Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I also don't own any hairy greenhouse workers or any particularly fuzzy artists whose primary medium is clay. This is a source of great distress to me whenever I run out of decorative jars to plant catnip in. Another great source of distress is that I don't own Alan Rickman's collected works, but I'll live.
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Chapter Nine: Breaking the Insults
Percy was very fortunate in that he had frozen in the perfect position to be used as a coat rack. That was why he was currently residing in the teacher's lounge holding Professor Vector's coat, hat, and scarf as well as the little kerchief Professor Flitwick used on weekends to disguise his male pattern baldness from the people in Hogsmead. Not that they didn't know about it, mind you...
When Madame Pomfrey first entered the teacher's lounge following Percy's paralysis, she fussed for all of one minute before Professor McGonagall pointed out that there was nothing to be done for him until the mandrakes were ready, and at least this way he was serving a useful purpose. Then they retrieved a few choice supplies from their rooms and gave him a makeover.
The fun with Percy continued on for several days. Sirius and Remus created a fountain in the middle of the Quidditch Pitch and placed him in the center of it, makeup and all. At night, the fountain changed colors and played the theme from Star Wars. This did more to terrify the students about getting petrified than the initial reports of Percy's attack.
So Ate and Bast decided to help.
Their plan was enacted on the night of Halloween when the students and teachers of Hogwarts walked into the Great Hall only to discover a very human looking Ate, a large black cat, and a banner proclaiming "First annual insult contest! One hundred Galleon Grand Prize!" Sadly for the majority of the student body, the contest was open to teachers as well as students, which meant Professor Snape had the very unfair advantage of being a naturally snarky bastard. Plus the students were all terrified of him.
Harry was understandably worried for the safety of the rest of Hogwarts. "Wow! One hundred Galleons!"
"We aren't going to play favorites, you know," Ate said as sternly as she could while grinning.
"Aww nuts!"
Round One:
Terry Boot (to Ron): Your mother's so obese that the doors of her domicile are too small to accommodate her!
Ate: Ronald Weasley is disqualified for use of overt violence. Boot, you're disqualified too!
Boot: Why?
Ate: Because we don't like you. And your name rhymes with foot!
Boot: No it doesn't! It rhymes with hoot, coot, toot, smoot, whoot...
Bast (to Ate): I'm surprised Ron figured out what that meant so fast... (Shoot, root...)
Ate: Don't be. He was just responding to the first two words. (lute, suit, moot...) Sit down and shut up, foot boy!
Ginny (to Snape): Your robes are unflattering to your figure, your hair resembles an oily warthog, and the magic bunny doesn't like you.
Snape: You're an inconsequential lunatic whose time would be better spent modeling paper bags. Trust me, the world would thank you for it.
Bast: purr
Ate: Both of you may go to the next round.
Harry (to Neville): If you were any clumsier, the Ministry would perform experiments on you. Used duct tape has more personality.
Neville: cries
Harry: I didn't mean it! Honest! It's only for the contest Neville, really!
Neville: Promise? Harry nods enthusiastically. Okay.
Ate: We were going to give you bonus points for making him cry, but we had to take them away when you apologized.
Harry: Am I still in the contest?
Ate: Yep! Neville's been eliminated because he's an emotional wuss, though.
Neville: starts crying again
Round Two:
Hermione (to Parkinson): Your hygiene is substandard, your laugh resembles a hyena with diarrhea, and I've seen better eyes on a cave fish!
Parkinson: Yeah? Well you're a nerdy bookworm!
Ate: That's the best you can come up with! Bast turns Pansy into a bunny fur mouse and bats her around the Great Hall.
Draco (to Blaise): You're a disgrace to the chimpanzee community. And I think now would be an excellent time to point out that the Zabinis are the makers of the QuikSpell line of products for squibs. patent Malfoy smirk I think their source of inspiration is obvious.
Blaise: Your father likes to fool around with farm animals!
Draco: raised eyebrow Really? I'll tell him you think so.
Blaise: gulp
Bast: Begins batting around a Slytherin colored tinkle ball
Draco: Can we keep him like that?
Ate: Only for tonight.
Sirius (to Dumbledore-who abstained from the contest): I bet the school would just love to hear about your Depends and your perpetually itchy posterior! Every time I look at you, I'm reminded of the time the Marauders turned Professor Binns into a pile of rotting ooze. He was much better looking!
Ate: Siri, I'm pretty sure the school would prefer not to hear about Dumbledore's behind... otherwise, good job! We'll ignore that you were supposed to be insulting Remus.
Remus: He's scared of what I'll do to him if he hurts my feelings this close to going to bed. (to Sirius, glaring lightly) Isn't that right, my cute little snooglie-oogliepoo!
Sirius: cowed Yes, dear!
Bast: I'd say Remus won that one...
Round Three:
Severus (to Hermione): Miss Granger, you made a B on the last potions essay.
Hermione: Nooo! faints
Severus: smirk
Ginny (to Remus): You remind me of Godzilla, but uglier and wimpy. PIGGY MAILBOX!
Remus: Your magic bunny wants to eat you.
Ginny: I'll get you magic bunny! runs to dormitory to retrieve sword
Ate (to Remus): Ooohh...you're good!
Harry (to the Weasley twins): Since Ron's new name is Mr. Tinkles, I've decided to call you Foo Foo and Rasputin.
Fred and George: That's fine mate!
Peachy!
But you should know
your hair's a rat warren,
you're crazier than a rabid wombat,
and your nose is
shaped like a toucan.
Harry: The whole toucan, or just its beak?
Forge: The whole toucan.
Harry: Well that's alright then...
Bast: Err...Harry...I don't know how to tell you this...
Ate: You've won a free tub of chocolate ice cream! rushed And the twins are moving on to the final round!
Harry: Yay! Ice cream! sits down at Slytherin table and starts eating happily
Gred (whispered): Nice thinking!
Ate: Thank you. I try.
Luna (to Draco): You enjoy dressing in women's clothing.
Draco: Your shoes were popular in 1977, and you stalk Lockhart impersonators as a hobby. Also, Wailing Winkerbillies don't exist.
Luna: wails They do too!
Final Round:
Ate: This is a free-for-all round! Insult whoever you think is the easiest!
Remus (to Gred): Your most recent prank was original in 1764, and you apparently lack the intellect to realize who your opponents are in the Prank war. The Marauders have been making proverbial monkies out of you since early last year.
Gred and Forge: wide eyed The Marauders!
Really!
You're joking mate!
Remus: No, I'm Moony. Sirius is Padfoot.
Forge and Gred: begin kissing his feet You're our hero!
The greatest ever!
WE LOVE YOU!
Ate: Disqualified for hero worship!
Draco (to Snape): I know of at least ten potions masters who can prepare a Verasita Serum faster than you can. And your technique for chopping Witch Weed is sloppy.
Snape: Your hair has split ends and your manicure needed to be renewed two weeks ago.
Draco: Excuse me, I need to floo my stylist. heads to Slytherin dorms
Bast: Snape, Remus, you may make your closing arguments! Err...insults...
Snape (to Remus): Remember Chainsaw Santa? That was completely contrived. I've seen better in Scream III, you mangy mutt!
Remus: Petunia's Elvis impersonation. Enough said.
Snape: death glare You are completely incompetent! I've seen potatoes with more critical thinking skills! fingers wand
Remus: turns Snape's hair hot pink and conjures a mirror for him It suits you. dodges string of probably illegal hexes
Ate: tentatively Severus?
Snape: silkily Yes?
Ate: You're disqualified for the use of overt violence.
Snape: softly Everyone has ten seconds to leave before I start removing vital organs with spoons.
Sirius: Why spoons?
Snape: BECAUSE IT WILL HURT MORE, YOU TWIT!
Mass panic ensues as the population of Hogwarts runs for their lives.
Bast turns to Ate as they round a corner: "I think we're forgetting something."
"What?"
"We're all-powerful immortal gods."
"Severus is scary."
>
The Slytherin vs. Ravenclaw match was...unusual. Even for Hogwarts. It wasn't the score (350 Slytherin to 110 Ravenclaw) so much as it was the swarm of jawbreakers chasing Harry all over the pitch. It didn't help that the Weasley twins were taking bets as to which jawbreaker would manage to hit him first...
And it certainly didn't help that Draco had just placed twenty galleons on a solid red one.
"Stop gambling and DO SOMETHING!" Harry yelled desperately.
Draco pouted. "But if I stop them all I'll lose the bet!"
"AND IF YOU DON'T, I'LL SHAVE YOUR HEAD!"
"Ahhh...you are most wise, oh clod-whopper..." The blond pulled out his wand and attempted to hit the candies with stupefy. He missed the candies, but he conveniently managed to hit the Ravenclaw keeper. "Hmmm...I do believe I have a viable strategy..."
"You know how to stop them?"
"If by 'them' you mean the Ravenclaw Quidditch team, then yes!"
"DRACO!"
"Spoilsport!" Draco pouted.
Draco gracefully grabbed a garish green hat off one of the people in the stands and transfigured it into a butterfly net. He was casually swiping at the jawbreakers when Harry noticed the Ravenclaw seeker going after the snitch...
So they flew across his path and caught him in the flock of jawbreakers.
"Was that legal?" Draco asked as Madame Pomfrey took the seeker off the field.
"About as legal as the jawbreakers chasing me," Harry answered, diving after the snitch as Draco netted the last one. "Or the stupefy you hit the keeper with. Got it."
"So what do we do about these?" the full net was straining to get to Harry. Then it abruptly changed direction, yanked itself out of the blonde's hands, and flew into the stands to clothesline Dumbledore and Lockhart. "Never mind."
Harry looked at his squeak toys dancing by Hermione. "I'd yell, but I don't care."
"That's the spirit!"
>
Hey, everyone! I have good news and bad news! The good news is that my finals are over, I'm moved into my new house (the move was rather...unexpected, but good!), and the doctors have narrowed down the cause of my insomnia to a genetic predisposition and decided that taking more of my blood would be pointless. (YAY!) The bad news is that I can now update MUCH more frequently! I fear for the sanity of my readers...
Thanks to everyone for their patience, and a big thanks to everyone who's reviewed! I appreciate hearing from ya'll so much!
bandgsecurtiyaw: Thanks! -Gives out red jawbreaker-
athenakitty: Actually, I've gotten rather fond of a nutty Ginny. :) As to Percy's procreation, I don't want to think about it... -Gives out red jawbreaker-
Lady FoxFire: I hope I don't become normal with sleep... I'm rather fond of my insanity... Fun with Fudge will be coming up shortly. Thank you! Have a meatball sub! -Gives out meatball sub and red jawbreaker-
Night-Owl123: Yeah, I shattered my previous record. -grin- Yep, faked signatures are definately fun for framing! (I love alliteration!) -Gives out red jawbreaker-
RookRaven: Thank you! Thank you! I try. :) -Gives out red jawbreaker-
Lady Melime Alasse: Thanks! Yeah, my dad's a big softy too. It get's particularly entertaining whenever we get a new pet, and he ends up fussing and cooing over it more than anyone else! I'd feel sorry for Percy, too, except that it's funnier this way. -Gives out red jawbreaker-
WJENKSREADER: Glad you like it! -Gives out red jawbreaker-
DeathlyNightshade: Yeah, I'm not too fond of Myrtle either, but she's good for toilet humor. Thanks! -Gives out red jawbreaker-
didygal: Thanks! And cheers to you too! -Gives out red jawbreaker and toasting fork-
Smiley Face3: Sorry about the wait. Is your monitor okay? -Gives out red jawbreaker and various catnip toys-
highbrass: Thank you! -Gives out red jawbreaker-
Isis's Rose: MEEP! Breathe! Breathe! -Gives out oxygen tank and red jawbreaker- Don't use them at the same time!
evil older sister: Absolutely! (Though you might want to keep an eye peeled for the magic bunny...I have it from reliable sources that the bunny is dangerous!) As to my caffeine intake, I tried. I failed. Now I'm happily caffinated! (I didn't try very hard...) Thank you for the chocolate, by the way! (Mmmm...chocolate...) -Gives out red jawbreaker-
kawaii chibi shun: (author spontaneously combusts from blushing) Thank you so much! Just between you and I, I kinda like Harry better half-crazed too. He needs a bit of light-heartedness every now and then! Incidentally, when my first book comes out, I'm holding you to that! I don't know what it will be called, or what it'll be about, but it's nice to have at least one buyer already:) Wow...you're the second person this chapter to report a lemonade related computer accident... Must be some sort of new fad... (promptly splashes lemonade on monitor) I feel so cool now! -Gives out red jawbreaker-
Dark Illusionist: Awww! But Snape's one of my favorites... (pouts) I can't do that to him! Now Lockhart on the other hand... ;) -Gives out red jawbreaker-
Kaaera: Woot! Don't you just love the sound of the word rutebega? It's so nifty! Thanks for your concern. I'm alright! Awake and with very little possibility of sleeping normally, but I've been that way for 21 years, and it's worked pretty well so far (barring insomnia runs)! Thanks! -Gives out two red jawbreakers (an extra one for Maria)-
Sugarhighaddict: Hmmm...thanks for the reminder! Now I have something to ponder for Year Three! I'll have to perform tests with Snow and mechanical squeak toys... Thanks! -Gives out red jawbreaker and wanders off muttering about squeak velocity and cat vectors-
Lady-Snape7: Yahoo! I'm snort inducing! -Gives out red jawbreaker-
Fire Gazer: Thanks! -Gives out red jawbreaker-
CelticCross83: Wow...you're a little scary... But since pole lamps actually are evil, I declare you a magnanimous wombat! Congratulations! -Gives out red jawbreaker-
RainOwl: Thanks! Your wish is my command! -Gives out red jawbreaker-
ihadanepiphany: One new pair of lungs coming up! (Chases down random pedestrian) Thank you! -Gives out lung transplant, lockpicking kit, and red jawbreaker-
Alexeyy: sniffle Only a tad mental? Ah well, c'est la vie! Thanks, I keep my bonkyness in shape with regular squeaky-hammer parades through the center of town! -Gives out red jawbreaker and squeaky hammer-