The next two days after the camping trip weren't so good for me. I kept thinking about Kuki. I kept wondering about how I feel towards her now. I've told myself a million times that I'm better of with Mushi. I still think that. Yet, I can sense this tiny hint of passion for Kuki buried deep down inside me.
What am I doing? I shouldn't be thinking about Kuki…I'm with Mushi now…Forget Kuki…
The door of my room opened and Mushi came in. "Hi!" She jumped on me. She kissed me for as second before pulling away to smile at me. I smiled back at her.
I should be thinking about you…and only you…you're my girlfriend…"Are you alright?" She asked me.
"Yeah" I said blankly. I watched her as she lay down beside me. Obviously, this wasn't the right time for another make out. So we just lay there quietly staring at the ceiling.
"Wally…?" She called softly.
"Yeah…?"
"What are you thinking?"
"Nothing important…"
"Oh…are we just gonna lie here all day…?"
"I dunno…"
The thick silence devoured the both of us once again. Our ridiculously dull conversation a few seconds ago made me think.
What are we gonna do after this? Make out again? Is that what we're going to do? Make out forever? Suck on each other's face of for the rest of our lives?
I sighed in disbelief.
My relationship with Mushi is nothing but make outs…it's senseless…Is this relationship going anywhere? Am I falling in love with her? I have to…it's the only way to forget about Kuki completely… Mushi sighed and sat up to face me. "We have to do something!" She said, "I'm bored!"I stared at her for a second as my thoughts roamed around my mind. Finally, I sat up and gave her the most passionate kiss we've ever had.
"Wow!" She breathed when I pulled away, "That was so random. But I liked it"
I stared at her blankly. That wasn't the reaction that I was hoping for.
"Are you okay?" She asked me.
"Fine…" I leaned back on the headboard of my bed. For a while I was looking down, thinking. And when I looked up at Mushi, I said, "Can I ask you something?"
"What is it?" She smiled.
I felt hesitant to speak for a second, but I gathered up my nerves. I had to ask her this. "…Do you love me…?"
The smile on her face was replaced by an expression of shock and worry. "W-why are you asking me that?"
"Just tell me your answer…"
"Um…uh…" The look of worry dominated over her face. I knew that she was worried about what to say.
"Don't worry about your answer, Mushi. I won't care no matter what you say"
"Well…uh…I can't say I do. I mean we had a deal, Wally. Our relationship can never get serious. You know that"
I looked away from her. "Oh…"
She was staring at me for a while, worried at what I might be thinking…or feeling… "Wally…?"
I looked back at her again. "Yeah?"
"You're not…in love with me or something…are you?"
"…No…"
Relief suddenly overcame her. She gave out a thankful sigh. "Why are you asking me how I feel then?"
"…No reason"
"Wally" She crossed her arms, "Seriously, tell me. Did you ask me because you want to do it or something?"
"Would you do it with me if I asked you to?" I smiled at her.
She hit me playfully and laughed, "I'm too young!"
"I know. I was just kidding"
"Good" A short moment passed by before she spoke again. "Seriously…why were you asking me that question…?"
"I was just wondering"
"Wondering about what?"
"If maybe it was possible for us to go further in our relationship. I mean we can't just make out for ever"
"But part of our deal was to break up if we found someone else"
"I know. But I didn't find anyone else. I only have you"
"So that's why you're wondering about our relationship?"
"Yeah…"
Mushi sighed and shrugged. "I'll be honest with you Wally. I really don't see us getting romantic or anything"
I stared at her as I continued to listen.
"I think we were meant to be just two people goofing around. I'm sorry but that's what I see when it comes to us"
I nodded at her and looked away. "It sucks to know that I can't be with the people I like…"
"People?" She repeated.
I looked back at her, wondering what she was thinking.
"Does this conversation by any chance involve Kuki?"
I continued to stare at her.
"Do you still love her?"
I shook my head. "No…I don't…"
"Oh"
"Besides, she and I weren't meant to be"
"Why would you say that?"
"Because she's meant to be with Chad. They're perfect for each other. Imagining them together is so easy and clear. When I imagine Kuki with me, it's all a blur…"
Mushi smiled at me. "It isn't a blur in my mind"
"…What do you mean…?"
"I can imagine the two of you together so easily…Kuki the innocent preppy girl with Wally the bad-ass rebel. It's really cute"
"You are aware of the fact that I'm your boyfriend, right? What the hell are you doing imagining me with someone else?"
"You're not my real boyfriend!"
I laughed a bit. "Mushi, when I said what I imagined was blur, I didn't just mean the compatibility. I meant the romance we have. What kind of lame ass love would that be?"
Mushi tilted her head and looked up. "I can still imagine you guys clearly. Hugging…kissing…it's really sweet"
I kept my eyes on her as she imagined us. Next thing I knew I was trying to see what she saw in her mind. Little by little the blurred image in my mind that I told her about started to clear up. It made me tremble all of a sudden.
"What's wrong?" Mushi said in alarm after seeing me shake.
"It was nothing…" I said.
"Okay…" She said, "So…what are you gonna do to get over Kuki?"
I looked at her, feeling shocked at what I just heard. I wasn't shocked at what she meant to say. I was shocked at how she said it. "You mean what I did to get over her…"
"That's what I asked you""No. You asked me what I'm gonna do to get over her"
"Oh…" She said with a bit of shock.
"Why would you say that?"
"Um…it's nothing to worry about, Wally. They're just words. They don't mean anything"
"…Right…You're completely right, they don't mean anything…"
"So," She continued, "what did you do to get over her? What did you do to your feelings?"
"Kinda like what you do to a photo when you want to forget about it. Hide it away…or burn it…get rid of it…"
"Oh…Don't you think…um…never mind…"
"What is it?"
"It's just that…when it comes to pictures…burning and hiding are practically the same. You can do either but it won't get rid of the meaning of the picture. It's still there"
I stared at Mushi for a second, trying to understand what she just told me. Before I could ask her about it, she spoke.
"I have to go. I'm meeting some friends" She smiled and gave me a peck on the lips, "See ya"
I spent the whole afternoon sitting in my room, thinking about what Mushi told me.
The metaphor with the picture…what did it mean…?I knew the answer the whole time but I didn't want to face it. It was obvious. Mushi was telling me that I still might have feelings for Kuki. It all adds up. I felt weak and scared to know that I may still love her. I didn't want to go back to that feeling. I didn't want to suffer again.
That's why I don't love Mushi…I'm only fond of her…I'm using my fondness for Mushi to cover up my feelings for Kuki…