I watched every little drop of my sweat hitting the ground as it dripped from my forehead. I was in the gym room of our house, sitting on a weight machine and leaning forward trying to rest. My whole body was sweaty and tired after a non-stop hitting on the punching bag. It was another gloomy day and the cloudy weather caused an extra shadowy touch in our house. It was like living in a dead home. Despite the dark atmosphere, my whole family seemed to be gleeful as usual. I was the only one who was feeling down. The thought of Kuki from last night made me desperate to find something, anything, to keep me busy. After helping my mother clean the whole house, helping my dad fix up his car and taking my brother to his karate lessons and bringing him home, I had nothing else to do. So I went to our gym, started working out and here I am two hours later, tired and sweaty yet still willing to go on. I removed my shirt which was soaked with sweat and threw it aside before standing up. Then, I took the boxing gloves and put them on and started to hit the punching bag repeatedly. For every hit, I felt the tiny drops of sweat flying off from my body. It was the same with the emotions inside me. Every punch released a bit of the anger and frustration. Despite my exhaustion, I continued to punch. I didn't care if I pass out. I just wanna let the pain out. "Wow, you're fast!" I stopped and turned around only to find Joey standing in the doorway. "Can I try?" He said. I watched him come up to the punching bag. Hardly able to reach it, he still attempted to punch it. And he kept punching and punching, trying to imitate how I did it. It has been twenty-one hours since my fight with Chad and Kuki and I have not felt good even once. But watching my little brother try to act tough and violent suddenly made me laugh. Without another word, I lifted him up and took him away from the punching bag.
"I wanna punch some more!" He said and I ignored him. I placed him on the couch and turned on the TV for him to watch. Then I went upstairs and took a shower. After that, I went back downstairs and watched cartoons with him. I was amazed at how such a tiny person could cheer me up in a blink of an eye.
"Are you alright?" I heard Joey ask me. I looked down at my side and saw his innocent blue eyes looking up at me.
"Why are you asking me that?"
"You look sad. Why are you sad?"
I turned back to the TV but I wasn't watching it. I was thinking. I knew that whatever I'd say would just confuse him. So I just gave him the simplest answer that I could. "I'm sad because I can't get what I want…"
I went back to watching the cartoons and I didn't even realize that he was staring at me. "Is it Kuki? Is it because she has a boyfriend?"
I stared at him for a minute, amazed at how smart he was. Suddenly, I asked him something that would've been stupid to ask a kid. "What do you think I should do…?"
"I think you should do everything you could to get what you want" He giggled.
Although he meant it as a joke, I took it seriously. "If I do that, I'd end up hurting her…"
"Maybe what you think you want isn't really what you want"
At first I gave no interest to what he said but as it registered into my mind, it made a huge impact on me. I sat up and turned to him and said, "You're too smart for your age, Joey…"
Just then the doorbell rang and I stood up to get the door. When I opened it, it was Hoagie.
"Hey buddy" He said simply.
"…Hi" I said. I felt awkward to see him because it reminded me of last night.
"Mind if I come in?"
"Uh…sure"
Hoagie came in and sat on an armchair. Meanwhile I took my seat on the couch.
"Hi Hoagie!" Joey said cheerfully.
"Hey Joe"
"It's not Joe. It's Joey!" Joey started pounding his little fists on Hoagie.
"Alright! Joey!" Hoagie said. After that Joey left us and went upstairs. "Damn, your little brother is a toughie"
"I know" I laughed a bit, "He kind of learns from me…"
There was a bit of silence for minute before Hoagie spoke again. "So…what's up?"
"I don't know. You're the one who came here. Do you have anything to tell me?"
"I was just checking up on you. Everyone's worried after what happened last night"
I gave him no response.
"What was that about?"
"…I just kinda lost myself"
"What do you mean?"
"You know…after the whole thing with Kuki…I just got mad and lost control…"
"Oh. So is it over between you two?"
"What are you talking about? Nothing even happened between us"
"That's not what I mean. I meant to say, is the whole situation over? Are you both gonna move on now?"
"…I don't know…Maybe she is"
Hoagie sighed and leaned back on the couch.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. It's just that…aren't you tired of all this?"
"All what…?"
"Walls…things are going too far for you…you've gotten drunk, you've smoked too much and now you're picking fights with guys who could easily beat you"
"Don't worry about it. I've stopped drinking, I've quit smoking and last night was just an accident. Everything will be fine" The moment I stopped talking, my own words repeated in my mind. Then I realized that I just lied. It was impossible for things to be fine.
"No offense but I find it hard to believe that things are gonna be alright any time soon"
"What do you mean?"
"It's just that you can be pretty intense and we're all worried about you, Beatles. Just do us a favor and get a hold of yourself"
I stared at him for a minute. I felt pretty disappointed at the thought of him thinking it was so easy. So I tried to explain it to him. "I wanna ask you something…"
"What is it?"
"You know that model plane that you love so much?"
"Yeah?"
"How would you feel if someone took that from you?"
"Pretty upset, I guess"
"Upset? That's all?"
"Yeah"
"Well how would you feel if you wanted to get that plane back more than anything else? But everyone is saying that the person who stole it from you deserves it more?"
"I guess that sucks…"
"That's right. It sucks. Now, I want you to hold on to that feeling and make it a million times worse"
"Okay...?"
"How I feel right now is worse than that"
"Okay, Wally. We know that you're hurt, but you can't let it corrupt you. Do you really wanna end up as a drunken violent smoker?"
"I told you, I'm getting better"
"We hope so…"
"…It's just that…It was bad enough when she didn't know about my feelings for her…."
He stayed silent as he listened.
"But to think that now she knows everything…and she chooses to ignore it…it hurts. And I can't even do anything to make myself feel better. I can't drink, I can't smoke. It's like the whole universe has dedicated its entire self to making me suffer"
"Wally, things always get worse when you drink and smoke. Believe me, things are better this way"
After a quiet moment, I lay down on the couch. I was tired of all this, physically and emotionally.
"So what are you gonna do about it?" Hoagie broke the silence.
"About what?"
"About Kuki? I mean you can't just pull her out of her relationship. You can't just get what you want"
Hearing Hoagie's words suddenly reminded me of what Joey said earlier. Maybe what you think you want isn't really what you want.
"Wally" Hoagie called and interrupted my thoughts.
"What do you think I want, exactly?"
"Huh?"
"Earlier, Joey told me that maybe I'm not sure of what I want from Kuki. What do you think I want?"
"I don't know…I mean, don't you want to be with Kuki?"
"That's what I thought at first too but…something just doesn't add up…"
Two days after my talk with Hoagie, I still remained clueless about my own desires. What do I want? What do I really want? I kept asking myself these questions as I took a walk around town. I've gotten tired of lying on my bed and I thought that fresh air might do me good. So far nothing has come up to me. I was still confused. I stopped my pace and sighed. When I lifted my head and looked around, I realized that I had walked further than I meant to. So I turned around and walked back home. Before I could even take a single step, I suddenly found myself jumping behind a tree. I was hiding from Kuki and Chad. They were walking down the sidewalk across the street. I couldn't face them after what happened last time so I just watched. It was strange. Just two days ago the same thing happened and I felt angry seeing Kuki smile. But now…it was completely different. Seeing the smile on Kuki's face made me happy. It made me feel painfully happy. It was then that I realized what I really wanted. I didn't want to force Kuki to be with me. I wanted her to be happy.