Disclaimer: Happy New Year! The little cowboy hat on the poker table says that I don't own Harry Potter, but I find him to be an unreliable source. Unfortunately, my cat backs up his assessment. Oh well…

AN: If anyone was wondering where I'm getting the Latin from, the site is http:www.sunsite.ubc.ca / LatinDictionary/. Just take out the spaces between the slashes. The program runs on Java, so you'll need that on your computer to use it. If you don't have Java or if you're looking for a more detailed list, another excellent site is cgi-bin/ lookdown.pl?room. Thanks to SmellyCat-190 for pointing this out.

Chapter Two: Hairy News

On June 29th, a fascinating news story came out in a small back section of The London Times.

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Lunatic Zoo Family Remanded to Care of Relative

Due to the harsh overcrowding of England's insane asylums, more and more crazy people are being allowed into the custody of their relatives for care. One such family is the Dursleys, formerly of Number 4 Privet Drive, Surrey. They are perhaps best known for their mysterious disappearance last Christmas and subsequent reappearance at the London Zoo shortly after New Year's Day.

They were originally housed in the Greensborough Sanitarium where, sources say, their progress was non-existent. "Despite resorting to high-voltage shock therapy, none of the three Dursleys made any significant steps toward recovery," says one source. "We had held out hope that Petunia Dursley was becoming more lucid, but she simply began insisting upon the existence of wizards and magic. Further, she claimed she was chased around the house on Christmas Eve by a chainsaw wielding Santa Clause who changed her into a donkey using a vial of blue liquid."

The three Dursleys have been remanded to the care of Marge Dursley, Vernon Dursley's sister and a world-renowned breeder of bull dogs. The hope is that familiar surroundings will sew together the fragmented remnants of their sanity.

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Harry gritted his teeth at the mention of his Aunt Marge. "Oh if only she had been visiting on Christmas!"

Sirius and Remus shared a look. "I take it you don't like Marge Dursley, either?" The werewolf asked curiously.

Harry pitched his voice to a near-perfect imitation of the fat woman's tone. "Bad blood will out. Now, I'm saying nothing against your family, Petunia, but your sister was a bad egg. They turn up in the best families. Then she ran off with a wastrel and here's the result right in front of us." The two Marauders eyes went red. "That was her speech when she visited last summer," Harry continued normally. "I've still got scars on my legs from where her bull dog Ripper bit me."

Remus leaned over to whisper in Sirius's ear. "Harry's birthday is coming up, Padfoot."

Sirius smirked evilly. "I was wondering what to get him…" he whispered back.

"What are you two whispering about?" Harry asked suspiciously.

The two smiled brightly at him. "Nothing at all, Harry. Nothing at all."

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For Harry's birthday, he was kidnapped and blindfolded.

"Um…guys?" Harry was a bit worried. He loved his Godfathers dearly, but he'd seen what their minds were capable of coming up with. "Where are you taking me?"

He could hear the smirk in Padfoot's voice. "It's a surprise, Harry. Just sit back and enjoy the ride."

"So we're in a car?"

"I borrowed Arthur Weasley's invisible flying car for the occasion," Moony answered.

"We're in an invisible flying car?! Well, I guess I really don't want to look out the windows then."

Sirius answered. "Actually, it's only invisible to people looking at it from the outside. From inside the car, you can even see the birds hitting the windshield." This was punctuated by a loud thud.

"You'd think they would be able to tell that something was in the air in front of them by a change in the dynamics of the wind currents…" Remus mused.

"Maybe you should honk at them?" Harry suggested.

Sirius muffled "Nerds!" with a cough.

"Are you getting sick, Siri?" Moony's voice was chock full of innocence. "I'll have to dose you with castor oil when we get home."

Harry could hear the panic in Padfoot's voice. "NO! I mean, I'm fine Moony! Really!"

Harry and Remus snickered for the rest of the ride.

Unfortunately for the car, Sirius was driving. Harry thought he could hear the tailpipe falling off as they landed. ("Um, Siri," Remus said worriedly," I think you might have lost something on the landing…" "Nonsense, Remmy. Harry's still in the car!") When the blindfold was removed, Harry saw a large victorianesque house with a stable beside it.

"Not to be a spoilsport or anything, but I have no idea where we are."

Sirius and Remus smirked at each other. "You will." Remus pulled out his wand while Sirius opened the trunk and removed a small bag. A large shape was now standing in the doorway of the house. "Now, Harry, I want you to remember that violence is not the answer," Remus said as he headed toward the front door.

Sirius reached into the bag as he added, "But sometimes it makes a great birthday present!" He pulled out ten giant crabs. "Fly my pretties! Fly!...I mean crawl…or scuttle…or whatever it's called…" The skittered off toward the stables as Sirius tucked the empty bag into a pocket and pulled out his own wand. Harry followed closely on his heels.

The large shape was Marge Dursley, and she looked close to apoplexy. "WHAT ARE THOSE MONSTROSITIES YOU SENT AGAINST MY DOGS?!" Harry could tell the exact moment when she recognized him. "HOW DARE YOU COME HERE, BOY, AFTER ABANDONING YOUR FAMILY TO AN ASYLUM! YOU'RE PROBABLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR CONDITION IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!"

Remus raised an eyebrow at Harry. "Does she always talk in capital letters?"

"Sometimes she uses italics or underlining."

Sirius shot a silencing spell at her. "Ah blissful quiet!" Then he turned the front door into a potato chip. "Mmmm, crispy…" Marge Dursley passed out, and on the way down, she took out her prized collection of Friends memorabilia. Sirius took a few bites out of the door while Remus set to work.

"What are you doing?" Harry was staring in disbelief.

"I'm giving her extensive hair growth that's resistant to shaving and placing a few charms on her to make people notice her. Hopefully, people will think she's a yeti." Remus said as he enlarged her feet.

"That's cool, but I was referring to Padfoot eating the door."

"Sirius!! Stop that!"

Sirius blinked and swallowed. "Wow, Moony. I didn't know you could talk in bold…" Petunia Dursley came down the stairs, squeaked in terror, and ran back up them.

Harry frowned, "I thought she would have them locked up or something." He wandlessly changed a credenza into a giant wax figure of Barry Manilow. Remus shot him an odd look before applying green nail polish to the yeti's fingers.

"Come on, Harry," Sirius was smiling in a way that was oddly disturbing. "Let's go see how the crabs are faring."

It looked like a war zone.

But that was mostly because the crabs had on green bulletproof helmets, circa 1917. The dogs were wearing combat gear and backed into a corner behind some bales of hay. When the two arrived, they were fixing bayonettes onto their chew toys. Harry and Sirius backed out noiselessly.

"Somehow I think we weren't supposed to see that," Harry said faintly. Sirius nodded, eyes wide. "We'll just peek in one more time to make sure we weren't hallucinating."

The crabs had taken the dog's bayonettes and were making the poor mutts act out scenes from Carmen.

Harry and Sirius ran for the house. "REMMY!!!"

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Harry's first birthday party was held in the (no longer bright orange) dining hall of Black Manor two hours later. The tailpipe had be reaffixed to Mr. Weasley's car, Marge Dursley had been set loose in New York City's Central Park, her front door was no longer a potato chip (though it did have several chunks missing that highly resembled bite marks), Greensborough Sanitarium had been contacted to pick up the rest of the Dursleys, the crabs had been transfigured into rubber balls, and Harry and Sirius were coping with what they saw by claiming it was a mass hallucination.

The party was a complete success featuring all of Harry's friends, several highly useful presents, and a giant chocolate cake that tasted suspiciously like seafood.

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Dursleys' Caretaker Missing!

Bite Marks and Barry Manilow Found at Scene

Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley Dursley are quickly becoming one of the most renowned families in Britain because of the continuous string of oddities that surrounds them. The London Times reported in June that they were remanded to the care of Vernon's sister Marge due to the overcrowding of public asylums. Now they are back in Greensbourough Sanitarium once more, and their caretaker is missing under a set of highly suspicious circumstances.

Marge Dursley was reported as missing after the Greensborough Sanitarium received a call saying that the Dursleys were not being properly cared for and that Ms. Dursley had taken a trip to New York City while leaving the three unattended. The call could not be traced, and the British airline industry has no record of a Marge Dursley booking a flight to anywhere in the past six months. All attempts to track down Ms. Dursley have failed.

There are, however, clues as to what may have happened to the missing woman. The front door of Ms. Dursley's house had several holes in it that were later identified as bite marks, and neighbors identified an addition to her house that they placed as being added sometime within the three days before the phone call: a wax statue of Barry Manilow. Attempts to find the credenza that previously stood in place of the statue were unsuccessful. Of further interest was a smashed pile of what looked to be commemorative plates from the American sitcom, Friends.

One source has this theory: "We believe that Marge Dursley was the first victim of a serial killer. This killer murdered her, stuffed her in the credenza, and hid it. His calling card it the wax statue of Barry Manilow. We also believe he eats doors."

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Yeti Spotted in Central Park!

Yesterday, a Yeti was seen by more than fifty witnesses at the southern entrance to Central Park. It is believed that the monster was attacking the hotdog stand. A net of SWAT Teams armed with tranquilizer darts will be sweeping the park today, attempting to catch it. For more information on Yeti's and the legends surrounding them, see page 9.

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Central Park Yeti is Hairy Missing Woman!

The Yeti that terrorized Central Park is not a Yeti at all. It is a missing English woman by the name of Marge Dursley. Ms. Dursley's discovery is only the latest link in a series of highly unusual events that have taken England by storm.

The trouble started on Christmas Day of last year when Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley Dursley were reported as missing from their home. The house in question was demolished and covered in elephant dung and a walrus, hippo, and donkey were found in a pen behind the wreckage.

The three animals were removed and placed in the London Zoo where they stayed until January 6th. At that point, the three animals disappeared, and the three Dursleys were found in their respective cages. The animals remain missing.

The Dursleys were placed in Greensborough Sanitarium. They were quickly labeled as hopeless cases, and by June 29th, they had been released to the care of Vernon's sister Marge. Ms. Dursley cared for them until sometime between July 29-31st, when an anonymous call informed the Greensborough Sanitarium that she had flown to New York City. Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley Dursley are reported as being back in the custody of the Sanitarium.

No record of Ms. Dursley's flight was found.

Ms. Dursley is reported as being in critical mental condition. "She insists that someone changed her front door into a potato chip and unleashed a horde of giant crabs upon her prize bulldogs," one source says. "Judging from the conditions of her relatives, we believe that insanity may run in the Dursley family and exposure to her unstable relatives triggered latent psychotic aspects within herself. Her extreme hair growth could be caused by an influx of hormones supplemented with some form of hair loss treatment."

Ms. Dursley is being flown back to England where it is believed that she will be placed in an asylum for treatment.

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GEEZ LOUISE! THAT'S A LOT OF REVIEWS! I'm awed. I'm inspired. I'm putting up FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS of my money that says I know more than you! Um…disregard that last part. There was a Win Ben Stein's Money marathon on last night and a Monty Python marathon on today. Needless to say, my brain has short circuited. Thanks so much for all of the reviews! They make me feel so appreciated!!

Anyway, sorry about the delay, guys. I got dragged on an unexpected family vacation. –shudders- The next chapter is going to be something of an experimental format for me. I'll give you a little hint: Harry, Hermione, and Draco have been working on a summer project that jumps through a few loopholes and is only a shade away from illegal –mainly because no one else has thought of doing it yet-.

Signeus: Thanks for the offer. :-) Um…did you know you left the part after the off of your email address? Anyway, I doubt I'll get writer's block anytime soon. There's a Monty Python marathon on all this weekend on BBC America. Add that to the Simpsons season five DVD and a large case of Mountain Dew, and you have a great recipe for inspiration. –Gives out giant crab-

meehanium: Actually, I don't smoke anything. (Hard to believe, I know.) But I hear that sage incense creates a very pleasant and clean smell when burned. :) -Gives out giant crab-

evil manda: Whoo-hoo! My insanity's improving! (blinks) Hmmm, excuse me. I have to go run from the orderlies now. -Gives out giant crab-

Night-Owl123: -sigh- I wish rubber ducks could replace the postal service. I find that rubber toys brighten up any day…unless their dropping incendiaries. Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. –Gives out giant crab-

crazy-lil-nae-nae: Is it a bird cage or a hamster cage? If at all possible, I'd like to be locked up in Fort Knox (wouldn't we all?). Now that I'm a muse, does that make me a god? :) Bow down and worship the caged muse, peons! (Okay, I'm having way too much fun with this concept…) -Gives out giant crab-

evil older sister: Thanks! -blinks and rushes to check books- You know, you're right. She is in Ravenclaw in the cannon… Oh well, fortunately I already labeled this story as AU to take care of both the plotline and any bone-headed mistakes I might make! (And I'm sure there are many more to come!) Besides, she has to have some Gryffindor in her to date Percy. :-) -Gives out giant crab-

Lady Melime Alasse: Thanks! Don't you just hate it when aardvarks review stories?! Poor little homeless rubber ducky…oh well, more for me! I happen to love quacks. This comes in very handy since I am one. :) -Gives out giant crab-

nightstone131302: Oooohhh! A butterfly!! What kind? Are you rare? Would you be terribly put out if I pinned you to a display board? Oh, wait a minute…I collect miniature clocks, not butterflies. I always get those two confused. :-) -Gives out giant crab-

athenakitty: I am so sorry! I don't know how I managed to get your name onto the answer list and forget to write a reply! If it makes you feel any better, I had one worked out in my head… Actually, Harry and Draco have something better than pictures: pensieve! I doubt Hedwig's going to return to the story, though. For some reason, I have a strange habit of forgetting pets and remembering their existence later in a story when they are supposed have done something. Rubber duck post is much easier to deal with! Hmmm…chocolate cheesecake… What was I doing? Incidentally, are you sure you meant Phaedera in your last review? I looked, but the only interpretation I could find for the name from mythology was Minos's daughter and the step-mother to some guy whose name escapes me at the moment. Anyway, my apologies. –Gives out rubber duck and giant crab-

Isis's Rose: Wow! I wish I could send my thighs to Portland or anywhere other than my legs! I'll see if I can't work in a Civil War scene, but I doubt it will actually take place at a dinner party. (Grins and restrains herself from giving out hints) -Gives out giant crab-

Shadowface: I wonder if reviews that have that much fire in them count as flames? If so, congratulations! You're my first flame! -Hands you flaming kabob a la' poodle- Personally, I've always thought that Pinky was the genius. Most of the genius's I've met seem mentally challenged until you get them into their area of expertise (and they aren't 'idiot savants' either). Brain has to be nuts to come up with most of those schemes, but it's likely that he is also a genius. Why does Ringo Starr have a hole in his pocket? I'm sure he can afford new pants… (yawns and glances at clock) I shouldn't reply to reviews so late at night. I'm sure I'm missing something obvious. –Gives out giant crab-

Blackedout: I didn't know cabbages could disguise themselves as people. (goes out and napalms garden) That should keep those uppity plants from getting any ideas! Thanks for reviewing! -Gives out giant crab-

Smiley Face3: Thanks! I love long reviews! You'll notice everything gets explained gradually, but the Marauders' history during the original defeat of Voldemort doesn't get into any detail until Year Three. Actually, I love random stories! I'm definitely going to have to read that one! Anything with walking potato in the title has to be good! You're right though, I have been neglecting the other Greek gods. Ate's character has a tendency to eclipse them (she's my favorite, as if anyone hadn't noticed). :-) -Gives out giant crab-

SmellyCat-190: Thanks! Actually, I've been meaning to post that link. Thank you for reminding me! It's at the top in the author's note, so all you have to do is take out the spaces. Also, the program runs in Java, so you have to have that on your computer. If you don't though, just use the second site. It runs entirely online, so you don't have to worry about having a particular program on your computer. –Gives out giant crab-

momma-dar: Thanks! I'll try to keep my bar high (that position has the added advantage of keeping my clutzy self from tripping on it!). –Gives out giant crab-

Shadowed Rains: Holy cow! You sound just like me after the Monty Python marathon! Did you steal my brain? (I'll avoid the obvious puns so I don't have to hit myself for saying them!) :-) -Gives out giant crab-