Disclaimer: ... ... ... ...Oh like you don't know it's not mine!
Chapter Six: How to wake the dead
(Or killing off characters in two easy steps...)
Severus took great delight in the waking of the student body. To him, there was nothing more enjoyable than causing massive group heart attacks by a combination of fog-horns, search lights, and good 'ole electrocution. Of course, the fact that the entire student body was laying in a puddle of water which just happened to be hit by a minor bolt of lightning was secondary... His job for the night done, he carted the chewed Headmaster off to the special room of the infirmary reserved for just such occasions.
In other words, he dumped Dumbledore in a particularly dusty broom closet and locked the door. He was humming Hail to the Chief all the way back to his rooms.
-
In another part of Hogwarts-a dank, seedy part filled with suspicious noises-a large round shape was beginning the first stages of his plan for vengeance.
Though how he was holding the quill, we'll never know...
-
After Severus left, Hermes took the opportunity to get to know his secret obsession better. Sadly, the giant squid rejected his advances.
So Hermes sent him to a kalimari festival in Japan.
"Hermes, what did you do with the squid" Harry asked suspiciously. (His hair was so naturally untidy that no one could tell it had been shocked.)
The giant rubber duck tried to look innocent. "He needed a vacation."
"Where did you send him" Draco's hair was standing up in spikes all over his head thanks in large part to his hair gel.
"Japan."
Hermione-whose hair resembled the bride of Frankenstein-smiled encouragingly. "I hear that it's lovely this time of year."
"Yes."
"Who is going to rescue the people that fall in the lake" Harry asked.
Hermes thought about it for a moment, then squeaked triumphantly. "I'll just make the rubber duck sentinent so when I leave, he'll stick around to play lifeguard" The god exited, and a giant devil-horned, make-up wearing rubber duck became the newest attraction to the lake around Hogwarts.
In Japan, ten thousand festival attendees knelt in humble thanks to the god of Kalimari for his providence.
-
The next morning, the student body dragged themselves in to breakfast feeling oddly drained. However, instead of finding plates of food waiting for them, they found letters lined up at every seat of the house tables. Harry tugged his open:
VOTE FOR THE HOTTEST GUY IN HOGWARTS!
Who's the King of Cool? Vote for one of the choices listed below or write in your own candidate!
Draco Malfoy
Harry Potter
Melvin, the Enchanted Cheese Wheel
Other
Votes will be tabulated and announced at dinner.
Harry looked at Draco in alarm. "Please tell me you didn't take me seriously about polling the entire world"
Draco's eyes were just as wide as Harry's. "I didn't do this"
Hermione laughed at their expressions. "You made the cheese so angry it decided to hold a beauty contest" She joked. The laughter stopped abruptly as the three Slytherins looked at each other. "Merlin..." Hermione breathed.
"When I find that cheddar..." Draco came astonishingly close to Snape's scowl. The table began shaking ominously.
"Draco" Harry said placatingly"look at it this way. At least one of us will have proof to back up our claims." The table stopped shaking.
"What claims" Hermione asked suspiciously. The two boys blushed.
Fortunately, they were saved from answering by the arrival of the time tables.
Unfortunately, Severus's methods of waking had left Lockhart alive.
"Double Potions with the Gryffindors, Lunch, then Defense Against the Dark Arts" Hermione sounded annoyingly cheerful. "Isn't it nice? Our first day of school, and we already have Lockhart for class"
Harry fingered his wand thoughtfully. "Peachy..."
-
The first potions assignment of the semester was a simple draught designed to permanently change the color of the drinker's teeth to moss green. Harry and Draco looked at each other and grinned.
"So how are we going to administer this?" Harry whispered.
"We'll slip it into his drink," Draco whispered back.
"That lacks finesse. A better solution would be to tell him that it's an energy potion to help him with his tiring day," Severus whispered from behind the two. "And an even better solution would be to substitute this potion with an untraceable poison. But on the other hand, GET TO WORK!"
"I think we'll stick with plan A," Draco said lightly, then his eyes began to sparkle wickedly. "Unless you'd like to give us some Verasitaserum to slip him?"
An evil smirk graced the Potions Master's face, and he handed Draco a small vial of clear potion. "Just as long as you give it to him at dinner. I want to enjoy the results."
"Will it interfere with the one we're making?" Harry asked. Severus shook his head lightly and returned to yelling at the Gryffindors.
-
As Harry and Draco entered the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom to find it filled with smiling pictures of Lockhart and pastel doilies they immediately decided that Gilderoy Lockhart must die. It was going to be a mercy killing, really. Draco went up to the teacher's desk and slyly dumped the teeth changing potion into the goblet there.
Hermione looked at Draco. "What did you just do?"
"Spiked Lockhart's drink with something to break the ice in the class."
Hermione's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Why?"
"You saw the picture in The Daily Prophet."
"And I also know you both hate him."
"What's your point?"
When Gilderoy Lockhart walked into the classroom, it became apparent that he was not having a good day. "Did anyone else wake up being molested by a giant rubber duck wearing lipstick? No? Just me then. It's hard being such a sexy beast." Then he downed the goblet.
His skin became striped with green.
"I though it was a teeth-changing potion..." Harry whispered to Draco.
"It was. Before you added in chopped asparagus rather than snake skin." Draco answered mischeviously.
"Why didn't you stop me?"
"Not worth the effort." Draco grinned evilly. "Besides, this is much more interesting."
"That I'll grant you."
Hermione was incensed. "I thought you said it was an ice breaker!"
"And if any ice sees him, it will laugh so hard it'll crack itself up." Harry bopped Draco on the nose. "What was that for?"
"The very bad pun."
The green-striped Lockhart walked up beside the desk. "Is there a problem boys?"
Rumples ate him.
"Aside from that being physically impossible, nice work!" Draco congratulated.
Loki bowed. "Giant mouse or teeeennnyy Lockhart? I think he's the size of a virus right now." The rubber mouse began breaking out in green stripes. "Yep." He punched himself in squeaker. "Hush in there!"
Half the class was applauding. The other half was forming a mob.
Harry looked around worriedly. "Loki...I think you might need to spit him back out...apparently he has actual fans..."
Rumples grumbled something incoherently. "Hermes can't eat the Headmaster. I can't eat Lockhart. Ate can't eat peanuts..."
"Why not?"
"Food allergy."
"Gods have those?"
"They do if they piss off the God of Peanuts."
"Are you allergic to peanuts?"
"Rutebagas...Don't ask."
"I wasn't going to."
The mouse spat out the annoying one onto a pile of papers and resized him.
Lockhart blinked dazedly. "Oh! I was just about to hand out the quizzes!" The large pieces of bright pink paper contained these questions:
1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?
2. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite brand of Shampoo?
3. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?
4. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?
5. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite song?
When Loki got done with them, they read like this:
Answer Key
1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's second color? Moss Green (See his stripes)
2. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite brand of toupee? Moose-Head Toupees for Men
3. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition? One day he hopes to stop wasting oxygen.
4. What achievement, if any, has Gilderoy Lockhart not taken credit for from someone else? The Fall of Rome
5. True or False: Did Gilderoy Lockhart star in Dumb and Dumber? If False, should he have? False. And Yes. He should also have directed it.
Lockhart looked like he was about to start ranting at the class. ("Harry, quick" Draco whispered. Harry pulled out his wand and pointed it from under the desk. "Nopilosus Totalus!") Gilderoy ran out of the room crying.
Hermione-and half the class-rounded on the two boys. "HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU DESTROY LOCKHART'S FLOWING LOCKS! WASN'T IT ENOUGH THAT YOU GAVE HIM STRIPES, ALLOWED A MOUSE TO CHEW AND SWALLOW HIM, THEN EMBARRASSED HIM WITH THAT ALTERED QUIZ! YOU TWO ARE SOOO..." The tranquilizer dart in Hermione's back finally took effect and the bookworm slumped over onto her desk.
Sirius shouldered the gun from the doorway. "Quick boys! Before she wakes up!"
The two boys made a break for it. "How did you know we needed help?"
Sirius pointed to where Jinx was sitting smugly with her tail wrapped around his neck. "Ate called in the calvary. Nice work by the way." Remus cleared his throat lightly from behind the three. "I mean, 'That was very wrong boys, and you should never do something like that again without adult supervision!" Remus cleared his throat again. "And an ambulance standing by."
"What Sirius means" Remus interrupted, glaring at his mate"is 'That was very wrong boys, and you should never do that again. There are better ways."
Draco grinned. "Like slipping verasitaserum into his drink?"
"Precisely." Remus blinked. "When?"
"Tonight."
"Does Severus know?"
"Where do you think we got it from?" Harry asked smugly. The Marauders grinned at each other and went to prepare questions.
-
Dinner was a fascinating affair. Ginny Weasley entered the Great Hall wearing a cheese wedge hat and carrying a scroll. She cast a sonorous charm on herself: Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my great priviledge to announce that the winner of this morning's poll is Melvin, the Enchanted Cheese Wheel!
"You haven't even opened the scroll!" Draco protested-along with one hundred other students.
Ginny opened the scroll. The winner of this morning's poll is Melvin, the Enchanted Cheese Wheel!
"You didn't look at it!"
Ginny glanced at the scroll. Obey the cheese!
Draco marched up to the youngest Weasley and took the scroll. "That's not what it says!" Then he read it again and fainted.
Obey the cheese!
Harry rushed forward to the fallen blonde and shook him. "Draco? Draco!"
Gray eyes fluttered open and stared at him maliciously. "I am going to wring your neck, Potter!"
"Why?"
"READ THE SCROLL!"
Harry read it. Then he laughed himself silly.
"YOU TIED WITH A ROUND OF CHEDDAR!"
"Yes, you nitwit! And you won!"
Obey the cheese!
Jinx ate Ginny.
No one objected.
McGonagall stood up. "I have an announcement to make," She adjusted her hat imperiously and continued. "Due to the Headmaster's sudden disappearance, Gilderoy Lockhart will be filling in for Headmaster Dumbledore until he can be located. Let's all give him a big round of applause."
Half of Hogwarts applauded while the other half formed a lynch mob.
Lockhart took a sip of pumpkin juice to clear his throat.
"Headmaster Lockhart," Severus said suddenly, "is it true that you did everything you wrote in your books?"
"No." Lockhart looked horrified and slightly dazed.
"But you wrote them."
"No. I had a ghost writer do them."
"So you faked authorship of a series of books about faked accomplishments"
"Yes." The students began grumbling ominously.
"Isn't it true that while attending Hogwarts your grades were worse than Messrs. Crabbe and Goyle?"
"Yes."
"Do you know Martha Stewart?"
"No."
"You should meet her. I think you would both get along famously. She could teach you how to make a beautiful mail box cozy out of a dead squirrel and six hundred dollars of taffeta ribbon."
"Our turn," Sirius interrupted. "Who is the sexiest person in Hogwarts?"
"Severus Snape."
It turned out looks could kill.
-
Somewhere in a nearby world reserved for the Gods:
"As much as I hate to say this, Gilderoy Lockhart is necessary for the continuation of the plot." Zeus said thundrously.
"I agree" said Jupiter. Then Zeus and Jupiter looked at each other and the universe imploded.
-
Somewhere in Arkansas a medicated author glared menacingly at her sqeak toy collection: "STOP DOING THAT!"
The universe unimploded itself.
-
"As I was saying," Hera said, speaking before Zeus or Jupiter could so much as open their mouths. "Ate, spit out the Weasley girl somewhere. Hades, go revive Lockhart. Morpheus, put everyone to bed, and calm down Severus Snape. Jerry, CONTROL YOUR CHEESE WHEEL!"
And so it was done.
-
Somewhere in the Sahara Desert:
"Mom?...Dad?...Ron?"
-
"ATE!"
-
I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THE MAJOR DELAY ON THIS CHAPTER! I won't go into details, but let's just say that due to a long string of unfortunate events and wacky misadventures it's taken me much longer than I thought it would to do this. Fortunately-or unfortunately depending on how you look at it-I managed to get a bad case of bronchitis which has given me enough time to do the medicated third version of Chapter Six which you see here. -Medicated here means I'm chock full of codine. Can you tell? Also, I'm beginning to think this chapter has something of a curse on it...this one looks nothing like the first two versions of the chapter where all the characters managed to survive...-
Also, for some reason, I can't get the punctuation to work on this chapter either. So please feel free to ignore the punctuation errors.
Anyway, a big thank you to all of the reviewers. Reading these makes me feel so much better!
Xenocide: Yeah, I know! I find that cough syrup tends to aggrivate the condition... wiggles finger at bottle...realizes it's a toothpick... -Gives out large bottle of chocolate syrup-
Nahirta: Floods of peanut butter? Why not chocolate syrup? I could happily drown in chocolate syrup... I'm glad you like the giant rubber ducky. I think it will be a permanent fixture. especially considering I just fed the giant squid to a kalimari convention... -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
Opalish: Thanks! I'm blushing right now, but I doubt you can tell... Oh and you're right. Severus does sound like Eeyore-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
evil manda: Thanks-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
deni1073: Thanks! Glad you like it-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
Shadowface: Oh n...O...Oh...Oh no! It's Yoko Ono! Sorry, just had to say it... Is it lethal? Maybe I can give it to someone I don't like... -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
Kaaera: Wow! People actually admit they read this! Does embarrasingly uncoordinated dance that ends abruptly when the cat jumps on her back. Ow... I'm bleeding, but I'm happy! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to feed Snow... -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
Signeus: A scattershot gatling gun would be so cool! Just imagine all the deer hunting you could get done with one! I can't hit the broad side of a large factory, normally, but with an automatic shotgun, who needs to-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
Night-Owl123: Thanks. Sorry again for the delay. -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
Wyccegurl: Thanks! Wow...that's the second bone-headed mistake I've made so far... Fortunately, since it's AU, I can always claim I meant to do that! Of course, I'll have to deny ever writing this reply, then erase the paper trail, buy off all the witnesses, change my name, move to Canada... Hmmm, too complicated! I'll just go take a nap. -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
Shadowed Rains: Sounds yummy! Did you make sure to get non-radioactive cheese? Or do you now have three heads-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup and a Do-It-Yourself Amputation Kit-
crazy-lil-nae-nae: Er...sorry? Six inch needles hurt... On the bright side, you can put on a fake mustache and substitute someone else to get shot in your place-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
Smiley Face3: Well, so far so good! It turns out I don't have an actual "voice" for Ginny yet, which means she'll continue to be tortured until I do! (And probably for a long time afterward!) Hmmm...a party... There could be dancing on the ceiling... Whacks herself over the head with a shoe I feel better now-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
Lady Melime Alasse: Their wives. No contest. I have yet to meet a man who can stand up to a truly determined woman. How's the tranquilizer supply? I'll give you some refills just in case... -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup and 600 pack of tranquilizer darts with an extra tranquilizer gun for your sister-
athenakitty: Yep! Dumbledore's one hundred percent itchy pants! You can make as many hard copies as you like. After all, it's your paper... -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
Circe Visigoth: Yay! Sock of Doom! Does it have a mustache and a bad toupee? Takes Sock of Doom to her cat Snow, meet your new partner in crime! Sock of Doom-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
alannah2: He he he! Yes, the lamp and Mr. Sanchez must avenge themselves! Now all I have to do is think of how... Well, something will come, I'm sure... -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
YamiRose: DarkElementalGoddess: Somehow I doubt the squid would consider being friends with the duck now... But I bet Hagrid will have a lot of fun with Mr. Quackers-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
Drake Smythe: ROFL! (Everything ish funnier with cough syrup!) Love the review-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
Fluffy Sun: My comps fine, thanks, but I'm insane! (Which is different as opposed to when?) -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
Heather: Thanks-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
Treck: Thanks! I've never been much of a Hedwig fan either. Hmmm...maybe a stuffed dragon with fire-breathing capabilities... -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
evil older sister: Thanks so much! I'm blushing-Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-
mossybabe77: Wow...that's one of the most intellectual sounding reviews I've had... Thanks. -Gives out bottle of chocolate syrup-