Disclaimer: One day, there was a man named Tom, and Tom had a big nose, green eyes, and raccoon skins on his feet. The raccoon skins made his feet itch, so he took them off and threw them onto a donkey. The donkey was then attacked and devoured by rabid hyenas from Canada. The End.
And I don't own Harry Potter.
Blah thoughts or special emphasis
Chapter Five: A Transportation Situation
When Harry returned home from Diagon Alley, he found a pointy-eared midget on his bed. It was dressed in a dirty toga that looked suspiciously like a tea-towel, and it was currently engaging a shrub-shaped lamp in a conversation about dodging pamphlets with shady agendas.
"Excuse me," Harry said as he contemplated why the thing reminded him of buttercups, "but who are you?"
The midget raised its head and stared at Harry. "I am Dobby, the house elf. Are you Mr. Sanchez?"
"No."
"Good. I don't like him."
The brunette blinked. "Is there a reason you're here?"
"Yes, sir. I've come to warn Harvey Pickle that he shouldn't go back to Hobforts this year!"
"I think you have the wrong house, then."
"No sir! You have the car, and the messy rear, and everything! Sir must be Harvey Pickle!"
"I'm Harry Potter!"
"Close enough." The little creature was looking decidedly smug. "Sir must promise that he won't attend Hobforts Bull of Hitch-raft and Lizardry!"
"Why?" Harry was very much hoping for the chance to strangle Dobby, but his curiousity wanted answers first. First he talks, and then the homicide can begin!
"Because terrible things are about to happen, sir!" Dobby was obviously trying for an oscar. "Most horrible things!"
"Such as?"
"I cannot say, sir." Then Dobby began hitting himself with the lamp. It looked like a green bush monster was trying to eat him.
"As much as I'd love to watch you beat yourself into oblivion, I would really appreciate knowing WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!!!" Harry could swear he started breathing fire.
"Sir, Dobby's family forbids him from speaking of it!" The midget looked so pitiful that Harry wanted to throw him out of an attic window to put him out of his misery (and satisfy his increasing need to kill the little bugger).
"Is it worse than Voldemort?"
"Well, not worse, sir. AND DON'T SAY THAT NAME!"
"Is it Voldemort?"
"Not exactly, sir. No. AND STOP SAYING THAT!"
"Is it VOLDEMORT'S twin brother who also happens to be evil and enjoys wearing a tutu and appearing in ballets that VOLDEMORT produces to torture muggles?" Harry was thoroughly enjoying the house elf's reaction to the name.
"NO! NO!! NO!!!" Dobby was close to passing out from fear.
"Wimp."
"Sir must promise Dobby, or Dobby will be forced to take drastic measures."
Harry rolled his eyes. "Fine! I promise I won't attend Hobforts Bull of Hitch-raft and Lizardry! Will you please leave? Now?!"
Dobby's eyes filled with tears. "Oh thank you, sir!! Thank you, Mr. Pickle!!" And the house elf was gone with a sharp crack.
Juno/Jinx spoke up from Harry's pocket. "You do realize he took your lamp?"
Harry banged his head on the door. A lot.
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The next day, a picture of Harry and Lockhart graced the frontpage of The Daily Prophet. At least, Harry thought it was Lockhart. Apparently that shifting sensation Harry had sensed was Ate giving the man a few cosmetic changes.
If by few one means foot-long buck teeth, donkey ears, Princess Leia hair, lurid orange skin, webbed hands, and a humpback.
"Ate, I love you." Harry had never been more sincere.
The goddess smiled.
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September 1st rolled around with suprising speed. It was almost as if a frieght train had run over father time, then a mouse had held him at gunpoint. Harry found himself being escorted to the train by his Godfathers at precisely 9:53am. (Despite the werewolf's best efforts, it seemed that both Sirius and Harry were doomed to be insufferably slow at getting anywhere. -Best efforts here means that Remus placed three vials of pepper-up potion in Sirius's coffee and placed fireworks in Harry's back pants pockets that would activate if he dilly-dallied. This had the interesting effect of making Sirius proclaim himself Emperor of Coffee Mug and Lord of Fuzzy Socks while Harry tried desperately to extinguish his butt. It did not, however, speed up their departure.-)
At the train station, Harry ran into Draco and Hermione. The resulting collision pushed three muggles into an oncoming tea-trolly, and the three Slytherins were forced to make a run for it before the station police came to investigate. Sirius and Remus headed through the barrier with their luggage.
"Harry," Hermione said as she wrung out her tea-soaked hair, "you are the single most unobservant person I've ever met!"
"You should have said something!" Harry said defensively. "'Hey, Harry, we're over here!' would have been nice. 'Harry, you're about to crash into the sword-swallower!' would have been better. I would even have settled for 'HARRY, YOU'RE ABOUT TO RUN US OVER WITH YOUR CART AND CAUSE A MASSIVE RAILWAY CONCESSION STAND ACCIDENT!'" The boy-who-lived didn't do subtlety very well.
Draco began muttering under his breath. "We did!" He said after passing over several sets of more stress-relieving but less appropriate replies. "In fact, I distinctly remember yelling 'Harry, you're going to run over us! Hit the old lady instead!'"
Harry blushed. Then he tried to walk through the barrier.
The resulting fall on his bum further bruised his pride.
"The barrier's sealed itself!" He exclaimed unneccesarily.
Hermione and Draco tried pushing against it. "But it's only 9:59! The train leaves at ten!" The bookworm was incensed.
The three slumped back against the wall. "If we had our luggage I could use Damien to send a message to the school telling them what's happened," Draco said, sorely missing his eagle owl..
Hermione perked up. "That's it! Harry, turn something into a rubber duck and send it!"
Something sparked in Harry's mind. "I've got a better idea..."
-------Ten Minutes Later------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Harry, I am not riding that thing." Hermione was trying her best to remain calm in the face of what could only be considered Harry's craziest idea yet.
Draco grinned and climbed in through the wing-door. "It's actually quite comfortable, 'Mione. Besides, who else can say that they've ever arrived at Hogwarts in a giant rubber duck?"
"But why does it have to have devil horns?" Hermione looked worried. "And does it really need to be wearing lipstick and eyeliner?"
Harry shrugged. "Eris designed it," he said as if that explained everything (which it did).
After much persuasion, Hermione climbed in and settled herself into one of the down-filled black couches. "This...is so strange." The door slid shut as Hermes began announcing take-off preparations.
"We're still invisible, aren't we?" Harry asked the god.
"Roger!"
"Harry."
".....never mind. Yes, we're still invisible."
"Good! Let's stay that way until we get to Hogwarts."
"Harry!"
"I'll take that as a yes."
The three Slytherins settled in to watch London disappear through the large glass pane at the front of the duck.
-------------One Hour Later--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hermes! See if you can hit the train!"
A large amount of rubber duck poo splattered the prefects compartment of the Hogwarts express. (If anyone is wondering, rubber duck poo is actually melted yellow plastic that smells like mouldy beansprouts.)
Draco laughed. "Nice shot!"
-----------Seven Hours After That--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hogwarts shown like a dark jewel in the fading twilight...until Hermes belched fire onto the quidditch pitch.
"Was that absolutely necessary?" Hermione asked.
"No."
Harry and Draco laughed.
"Then put it out!" the bookworm insisted. A large amount of rubber duck poo smothered the fire.
"Spoil sport." The giant rubber duck was pouting.
Harry grinned. "You can make us visible now Hermes."
"Harry!" The people in the great hall were suddenly treated to the sight of a giant rubber duck with devil horns and make-up on flying past the large glass windows. Hermes let out a thunderous squeak before landing in front of the giant double doors where a large crowd was gathering.
Hermione moaned into her hands. "We are in so much trouble!"
Harry spotted Sirius, Remus, and Severus standing in front of the crowd, and he could only nod. The three Slytherins stepped out of the wing door to a massive sound of applause and three scowling men.
"Do you have any idea how worried we were when you didn't show up at the feast?!" Remus barely managed to control himself.
"The barrier wouldn't let us through!" Harry protested.
"What time was it?" Sirius asked.
"9:59 according to the station clock," Hermione offered. The three men shared a look of pure confusion.
"Are you certain you were at the right barrier?" Severus asked.
"Well if we weren't then those two passed into some sort of alternate dimension," Draco said, pointing at the two Marauders. "Yes, we were at the right barrier. Yes, we tried everything we could think of. Yes, we would have sent word if our luggage hadn't already made it past the barrier and onto the train. So you'll have to forgive us if instead of waiting in a muggle train station without adult supervision, we decided to fly in an invisible rubber duck!"
Just then, Albus Dumbledore made it through the crowd of students to the three and opened his mouth to say something.
Hermes ate him.
Silence reigned over all of Hogwarts for a long moment. Then Severus Snape laughed. (And not a sneering laugh or a mocking laugh, a real laugh of the kind you would expect from anyone but Severus Snape.) And the entire student body fainted.
Hermes took the opportunity to chew on Dumbledore a few times before swallowing him.
Severus raised an eyebrow. "As much as I'm enjoying the show, I don't think Harry will be very happy once he wakes up. Or to paraphrase," he began to mimic Harry's tone, "Bad duck! Regurgitate the Headmaster immediately!"
Hermes glared at the Potions Master before reluctantly complying, and a soggy, chewed-up Albus Dumbledore landed in front of the student body with a satisfying THUMP!
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This isn't actually the original version of Chapter Five. I managed to contract a computer virus that killed my laptop and destroyed the original chapter as well as Chapter Six. Fortunately my sister (being the wonderful computer genius and programmer that she is) managed to fix it. Unfortunately, she had to reformat the entire hard drive to do so. This version of chapter five is only missing a few things, though. (i.e. The poll results joke, banana peels, and dishwashing detergent.) Just a little warning to everyone...if pop up windows keep appearing on your screen too fast for you to ALT-F4 them away, forcibly restart your computer then shut it down and get it to someone who knows how to fix it. If you don't, the windows will eventually overload your system memory, and then you'll be very tempted to fix the problem yourself with a sledge-hammer, a chainsaw, and napalm.
And if I miss answering anyone's review (AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL OF THEM!!! I COULDN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY THERE WERE!!!), I sincerely apologize.
AN: Eris is the Greek goddess of chaos and a whole lot of fun at parties!
Shadowface: I agree completely! I use mine to store information about people! (And they wonder why I forget people's names...) -Gives out baboon stew and devil horns-
athenakitty: Thanks for answering the survey. (I placed your vote firmly in the 'undecided' category.) Yeah, I hate it when that happens. I tried five separate times to fix the spacing on that, but it insisted on smushing them together! Ah well, France surrenders. (We'll just ignore the part where I'm American...) -Gives out devil horns-
evil manda: Honestly, neither was I. My characters have a bad habit of springing things on me while I'm typing. (Case in point, giant rubber duck plane.) Thanks though! -Gives out devil horns-
Smiley Face3: Implode Ginny? But then how will Harry perform a heroic rescue that endears him forever to the rest of the school?! Of course, there are always accidents... -Gives out devil horns-
Signeus: Wow...I could measure the placement by my height. -smiles- I have a reputation with sharp objects, too. It goes something like, "Put that down before you trip and kill yourself!" I have a reputation for clutziness, too. :) -Gives out devil horns-
Suicidal: Warning's up!! Thanks! It would be such a shame to kill all my readers... :-) -Gives out devil horns-
YamiRose: DarkElementalGoddess: Fear not, valued reader! (superhero music plays in background) I'm not saying anything, mind you, but the cheese wheel isn't really gone. -slaps hand over her mouth before she can give out anything else and gives out devil horns-
crazy-lil-nae-nae: Thanks! Love the smiley faces. -- (That's a cat, just in case you couldn't tell.) -Gives out devil horns-
Nahirta: Sorry. Rumples insists on launching bunnies at the enemy forces, but if it helps, the bunnies will be launched by stuffed cats... :) Thanks for answering the survey! -Gives out devil horns-
Zesuit: If by together you mean Ginny as slave labor, sure! Otherwise, I really don't think Harry needs the complication of a serious relationship until he is forced to find his mate. (i.e. Summer of sixth year and up.) Thanks for the suggestion though! -Gives out devil horns-
Kaaera: No! No, I don't mind at all! (does cartwheels in the background before she remembers how clutzy she is...manages to knock over antique coffee table...thanks Merlin it's sturdy.) Thanks!! -Gives out devil horns-
Anon Junky: That's an interesting idea. I'll have to try that. (Though knowing my crazy imagination, the universe would probably explode. Or disco would come back in style... -shudders-) -Gives out devil horns-
Drake Smythe: Your review gave me ideas! (Namely chomping Dumbledore!) And unlike your propeller duck (which I would have loved seeing!), mine really is possessed! Thanks! You really like enchanted socks, don't you? (Not that I can blame you. I've always been particularly fond of enchanted sock puppets!) Thanks for answering the survey! (And I'll make a note: 1 vote for Hermione as Harry's mate) -Gives out devil horns-
Animegurl64: Thanks! -Gives out devil horns-
Heather: Thanks! You know, I just can't believe how many people actually like that chapter. I had so much trouble writing it! (At least until Melvin decided to insert himself. From there on, it ran pretty smoothly! I guess there's nothing like manic cheese to help the writing process!) -Gives out devil horns-
Lady Melime Alasse: Smallville references? I've actually never watched that show... Neat! I accidentally referenced something!!! Yeah, I don't know of any men who aren't controlled by that, either. Even the few gay males I've met are still controlled by the threat of their mother or a close female friend! (Yay women!) I find that a good indicator of insanity is when you start talking to your laundry and telling it about your day. (Not that I've done that. No...) -Gives out six pairs of devil horns, a tranquilizer gun, and 60 tranquilizer darts-
evil older sister: Thanks for answering the survey!! -Gives out devil horns-
Shadowed Rains: LMAO Thanks! For the crime of not inviting you to their wedding, I suggest that you stalk the crab and cheese, cook them both with Zataran's, and eat them! (Mmmm...cheesy cajun crab...tasty!) Sanity...Great! Now I'll have nightmares! As to the comedy, 'tis better to have tried and failed, than to be arrested for throwing cream pies at the police station. He, he, he! New minds to warp! -Gives out two pairs of devil horns-
Shea Loner: Your wish is my command! (Or possibly a box of crackers...) Anyway, look for it in the next chapter! Thanks for answering the survey! -Gives out devil horns-
Homicidal Virgin: Everybody just loves Melvin! I promise there will be more of the enchanted/radioactive cheese coming up! -Gives out devil horns-
alannah2: -blushes- Thanks! That just made my day! Anyway, there will be more of Melvin in upcoming chapters. -Gives out devil horns-