Chapter 7
The next morning, the office was deathly quiet.
Nobody wanted the bad side of the Flame Alchemist that morning.
Nobody... except an oblivious Jean Havoc.
"Colonel! Nice dog suit, man."
A vein in Roy's temple bulged but he kept quiet, scribbling his name furiously on assorted stacks of paperwork. The dog suit itself wasn't so uncomfortable... but what infuriated him was a certain stupid creature named Havoc. Everyone else had the brains not to say a word, everyone else except this idiot.
Riza got up from her desk to arrange the boquet of flowers and Jean's eyes were drawn. "Who are those from?" he asked, and while his back was turned Roy had the urge to jump and kill him, dog suit or not. "My fiancee," she said, smelling them and sighing. "R-really? Who?"
Roy was enjoying Havoc's immediate situation and also felt the urge to gloat very loudly, but suppressed this as well. Maybe if he got leverage on the chair he could propel himself far enough grab Havoc's neck and twist...
"He likes to keep a low profile..."
"Ah. Alright then," Havoc said, face reddening with anger. He decided to focus his anger on Roy, which would not have been a smart choice in the past, but today... "So what's with the dog suit?"
"...I feel like wearing this out of pure enjoyment, Havoc," he said, murder in his eyes. He wondered how he was going to dispose of Havoc's terribly charred body, if it was still solid at all and not ashes. Maybe he'd burn down Havoc's office as well and say he dropped his cigarette?
"No really, why?"
"Because somebody said she wanted me to, and I did it."
"You got another girlfriend, Mustang?"
"It's none of your damn business..."
"Yes it is my damn business!"
"Dammit Havoc, get out of my office before I torch you!"
"How will you torch me with your paws, oh mighty doggy?"
"Havoc... If you want to keep your skin, I suggest you get the hell out of my office!"
"You can't snap with doggy paws Colonel!"
Sure enough, Roy couldn't. It would only catch the suit on fire... "You know what else I can do, Havoc?"
"What?"
Roy leaped out of his seat at Havoc, hands around his throat. "I'll strangle you to death, so get out!" he said, banging Havoc's head against the ground.
"No!"
"I'll slit your neck!" he yelled as a nail popped out from the paw of the suit. Riza sighed in the background and shook her head.
"It would be in your best interests to get out, Havoc. The Colonel is irritable today."
"Alright, alright, I'm gone!" Havoc said, dusting off his uniform and walking out.
"I want to kill him, First Lieutenant, can I please?"
"No."
"Can I just gore him or something then?"
"No."
"Can I stab with a pen?"
"...No."
"Can I scratch him to death?"
"Hmm... No."
"...can I do anything to him at all?"
"No."
"Waaah... wait! I know!" Roy ran out of the office.
He stopped in front of the office that said 'Major Armstrong' on the door and shivered slightly. He lifted a paw and knocked, once, twice. Armstrong opened the door and sparkles filled the air. Unfortunately for Roy, the dog suit also covered his face.
"HO HO! A big lost doggy! I shall return you to the pound," he declared, picking up the doggy Roy.
"NOOOOOOO!" Roy screamed, trying to whack Armstrong.
"Hmm... the Colonel wants me, I shall finish this errand quickly."
"NOOOOOOOO!"
"Ho ho... the Colonel is an angry one today..."
"AAAAAAAAGH!"
"VERY angry. So I shall use the short distance running techinque that has been passed down the Armstrong line for generations!"
"NO, DON'T TAKE ME TO THE POUND, YOU IDIOT!"
"Bad doggy, you resort to name-calling!"
"Gr..."
"You are a heavy doggy... about as heavy as the Colonel. Are you obese?"
"SOMEBODY HELP ME!"
"Helping you would be taking you to the pound," Armstrong continued.
"RIZA! HELP ME, HE'S TAKING ME TO THE POUND!"
"Ho... there is a doggy named Riza too? Just like the First Lieutenant..."
An idea popped into Roy's mind.
"I'm the First Lieutenant's doggie... Havoc stole me from her."
"HO HO! I SHALL RESUME THE KICKING OF BUTTOCKS FOR HAVOC FOR THIS HEINOUS CRIME!And you shall be returned to your owner, doggy."
"Good... er.. I mean... woof woof."
Armstrong then knocked on the joined office that was Riza's and Roy's and splintered the door. Riza sighed from inside. "Major, I told you to just say something if you wanted to come in..."
"I am sorry for the door, First Lieutenant, but this doggy says he is yours," said Armstrong, holding doggy-Roy under his arms and dangling him in front of Riza. "Yip yip..." Roy yipped lamely. Riza stared at doggy-Roy for a second. "Yes, he's mine."
Just then, Havoc poked his head in the door. "What's up, all?" Armstrong looked at Havoc with red fiery eyes, sparkles turning into skulls. "I SHALL KICK YOUR BUTTOCKS FOR THE THIEVING OF THE FIRST LIEUTENANT'S DOGGY! PREPARE YOURSELF, VILE CROOK WHO IS THE SECOND LIEUTENANT!"
"Eh?"
Armstrong dropped doggy-Roy and chased after Havoc, and Havoc screamed like a little girl and ran for life and soul.
Riza petted Roy on the head and he sulked. "Don't pat me. I mean, bark bark grrrrr..." Doggy-Roy growled. Riza sighed. "I just don't like being patted, I never did."
"Oh, okay. Doggy treat?" she asked, holding the box out to Roy. Roy retreated back to his desk and picked up the pen. "I'll pass. When's lunch?"
"There was... an incident in the cafeteria..." she said, reading out a note she had just been handed by a lower ranking officer.
"Yes?"
"Major Armstrong seems to have wrecked the mess hall while chasing after Second Lieutenant Havoc..." she said, and the two of them sweat dropped. "You don't say..."
There was a knock on the door and Ed and Al stepped in. He decided not to comment on the suit, since he knew Roy was in it, and he would be a murderous man tomorrow if he said a word. "How's the planning going?" he asked. Riza shrugged. "There hasn't been a lot of time for us to discuss it. Roy has been stirring up trouble in the office..."
"Armstrong almost sent me to the pound!" he yelped.
"Oh? So that's what that commotion was..." Al said.
"We've decided to hold the wedding in three or four months, so you've got plenty of time to prepare, Al."
"Good! I'm teaching them a new piece of music!"
"And they're sharpening they're kitty-fu or whatever on me..." Ed sighed,picking at a scabbed over scratch on his cheek.
"Only a little whilelonger, and I'll be free of the suit..." Roy sighed.
"Al and I are almost onto a breakthrough with the Philosopher's stone!" Ed said enthusiastically. "We'll have his body back in time for the wedding, I think."
"That's good to hear, Ed. It's not easy for me to back up your research funding when youturn up blanks."
"We'll have results soon, I promise."
"Good. You've got four months before the wedding,let's see how you work on a deadline."
"We'll be done, don't worry."
Yay! Reviews! The next chapter will be threeand a half months later, so we'll see what happens!- T A