Disclaimer: There are strands of nylon on my cat. I think she may have eaten the UPS delivery man. In other news, I don't own anything which I don't own. Welcome to Chapter Three.
AN: I noticed that the second link to a Latin source didn't fully transfer when I posted, so I'll try again. http:www. archives. nd. edu/ cgi-bin/ lookdown. pl Just remove the spaces. Like I said, this is a really detailed site if you're looking up the nuances of Latin words.
Whee!-letters from Harry
Whee!-letters from Hermione
Whee!-letters from Draco
Whee!-letters from anyone else
Chapter Three: Lettered Cheese
Harry,
Are you bored yet? The dinner party was fun and all, but I really miss using my wand! It's completely unfair that you can use wandless magic while the more attractive elements of society –namely me- are forbidden from using magic outside of school (and, of course, outside of Malfoy Manor). I want to hex people in public! Stupid ministry! They just had to pass bloody laws against making your wand untraceable! Any ideas?
Draco
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Draco,
HA! HA! I can use magic and you can't! (Except of course that the ministry can't trace magic use in Malfoy Manor…) And who said you're more attractive than me?!
That said, what is the exact law on making wands untraceable?
Mischievous Mackerel
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Hermione,
What are the exact laws on making wands untraceable?
I promise I'm not doing anything illegal. Trust me…
Draco
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Harry,
What are you and Draco up to? And don't say you don't know anything because where Blondie goes, you inevitably follow (or lead)! He just sent me a letter asking on the exact laws against making untraceable wands.
Hermione
P.S. Where's Hedwig? And why am I replying by rubber duck?
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Draco,
The law states:
No witch or wizard will endeavor by any potion, charm, or spell to hide the magical signature of a wand from the Ministry of Magic.
Furthermore, the law against Underage Magic states:
Any person under the age of 17 shall not use any form of magic outside of the course of the regular school year except in cases of extreme emergencies.
Your reassurance that you aren't going to do anything illegal wasn't very reassuring, but if you find a loophole, let me know. I'll help!
Hermione
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Hermione,
Draco wants to use magic outside of school, so we're looking for loopholes in the laws. You know, 'Mione, loopholes make things not illegal… Want to help us?
Hedwig left me for a man named Bob because Rumples and Jinx wouldn't stop biting her. I'm having to possess rubber ducks to deliver my post.
Ducky Deliverer
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Mischievous Mackerel,
I've enclosed a copy of the laws against hiding magical signatures and underage wizardry. I think we could manage something if we bought off the ministry. What do you think?
Prince of Slytherin
P.S. I said I'm more attractive than you! And a vast majority of the rest of the world agrees with me!!
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Prince of Slytherin,
After reviewing the enclosed laws and your letter, I feel compelled to remind you that bribery is also illegal. However, I may have found a better solution. Nowhere in the laws does it say that you can't change the magical signature of your wand to someone else's signature. For instance, someone over seventeen. Possibly someone that commands great respect. Someone that we can easily access nine months out of every year. Someone we could frame for things if we wanted to… Do you see where I'm going with this?
By the way, if you're the prince of Slytherin, does that make me the king? And have you surveyed the entire world? I think you just made that up!
Confused Cabbage
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Hermione,
We've found a loophole in the law. Do you know of any ways to make someone's magical signature change to someone else's?
Devious Doogie
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Harry,
WHAT IN THE WORLD IS A DOOGIE?!
That said, there isn't currently a way to do that. You're right though. It is a nice loophole, but I suspect it's only because no one's ever tried it before.
In the past, people used a potion called Devos Veritas to hide their magical signatures completely. See Banned Brews and Illegal Incantations for a full list of ingredients. I suspect that the changing of a few key ingredients might create the desired effect. I'll research and see what I can find. I've sent a similar reply to Draco, and he's looking into it too.
Hermione
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Hermione,
A doogie is a bloated antelope.
Harry
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Harry,
Yes, you are a devious bloated antelope. Have some Windex.
Hermione
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Confused Cabbage,
I am the Prince of Slytherin. That makes you an ice cream truck.
I think if we combined a Polyjuice Potion with the Devos Veritas potion and altered it to remain permanent, we might be able to pull this off. Incidentally, you were talking about itchy underpants, weren't you?
Ice Cream Conglomerate
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Draco Malfoy,
Surrender your Gouda, and no one gets hurt.
Melvin, The Enchanted Cheese Wheel
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Harry,
Did you just send me a letter signed by an enchanted cheese wheel?
Draco
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Draco,
No. I'm looking into the Polyjuice blend, though. Is something wrong?
Harry
P.S. Yes, I meant itchy underwear. Instead of an ice cream truck, can I be the taste-tester?
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Draco Malfoy,
This is your last warning. Do not force me to send in a legion of Limburger!
Melvin, The Enchanted Cheese Wheel
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Hermione…
Oh, never mind.
We're trying to blend the Polyjuice Potion with Devos Veritas. Any ideas on how to make the whole thing permanent?
Draco
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Draco Malfoy,
Prepare to be annihilated! The cheddar is coming! THE CHEDDAR IS COMING!!!
Melvin, The Enchanted Cheese Wheel
P.S. The cheddar is coming!
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Draco,
I think the best way to make the changes permanent is to add in dragon blood from a Chinese Fireball. It should also make it resistant to any tampering-detection charms. What were you going to ask me?
Hermione
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Draco,
Are you alright? Why haven't you answered my letter?
Harry
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Harry,
Sorry about that. Malfoy Manor is covered in two feet of melted cheddar cheese, and there's limburger all over the front gate. Don't ask.
I had Severus check over the enclosed potion instructions, and he said it wouldn't kill anyone or blow anything up. I think we should try this when we get back to Hogwarts. I've sent a copy to Hermione, too.
We're going to Diagon Alley for school supplies on August 22nd. Do you want to meet there?
Draco
P. S. You can be a taste-tester if you really want to, but the delivery of ice cream had better remain prompt. –wiggles finger menacingly-
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Draco,
YEAH! ICE CREAM TESTER!! My life's ambition has been met. How's your level of contentment? Would you like a pamphlet on Ice Creamitology?
Why is your manor covered in cheese?! Wait, don't answer that. I want to see your face when you explain it!!
On a side note, the potion list looks good. Complicated, but good. I assume we'll be buying the necessary ingredients in Diagon Alley? (Frankly, I don't want to break into Snape's supply cabinet. He may like us, but that only means he'll cast a numbing charm before he skins us alive…)
Harry the Flying Widget
P. S. The 22nd is fine. –laughs as Rumples attacks wiggling finger-
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Draco,
Are you sure you're feeling alright? Are there spaces in your memory that you can't account for? Have you been seeing things that no one else has?
The potion looks good. Did he say if it would work or not?
I'll be in Diagon Alley. Let's buy the potions supplies while we're there. Unless, of course, YOU have a death wish…
Hermione
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It is astonishingly difficult to write a long chapter filled with letters, so I doubt I'm going to be doing something like that again anytime soon. Tell me how you think it turned out! And does anyone think that Melvin the Enchanted Cheese Wheel should be a returning character? -grins and looks at next chapter- I sure hope so! Also, who do you think is the most attractive: Harry, Draco, or any other character that has appeared thus far? I'm curious, and I'll probably use the results in something later on. -suppresses another evil grin-
Shadowface: That's a very valid point! However, my cat can usually destroy my highly complicated charcoal drawings in under five seconds, though this may be because I'm an idiot and leave them on flat surfaces while I'm working on them… (pats you soothingly on the head) Yes, you're a very complicated person. I humble myself before your multitude of personality quirks. –Gives out block of cheddar-
crazy-lil-nae-nae: MEEP! (Hides behind a large piece of furniture) Can't I just contort myself instead of getting chopped up? (Tries to find army of cheese, remembers she melted them…) Okay…I have a beet, and I'm not afraid to use it! Anyway, I'm glad to know that my story appeals to the Bipolar Howler Monkey demographic. :) -Gives out a block of unarmed cheddar-
Shadowed Rains: Wow! A cult of giant crab worshippers! Can I join?! Ni! Yes, you must go out into the world and write humor! But not too sane! (Stares at the box…) Nice box! Thank you, by the way! -Gives out block of cheddar-
nightstone131302: Hehe! Bob the crab! (For some reason, I've always been amused by the name Bob.) Poor Mr. Squechy… -Gives out pair of crab clamps- That should help with the pincers! A monarch butterfly…pretty! -gives out block of cheddar-
evil older sister: I can't tell you how flattered I am! Your epiphany managed to get almost all of my favorite quotes from this story. Another personal favorite of mine is, "Draco Malfoy, surrender your gouda, and no one gets hurt! Melvin, the Enchanted Cheese Wheel". –Gives out block of cheddar-
Signeus: I really appreciate the offer, but I usually don't collaborate very well… The last time I tried it, I drove my partner nuts! (And that was only on a one page short story!) Here's your giant missile launcher! -Gives out giant missile launcher with leather strap and block of cheddar-
athenakitty: Scarily enough, there wasn't a god controlling the crabs. They were doing that all by their little selves. If the Dursleys and Marge get out of the sanitarium, I plan to have a bit more fun with them! (In the best of taste of course…mmmmm….chocolate covered cherries…Sorry, got a bit distracted by a Christmas present.) -Gives out block of cheddar-
smartchic: Thanks! I recommend covering the walls, floors, and ceilings with body pillows like they do in the happy place! (Sees white van pull up in yard) Speaking of which… -Gives out block of cheddar-
Night-Owl123: -grins- Sadly, they just pop into my head while I'm writing. The nice people in white coats tell me that's a bad sign, but I rather enjoy it! Glad you like it, too! -Gives out package of Zataran's and block of cheddar-
Lady Melime Alasse: Hey! I say that too!!! It's so nice to know someone out there agrees with me! -Gives out block of cheddar, large box of assorted chocolates, and fluffy white Persian kitten- The kitten is guaranteed to look angelic, act cuddly, and bat at your finger when you shake it! Those are my personal standards for perfect cats.
Blackedout: (Looks at introduction to Principia Discordia) I think I just found a new source of inspiration! Hail Eris! Thanks! –Gives out block of cheddar-
Smiley Face3: I loved the story! I even left a review at the end of it saying so! You should really finish it…maybe the walking potato can lead an army of vegetables to word domination and subjugate the consumers? Or Ron could be possessed by the ghost of a giant ham who wants revenge on Hogwarts for putting grape jelly on it? Thanks! That's one of my favorite lines too. –Gives out block of cheddar-
CuriousKitty: Thanks! I aim to please! (I also aim for packages of ketchup, but that's a different story.) -Gives out block of cheddar-
YamiRose: DarkElementalGoddess: First off, let me just say, I LOVE YOUR NAME!! I don't know what a Yamirose is, but it sounds so cool!! Thanks for reviewing! -Gives out block of cheddar-