Disclaimer: Have you ever noticed how people in shampoo commercials flip their hair around all over the place? I wish someone would do that in a toupee commercial…or a commercial where the person is surrounded by waterfalls of glue! By the way, I don't own Harry Potter.
Also, I don't own any of the quotes I borrowed from Chapter Four of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
AN: The poll is still on-going, not to mention tied. I really need a winner, even if it is by one vote! For everyone who forgot what the poll was about, it's "who do you think is the most attractive: Harry, Draco, or any other character that has appeared thus far?"
Chapter Four: Say Cheese!
When Harry spotted Draco in Diagon Alley, the blonde was being followed by a 3' tall floating cheese wheel wearing an overcoat and sunglasses. Mr. Malfoy kept glaring daggers over his shoulder at the offending cheddar. Behind him, Harry could hear Sirius and Remus laughing.
"Draco, there's a cheddar impersonating Dick Tracy behind you."
The blonde blinked at Harry. "Who's Dick Tracy?"
"Nevermind." The cheese had stopped behind Draco and seemed to be watching the pedestrians suspiciously. "Who's the cheese?"
Lucius muttered something under his breath that shouldn't be heard among polite company. Draco glanced at him and spoke instead, "This is Melvin, the Enchanted Cheese Wheel. He's my new pet!"
"WHO SENT A LEGION OF LIMBURGER AND AN ARMY OF BLOCKS OF CHEDDAR TO DESTROY THE MANOR!" Lucius roared. People walking by glanced at him, questioned his sanity, and then decided that even if he was insane, he was still a Malfoy. Then they hurried away.
"Father, we're in public," Draco whispered. Lucius took a deep breath and visibly forced himself to calm down. He sent a death glare at any pedestrian that dared to look at him.
"So that's why your house is covered in cheese…" Harry looked over Melvin once more.
Draco nodded. "Melvin was recruiting gouda for an attempt at world domination." The blonde grinned evilly and pulled a cheese grater out of his pocket. "If he disobeys me…" He made grating motions with his hand. Melvin seemed to shrink back from him.
Remus piped up from behind Harry. "That still doesn't explain why he's wearing that outfit." The werewolf was obviously fighting back chuckles.
Draco gave him a 'duh' look. "It's a disguise."
Harry tried to remain standing. "Oh."
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After a quick visit to Gringotts, Sirius and Remus had taken Lucius to the Leaky Cauldron for a much needed drink, leaving Harry and Draco to gather their school supplies. Knowing their time was limited, the two headed first to the apothecary with Melvin still following them. While they were there, they met Hermione and explained the Cheese Situation.
"What I don't understand," the witch said as they ate ice cream from Florean Fortescues later that afternoon, "is how the cheese wheel became enchanted in the first place."
I was born in the town of Kraft in the wilds of North America, Melvin began. There I was placed into a large truck with others of my kind to be shipped off and killed at an unknown destination. Violin music began playing mournfully in the background. After a little while, the truck driver got into an accident with a bus full of Cher impersonators, and I found myself rolling down a dangerous and rocky mountain. I landed in a magical stream near the bottom of the mountain, where another truck had recently crashed and was leaking glowing green fluids of an obviously magical nature. The music began swelling with power. I came, from that hallowed river, into full consciousness and dubbed myself MELVIN, THE ENCHANTED CHEESE WHEEL!!!
The patrons of the ice cream shop looked at the shouting cheese and quickly turned back to their meals.
"So you're not really enchanted," Hermione said as she processed the cheese's story. "You're radioactive."
Draco and Harry shared a look. "COOL!"
"Will you still think it's cool when your hair starts falling out from radiation poisoning?" Hermione asked. Draco gasped and checked his hair. It was still there, but the blonde sent off the cheese wheel anyway.
The three watched Melvin sullenly float away. "I wonder where he's going…" Harry said softly.
Draco shrugged. "I'm sure there's a refuge for radioactive mutant cheese wheels with megalomaniac tendencies somewhere." Harry and Hermione just stared.
"Let's go get our books…" Hermione suggested, still shooting disbelieving glances at the blonde.
There was a huge crowd lined up in front of Flourish and Blotts under a banner proclaiming:
GILDEROY LOCKHART
will be signing copies of his autobiography
MAGICAL ME
today 12:30pm to 4:30pm
Hermione's eyes seemed to light up like fluorescent cave moss. "We can actually meet him! I mean, he's written almost the entire booklist."
"Yes, and he's an absolute ninny," Lucius said as he walked up behind them. Sirius and Remus nodded in agreement.
"We're the founding members of The Society to have Literary Idiots Declared Mentally Incompetent." Remus was grinning in a way that was only half-joking. "We're called SLIDMI for short." The large crowd of what were apparently middle-aged women turned to glare at the werewolf.
Fortunately, Lockhart's honor wasn't worth losing their places in line.
Harry looked at the crowd worriedly. "Do we really have to go in there? And if we do, can Ate turn them all into rabbits first?"
Hermione nudged him. "Remember Monty Python and the Holy Grail?"
"Okay, then…cauliflower."
Remus shook his head, smiling. "You can't turn people into cauliflower just because they look like they're going to kill you." The werewolf blinked. "There was something very wrong with that statement… Okay, you can't turn people into cauliflower unless they actually try to kill you."
"In that case, though, I would recommend one of the squishier vegetables so you can throw it at people you don't like," Sirius added. Remus and Lucius whacked him on the head and made their way into the bookshop. Padfoot glared after them. "That wasn't very nice! Well, c'mon kids! Into the lion's den!"
"Reassuring, isn't he?" Draco and Harry nodded.
Inside the shop, they found Ron and the twins hiding among the Quidditch books. The three were starting to look a little claustrophobic. Hermione had snuck forward to have a closer look at Lockhart as Sirius snuck off to bother Remus.
"Hi guys," Fred and George said.
Ron grinned. "Mum's in line with Ginny, our little sister. Both of them fancy that fellow!" The three red-heads shook their heads sadly and clucked their tongues. "Poor dad…"
"Poor dad what?" A middle-aged red haired man poked his head around the corner of a book shelf.
"Nothing, father!" Fred-or George-said innocently. The twins grabbed Harry, Draco, and Ron and pulled them toward Molly Weasley.
"Oh, there you are, good," said the breathless Mrs. Weasley. "Hello, dears, so nice to meet you. We'll be able to see him in a minute." She kept patting her hair, which the twins had just laced with baby powder. Little clouds of dust formed behind her as she moved.
Beside her were Hermione and an eleven year old red-headed girl. The girl took one look at Harry and turned the color of her hair. Lockhart came into view. "Ginny, this is Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy."
The little man taking pictures of Lockhart squeaked then yelled out, "It can't be Harry Potter!" He dived forward through the parting crowd and forcibly placed Harry next to blue-clad buffoon. Ate help! Harry shouted mentally.
He could feel the goddess grinning in the back of his mind. Leave it to me!
"Nice big smile, Harry," said Lockhart, through his own gleaming teeth. "Together, you and I rate the first page." In the instant of the camera flash when everyone was blinded, Harry felt Lockhart shift, but when he looked over at him, Lockhart was his normal strutting self. Harry tried to get back to his friends, but the blithering idiot threw an arm around his shoulders and held him at his side. "Ladies and gentlemen, what an extraordinary moment this is! The perfect time for me to make a little announcement I've been sitting on for sometime!
"When young Harry here stepped into Flourish and Blotts today, he only wanted to buy my autobiography-which I shall present to him now, free of charge-"The crowd applauded. "He had no idea that he would shortly be getting much, much more than my book, Magical Me. He and his schoolmates will, in fact, be getting the real magical me. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have great pleasure and pride in announcing that this September, I will be taking up the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!"
Harry met Draco's eyes and saw the exact same thought in them. We're doomed…
The crowd cheered and clapped as Harry found himself presented with the entire collected works of Gilderoy Lockhart, which he promptly dumped into Ginny's new cauldron as soon as he got away. "You have these. I'll buy my own." Preferably ones that aren't covered in Lockhart cooties…
"Well, if it isn't the famous Harry Potter!" Harry, Draco, and Hermione immediately recognized the sneering whine of Blaise Zabini. "Can't even go into a bookshop without making the front page!"
"Zabini, has anyone ever told you that your voice sounds like a chimp?" Harry smirked as Zabini paled.
Fred and George joined in from behind him. "From the back he bears a startling resemblance to one," said one.
"All he needs is a propeller hat."
"An accordion grinder,"
"A balcony,"
"And a howler monkey." They finished together.
Dracosmiled at the boy coldly. "Don't forget the poison ivy and the fire ants."
"And the clogs," Ron added from beside the blonde.
"Well, has anyone ever told you that you lot look like…like…" Zabini faltered for a moment. "green buffalos!"
The group blinked as one. Then they laughed their heads off.
"GREEN BUFFALOS!" Harry gasped out as he leaned against a stack of books.
"THAT'S your big comeback?!" Draco was sitting on the floor clutching his sides. Zabini went red.
"What's going on here, boys?" It was Mr. Weasley, accompanied by Sirius, Remus, and Lucius. "It's too crowded in here. Let's go outside."
"Well, well, well-Arthur Weasley…and Lucius!" It was Mr. Zabini. "You must have stumbled upon truly difficult times to be in such disgraceful company."
It was the wrong day to insult Lucius Malfoy. The next thing anyone knew, the elder Zabini had been launched through the front shop window and into the street---by hand. Sirius and Remus jumped forward as Lucius began to advance upon Mr. Zabini with his wand drawn.
"I think this is a good time to remind you that most of the hexes you want to use right now are illegal!" Remus said desperately as he grabbed one of the blonde man's arms.
"And I'd like to remind you that Cissa will kill you if she finds out you've been fighting in public!" Sirius said from his other arm.
The Zabinis ran off up the street as the two Marauders finally managed to get through to Lucius. Apparently the threat of his wife was a powerful incentive. He was staring out the window and muttering something about cheddar and pea-brained imps.
A wide-eyed Arthur Weasley approached him. "I just wanted to thank you for that, Lucius…" he heard the blonde man's mutterings. "Um…are you alright?"
Draco stepped up beside his father. "I'm afraid he's still upset over the radioactive cheese wheel." The Weasleys blinked.
"Well then…" Arthur said slowly. "We'll just see you all later…" He gathered up the rest of his family and left for the Leaky Cauldron.
Draco turned to Harry after they had left. "I'm going to treasure that moment forever: The day my father threw a man through a window." The blonde had a beatific expression on his face.
A lucid Lucius turned to his son and smiled sardonically. "Just as long as you never tell your mother."
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Sorry about the update time. I kept getting kidnapped by my sister! Anyway, college is starting up tomorrow, so expect updates to happen about once a week. Two if I'm feeling frisky! A big thanks to all of my reviewers, and to the three people who have thus far responded to the poll. REPLY PLEASE! I CAN'T DO MY FUNNY THING WITHOUT A CLEAR CUT WINNER, AND IT'S TIED!!! (1 for Harry, 1 for Draco, and 1 undecided.)
On a side note, precisely what Ate did to Lockhart will be revealed in the next chapter.
crazy-lil-nae-nae: -smiles innocently- Oh, no reason…no reason at all! Let's just forget the whole cage thing, shall we? I know what you mean about the diabetes. It doesn't run in my family; it gallops. Both my parents and my grandparents have it, and most of my uncles are headed that way. In my family, it usually starts after thirty, but once it begins, it hits hard and fast. –smiles and trips over soapbox- You're welcome. –Gives out sugar-free chocolate covered ice cream sundae-
athenakitty: I love when my next chapter manages to answer most of your questions! It makes me feel like I actually have a moving plot! Thanks! –Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-
Signeus: You have a wall collection of knives? That is so cool! I've always wanted to collect swords, myself, but my entire family banded together to forbid me from doing so. Apparently their still sore over the episode with the power drill… -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-
Smiley Face3: -ducks iron fist- It must be really hard to drive around sharp curves with an iron fist. How would you unbend it to grasp the steering wheel? Imploding everyone…sounds like fun! Glad you liked the nicknames. That's something I do when I send e-mails to my friends. -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-
blackstorm50: Aside from this chapter, expect Melvin to show up a few more times during Year Two. There's just something about a radioactive megalomaniac cheese wheel that appeals to my funny bone! -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-
Lady Melime Alasse: Awww! I have a cat like that, except that it has a white blaze on its chest instead of a white paw. I named it Bast. (-grins- I'm what you'd call Eclectic.) Six brothers…Holy Cow! How in the world are you still lucid?! You can't imagine how happy I am to know that I came up with something that hasn't been used a hundred times before on this site! (Although somehow I doubt a great deal of people have written about a radioactive cheese wheel named Melvin…or possessed squeak toys, for that matter…) As to Melvin's motives, all will be revealed later on. Thanks for the charm, hex, and brownies! -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae and calming sachet for use on brothers-
Night-Owl123: Thanks for answering the poll! -grins- Cheese on cheerios…I guess that would be like a tiny round Ritz with a hole in the middle. Melvin will be showing up periodically throughout Year Two. –Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-
Dark Illusionist: Thanks for answering the poll! –blinks in confusion- Um…what is illegal exactly? If you're referring to my solution to underage wizardry, the way the laws are stated it's actually a viable loophole. It may be a change from the cannon, but this is an AU… Anyway, more insanity coming up in the next chapter! –Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-
Isis's Rose: You know, I've never tried French cheese… Glad you like Melvin! -grins- I've been trying to convince my thighs to go on a Hawaiian vacation, but they remain stubbornly attached to me! -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-
PbookR: Thanks! -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-
Shadowface: -does a complicated victory dance then slaps herself on the forehead- I'm tired, too, and dreading my next semester of college, but otherwise I'm peachy keen, man! Thanks for asking! -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-
YamiRose: DarkElementalGoddess: Thanks for answering the poll! I'm so happy you liked the chapter! Write as much as you want! I swear I don't mind!! (That's a lot of exclamation marks…Oh, well…!!!!!!!!!) -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae with m&m's on top and a block of gouda-
meehanium: -grins- I'm holding you to that if I ever get published! -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-
Anon Junky: -giggles- Well, you see…when the first piece of cheese crawled from the primordial ooze, it said to itself One day, as Kraft is my witness, I will cover a large house! …Or it could be that Melvin sent legions of cheddar and limburger to destroy Malfoy Manor when Draco refused to surrender the gouda. :) -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-
Nahirta: Rumples says hello and to prepare the floppy bunny launchers. Thanks, and you're welcome! Of course, the rubber ducky will probably be brought in as a mercenary…so you might want to keep an eye on it. –Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-
stars-n-moons91: Thanks! I know what you mean… for the first couple of chapters of the series, I was lucky to get five reviews per chapter! Don't worry though. Once people see how good you are and that you won't abandon the story, they'll start reviewing more. I've noticed that trend with a lot of stories… -Gives out chocolate covered ice cream sundae-