I spent four days lying on my bed in trauma and disbelief as I kept rewinding that moment in my mind.
Why the hell did she do that?
"I loved you..." I remembered her saying.How could I not notice the word loved?
I was looking out the window into the pouring rain when I heard the door squeak open and my mother came in.
"Wallabee…?" She called.
"What is it…?"
"Honey, it's lunch time"
"I'm not hungry…"
"You said the same thing at breakfast" She sat by my bedside, blocking my view of the window a little bit.
I ended up looking at her. "I'm still not hungry"
"You're growing skinny, sweetie"
"I'm still not hungry" I said in the exact same way as before.
I went back to watching the raindrops splashing on my window and ignored my mother's stare. She was gazing at me for a long time until she spoke again. "Are you ready to tell me everything?"
I looked at her. "What everything?"
"Everything about her" I rolled my eyes on impulse and she noticed. She stared at me a while again before speaking. "You know, you're not gonna get anything good out of hiding how you feel"
I lay quietly for a minute then said, "…I didn't get anything good out of letting it out either…"
"You told her?"
I nodded.
"What did she say?"
I gave her no response. But I can tell the she figured it out so she sighed sadly.
"She turned you down…?"
I still didn't respond and continued to focus on the rain. My mom ran her hand through my hair and gave me a peck on the temple.
"Are you sure you don't wanna eat? Joey's waiting for you downstairs. He wants to see his big brother"
The thought of Joey urged me to come downstairs. But it wasn't enough so I just shook my head.
"Okay" She said, "I'll be downstairs if you need me"
About half an hour after my mom left, I had another visitor. Joey came in my room but he didn't run in and jump on my bed like usual. Instead he slowly walked in, folded his arms on my bed and rested his chin on them. I stared back at him while he gazed at me.
"Can we go to the ice cream store?" He whispered.
"No"
"Why not?"
"I'm tired..."
"But you're always sleeping!"
"I'm still tired"
"Pleeeaaase?"
"No, Joey. I'm sorry"
"Why are you so sad?" He suddenly asked.
I didn't answer him.
"Is it because Kuki has a boyfriend?"
I have no idea how he came up with that but he's sure damn smart.
"You know what would make you feel better?" Joey smiled.
"…What…?"
"Ice cream!" He started poking my cheek,"Let's go get some"
Having no other choice, I got up and got dressed while my little brother jumped with joy.
"Why can't we stay in the ice cream store?" Joey asked me as we walked home.
"Because I'm still tired and I wanna go back to bed"
"But that's what you always do!"
"So? I still wanna go to bed, you little creep"
"You big mean doodoohead!"
Although I didn't show it, I felt a bit gleeful to hear Joey talk like that. He has the same spunk that I have. For a minute I was feeling less downhearted because my focus on Kuki was interrupted. But then something happened that made me more depressed.
"Hey look!" Joey pointed to the other side of the street.
When I looked at what he was pointing at the small amount bliss inside me disappeared. Across the street, Chad and Kuki were passing by. Seeing the smile on her face caused a combination of anger and agony to rise up within me. She was acting like nothing happened.
After breaking my heart, you just went back to enjoying your perfect life with your perfect boyfriend…
I stopped my pace to watch them pass by. Suddenly I found Kuki looking back at me and time slowed down when our eyes met. As I watched the smile on her face disappear, I felt nothing but anger. I tried to show it to her through my stare.
Go ahead…enjoy your perfect life…I turned around and continued to walk home with Joey but I still thought about her. There was only one thing I wanted to say to her.
I hate you…It was around seven-thirty that night when I was still lying on my bed and thinking about Kuki. I felt angry with myself.
I'm so stupid…stupid…!I buried my face into my hands. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to make myself suffer. Out of anger, I grabbed a pillow and threw it angrily on the floor. I started to think that I was incapable of feeling anything else. I dropped myself down and sat on the floor, leaning back on the side of my bed.
Why didn't I tell her? I had years to tell her but I didn't…I'm so stupid!All of a sudden I realized something that I've never even thought of before.
Why am I getting mad at myself? It's her fault too…she had feelings for me and she didn't tell me either. It's her fault too! What gives her the right to blame it all on me? Why am I the one suffering for all this?
I stood up and whispered to myself, "I'm not gonna go through all this for nothing…" So I took a jacket and went out the door.