"Hai... I know," replied Athrun while pulling Cagalli into a comforting hug.
"Well, that had happened to me. It was really strange... because even when I found out that Fllay has died, I could still go on living. She had died... I loved her... yet I was okay with her death. It was like the part of me who loved her just died along with her, so that I could go on living." He paused and took a deep breath before continuing on.
"When I found out about Lacus' condition... how she got into a fatal accident... I didn't know what and why it happened. My heart suddenly felt as if it was just going to stop beating right at that moment. I felt as if... if Lacus died... then I would die too. It was really strange at that time... I thought that feeling was just because it was out of guilt... guilt because of those cruel things I've said to her..."
"... but soon, I found out that it wasn't out of guilt. I took me long enough to realize... that all along, the reason why I could get over Fllay's death was all because of her. I could get over it because I knew that she was there to be with me... to support me... I knew that someone was there all along to catch me, to support me when I'm just too tired to go on." He ran a hand through his tousled brown mane once again.
"Those thoughts then soon lead me to this one question about her..."
"Who is the one that will catch and support her when she falls or when she was too tired to go on?" asked Athrun. Kira nodded solemnly.
"Yes. It was that very question that I've always wondered about and tried to answer during most of my stays here. She was never the one to appeared troubled and all. She never asked for someone to help her when she's in trouble to dilemma. If anything, she would probably ask for help for someone else's sake. She had never showed her worries, anxiety, fear or even sadness over her own matters... she had only showed those for people around her."
"She worries so much about people around her and cares so much about others... that you would never worry about her. She always smiled and acted as if none of those things I told her about actually bothered or hurt her feelings, because I know it does."
"Kira..." said Cagalli as she tried to hold her own tears from falling. It hurt her so much to know that her brother was hurting so much yet she couldn't do anything to help him.
"She had always been the one like that, Kira. I should know about this... I've known her longer than you do." Said Athrun. "She never showed her tears to anyone. She never showed anyone anything but her smiles and cares... even at the sacrifice of her own happiness."
"Yeah... that's Lacus alright. Do you ever wonder what did I tell her before the accident?" asked Kira, whom without even bothering to listen for an answer to his question kept on going. "I told her that she was so selfish and never cared about anyone but herself. I told her that she wouldn't know how it felt like to lose someone precious to you... I told her that she never knew the meaning of loneliness. Worse of all, I told her that I hated her and I didn't want to see her ever again."
"That... was what you told her?" asked Cagalli in disbelief. Kira nodded curtly.
"You... YOU IDIOT!" yelled Cagalli in anger, all sadness dissipate immediately as she tried to pounce at her brother and beat the living hell out of him only to be prevented by Athrun's vice hold of her as she struggled to be released.
"I know... I was an idiot. I thought she would be okay with those things I said because it held some truth in them! She was never lonely. She has people around her showering her with attention. I guess... I was kind of jealous of her. I was jealous because she has people around her and yet I was alone... but you should've seen how she looked after I told her those things... I could see her mask breaking... and I finally saw what was underneath her mask. I couldn't believe what I saw... she... at that moment... she looked to lost... so scared... so hurt... and worst of all, she looked so betrayed."
"You know, Kira..." started Athrun.
"What?"
"Lacus... do you know that she... although many people loved her and showered her with attention... she was always lonely?" Fully contradicting his previous accusation of her, Kira hesitantly nodded. "No you don't." Stated Athrun.
"What do you mean by I don't?" asked Kira, barely hiding the anger in his voice.
"You don't... you just said you do, but in truth you don't. Lacus... she was always lonely ever since she was little. People around her never saw her as only 'Lacus Clyne.' They always see Lacus as 'Lacus the singer' or 'Lacus, daughter of Seigle Clyne'. None of them ever bothered to see her as just Lacus. She had no real friend... until you met her. You should see how she talked about you... you could see her glowing. She admired you... she loved you so much that she was willing to sacrifice her own safety."
"Her father died because of me right?" asked Kira.
"No. She and her father knew already about the risk of giving you Freedom... and they took it. Seigle didn't die because of you... he died for peace... for Lacus."
Kira slowly unclenched his fist, which he had been unconsciously clenched tightly during all of Athrun's talk. "I... could you two please leave in here for a while? I'll call you two if she wakes up." Said Kira to both Cagalli and Athrun.
"You probably won't be able to hear this... but... I'm sorry." said Kira after the two left the room.
"I'm sorry for being so selfish, for being so ignorant, and... for being such a self-centered brat that I am. I guess it was all because I was afraid... I was afraid to lose you."
Kira silently snorted to himself at that last sentence because of the truth contained in it. It was true, actually, it was more like a fact now. The main reason why he had acted and treated her that way was mainly he was afraid to lose her.
He acted that way because he knew that if he did, then Lacus would still stayed by his side to support him. He was afraid... that if for example Lacus knew that he was finally able to support himself without her help, then she would leave him alone.
He didn't want her to leave him...
He had known that fact a long time ago... since the day when he had let himself cried in front of her back when he was under her care at PLANT after his battle with Athrun. He knew right away... at the moment she comforted him, he didn't want to lose her to anything... to anyone.
Well, he knew that somewhat, it was really selfish of him... because in a way he wanted her all to himself. He wanted to manipulate her... wanted her to be with him alone.
However, not everything goes well... because before he even knew it himself, he had hurt her in more than one way possible... and he had hurt her in the cruelest way possible too.
He had thought that if he acted all depressed and moody, kept on thinking about Fllay and blamed himself for the deaths of people he was unable to protect, then Lacus would kept on standing by his side loyally to support him.
It was really too bad that his plan had gone overboard and backfired completely at him, and as the result, Lacus was emotionally hurt... or even scarred. Not only had he said that she was selfish and didn't know anything about other people's sadness, he had also told her that he hated her and did not want to see her any longer.
He inwardly scoffed to himself as he thought about the irony of the situation. Him, whom between both of them probably needed Lacus more that she needed him, had told her that he would rather die than to see her again.
"I'm so stupid... ne, Lacus?" asked Kira. "Me, of all the people in the world... had told you that I don't want to see you ever again." He paused for a while before continuing again. "Me, the one who needed you the most... do you know how ironic that was?" A bitter laugh echoed around the room after the rhetorical question was asked.
"... but Lacus, if you must know, you're actually the first person I've shown my tears to. That time, when we were still at the Archangel. You might not know it... but that moment, I was really grateful for your presence there. I was really desperate back then... I didn't want to kill... I didn't want to fight with Athrun but then, you came along. Your voice really brought me back to my senses... and made me realize something. You made me realize that sometimes... fighting is inevitable because you need to fight in order to protect the ones you love and care about and not just to survive."
"I learnt so much from you... from you, I learnt the true meaning and the true purpose of fighting. Who and whom should we fight against and for... and for what purpose do we fight for. I learnt to love again... I learnt that sometimes, being together with someone is much better than being alone." Finished Kira as the room fell in complete silence.
"Do you know how much power you have over me?" asked Kira all of the sudden, cutting through the silence in the room. "You probably won't know, ne? With the way I treated you and all, it'll be amazing if you do."
He paused for a while before continuing again. "Well, might as well tell you now... a bit futile, but that's okay. You're not supposed to hear this anyway."
"To put it in short sentence, Lacus, you are practically my lifeline, meaning that if you die, I don't think I'll be able to go on with life any longer... so I hope you would listen to my selfishness once again... please wake up, Lacus." Pleaded Kira. "It really tore me... to know that I can't do anything for you. Please... don't leave me alone in this world. I need you... please... this is probably my last wish... wake up. Come back to me."
Once again... tears were starting to trail down from his eyes. Kira quickly scolded himself as he wiped the tears from his eyes and watched Lacus silently while holding to her hand and rubbing circle at the back of her palm gently.
Minutes passed by agonizingly slow as it changed to hours, and still, there was no reaction from Lacus' comatosed figure.
Kira let out a sigh as he tucked in the hand he was holding into the cover and stood up. 'Maybe, today just isn't the day. Probably, no I'm sure it would be tomorrow. She will be awake tomorrow' thought Kira in determination as he stood up.
It wasn't even three steps away from the bed when a miracle happen...
... a miracle that brought great joy to him...
...
...
too bad he didn't know that with joy...
also came despair...
...
...
because they both come in a package known as miracle.
To be continued...