Disclaimer: "Waiter, there are monkeys in my soup" "Of course there are. It's seafood."
Chapter Seven: Knock 'em down and Set 'em up
The first shots of this year's prank war were fired the next morning at breakfast when Ravenclaw donned grey uniforms, armed themselves with squeaky plastic hammers, and attacked the blue clad Hufflepuffs.
Hermione raised an eyebrow at the two boys across from her. "Is there something you two want to tell me"
Draco gave her an angelic smile. "We're educating the student body on the American Civil War." Behind Draco, the Hufflepuffs were putting up a valiant resistance with their water guns. "This is the Battle of Gettysburg." Hermione smiled slightly and returned to her reading.
The Ravenclaws upended the Gryffindor table to use as a shield. Unfortunately, the Gryffindors weren't happy.
"THAT WAS MY BREAKFAST!" Ron roared. "Come on, Gryffindors. Grab a weapon!" And Gryffindor House, armed with sausage links, led a fierce charge against the Ravenclaws, overrunning them.
Harry grinned. "Note to self: never come between Ron and food."
Justin Finch-Fletchley was standing atop the Hufflepuff table delivering the Gettysburg Address.
"It's not historically accurate, but I like it!" Draco said happily. "Let's go to Herbology."
-
Harry was stopped outside the Herbology classroom by none other than Gilderoy Lockhart. The blonde buffon gave his most nauseatingly charming smile to Professor Sprout. "You don't mind if I borrow Harry for a few minutes, do you? That's a lamb."
Professor Sprout's lips thinned slightly. "We'll be in Greenhouse Three today, Harry. Come when you're done." Harry only barely restrained himself from begging her to stay.
"Harry" Lockhart shook his head lightly. "Harry, Harry, Harry."
I'd kill him but Hera's forbidden it, Ate said apologetically in the back of Harry's mind. Apparently he's necessary for something.
"Don't know when I've been more shocked" Lockhart continued. "Flying a duck to Hogwarts. Well, of course, I knew at once why you'd done it."
"Because the barrier sealed itself?" Harry asked flippantly.
"Harry, Harry, Harry...I understand. Natural to want a bit more once you've had that first taste.-and I blame myself for giving you that, because it was bound to go to your head."
"Tasting rubber duck goes to your head? And when did you give me this taste of rubber duck?"
"See here, young man, you can't start flying ducks to try and get yourself noticed."
"That's good because they don't have an engines or keys."
"Plenty of time for that when you're older. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking! 'It's all right for him, he's an internationally famous wizard already!'"
"So only internationally famous wizards can fly rubber ducks...Well, I guess I'm alright then."
"But when I was twelve, I was just as much of a nobody as you are now."
"Somehow I doubt that."
"In fact, I'd say I was even more of a nobody! I mean, a few people have heard of you, haven't they? All that business with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."
"What is with you!"
"I know, I know-it's not quite as good as winning Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award five times in a row, as I have-but it's a start, Harry, it's a start." He gave Harry a hearty wink and strode off.
Harry raised weary, exasperated eyes to the sky with a look of long suffering patience. "Ate, this afternoon we are finding Dumbldore and letting him out."
"Why?" Rumples asked petulantly.
"As long as he's missing, Lockhart is in charge. And besides, we need some of his hair for the wand potion." Harry headed into the greenhouse and took his place between Hermione and Draco. Across from him were Ron, Neville, and Seamus.
Professor Sprout gave him a sympathetic glance as he walked in. "Today, class, we will be repotting mandrakes. Now, who can tell me the properties of a mandrake plant?"
It was Neville who answered. "Mandrake is used to cure people who've been petrified, but it's cry is fatal to any who hear it. It's also known as Mandragora."
"Excellent, Longbottom! Take ten points." Neville beamed. "Now class, put on your ear muffs and don't take them off until I do." Then Professor Sprout grabbed one of the tufty little green plants and gave it a swift yank. Out popped the ugliest baby Harry had ever seen. It was muddy and brown and crying, and Harry was very glad when Professor Sprout shoved it into a bigger pot and piled dirt on it. He was less than thrilled when he had to repot them himself.
-
Charms with the Ravenclaws was directly after Herbology, and the three Slytherins knew they were in trouble when they walked in and saw Sirius and an amused-looking Remus wearing top hats and tails. "Today we will be learning how to tap dance," Sirius announced happily. Then he transfigured everyone's clothing into versions of costumes a la' Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. "The charm is tarantellegra." He waved his wand, and the room was filled with the happy strains of The Continental. "Now pair off and get started!"
Harry paired off with Hermione while Draco grabbed a Ravenclaw named Luna Lovegood, and the four spent the next hour doing dance routines that would make any instructor proud while Sirius and Remus demonstrated spinning steps and the proper use of canes as props.
Afterward, everyone collapsed in the Great Hall for lunch.
Sirius turned to an exhausted Remus and smiled. "Sometimes I think it should be illegal to love my job this much."
-
After lunch, the three Slytherins headed to Transfiguration to change beetles into buttons. Then they went Dumbledore hunting.
"Are you sure Severus said he was in a closet?" Hermione asked.
"Yes," Draco sighed. "Somewhere on the first floor."
Harry leaned back against a wall. "Let's look at this logically. Severus obviously wouldn't go out of his way to stuff Dumbledore in a broom closet, so it's probably somewhere along the path to the dungeons."
Hermione and Draco nodded. "That makes sense, but there are still two paths to the dungeons."
"So we check both."
"Or" Jinx-currently possessed by Bast-piped up from Harry's pocket, "you could let me track him by scent." The little rubber snake set off down a corridor, flicking it's little red tongue out in front of it as it went. "Hmmm...there's catnip in here!" Bast said and slithered under a classroom door. She returned moments later looking very happy. "I like bunny fur. Harry, do you have any bunny fur? Or string? I like string, too! Come, oh warm little can openers! What was I doing again?"
"You were tracking Dumbledore," Harry said patiently.
"Okay! Does Dumbledore have bunny fur and string? Can I sharpen my claws on him? Does he have tuna? I like tuna."
"You don't have claws at the moment, Bast."
The little snake turned in a circle looking at itself. "ACK! Someone's stolen my claws! Help! Call the warm can openers with guns!"
This was too much for Draco. He slumped against the wall laughing so hard he was crying. Bast slithered up his chest and glared at him. "This isn't funny! Give me bunny fur! Now!"
Hermione scooped up the little snake and transfigured it into a stuffed cat. "There. Is that better?"
Jinx purred loudly and bounded off down the corridor. "I really hope she's following Dumbledore's scent," Harry said with a sigh.
They found her sitting in front of a door and holding a conversation. "Hello in there! Do you have tuna?"
Dumbledore's voice drifted through the door. "No. Can you let me out, please?"
"Do you have bunny fur?"
"No."
"What about string?"
"No."
"I don't like you." The goddess thrust one paw under the door, attempting to scratch the Headmaster.
"Please let me out!"
"No! Bad can opener!"
Harry picked up the errant Goddess and held her while Hermione alohamora'd the door. Dumbledore emerged looking haggard, old, and smelly. He was discreetly scratching his posterior.
"Thank you so much, children!" he said just as Draco used a cutting hex on his hair. "Thirty points to Slytherin." Then he tottered off towards the kitchens.
Bast looked up from cleaning her paw. "Where's my tuna?"
-
Thanks so much for all the reviews! And a big thanks to everyone who has put me on their favorites list and author alert!
Signeus: Thanks, but as far as humor goes, I'm fine as long as I manage to avoid deleting chapters. :) I'll tell you what, since you're msg address doesn't seem to want to display the last part of itself, why don't you just email me at ginorge (Hopefully that will display correctly...) -Hands out catnip mouse-
YamiRose: DarkElementalGoddess: Here's Bast! Actually, she's shown up once before during the chapter with the mountain troll, but it was a rather small part. Sorry, no castration yet, but that's not a bad idea-Hands out catnip mouse-
Kaaera: Thanks! Actually, there was voting, and the funniest part of it was that Draco really did tie with Melvin! I was laughing myself silly while I was writing that scene. -Hands out catnip mouse-
Blackedout: Thanks. I'm feeling much better now. :) -Hands out catnip mouse-
lmill123: Thank you-Hands out catnip mouse-
Night-Owl123: Ooohhh! Don't you just love those sorts of freaky coincidences? Like just today, I was thinking about pizza, and lo and behold, I ate some! (Though your coincidence is probably more impressive...) -Hands out catnip mouse-
Angered Thoughts: Thanks! I recommend lining the floor and walls of your room with pillows. It's much safer-Hands out catnip mouse-
opalish: Yes, it does! But I wanted to wait and put them in the next chapter. You're using chocolate syrup to dye your hair? Blasphemy-Hands out catnip mouse and pamphlet on Chocolatology-
crazy-lil-nae-nae: Hmmm...capture all the toothpaste... But that would enrage the dental community! And there's nothing scarier than an angry dentist... Instead of toothpaste, why not take control of all the cable companies? Then you could broadcast subliminal messages and have a meerkat elected ruler of the world. As long as you own the meerkat, you're sitting pretty-Hands out catnip mouse-
Lady Melime Alasse: I don't think anyone would notice if your brothers were covered in paint splotches...and if they did, they would likely place the blame squarely on their shoulders! Have you considered using a stun gun-Hands out catnip mouse-
Smiley Face3: I still want a hypnotoad... (pouts) Do they come in purple-Hands out catnip mouse-
Nahirta: Thanks. Yeah, it does... -hands out catnip mouse and jar of peanut butter-
Drake Smythe: Yeah, I have a feeling this is going to stick around until the weather evens out. Hmm...a duel? That's an interesting idea...maybe draco can be wielding a cheese grater, and Melvin can have a can of hair spray and a cigarette lighter... -Hands out catnip mouse-
Anon Junky: Boy do I hear you! Aphrodite is scary when she's had too much chocolate. -Hands out catnip mouse-
athenakitty: I think Snape is probably wishing he'd used a higher voltage. -grins- Next chapter: Ginny and the lamp-Hands out catnip mouse-
debz: Yep! The great thing about this resurrection business is that I can kill him multiple times-Hands out catnip mouse-
WJENKSREADER: Thanks! You're welcome-Hands out catnip mouse-
DeathlyNightshade: Yeah, me too-Hands out catnip mouse-
ClassicDrogn: NO! NOT AN AARDVARK-Hands out catip mouse-
Shadowface-bows- Thanks-Hands out catnip mouse-
DeathlyNightshade: Thank you. I hope you liked this chapter!