Disclaimer: I've discovered the joys of a Russel Stover store. You are warned.

AN: If you haven't already done so, I recommend reading the short Ginny in the Desert. It comes before this chapter, and it helps to explain the first section. Reviews for Chapter Seven were answered in the short. Reviews from the short are answered at the bottom. Now, on with the story!

Chapter Eight: A Commotion and a Potion

Ginny Weasley entered the Great Hall over a week after Ate had eaten her and promptly announced herself a "Smurfy Goddess". It was one of the high points of an otherwise uneventful week, as the diminutive first year proceeded to lecture at length on the unfairness of international copyright laws and the dangers of embroidery.

"And finally, " the red-head concluded, "I would like to ask why embroidery hoops must be circular. A circle is the bane of existence when you are lost, and squares are only slightly improved. Embroidery hoops should follow the shape of magic bunnies! So decrees Ginny, Goddess of the Smurfs!" She marched out of the hall to laughter, applause, and calls for an encore.

Draco raised his eyebrows. "That was...enlightening."

"I wonder where she's been?" Hermione mused. "That whole spiel about needle size and orc feet seemed significant."

"She also mentioned a camel," Harry pointed out. "So she was probably in a jungle."

"Or a petting zoo." Draco grinned. "Now! On to tonight's business!" The blond turned to Hermione. "Is everything set up?"

Hermione nodded. "The hydra blood had to have a stasis spell on it to keep it from congealing, but everything else is fine. Are you two absolutely sure this is legal?"

Two looks of wide-eyed innocence greeted the bookworm. "Of course!" the boys chorused.

Hermione, smart girl that she was, remained skeptical.

>

"Ewww!" Draco was understandably upset at the location Hermione had chosen for the brewing. "These faucets are completely seventeenth century!"

"Why are we in a bathroom, Hermione?" Harry was ignoring the blonde's decorator critique. ("And the tiles! Could they have chosen a color more suggestive of puke!")

"Because no one ever comes in here," Hermione said simply. "It's haunted." ("These mirrors fail to reflect the full extent of my flaxen hair!")

"So's the rest of the castle," Harry pointed out. ("Wooden stalls? Are we in an outhouse!")

"But not by Moaning Myrtle." (And the floor! The floor couldn't be filthier if a plague of dust bunnies was called down to attack it!")

Harry achieved a rare look of enlightenment. "Touche." He blinked and turned to the still ranting blond. "A plague of dust bunnies?"

Draco stopped his inspection for a moment and sniffed delicately. "Plagues of dust bunnies are very dangerous, you know."

"We should use that on Pansy, then." The two grinned at each other.

"Honestly! It's like taking care of three year olds!" Hermione mumbled before clearing her throat. "Pranks later. Potion now."

The potion they had devised was fairly complex, requiring approximately two hours to make...if you were Snape and had ten potions apprentices (read "slaves") working for you. It took anyone else twelve days. There was only one rule concerning the brewing that had to be considered: Harry wasn't allowed to touch or add the more complicated ingredients.

"Why is it that you won't let me dice the fire bloom?" Harry complained.

"Because when we were buying it, you accidentally set the store-keeper's hair on fire with it." Draco said patiently. "Which was funny, but wrong."

"It's just a good thing he had that tank full of kelpies nearby to duck into," Hermione added. "And the healing potion for the kelpie bites."

"And the anti-venom for when Harry handed him the vial of poison instead of the healing potion."

"And the assistant for when he collapsed from the venom."

"And the respirator for when the anti-venom caused his face to swell up."

"And the floo for when he had to be taken to St. Mungo's."

"OKAY!" Harry interjected. "I get it! But that was just the one time!"

"You're forgetting what you did to the assistant when you were handling the anemones," Hermione noted.

"How was I to know they could paralyze people!"

"You could have read the big sign by the tank saying: CAUTION! ANEMONE STINGERS MAY CAUSE PARALYSIS IF TOUCHED!" Draco said lightly. "Now be a good boy and chop up the aconite."

Harry sulked for the rest of the night.

>

Fortunately for the trio, Moaning Myrtle was on vacation for the next three days. Unfortunately, that still left them with nine days until the potion was completed, and like all truly annoying people (or ghosts, as the case may be), Moaning Myrtle insisted upon showing the Slytherins slides of her vacation. Repeatedly.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Myrtle said with a sort of wistful, whimpering sigh. "It's the world's largest toilet! The U-bend is so roomy!"

Harry couldn't contain himself. "Myrtle, why did you go on vacation if you were only going to visit another toilet?"

Myrtle had a mood swing.

"ANOTHER TOILET!" She shrieked in Harry's ear. "THIS is not just a TOILET! It's art, you illiterate, insensitive, uncouth nincompoop! This is the culmination of thousands of years worth of plumbing achievement! The ancient Greeks could only dream of creating such beauty!"

"Myrtle, I think you're over-reacting," Hermione said gently. The ghost let out an offended wail and flew out of the bathroom, screaming and crying.

"And I thought Harry was good at stating the obvious," Draco deadpanned.

Hermione shrugged. "At least it got her out of the bathroom." No one disagreed.

>

Sunday morning, Pansy Parkinson ran out of the girls' dormitories covered in fuzzy gray things. Ate, watching from Rumples, was very confused. "Harry, Draco, when did you two do that?"

The boys glanced at each other. "We didn't."

Hermione walked into the common room with a happy bounce in her step. "Good morning!"

"Have you seen Parkinson?" the squeak toy failed miserably at trying to sound innocent.

"Yep! She used up all the hot water in the showers again." The bookworm frowned slightly.

"And the gray fuzzy things?"

"I can get cranky when I haven't had any coffee." Then she skipped to the great hall.

"But that was our idea!" Draco pouted.

"Don't press the issue until she's had coffee," Harry advised. Draco contented himself with turning Blaise into a walking pickle.

>

"Whatcha doin' Draco?" Myrtle had developed a crush on the blond.

"Boiling babies."

"Ewwww!" Draco, in turn, had discovered that the ghost was even more literal than Ron. "Isn't that illegal?"

"Not in Bangladesh."

"We're not in Bangladesh." Myrtle was frowning thoughtfully.

"Hogwarts is a territory of Bangladesh. Didn't you know?"

"It is not!"

"Is too! It was founded by primitive Bangladeshis about a thousand years ago in an attempt to take over England by subverting the educational system, but the English didn't have a use for underwater basket-weaving, so they eventually turned it into a magic school." Hermione and Harry were starting to turn purple from holding back the laughter.

"What about the four founders?"

"They adopted English names when they came here. It was just another part of the plot. Originally they were called Rafiki, Hugara, Gilvanist, and The Amazing Hupta Brothers.'

"But if there were brothers, then there were more than four founders..."

"Not really. Salazar Slytherin had multiple personalities. One was called Bob."

Myrtle's eyes widened with enlightenment. "I'm going to go to the library and look up the customs of Bangladesh!" When she flew away, she was almost cheerful.

The laughter from the bathroom echoed down the second floor. "Bob!" Hermione choked out.

Draco nodded wisely. "Any story can be improved by containing a character named Bob. Mr. Tinkles is also a good choice."

Harry snapped his fingers excitedly. "That's it! That's Ron's new nickname!"

Hermione blinked. "Bob?"

"No! Mr. Tinkles!"

The bookworm giggled. "You realize that a nickname like that will follow him for the rest of his life?"

"That's why it's such a great name! If he ever runs for a public office, he can use it on his campaign posters!" Draco warmed up to his subject. "Vote for Mr. Tinkles! The word of mouth alone would get him elected! He could even have his own jingle!

If the ministry's a bunch of nincompoops

with brains made out of jellied fruits,

who can iron out all its wrinkles?

You should vote for Mr. Tinkles!

It sells itself!"

Harry nodded. "Really, 'mione, he'll thank us later!"

The bookworm wisely gave up.

>

That night as they were heading from Myrtle's bathroom to the dungeons, they encountered something odd. Percy Weasley was standing in the middle of the first floor corridor holding a bucket of red paint and a large brush and wearing a cheese wedge hat. "THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. BEWARE THE CHEESE!" was written on the wall. The paint was still wet.

Hermione approached the prefect slowly. "Percy? Are you feeling well?" She poked him lightly. "Percy?" The red-head didn't respond, so she kneed him in the crotch. "I think he's frozen."

Harry and Draco winced. "For his sake, I hope so!" the brunette said sympathetically.

"'Mione, you can't just go around kneeing guys who won't talk to you in the jewels!" Draco complained. "It's not...polite."

"Polite?" Harry was incredulous. "That's the best word you can come up with?"

"After what she did to Percy, I'm not taking any chances!"

"If you two don't be quite, you'll wish you hadn't said anything!" Hermione said impatiently. She was busily inspecting the Percy statue for signs of what had happened.
"I don't see any puncture marks, and there's no signs of unfriendly hexes..."

Professor Snape came billowing around the corner. "What's going on here?"

"Something's frozen Percy, Professor. I've performed several tests, but he's unresponsive."

Snape glanced at the wall, then circled the red-head. "Draco, tell me what is wrong with this picture," he demanded.

"Weasley's hat clashes with his hair," Draco answered promptly.

"Precisely!" Snape waved his wand, and the Percy statue was suddenly wearing a black bowler. "Now what's wrong?"

"He's blocking traffic in the corridor."

"Ten points to Slytherin."

Ron walked past the Slytherins on his way to dinner. He stopped in front of Percy. "Oi, Percy! I've been meaning to ask you if I could borrow a pair of socks. Scabbers chewed holes in mine, again." The red-head waited patiently for a response. "Fine, ignore me you git!" He bit out.

"Your brother's been petrified, Mr. Tinkles," Harry said gravely.

Ron blinked. "Well why didn't he say so! Gee!" Then he walked off to dinner. He stopped halfway down the corridor. "Who's Mr. Tinkles?" he called back.

"You!"

"Oh, okay." He continued on to the Great Hall.

Severus blinked. "He's an exceptional specimen of block-head. I'll give him that." Then the snarky professor levitated Percy and walked off down the corridor.

"I hope Percy doesn't end up in a broom closet," Hermione said worriedly.

"This after she ruins any chances for his future progeny," Draco muttered to Harry. Harry nodded discretely as they went to dinner.

>

When the potion was finally completed, the entire second floor smelled like boiled cabbage. Draco sighed morosely. "This is never going to come out of my clothes!"

"Meanwhile," Hermione said in a brilliant change of subject. "We need to test the potion on something. Lucky for us, I snitched Percy's wand last night."

Harry blinked. "We're a bad influence on you..."

"Well it's not like he's going to need it anytime soon!" So saying, the bookworm dolled out a portion of the potion into a long beaker, added one of Lockhart's hairs and Percy's wand, and shook well. The solution gave an ominous fizzle.

"Is that good or bad?" Harry asked.

"Depends. If it works, it's good. If it ate Percy's wand, I'll have Father buy a replacement."

"So it's irrelevant?"

"Pretty much."

Hermione poured out the solution in a sink and picked up the still-intact wand with a gloved hand. "Apare Floras!" Bright pink flowers bloomed on the floor of the bathroom.

"ACK! PINK!" Draco was horrified.

"The wand is undamaged," Hermione was ignoring him. "Revelo Signeum!" A shining image of Gilderoy Lockhart appeared from the tip of Percy's wand. The bookworm sighed appreciatively. "It works."

"But why did you have to test it in PINK!"

"Don't you like flowers?"

"Pink isn't even last season! It's ten season's ago!"

Harry blinked. "Sometimes I worry about you, Draco."

A few minutes later, the wands had been doused in solution and the two boys were happily planning how best to exploit Dumbledore's signature-and the extra hairs they had saved. Hermione was mooning over her wand, which she had treated with another of Lockhart's hairs.

Draco twirled his wand between his fingers. "Do you think we could frame him for turning Minister Fudge into a rutebega?"

>

Hey, everyone! Good news! The doctors are finally doing blood tests to see why I've been having so much trouble over the past few months. They were convinced of the necessity of this after I managed to stay awake for ten days straight, which broke my old record of nine days (set two years ago). -Cheers for Ambien- I should get the results back Friday. The good news is that they think it's a thyroid problem. The bad news is that it took them five vials of blood to check. (Shudders at the thought of the needle) The good news on that is that they took the blood on the tenth day I was awake, so I didn't feel it! (I just had to see it... :( ) Anyway, a big thanks to everyone who's reviewed! You guys are great! And an even bigger thanks for everyone's patience! -This includes you, Sig! Did I send you an email last week? I can't remember... Of course, if I did, I doubt it was coherent. :)-

DeathlyNightshade: Thanks! Yeah, I believe that was the summer before third year. Maybe Ginny can give them a tour! -Gives out fizzy mystery potion-

Smiley Face3: Awww! I'm sorry! Don't cry! -hands you a tissue- See? All nice and updated! -sets hypnotoad to: Calm Reviewer- You will hear my voice, and only my voice! Except that I'm typing this, and you have no idea what I sound like... Okay, Plan B! -Gives out fizzy mystery potion-

Lady Melime Alasse- Woot! That definitely has possibilities! Of course, now I'll have to name one of them Bob... (short side note: everytime I meet someone named Bob, I can't say their name without giggling. Now if only I could meet a Bob Tinkles! Lol!) Wow, no driving 'til 21? Ouch! And attempted arranged marriages? Double ouch! Suddenly I'm very happy that we're living in the twentieth century, with all the accompanying legal precedents. At least your army boyfriend could always cart you off in a humvee or something, though I bet your dad's really nice. Just a little old fashioned... -Gives out fizzy mystery potion-

bandgsecurtiyaw: Thanks! -Gives out fizzy mystery potion-

athenakitty: I doubt anything could make Ginny more logical at the moment, which is why Bill didn't try to get a more rational explanation out of her. :) -Gives out fizzy mystery potion-